Summer Loathing - Sitting out a Summer Event

This summer is looking up for the nerds as we've got Avengers and Dark Knight Rises, so there are at least two summer blockbusters that won't disappoint (because dammit Nolan could probably make Bat-Mite work honestly even if Bat-Mite was all CG and voiced by Eddie Murphy. Actually, I take that back; that would be fucking amazing...you know. Also, the new GI Joe can't be worse than the first one...right?). So as we've got the tent pole movies of every summer, we've also got 2 summer comic book events of every summer (down from 3 as the X-men and Marvel U general summer events are the same one for once) with AVX...obviously, and we've got the non company wide Before Watchmen. I'm thinking of sitting one out. As a borderline Marvel zombie, I will be following AVX as I really like the new energy that Aaron and Gillen have brought to the books. I read most of the Avengers proper because well they're generally engaging and like most comic book fans (I'm assuming from years as a fan and former comic shop employee that well people go apeshit for tie in books.) I'm a habitual completest. So pretty much, I'm not picking up anything I don't read for the tie ins, and I don't have to deal with the self contained tie in series that vacillate wildly in quality and relevance. So obviously, I'm going to be sitting out Before Watchmen (for the most part) and here's why.

#1 It's not a sacred cow thing.

Shouldn't Pig Pen be Rorschach?

Look, everyone loves Watchmen. I'm also going to put out there that the Watchmen movie was the best adaptation of a movie that never should have been made under any circumstances. What, it was engaging and the performances were pretty spot on. Sure, the ending of the movie was not the best, but I don't want to sit through another hour of movie because you have to add in the Black Freighter to add in the author of it and the island making that Cthulu thing (blah blah Architects of Fear- we all know; we're all clever; it's referenced in the book itself). So tangents aside, (what...dammit Bry) it's pretty much this - I revere the original work as everyone does; it truly is a nearly flawless work of sequential artistry. It deserves the accolades it has gotten. Yet as a nearly flawless, work there is one implicit caveat that must be accepted: it tells a complete story. Even if not labored about, we can see both explicitly and tacitly the character arcs that moved Rorschach from slightly disturbed costumed crime fighter (what you're putting on a costume to fight crime) to um Rorschach. The same can be said of possible homosexual Adrian Viedt and the rest. So off the bat, it's not because you simply shouldn't mess with a classic (even though it usually doesn't work); it's that I personally don't know if there is anything you could really add to the character arcs that would really clarify things or themes that could be expanded on that would provide new insight.

#2 Because prequels are so great?

In fairness, this was the same magazine that proclaimed that The Knack were the "New Beatles"/It's sad that only one of the three tragedies on this cover is still talked about today. (burn...me?)

I don't know if you guys remember Episodes I-III of a little indie franchise called Star Wars (Although Before Star Wars may be a better title). In the case of Star Wars while there may have been a genuine intent to add to the mythos of Star Wars - it kind of ended up a poorly thought out ancillary cash grab that did precious little (for me) than muddy my love of the franchise and waste 20-30 dollars over the span of a few years. Granted, X-Men First Class was awesome, but I'm not even sure that is a prequel to the earlier X-men movies (Although confusing and contradictory continuity in the films is kind of a wink to the comic book franchise). And the Watchmen prequel video game was a failure on literally every level (at least the demo I played). It was an uninspired beat em up that loosely followed a story line that was mentioned in the comics and not flushed out for the valid reason of irrelevance.

# 3 The creative teams will probably make me a liar and hypocrite though

Okay, so I'm probably going to at least flip through the Comedian and Minutemen books. What? Darwyn Cooke on Minutemen is a no brainer for doing the book itself. Azzarello and Jones on the Comedian... I love Jones but if you put Bermejo on it you can bank on people's fond memories of the Luthor and Joker books. At the same time though, I'm dubious of whether I'll actually purchase them or read them in the store (which as an employee for life of a local comic books store I am within my rights to do). So that's really it for that part of it; the creative teams are solid all around and under normal circumstances I would be inclined to read a book by them but unfortunately....

#4 It speaks to an unfortunate trend facing the modern funny book.

The kids don't like words in their comics that much. As is to say, I don't know why you need however many issues to tell the ancillary tales of characters that were well rounded with full well rendered arcs and rich backstories in 12 issues. Look, I do enjoy the decompressed wide screen comic book when done well. While I'm sure the talent assembled will put out top caliber work, it'll be divorced from the source material on the fundamental level that comic book writing has changed drastically since 1985-86. That's really it; the beast has changed in such a way that there has to be a fundamental story telling disconnect between the two. I feel that even though (sight totally unseen) these collected works will be so structurally different that even though they feature the same characters they may feel alien...or not.

As for AVX

The first issue was kind of meh because I had read at least half of it in the form of previews on the internet and other comic books. I mean I think like 4 pages of it were really new content to me. Also, a former comic shop employee pointed out that there was a conflict between #0 and #1 relating to the characters' reactions to the general destruction in NY. It also seemed that Ms. Marvel forgave Wanda really quickly (I will not speak to Children's Crusade...the internet has done that for me...I do enjoy that Jim Cheung though.)

As I've always been good at predicting the ends of summer events (I won a $50 bet on the end of Secret Invasion), I will now give a prediction based on a single issue and a tie in book.

1. Cyclops dies at some point

Like on Fringe! I hear. I liked the show, but my TV dance card is so full.

He's been kind of a dick of late. What? He has. Pretty much in these events someone has to die and logically speaking he's the most likely. Granted, I've been wrong before though. Part of me wanted to say Cable but he's died and gotten better during so many of these summer events. If it was Magneto, who would care really he's tied with Jean Grey on the dying and coming back thing (fact check?). Hope is on there but Phoenix and death and rebirth you know. While Wolverine would be...never happen ever. Oh, unless this new Capt. Marvel thing is an oakey doke and Carol Danvers eats it but why? So process of elimination leaves us with Cyclops.

2. The Phoenix brings with it Death Rebirth and... a soft reboot.

I'm hoping that there isn't a full on line wide New 52 reboot. Granted they did leave the Bat and GL books largely untouched which...just keep some consistency on some of the books I read and we'll see. I mean if anything the New 52 did get me to buy some new titles for 3-6 issues. So good job I guess. I don't know. It'll probably happen. If anything, your average comic book fan is your typical abused partner. We take our lumps. We vent about it (taking up lets say 5% of the internet), but we always come back. Although the numbers are nowhere near where they were 20 years ago, well, people have their limits on things - spider clone/ general shitiness/ 90's comics are great for beating up on- even if I did love many of them at the time and to a point. Anyway, it's probably going to happen, and I don't know if we'll have a Jean Grey School for Higher Learning or Jean Grey at a school for higher learning - although I'd doubt it.

