So Where are we Going NOW!... Wait did you get that? I don't know...may have been a little subtle... the other idea was Marvel MEOW!

So, as I did to mild fanfare back in the days of Myspace, in my salad days, I'm pretty much going to spoil semi obvious things or make wild speculations about unrevealed things about comic books that have yet to come out.  Now, you may be wondering where my skills of ratiocination come from, mainly Phoenix Wright games and tv mysteries of the 80's.  So without further ado, to spoil the unspoiled, which is difficult in our day and time.  So we'll start with the only one that nobody is going to call.

Avengers

So, who's that guy in the back you may ask?  Well, there's really just one logical choice for it.  First, look at the hair.  It's dreadlocks or something of that nature.  You know what, I don't feel like drawing this out with a bunch of cute little questions and shit of that ilk.  Really no sense in drawing it out.  They're coming our of a portal; he's got dreads; they're trying to add new blood to the line up (i/e Cannonball and Sunspot) and it's obviously Eden Fesi from Secret Warriors, which was written by Avengers author Johnathon Hickman, and also a pretty good read if you haven't picked it up.  IT can get a little dense with all of the insane plot twists, I mean as dense as a cape and tight espionage book gets, but it's a fun read with solid art and characterization that really plays with the universe well and has some pretty neat moments.  So yeah.  There's that.  

All New X-Men

So far it's looking like it's just some new characters in the background.  Probably with some tangential connection with the franchise.  As the girl with the obvious phoenix attire (yes, I'm speculating on a sash on a funny book cover, my former professors and employers are rolling in their respective chairs) is not Rachel Grey,  well who is it?

You've really only got two options then: Hope and also teenage Jean Grey.  First one makes some sense as with the whole summer event book and the phoenix thing, and the sash.  It's a logical-ish call as this is a place for kinda logic.  Teenage Jean Grey though is the more interesting choice as well the leads of the two x-men books are both fascinated with dead gingers, but our nation still mentions Lindsay Lohan, so it's understandable (I'm a time traveler from six months in the future). The other reason that it works, honestly, is based around the potential storyline aspects of it, and by that I mean teenage Jean Grey after learning about her many myriad deaths and being dressed as a dominatrix and marrying a herb who mind bangs a woman behind her back is like nertz to um living through this and jumps ship to probably Uncanny as it's more interesting what with the whole broken up Scott and Emma, so there you have it.  Also, there's really no correlation of thing sin the present of comics on some things (I'm talking about Damion Hellstrom who is a hero and a villain and dead all in the same month).  So the space time doesn't really matter and having them float around in the present indefinitely is kinda neat conceptually.

Update - I'm totally fucking wrong.  It's some girl with a sash and time powers.  Doesn't even have red hair in the thing.  

X-Men Legacy

I'm more excited than I thought I'd be for this one.  I've always liked Legion as much as you can as he only showed up every so often back in the day and would go coma, trying to kill Wolfsbane, unwriting history etc. every so often.  Anyway, the whole multiple personalities, powers, psych prison thing is kinda cool.  And for the new series it should also be cool as, obviously, the gimmick is now changed to be the well received, but cancelled Moon Knight reboot of a couple years ago. In that book, Marc Spector vacillated between the personalities of Wolverine, Spider-Man, and I want to say Cap instead of the given personalities he had established which is a novel twist on it and more compelling to the less well versed fan, as we weren't all in middle school freaking out over Stephen Platt's art on it and glancing at it.  Anyway, 

So, I mean this is pretty obviously going to be dude controlling the many farcical characters in his head by jumping from the personalities of Wolverine, Magneto, Cable, and Beast.  I mean it's kinda right there.  Or not.  I'm just trying to kill time until 5 at this point.


Superior Spider-Man

So the slip on that one is that it's Miguel O'Hara from Spider-Man 2099, which is actually the most palatable option really.    Unless it's 616 Miles Morales, who if you read Spider-Men (which was actually pretty good) does exist.  Although that might be a bit too much.

And on that note I'm done for right now.  Here are a couple of quick ones though.

Iron Man

A lot of people really don't care for Greg Land and are quite vocal about it.  Just saying.  Read issue #1 going to give it an arc before passing judgement.

Deadpool

It's Deadpool all right.  Now the question is to see if it stays fresh or gets grating.  So far though it's got Brian Posehn and Tony Moore, and that's awesome.  Even though the last series lost it's way after a while, Deadpool is either nifty or grating; it's one or the other; there is no middle ground.  So far we're at nifty.

