And Then There Were 3 - Death and the Modern American Funnybook

And we're back after a year and a half hiatus. A few things have happened since last we spoke. Lost went off the air in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Everything changed in DC and Marvel comics. I went to SDCC last year and got to play Marcap 3 and meet some industry types and do some general starfucking. I got a new job which I'm at right this very moment. The comma and period keys broke on my computer, and I have to copy paste in periods. From now on there will be sparse usage of the comma. Bu that's not why you've trundled here via a poorly executed Google search. No no. You've careered into fanboy loathing. We must destroy what we love...I don't think I can actually sound more creepily predatory while talking about comics so...let's have at it then.

It's a well known fact that the concept of death in the comic book is as abused a trope as the coma/ coma fantasy in the soap opera or the tweener (neutral good character not a 12 year old) in professional wrestling. From Jean Grey to Donna Troy we have witnessed characters being expunged and resurrected with a startling rapidity. After a typically heroic death (sacrificing oneself to save the planet yadda yadda) or succumbing to some shockingly pedestrian real world hot button malady (Fight with Magneto?...nope slow battle with cliche AIDS metaphor), we move on to the lugubrious farewell issue only to see the character come back in some such ridiculous fashion.

Yep me and the Chinese government got over on you in a very roundabout fashion

Now that the uninitiated have been familiarized with the basic schemes and tropes, we can move on to the current slow news cycle event going on in Fantastic Four.

So who's going to die?


Invisible Woman -

This was easily the classiest rendering I could find.

Nope. Doesn't really fit into the story that well. And this isn't Lost, so you don't have to kill a woman to bump up the emotional impact for the audience. Most of us grew up with the characters, and they're as large a part of Americana as any other super team, so you don't really have to go with the shock kill. Also, that's a massive downer. Here's how every issue would break down:

Panel 1 - Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Human Torch, a rocked up Sharon Ventura (80's lady Thing), Valeria, and Franklin are in the Fantasticar at the edge of a swirling mass of negative zone particles. They are watching the act of creation as this protoplasmic broth is birthing a new reality. A baby universe is unfolding in front of them; they are looking at something never gazed upon by human eyes.

Reed - Isn't this amazing Franklin? We literally have box seats at an event only thought to be viewed by the Gods of old? We are here at the bleeding edge of reality soaking in events of universal significance. Even an errant fart could cause a cataclysmic ripple through this baby universe. Yes, one misplaced fart could be more devastating then 1,000 Hitlers.

Franklin - That's neat. I really wish my mom wasn't dead.

Human Torch -

I originally thought it was a Fire Island Goku costume.

Probably not. Granted, the argument has been made that he hasn't died before in the book. The fact that this is a viable argument really speaks more to my earlier statements about the meaningless of death in the medium. Also, he'd be the easiest to replace. Grab Firestorm or the other Human Torch if he's still around. Simply put, nobody would care as much. The character hasn't really seen a heightened level of prominence (Fonzie status) since the 60's really.


Mr. Fantastic -

It controls the universe and keeps the pimphand strong.

Very likely. Firstly, most of Hickman's arc has been pretty Reed centric. There was the arc about the league of Reed Richardses. He's featured prominently in other titles as part of the deus ex machina brain trust with Tony Stark and Hank "White Chris Brown" Pym. The death of the character would actually have an impact on the rest of the fictional landscape. And given that there was a story arc with a bunch of other hims; it'd be incredibly easy to bring the character back. Here's how it would go

Panel - Doctor Doom is now knocked unconscious in front of Thing, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and let's say Deadpool (he's everywhere you want to be). The shadowy figure behind him is revealed to be none other than Reed Richards.

Thing - Oh my God. We thought you'd died. We were so broken up over things and...things happened. Pretty much you, me, and Suzie needs to talk because once you go orange rock penis you never go back. Look, nothing rhymes with orange stretch-o. But, how'd you get here elastic slacks?

Mr. Fantastic - Another Reed Richards put me in a giant hamster ball made out of I don't know unobtainum or some such bullshit. Also, I knew about you and my whore wife because I made a magic divorce pact with Satan to become more relatable to our socially undesirable readers. I'm totally banging Dazzler now... tesseract.

The Thing -

Finally, a Big Ben that won't get accused of rape.

Regrettably, that's probably a bingo. Actually, it's just bingo. Now granted from a story based perspective Reed Richards makes the most sense. The book has become more Reed-centric than usual of late, but here's the thing: comics are about giving you a puppy and then murdering it in front of you and then bringing the puppy back right before your eyes. They're like apocryphal child Jesus in that respect. And let's face it, The Thing is most people's favorite member of the FF, and he's the one that is mentioned most frequently in other mediums given his beloved catchphrase. (Although I personally prefer, "It's the smashing hour.") Now aside from that, the other reason that you kill off Ben Grimm is that he's featured in New Avengers. That way you can get the tribute issue in FF, and you can get the tribute in New Avengers. The other reason, as first pointed out by the incomparable Rich Johnston, is that he's the only character featured in artwork for upcoming Marvel books and there are two Thing related collections coming out in March. So that's really it. The Thing is probably going to die because who'd care about anyone else dying who isn't already going to put up their comic dollar to read FF? Although it saddens me to see the world down another Jewish super hero. Now all we've got is Kitty Pryde and Sabra in the Marvel U, and Sabra don't roll on Shabbos.

And in closing: Flash Thompson is obviously the new Venom