#3 - Deus ex Grey

Commence Slashfic/ ready Boner Jams 12 countdown!

White hot rooms have to have doors right? And it wouldn't be totally surprising for someone to die at the end of an event and then get better (Prof. X - Messiah Complex). I mean he died (again) and came back 3 weeks later to little fanfare with walking legs and psychic powers in tow. Also, it seems to be a recurring trend of late to totally undo the changes made in an event after said event (Fear Itself .1 issues). So, pretty much the end game I predict is this: Cyclops dies stopping, something, that is keeping Hope and the Phoenix from merging. Hope does whatever, whispers "um, more mutants?" Phoenix obliges. Leaves/ is Jean Grey/ is all like, "sorry, bro." I would actually pay extra to see that be the exact dialogue.

# 4 - More Mutants

Because nobody demanded it! Actually, I've put Maggot through enough over the years. He could team up with Whiz Kid?

Why not? They're still pretty popular. And if anything there is a certain cyclical nature to the beast. It's also the only way to have one of these senses shattering everything changes events where, um, anything changes, aside from shit going all Days of Future Past. It makes sense on a storytelling level and just a logical level. Pretty much an Avengers win a battle/lose a war. Wolverine probably has a last second or mid event change of heart. Cyclops' heroic actions make Cap think twice about what have you. Everyone saves face/ characters are redeemed. Although, ideally the book ends with Storm, T'Challa, Luke Cage, Moses Magnum, and Misty Knight forming a secret black cabal called the Cluminati secretly ruling the Marvel U. And they call the period afterwards Darker reign or Candy Reign, I fucking love that song. Yes, that was my prediction for after Siege. Yes, I made that joke years ago on I want to say Myspace. Still waiting.

Hey, something way less angry/ fever dream-ish: nerd parody song of the week

In my spare time when I'm not getting overly verbose and bitchy about things, I like to write terribly bad\nerdy parody songs in my car or at my desk. Long I have not shared them with the world. Today, though, everything changes (also: not a fantasy issue a real story, EVERYONE DIES!). Now, in an attempt to share my gifts with more than my cat and my friends when I'm drunk at bar, I give you this...Shipping off to Baron. A parody song that fully marries the spirit of Final Fantasy IV's Kain with the Dropcick Murphys and IRish people, I guess.

Shipping off to Baron
(To the Tune of Shipping off to Boston)

I'm a Dragoon peg
And I lost my head
Runnin' round with Golbez
I lost my head
I'm shipping up to Baron
(Lali-ho)
x3
I'm shipping off
To find my missing head
I'm a Redwing peg
And I lost my head
I hung around with Golbez
I lost my lehead
I'm shipping up to Baron
(Lali-ho)
x3
I'm shipping off
To find my missing head

See cause he lost his mind briefly what with the jealousy/magics. The more you know! Hopefully, this post results in hot and cold running ass. Because if it's one things the ladies love, its attempting to be like Weird Al and FFIV.

Everything Old is new Again...Incredibly Late Gaming Reviews Aimed at Nobody in Particular

Pretty much, due to delays in the production of The Skull Base and a particularly strong case of writers block on Currently Untitled Novel, I find myself back here writing for the single digits worth of people who have come here from a google search gone terrifyingly right. As such, I feel it is my right, nay duty, to opine on the latest in video games...that have been out for over a month and in some cases set the internet on fire with divisive rhetoric not seen since probably yesterday. There will be mild to heavy spoilers. You will see the most succinct review of a video game ever. We will all learn something. Mild twitters may effortlessly escape the larynx. Key word is may. Without further obfuscation of intent, we shall begin.

Mass Effect 3

It would be overly facile to excoriate Bioware on the conclusion of this game. That being said though, it was ungodly irksome. Rgardless of this well worn conclusion, overall, I would say that Mass Effect 3 was a fitting conclusion to the series. Past characters returned and there was a true sense of grandeur that can only be found in galactic carnage. Former decisions did matter throughout the game's narrative in instances like when the Rachni Queen that I let live for reasons that currently escape me, 2010 blizzard drinking. My earlier decisions in regards to the fate of the Krogan popped back up. There were legitimately resonant character beats and moments, especially with Garrus, everyone's favorite character. Then, much like my favorite whipping boy (not the book) Lost, everything fell to shit in the last act.

The reason for this being that ,like in the third Matrix film another favorite butt of nerd rage, something totally out of left field comes which crushes the narrative under its imperceptible weight. The main reason that this was so infuriating is, of course, that Mass Effect, like other Bioware titles, lives and dies by the illusion of choice and significance that the player's decisions are weighted by. Massive left turn aside though for 95% of the game these decisions do seem resonant. In the final act, all of these choices and galactic skulldrugery are all decanted into a differing space battle cinema and one of three choices. In the end, it does not matter that I chose to be a dick for three games because my friend Happy had the same options after three games of paragon play. While the ending cinematic was scant and the conclusion left me hollow, the game itself was still engaging. However, as the terminal game in the series it left me wanting on the most fundamental of levels as I had become invested in the characters over the last half decade. If anything though, the vitriolic excoriation of the developers by their ardent fanbase is just a testament to how wildly invested we all are in their creation. Also, Multiplayer was kinda meh. I mean I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy being forced into it to get the best ending. Also the maps were scant as far as number but that has been remedied. Also, people use your fucking medi-gel. Why are you hoarding it?

While this may seem like nothing more than base recriminations of shoddy work, it is not. The game actually made me feel bad about things I did (even though I just kept clicking the trigger for the renegade action/ I wish Tali was like, "Stop it, stop it; he's already dead.") which has not happened since KOTOR (when I made the wookie kill his Twi'lek companion at the end). It is not glorified rock, paper, scissors and fake sounding Asian accents like Jade Empire. The DLC while partially on disc was as enjoyable as any other Mass Effect DLC and worth my ten bucks. The fact that my levels carried over from 2 made Vicious Shepard a force of destruction from the start (if you go vanguard level biotic charge all the way first you get 100% shields with every charge. It perfectly compliments my reckless play style.) I mean look, Bioware made an amazing franchise which unfortunately falls the fuck off the wheels in the last half hour. And while the RPG elements get diminished with each iteration, they mainly got rid of the most annoying elements of it (scanning planets for hours/ broken inventory system/ THIS IS NOT A SPACE TANK SIM). I was truly engaged and excited for everything but the end which after years of disapointment from games (Yeah Zanarkand is a dream/ you just played 5 hours of blitzball for a character's final weapon, a character you don't use/ Everybody not named Zell or Laguna in FF VIII/ This is getting off topic/ Grand motherfucking Pulse/ Maybe I don't like Final fantasy anymore? That's a bummer. I enjoyed the half of XIII I played, to a point/ Wait I maxed the game clock on FF-X 2...Marijuana is a hell of a drug.)

Anyway you've already purchased this game if you were going to. If you haven't played the others first, you should you're really missing out if you haven't (mainly on blind rage/ fluid shooting/ fully realized characters/ FUCK KILL HATE!/ one of the most engaging IPs in the last decade regardless of medium.)

On the DLC - Yeah Day 1 DLC is kinda shitty, but you don't have to buy it. From the download size it seems that it wasn't completed when the game went gold (this assumption, like many things relating to video game discussion, is based on errant speculation). I felt that it was worth it. I mean I can understand why people are cheesed about spending an additional ten bucks at release. I also understand how used games are diminishing funds available for necessary and ever ballooning production costs which make things like this semi-essential. For the record, if you're that concerned about said ten dollars you have things you should be focusing on instead of Mass Effect DLC. On to the next one then.

SSX

It's a new SSX game that does not have skiing. I don't know if I'm as up on it as I was SSX 3. You either enjoy SSX, or you don't. That's all.

On the DLC - If you want to pay to not play the game so be it.

Street Fighter x Tekken

On the one hand, I thoroughly enjoy this game. I find the art style works well to encompass the feel of both franchises even if it is squarelf routed in SSF4AC-etc. I find that the combo system has found a nice place between the comparative rigidity of non MarCap Capcom fighters and the more intuitive timing based combo system of Tekken games. Due to this though, I don't know if it will be a hit on the competitive scene which is fine for people like myself who do not have the free time or inclination to get to that level. While some people may lament the inclusion of the gem system and its changing of game mechanics, I would say this: calm the fuck down.

If anything, crushing online play is probably the greatest detriment to the fighting game industry; more to the point though my argument is such: people don't like to know that they're shitty at video games. If anything, many of us use them as a brief respite for the overwhelmingly shitty way we lead our lives. More to the point, I will now recount my first online fighting experience. Years ago, I thought I was awesome at DOA. It started with heated bouts on the Dreamcast in college. It culminated with me getting a perfect on my old roommate while having a phone conversation and smoking a cigarette. I then took these purported, and illusory it seems skills onto DOA Online on the original Xbox where I was repeatedly juggled to death by the most cutthroat middle schoolers in Japan. This trend has continued. I constantly got metaphorically sodomized on MarCap 2 online. While I could actually beat people in MarCap 3 online (Ultimate or vanilla), I fear that my skills have regressed since that one weekend in March 2011 when I was on fire. The point being is that some people get rather put off by getting continually brutalized online, and fighting games are no longer at the acme of genre dominance as they were in my youth. I feel that making a popular and mechanically inclusive game is probably the best thing that could be done. (This is the internet; my opinions are lar. If you don't like it, *gay slur* *challenge fandom*)

However, this does not mean the game is without fault. Offline modes are a little bare bones, but it is a fighting game, to the point that it doesn't even have traditional standards like survival mode and the mission mode only clocks in at 20 challenges. I'm not entirely enamored of having to use set teams in Arcade mode, but I certainly understand the issues involving the generation of cinemas and such given the large cast. While this may seem like a cursory and shallow list of grievances, well, it is. The core game is fantastic...aside from one glaring and monumental issue. The severity of said issue is grand and a threat to the core beliefs that I as an American consumer hold dear. This is no mere hyperbole. I must shout it from the rooftops, "I am super pissed about the on disc DLC."

On the DLC - It is infinitely more difficult to defend a third of the content being locked on disc due to wanting added content for the handheld release on the PS Vita. It is not the ungodly expensive and occasionally nifty bonus costumes: it's all the characters. There is no feasible way to justify this. Certainly, Capcom have taken the tact that this virtual partition has saved the consumer the inevitable and always necessary turbo hyper or championship edition of the game. At the same time though, what? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would actually prefer the dreaded online pass in this situation even though the main reason that I bought the game when I did was because it was used and slightly cheaper and saved ten whole dollars. I don't know it's maddening. What is even more maddening though is the fact that I know I will give Capcom their 20 American dollars to play as Bryan Fury and the rest. Nothing else really on the topic aside from it being a vicious cycle. Much like with everything else, the combined passion of a million enraged fanboys will amount to a wet fart, blind submission, and the rest.

Actual Loathing- The Shortlist of Things that are irksome

As this is an apparently annually updated blog with loathing in the title, I feel the need to kvetch about something or other. In fact, that's the other key part of fandom: listen to sports radio, read a message board anywhere, you're on the internet; you know the drill. As this is relating to fanboy-ism, they will mainly related to the topic. They will be ordered arbitrarily, yet all will be filled with overlong invectives that downplay the unabashed triviality of these matters. Commence bitching.

Oh, Jesus, I hope this isn't the start of Gang Bang Theory

1 - Stop asking me if I watch Big Bang Theory



I find the show to be exploitative of "nerd culture" (itself a corporate synergy painted as some sort of warm and fuzzy collectivism). I don't think that many Americans really get the jokes about physics (I've watched maybe 3 episodes in my life, never by choice). More to the point...stop saying Ba-zinga at me when I make a funny. I'm half joking on that one. My main issue with the show is that in those 3 episodes the show, set in a world with only DC exclusive comic book stores, gets things so very wrong about comic books. That's it. It's that the show, and countless other products of its ilk, attempts to look at a sub culture in a way that is presented as warm and humanizing, yet at the same time, is obviously nothing more than a thrown together hodge podge of sub culture tropes. Much like a say Napoleon Dynamite the concept is about embracing the differences and quirks of the characters, while deriving much of the laughs at the character's expense for these same quirks that they are allegedly embracing.


The other main issue that I have is that they get everything so very wrong. Granted, much of my knowledge of these issues comes from my friend who's wife enjoys the show he brought one issue to light that we both took umbrage with: NO SANE COMIC BOOK FAN WOULD EVER ASSUME THAT JASON TODD WOULD BE THE NEW BATMAN. I really just don't know how you could get this so wrong; unless of course you had no prior knowledge of the situation. While I would not demand that anyone slavishly go through the extended Bat Family bible, I would expect someone to take five minutes to do a google search and maybe read a fan poll.

Look awkwardly at the ground if you haven't killed someone...really? Jesus that's messed up

2- Stop telling me about how much you love AMC's The Walking Dead

Yes, the performances are solid and the production values are good. My issues with the show are as follows: The pace is maddening; if you're a new character not played by Norman Reedus, I hate you; they tried to explain where the zombies came from; I preferred a lot of the characters from the book, and the ones on the television seem to make even more questionable decisions.






Mainly though, my issue is that The Walking Dead is a slow burn as a comic book. In the course of its decade long run, certain character arcs and plot lines recycle. Chief amongst these are 1) Hey we're safe here...oh wait we're really not. 2) Maybe we can trust these people..oh wait we really can't. 3) Don't ever fuck with Rick...ever. But the ting about the comic book is that it comes in a shorter dose time wise, as in you can read an entire arc in about the same time as you'd watch an episode. There are also far crazier plot twists, and I shudder to think how The Governor will be "Nerfed" due to standards and practices as his repugnance is integral to his character. At the heart of the issue though is that part of what makes the comic book compelling is watching these characters lose their humanity while also dealing with extremely graphic plot twists (face shootings and bun bun murdering). Frankly, I don't think TV audiences are interested in that, or May-December relationships. Also, I want Shane to just die already.



My work computer is not made for moving around pictures it seems

3 - It's a business... Why is that so hard to fathom?


Nothing irks me more than when people complain about their favorite pirated comic book title. At the same time, I am also bothered when people complain to no end about X book that they buy religiously being crap. Here's the thing: If you want to keep reading say...Captain Britain and MI 13 (still bitter), pony up the three dollars. If you hate everything Bendis, stop buying everything Bendis (unless the message boards have moved on to someone new...it's been a while..in which case don't buy that.) While the Watchmen prequels seem like a terrible idea, it's a smart business move for a summer non-event. The casual fan will see the trademark cover layout and go "ooohhh", and the cynical fanboy is at heart a habitual completionist who literally cannot stop buying comic books. Personally, I'm disinterested in Before Watchmen, but at the same time, it beats a summer event that ties into the New 52 books that I'm reading. It has fantastic creative teams though, so that counts for something. While Watchmen is the sacredest of cape and tight cows, it's not the end of the world. Sure, poeple can lament that they would prefer something new with these teams or possibly an experiment like Watchmen done with different discarded characters. At the same time though, the industry is in decline sales wise and the teeth gnashing and vitriol of fanboys also speak to an inherrent fascination with the product. It leads to trending on social networks and search engines which leads to hightened visibility of the product. The point that I am again belabordly making is this: if you ond't like something, ignore it. If you enjoy something, pay for it. Yes, I just wrote a whiny diabtribe about not going on whiny diatribes, but it's the internet, so I'm right.

4- Enough with the teasers for trailers

Yes, I watched the 10 second Avengers trailer teaser. Just like last year's Captain America trailer, it is the main reason that I'm watching the Super Bowl, as the Ravens are not playing in it (in which case I would be ungodly drunk on Patron by half time). Yes, I encouraged it by clicking, but there is something to be said for surprises.

5 - Having horrible things happen to your characters is not the only way to write a compelling comic book for adults.

Right off the bat, I am a fan of Mark Millar and Garth Ennis. I named one of the characters in my still in progress book The Skull Base Doom Cock for chrissake. I would honestly say that Preacher is my favorite comic book of all time. I also enjoyed The Ultimates and the first Kick Ass (and movie) and the list goes on for quite a while. At the same time though, half of Kick Ass 2 seems like character development through guignol. We've got to see children shot, and gang rapes, and the rest to get across the point. It's not that these things don't have a place in the medium. It is not a call for censorship. It's that can we get some sort of greater meaning frmo it? I understand that The Mother Fucker is evil, and it doesn't really get more evil than gang rape and shooting children. It's just that in a lot of cases it really seems that shock value is taking the place of compelling dialogue or characters. In the case of the Mother Fucker, his father was killed. In the first series, the Mother fucker nee Red Mist was a sycophantic nebbish, to a degree, that was seeking his father's approval. Dastardly, sure. Evil, fucking right. Gang raping child murderer, not so much. It's really that nothing in his initial character arc indicated this turn to, specifically, a child murdering gang rapist. I mean I would be fine with it if the character was occasionally, "This thrust duiring this gang rape is for you dad" or "I shoot these children for the glory of the (Italian Name)". Frankly, if I want to engage in fetishistic sexual violence and general non normative abohrance, I have the internet (and how!).


The same is doubly true of The Boys, due to the length of the series. At first, it was a novel concept: you take analogues for the majority of the "big 2's" and show them as unrepentant deviants. You take your team of chemically empowered regulators and violence ensues. THe only issue I had with it was after 50 something issues it was still the same thing. While the characters themselves that make up the titular group were interesting, it really just seemed that too much of the book was taken up by people getting pissed on. Which is fine, but it just gets old after a while. Pretty much, my issue is that, personally, I pick up the books for character development and snappy writing, which both authors have shown in spades throughout their decades long careers. If I want to see a Mary Marvel analogue get pissed on by the rest of the JSA, I will type that into google and then click on images. That's it. It's a chicken and the egg. For the record though, I thought that Young Liars did the whole constant jaw dropping deviance right, and the first Crossed was at least novel in showing the gimmick. Call me old fashioned, but demonically possessed pregnant 10 year olds get tiresome after a while. Unless they move the story forward.

The Trouble with Girls...and Boys...and Children in General...(Look nobody is going to get this reference but dammit that's the story of my life.)

About an hour ago I read this quote from Robert Langridge

I really don’t think Marvel and DC are helping things by having gritty, R-rated versions of their superheroes in their main comics – what they sell as the “real” versions – while simultaneously selling those exact same characters in kids’ comics and plastering them all over lunchboxes and animated cartoons… Casual readership by kids, or by parents for their kids, is effectively impossible the way things are currently structured. And I think the waters are muddied too far now to claw that ground back. I think it’s insane that DC have spent 70 years making Superman as big as Mickey Mouse, and branding him to be understood by parents as being pretty much as kid-friendly as Mickey Mouse, only to piss that brand away in a decade. Nothing wrong with doing mature content in comics – in fact, it should be encouraged as often as possible – but doing it with characters who are on your kids’ lunchboxes is kind of moronic. Take a lesson from Watchmen and come up with new characters for that stuff. And then go back to Superman and Batman and put the same kind of love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve been putting into all those rape scenes and body mutilations into something kids can read, and adults can also be proud to read because of all the love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve put into it, and make those the “real” versions.

—Roger Langridge, writer of the kid-friendly Thor: Mighty Avenger, which recently fell victim to just the attitude he is decrying. While he is perhaps best known for his work on BOOM! Studios’ Muppet Show comics, Langridge does plenty of more mature comics, too, but he always keeps his brands separate. The whole interview is well worth a read, as it covers Langridge’s career from his early days in New Zealand through his current work, from Knuckles, the Malevolent Nun to a new kid-friendly title for BOOM!

And it got me to thinking. Here are those thoughts...obviously:


I agree that something should be done to propagate a new generation of comic fans. Although frankly I want to say that the bigger issue is really that the direct market spinner racks have gone away. I mean when I started really reading comics as a kid in the late 80's/early 90's I could go get a copy of Punisher or X-Men at 7-11 on the way home from school. (I'm not counting my Star Comics and the old DC books that I'd read/draw on when I was 5. On a side note even as a young child I knew Vibe was terrible somehow.) Both of which actually featured a fair amount of on and off panel rape and mutilation if I'm not mistaken (mutilation typically on and rape typically off). And then when I was in 6th grade Image Comics started up and kids are getting their fingers cut off and glued to pieces of wood and literally every kid that read comics was picking them up and they had the action figures and the Venom figure wanted to eat my brains and nobody really seemed to care (except for the Venom figure. People did make a stink about that one.)

This was fine though. Because for the record the guilty couldn't escape the air kisses his machine gun fired.

But even before that there was one other questionable ass book that I read and that I had stuffed animals of yet still had a fair amount of mutilation and ogling and Cerebus: old school Eastman & Laird Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I mean the Shredder straight up murdered and raped people on panel and got crushed in a fucking trash compactor to wrap things up (like in the movie but gorier). And nobody at the store (the long since gone Geppi's Security or Catonsville maybe location) bated an eye or gave a shit. When I was 8 or 9 I remember going to the store with Grandmother in my Batman T-shirt and my Batman Chuck Taylor's and getting me a Batman comic...where the Joker ruthlessly and repeatedly beats Robin with a crowbar and then proceeds to blow up Robin and his mother. And do you know what happened in the next issue? Death by explosion that's what. And nobody cared.

Tappa-Tappa-Tappa

And do you want to know why? Because nobody wants to take any responsibility for their lax fucking parenting in this country any more. I mean seriously my parents let me watch HBO since I could turn a dial. My mother took me to go see Robocop 2 in theaters. I was 10 and it was awesome. They let me get all of the Mortal Kombat games when I was in middle school. And I had the best sleepover parties as a kid partly because they'd let us rent R-Rated movies. Or we could just watch the HBO. And here's the shocking part of it: I'm not a murderous sociopath. Do you know why? They took the time to instill the simplest of life lessons: you probably shouldn't rape and kill people or cut them up.

Christ I remember going over to a friend's house and listening to Appetite for Destruction on a Fisher Price tape player (we were literally 8) and we all turned out relatively fine all things considered.

And this was on the inside of the tape sleeve. Although in the 80's you couldn't turn around without seeing a woman who had been street raped by tagger robots.

It just seems that everyone wants to blame pop culture run amok for this unruly generation of micro bastards and baby prostitutes. And yes it certainly glamorizes it but at some point you've got to just say "No at my age we french kissed a boy that we liked. I mean we knew what rim jobs were in theory but nobody was brazen enough to be doling out the butt tongue. Certainly not at a 7th grade mixer if they were. I know that much Becky." So that's pretty much point A: comic books have been messed up for a while as far as content that is easily accessible to children. It's just that nobody cared because people took the five minutes to be like "Now Billy you know that you can't actually murder your way out of your problems right? "
"Yeah Dad. Good night."

Hell go read an old time fairy tale (now that I think of it) children have been exposed to murder and rape in fiction for centuries if not millenia with little to no incident.

Now back to specifically why children don't read comics that much these days. As I've already mentioned the spinner rack is now dead and gone which deprives our youth of easy access to funny books which leaves them one alternative: the comic books store.

While you can find them in finer strip malls the comic book store is kind of a mixed proposition for some I'd imagine. How do I put this delicately...a lot of weird mother fuckers hang out at comic book stores in addition to the 99% of the clientele that is perfectly affable. Here are a few of my favorites.

1) The crazy guy who always has rocks in his pockets and writes runes that are either in praise of or in the hopes of warding off Satan. We could never figure that out. He smells kind of funny and I wonder if the sores on his face are from syphilis or the wind. Also he is a real person that exists and not a caricature. Sometimes when he was the only customer and I was working in the old tiny isolated comic book store location (when it was next to the Chinese place) I would keep the axe handle that we used to prop the door open next to me. Simply put I was afraid that this dude was going to murder me; possibly for Satan.

2) The guy who mainly buys larger action figures of women with removable clothes. I have no idea where his many came from. I just knew that he liked to fuck dolls. Somehow. I'm never really figured out the physics of it. Dude liked naked dolls though. And would call about them constantly.

3) Junkies. They've got a bag of late 80's books. The books are loose. The bag has a faint undernote of urine. There is one randomly bagged and boarded book. It's like New Warriors #25. And they're incredulous when you don't hand them all of the cash in the register. Then off they go to go attempt to peddle their wares elsewhere via bus.

4) Casual perverts. Actually the main hentai guy at the shop I used to work at was pretty cool and we talked about the non-rape centered manga that he'd purchase and I think we both read Ultimate Spider-Man or something like that (Although Berserk still features a fair amount of it). The people who get the American porn comics tended to seem ashamed. The people who read Tarot just had bad taste. Haunted vaginas.

This is actually on the tame side for an A.G. cover. Also if you work in a comic book store don't casually flip through everything you find in people's boxes there are things you can't unsee.

I don't mention these individuals to vilify them. It's more so to state that yes they may be scaring off the normals. Although there's one more reason that the kids don't read the comics: They're terrifyingly insular.

Here's a fantastic example: when the first X-Men movie came out one of my friends asked me if I liked it. I said that I did. He then asked me what was technically inaccurate about the movie. This conversation lasted for half an hour. Actually it was a monologue of the most nit picky and inconsequential fun facts about X-men lore. But the thing is that this response is the default response when someone casually asks to have something about comic books explained.

In the comics Jean Grey never seems like Cyclops' sexy aunt

More recently a friend of mine asked me to explain what the deal was with Green Lantern rings. The other person in the room openly chided me for saying ridiculous sounding things for five minutes; he had every right to. Pretty much there typically aren't jumping on points for new readers in a lot of the flagship titles unless the status quo is being revamped. THe only issue with that is that half of the time the new status quo is kinda ass and has a 50/50 chance of getting retconned out of existence.

Let's try a modern example: Hold on the Hulk is red and Wonder Woman wears pants and 2 Hulks...3 Hulks? Wait one of them is his bastard son from his dead space girlfriend/ alien queen and Hulk's space bastard aged super quick because of a combo of gamma jizz/space rays. And the Red Hulk is Hulk's dead ex wife's father in law who faked his own death to avoid suspicion even though he was clearly seen being murdered by the Red Hulk which he is who was in turn murdering a robot duplicate. The technology to make this exact robo duplicate of course being discovered on top of the comatose body of I think history's greatest science bastard Sir Isaac Newton...I think. And no I didn't make any of that up. Also don't get me started on the 4th Hulk or the 3 She Hulks. Oh and apparently those shorts made Wonder Woman chafe or something. Look Wonder Woman will always be kinda lame.

(unless she's fighting an egg/Asian stereotype or in bondage)

So pretty much all I'm saying is this: observing sickening amounts of violence at any age is only going to be detrimental if someone doesn't explain the negative consequences to you or you're slow. Comic book stores are kind of terrifying to non-fans (start selling books and apparently baby clothes. People go ape shit for baby clothes even at a comic book store). The real issue facing the casual comic book reader may be the daunting and voluminous and oft contradictory and frequently silly exposition that leads into issue #578 of whatever a new reader is trying to pick up. And they should bring back spinner racks at finer convenience and food stores. That is all.

Top Nine Least Intimidating Iconic Comic Villains

The beauty of the top whatever list is that it is totally subjective. We read them on the internet and take them as cannon from upon high. Yet you can pretty much base them on a nebulous field of arbitrary metrics. I mean these are fictional characters that are written by a small army of creators for decades in some cases. With that in mind, and my natural proclivities towards the svengali lifestyle, I present you the reader with this definitive list of the least intimidating iconic comic book villains. Although we're going with nine because I'm lazy.

Now the reason that I am saying iconic comic book villains is that it would be entirely too easy to come up with a list of Mandrills and Boomerang themed villains to make a list of just plain old comic book villains. And that's why we'll begin with a semi shocking number 9.

# 9 - The Joker

The Joker, as everyone in most civilized nations knows, is the premier Bat villain. He provides a perfect foil for the cool and calculating Bruce Wayne by fundamentally countering him with a degree of organized chaos. Yet when we think of his main accomplishments, we think of killing Jason Todd and paralyzing Barbara Gordon - Robin 2 and Batgirl respectively. Fundamentally, he's a way more likable Joe Jackson because he's famous for beating kids.

In fairness, Jason Todd does suck pretty hard.

Secondly, there is the infamous boner issue. I think nothing more needs to be said that cannot already be taken from the source material. Having read he issue in its entirety the only thing that is missing is the phrase, "I will literally choke the Batman with all of these delicious boners."

No caption joke will top this. I don't know; think about your favorite Tobias Funke quote and imagine that you're reading that.

The next point is that before there was Harley Quinn there was this guy: Gagsworth A. Gagsworthy.

Break yo'self Pierrot le fou.

He dresses like Pagliocci, and his powerset involves headbutting Robin in the tender vittles. Granted he only appeared once before being dusted off a year ago, but he's a midget dressed like Pagliocci that headbutts Robin in the midsection.

# 8 Venom

When I was a boy, the undisputed niftiest talking Marvel figure was Venom because of his vocal and unabashed devotion to brain eating. (Not in the way Nicki Minaj intends to.) Now while Venom is a beloved character, he's on this list for a few reasons. Number one being that he went from a cannibal to a lunatic anti hero in the 90's. And lunatic anti heroes never work.

He's everywhere you want to be.

The main reason though is that while we think of Venom most people think of Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan, but, in actuality, the symbiote is a bit of a whore. In total there have been seven people that have been taken over by the symbiote without including the brief Venoms such as Franklin Richards. And there is nothing more disturbing in Spider-Man comics than this image.

That's going on my boner jams '11 post.

Finally, Venom is on this list because it's a product of the 90's really. He even went as far as to quote Homey the Clown in the final issue of "Maximum Carnage". Oh, and he's on here for never really getting closer to winning than a hundred year old czarist with a lion vest.



#7 - Magneto

He used to dress like this in the 80's.

We also would have accepted a joke about the aerobics movie "Perfection".

Now aside from rocking a gigantic M on his chest and resembling an extra from "Satan's Alley", Magneto is on this list for a few major reasons. Aside from his sartorial failings, Magneto finds his way onto the list for being not really that evil all things considered. He switches teams more frequently than Lindsay Lohan as he is currently back with the X-men. (the funny book Samantha Ronson it seems)

Granted, he has tried to take over the planet a few times, but he usually fucks up or is revealed to actually be a Chinese guy with a star for a head's evil twin who also has a star for a head. Also...he made a robot nanny for some reason and made out with the Wasp which is more puzzling than anything else.

Retcon: Because dammit I can't leave well enough alone.

He's an eighty year old holocaust survivor that was turned into a baby and then re-aged to his physical peak. He has time and again created an isolated mutant paradise and time and again found a way to totally biff it. Fake star head Magneto was felled in part by a man chicken mutant with a serious learning disability. So that's why Magneto is on here: he's not terribly evil all things considered.

#6 - Lex Luthor

While an iconic arch villain of the highest caliber, Luthor, who is oft lauded for his mental adroitness, has generated his own share of monumental boners. As a super scientist who perennially goes up against what is fundamentally a space god rendered as a man one wold imagine that he would be fairly adept with science. That said, one would imagine that he would know of the effects of wearing a ring made out of radioactive space rock for years. That he would know that he would eventually get cancer from it and then have to fake his death to put his brain in a clone body and that he would then have to pretend to be his own Aussie bastard son and speak in a fake Australian accent. After being trapped inside a self made prison of rapidly decaying clone carrion, Luthor would return to the land of the mobile in traditional comic book fashion: pact with not Satan.

After his brief period of demonic supplication, he would make the move that many real world types who have made a pact with Beelzebub-lite would: He would become president. Now what would an effective villain do in a seat of power to truly destabilize things? Would he say launch a global war under false pretenses? Would he not care about black people? Would he eventually get all juiced up on a steroid/kryptonite mix and rampage in the streets? If you guessed the last one you would be correct.

Had a higher approval rating in the power suit than Bush did.

And to top it off Luthor can currently be seen in the starring role of the frankly fantastic Action Comics...banging a robot Lois Lane. It works in the comic although I'm kind of surprised that nobody has made any "Lars and the Real Girl" jokes. Also, he used to reside on a planet called Lexor. This has nothing to do with diminishing his evil quotient; it's just a tad convenient. Oh and as a fun side note he's appeared in slightly more comic books that our very real current president.

Still slightly less evil than real Sarah Palin

#5 - Apocalypse

He's got a giant A on his belt in case he ever forgets his name. More importantly he has had 5000 years to...constantly get beaten. In the future, he gets beaten by a teen Cable. In the 80's, he got beaten by the old school X-Men who were operating as X-Factor at the time (with the help of Power Pack. For those who don't know Power Pack is comprised entirely of super powered 8 year olds.) He gets beaten by a clone of Cable. He mind hops into the body of Cyclops and gets beaten by Jean Grey and then his astral form gets nut punched by an adult Cable. While constantly losing is the hallmark of most malefactors, it's the manner in which most of these happens that places him on here.

However, C is still very much for cookie.

Mainly, he creates his own antagonists. He empowers old timey geneticist Nathaniel Essex into the subtly sobriqueted Mr. Sinister, who turns on him and creates the Jean Grey clone/brood mare Madelyne Pryor who births his arch nemesis Cable. Apocalypse in turn infects Cable with a techno organic virus that necessitates Cable being sent to the future...where he kills Apocalypse. In this future though Apocalypse attempts to transfer his consciousness into Cable's clone Stryfe. This plan goes tits up when Stryfe goes back in time (Sans a sweat ass Huey Lewis soundtrack) and kills Apocalypse...kinda. Most famously, Apocalypse grafted bad ass robot wings to a wingless Warren Worthington and also put Adamantium back on Wolverine's bones. Currently, the two are in the phenomenal "Uncanny X-Force"...trying to kill a child clone of Apocalypse.

If they really wanted to make him suffer they'd take him out after the last day of middle school.

#4 - Darkseid

Simply put for an ageless embodiment of deistic malfeasance he spends a lot of time doing seemingly pointless things on Earth. His ignoble start came in the insane/brilliant 4th world opus of Jack Kirby where he was first featured in the pages of Jimmy Olsen where he was supplying guns to mobsters. The part of this that I find odd is that here we have a nearly invulnerable space God selling guns to mobsters. (although in fairness the Monitor who...uh monitored the multiverse got his start in the same way.)

And that's really the main theme running throughout this waylaying of the character: for a nearly omnipotent space God he spends a lot of time slumming on Earth. The most recent example is found in the criminally underrated "Final Crisis". In the crossover, Darkseid finally wins when the Anti Life Equation is unleashed on an unsuspecting Earth. Before that though Darkseid and his cadre of dark gods survived the unrepentantly assy "Death of the New Gods" by coming back as kinda dated urban stereotypes. Glorious Godfrey came back as Al Sharpton...again. And Granny Goodness came back as Missy Elliott in the "Ladies Night" video (I had to think of a video from that epoch when she was not wearing a trash bag or dressed as Mega Man.) Darkseid returns as Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction". Now what do you do when you've cheated death after having your heart ripped out by your son? If your answer was make teenagers fight in a nightclub you are on your way to being a space tyrant.

"You and me are straight but you've lost your New Atlantis privileges Aqualad."

The final reason that Darkseid is on the list at the number four spot is that when he did murder his son with a backward firing time bullet he did it somewhere where Batman could find it which eventually lead to his circuitous downfall. (Don't worry the real villain was an entropic pan dimensional vampire.) In concert with that, his final final plan that also hinged on outwitting Batman (in an entertaining fashion that would be even more convoluted sounding frankly.) Nobody outwits the Batman...even Rainbow Batman.

In the Golden Age he used to say that criminals were a fearful and color blind lot.

#3 - Sabretooth

Precious few like the character Sabretooth as much as I do. Every time I meet a blond I stand in front of her, snap my fingers, and yell out "Birdy!" If she does not proceed to pull out an excessively cumbersome machine gun that shoots out three slow moving square bullets, I move on with my day. Ridiculously outdated in-jokes aside; Sabretooth is on this list for one reason: he's a fucking Highlander and he once lost to Power Pack. Yes the litmus test for super villains is whether or not they are bested by a group of juiced up 8 year olds. If you can think of better criteria, I'd like to hear them. (Also never do a google search for images of Power Pack. Just trust me on that one.)

The worst part in all of this is that the only thing on this cover you'll never see again in a Marvel comic book is the lit cigarette.

Now onto the Highlander portion of this - It's been revealed that Wolverine and Sabretooth belong to some subset of wolf people. They're not mutants, and they can only be killed by getting decapitated by a magic sword that's forged from a shard of Wolverine's soul. Now if that sounds like the premise to some sort of Highlander themed Kingdom Hearts then you and I are on the same page as sad as that is.

It doesn't help that he also started dressing like an extra from "Hair" at the end of it all.

The other reason that Sabretooth is on here is that well he's kind of a bitch. He's been a lackey for Mister Sinister for much of his career and in his solo efforts he's often getting taken out by everyone from Ms. Marvel to Iron Fist. He was represented as being borderline exceptional (read the R word) in the first X-men film. And his Ultimate incarnation was adroitly referred to as a budget Wolverine. Also, he's mainly famous for killing regular ass people on the side while doing some super villainy. And when he was unceremoniously decapitated was when he was seeing a bit of a revitalization in Mike Carey's run on X-men adjectiveless.

#2 - Mephisto

Now while a lot of the uninitiated may be scratching their heads as to why a villain they've never heard of is on here; let me make this simple: He's Satan...kinda. And they don't get more iconic than that. Besides, all the fanboys know why he's on here: One More Day.

It is actually sillier than this. I shit you not.

In One More Day, Satan pretty much erases Spider Man's marriage because comic book fans could relate to a man with Spider powers but not one with a banging ginger wife. So he saves Aunt May's life and totally change the status quo in exchange for the love shared between Peter and MJ, and he's Satan. If anything you'd think that if he was trying to create true suffering in the world he'd prolong marriages indefinitely. (Snare drum and comment about the pepper steak to follow)

"Fine." - Spider-Man as played by 1 out of 2 married Americans.

Aside from that, it's the standard case of creating his own enemies (Ghost Rider), being fairly ineffectual at Satan-ing (See above), and possibly being an evil cave mutant that mutated into the concept of Satan as some sort of inborn mutation that is triggered by man's natural place in the universe guarding the asexually reproduced fetus of a race of space Gods that take eons to gestate and mature. (It's totally out of continuity..maybe)



#1 - Dr. Doom

While he may lay down the sickest rhymes, he still tops this list due to myriad reasons. For the sake of brevity only the key ones shall be discussed. First among them: he's the biggest "mama's boy" in all of comics. In fact, without his near zealot levels of mommy need he wouldn't even be Dr. Doom in the first place because he never would have constructed the Hell viewing machine to communicate with his dead mom. He has also gone as far to travel to the realm in attempts to rectify the situation.

Just because it's awesome dammit.

When he isn't engaging in sense shattering oedipal action, he's busy saving Christmas. Long story short Doom shoots down Santa and is then tasked with completing his rounds of gift giving and cookie thieving. Which is actually the antithesis of evil. For an encore, he and the Black Panther examined the true meaning of Kwanzaa.

Fought Hannukah Harry to a standstill though.

This one may be kind of a low blow given that he is a fictional character and as such occasionally serves in a misguided metaphorical capacity, but this bears examination due to the inanity of the proposed rhetorical impact: He cried at Ground Zero. Now, it's certainly the most resonant moment in modern American history, but he's a cartoon murderer/ terrorist. He spends much of his time attempting to destabilize regions with little care for collateral damage. Pretty much, it's yet another attempt to ham fist current real world events into a stylized and fictional world. When handled in such an awkward fashion, it trivializes these very real events because it renders them within a realm of very unreal consequences; as this is a universe in which death is merely a hiccup. From a character standpoint it makes the sovereign of Latveria kind of look like a bitch all things considered because as Kanye West would put it "HE'S FUCKING EVIL." If taken as in continuity, I feel that his interactions with Norman Osborn in their cabal would have read as such:

Dr. Doom - Norman given our position of unparalleled power I feel that this vendetta you're carrying out against Spider-Man is little more than a schoolyard skirmish or bathroom wiener measurement contest.

Norman Osborn - Of course you'd say that. you were after all featured on CNN crying like a bitch. Would you care for Ms. Hand ordering you a wahburger and french cries from Five Guys? Or would you prefer that instead of taking out Spider-Man we take out Dr. McDreamy for toying with Meredith's emotions for the past few seasons?

It gets me every time. She remembers who she is for just a second after they read that notebook. Be strong Doom. Be strong...

And in closing there's the fact of Dr. Doom's most embarrassing losses. The first one is the case of Doom stiffing Hero for Hire Luke Cage out of about $800. Granted this was the 1970's and Cage may have needed tiara polish. Anyway, the plot of the issue is that Luke Cage borrows the Fantasticar, raises hell through the sleepy fake nation of Latveria, and gets his money without choking nary a bitch and fighting Doom to a relative standstill. The reason that I mention this is that he could also use the money to pay his nanny Squirrel Girl...who also bested Doom once. And is like Aquaman, but she talks to squirrels. She's an ideal foil to the dogs from "Up" I guess and has a tail and gigantic teeth. That is all.

Quake with fear!

And Then There Were 3 - Death and the Modern American Funnybook

And we're back after a year and a half hiatus. A few things have happened since last we spoke. Lost went off the air in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Everything changed in DC and Marvel comics. I went to SDCC last year and got to play Marcap 3 and meet some industry types and do some general starfucking. I got a new job which I'm at right this very moment. The comma and period keys broke on my computer, and I have to copy paste in periods. From now on there will be sparse usage of the comma. Bu that's not why you've trundled here via a poorly executed Google search. No no. You've careered into fanboy loathing. We must destroy what we love...I don't think I can actually sound more creepily predatory while talking about comics so...let's have at it then.

It's a well known fact that the concept of death in the comic book is as abused a trope as the coma/ coma fantasy in the soap opera or the tweener (neutral good character not a 12 year old) in professional wrestling. From Jean Grey to Donna Troy we have witnessed characters being expunged and resurrected with a startling rapidity. After a typically heroic death (sacrificing oneself to save the planet yadda yadda) or succumbing to some shockingly pedestrian real world hot button malady (Fight with Magneto?...nope slow battle with cliche AIDS metaphor), we move on to the lugubrious farewell issue only to see the character come back in some such ridiculous fashion.

Yep me and the Chinese government got over on you in a very roundabout fashion

Now that the uninitiated have been familiarized with the basic schemes and tropes, we can move on to the current slow news cycle event going on in Fantastic Four.

So who's going to die?


Invisible Woman -

This was easily the classiest rendering I could find.

Nope. Doesn't really fit into the story that well. And this isn't Lost, so you don't have to kill a woman to bump up the emotional impact for the audience. Most of us grew up with the characters, and they're as large a part of Americana as any other super team, so you don't really have to go with the shock kill. Also, that's a massive downer. Here's how every issue would break down:

Panel 1 - Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Human Torch, a rocked up Sharon Ventura (80's lady Thing), Valeria, and Franklin are in the Fantasticar at the edge of a swirling mass of negative zone particles. They are watching the act of creation as this protoplasmic broth is birthing a new reality. A baby universe is unfolding in front of them; they are looking at something never gazed upon by human eyes.

Reed - Isn't this amazing Franklin? We literally have box seats at an event only thought to be viewed by the Gods of old? We are here at the bleeding edge of reality soaking in events of universal significance. Even an errant fart could cause a cataclysmic ripple through this baby universe. Yes, one misplaced fart could be more devastating then 1,000 Hitlers.

Franklin - That's neat. I really wish my mom wasn't dead.

Human Torch -

I originally thought it was a Fire Island Goku costume.

Probably not. Granted, the argument has been made that he hasn't died before in the book. The fact that this is a viable argument really speaks more to my earlier statements about the meaningless of death in the medium. Also, he'd be the easiest to replace. Grab Firestorm or the other Human Torch if he's still around. Simply put, nobody would care as much. The character hasn't really seen a heightened level of prominence (Fonzie status) since the 60's really.


Mr. Fantastic -

It controls the universe and keeps the pimphand strong.

Very likely. Firstly, most of Hickman's arc has been pretty Reed centric. There was the arc about the league of Reed Richardses. He's featured prominently in other titles as part of the deus ex machina brain trust with Tony Stark and Hank "White Chris Brown" Pym. The death of the character would actually have an impact on the rest of the fictional landscape. And given that there was a story arc with a bunch of other hims; it'd be incredibly easy to bring the character back. Here's how it would go

Panel - Doctor Doom is now knocked unconscious in front of Thing, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and let's say Deadpool (he's everywhere you want to be). The shadowy figure behind him is revealed to be none other than Reed Richards.

Thing - Oh my God. We thought you'd died. We were so broken up over things and...things happened. Pretty much you, me, and Suzie needs to talk because once you go orange rock penis you never go back. Look, nothing rhymes with orange stretch-o. But, how'd you get here elastic slacks?

Mr. Fantastic - Another Reed Richards put me in a giant hamster ball made out of I don't know unobtainum or some such bullshit. Also, I knew about you and my whore wife because I made a magic divorce pact with Satan to become more relatable to our socially undesirable readers. I'm totally banging Dazzler now... tesseract.

The Thing -

Finally, a Big Ben that won't get accused of rape.

Regrettably, that's probably a bingo. Actually, it's just bingo. Now granted from a story based perspective Reed Richards makes the most sense. The book has become more Reed-centric than usual of late, but here's the thing: comics are about giving you a puppy and then murdering it in front of you and then bringing the puppy back right before your eyes. They're like apocryphal child Jesus in that respect. And let's face it, The Thing is most people's favorite member of the FF, and he's the one that is mentioned most frequently in other mediums given his beloved catchphrase. (Although I personally prefer, "It's the smashing hour.") Now aside from that, the other reason that you kill off Ben Grimm is that he's featured in New Avengers. That way you can get the tribute issue in FF, and you can get the tribute in New Avengers. The other reason, as first pointed out by the incomparable Rich Johnston, is that he's the only character featured in artwork for upcoming Marvel books and there are two Thing related collections coming out in March. So that's really it. The Thing is probably going to die because who'd care about anyone else dying who isn't already going to put up their comic dollar to read FF? Although it saddens me to see the world down another Jewish super hero. Now all we've got is Kitty Pryde and Sabra in the Marvel U, and Sabra don't roll on Shabbos.

And in closing: Flash Thompson is obviously the new Venom