Uncanny X-Force

It's a tall order to fill.  I'll give it a shot, but I don't know if it's going to live up to the last series.  Also, the only real question is if Cluster is a girl clone, as Fantomex does do the cloning, or EVA in a suit.

So there you go.  Comic Book fever.  Catch it.  I guess. It's better than Magic: The Herpening.  Yes, I just made that up.  But seriously, they make you buy new cards every year.  Glad that I've spent this many 0 dollars on it since the late 90's.  I'm a freeloader and will just borrow your deck.  I digress.  #NERDSHIT.

   

Party like it's 2005...kinda - AVX Retrospective.

As the leaves change, so to does the landscape of comic bookery.  It is inevitable.  Every year, every thing changes.  It is the mutability of the beast.  Before us, it transmutes into a chimera.  This sloughing beast has many names: New 52, Dark Reign, and now...um Marvel Now.  But6 how did we get here?  What was the impetus for this monumental return to a prior status quo?  Punching space gods in both the face and genitals; that's how.  But how does all of this interstellar nard punching make us feel?  Well, to answer that you can start your own blog I guess, and I'll read it fair, illusory reader.  Now though we will deal with how I feel.

It was okay I guess

I mean it didn't leave the typical flavor of carrion, from pummeled equine, that a lot of events give me.  Part of this was just due to the fact that it didn't really up my pull, as I was reading most of the books anyway.  The other part was that there was less truly ancillary filler. Granted, there was a lot of expounding on the meteoric crackle of fists between say The Thing and Namor, but there was less of say, Jackpot, fighting a Skrull that was a hodgepodge of B-list Spider Villains.  So, yes, that's a plus I guess.  Pretty much, these comic super events are typically a bloated mass of vestigial tales, bloat, and laconic droning.  This event at least stayed on topic for the most part with the tie-ins.  Sure, some of it was kind of filler, but it was competent filler usually, and it all dealt with the main conflict, more or less.  As for the plot, they probably could have tightened the thing up a scooch, as the most interesting concept, beloved X-men making the slow burn from magnanimous cyphers of an ill defined space god to fascistic, man thonged, tyrants was left on the side for more punching.  THe reason for this is that well after the X-Men made that full, inevitable, heel turn you knew where this was going.

 

  Sisqo saw all of this coming

 As for the events within, there have been some decent moments and interactions sure.  I do look forward to some of the new books coming out of this, but yeah pretty much this:  Charles Xavier died way more convincingly, given ephemerally, in Messiah Complex; the Phoenix lost way more meaningfully in um The Dark Phoenix Saga; The Thing punched Namor way harder in the 60's when men were men, and women knew their place.  I mean, yes, characters come from literally out of left field in the last issue, and I mean I almost called the resolution to it Spoiler it's just that they didn't say "Fine, More Mutants" but "More Mutants" and "No More Phoenix" as it's good to be the Deus Ex Machina.

We all would have preferred it ending with "Fine, More Maggot"...No?

You Should buy AVX Versus #6

It's got Squirrel Girl and Pixie, and Domino beats up Rulk.



So...

In summation, AVX was who we thought it was.  It was Avengers and X-men punching each other and eventually coming together to fight a common enemy, some of the X-men.  Wakanda got leveled; Hope knows Kung-Fu; Spider-Man can take a punch to the face; fine, More Mutants; Cyclops' arc has made him both more interesting over the years/ kind of a dick;  I guess as the heavy handed allegories for civil rights go, that makes Wolverine MLK Jr?   I don't even know any more.  So, in closing, it was better than last year's events, as Fear Itself was instantly retconned after publication/ inconsistent and Flahpoint, seriously what the fuck just happened?  Wait?  What?  Sot that's what you missed in AVX.   

No, Seriously, what the fuck?  I still don't, what?

I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.

On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen.  And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it.  Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra.  Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.

So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole.  I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with.  Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness.  Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk.  Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film.  While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked.  While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it.  Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it.  Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2.  Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled.  THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous). 


*Spoilers*




About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand.  THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan".  Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating.  So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie.  While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.

#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order.  I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic.  My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward?  I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been  great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit.  You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin.  While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work.  You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin.  Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil.  Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE

While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty.  It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember.  He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems.  More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole.  Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly.  And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works.  If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.

#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.

We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good.  This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain.  Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were  actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe.  I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked.  Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.

#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?

Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present.  Done.  You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not.  B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing.  Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's.  Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing.  Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker.  You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever.  And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.

Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one.  You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains.  The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns.  I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing.  One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone.  He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.

Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo.  While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already.  You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar.  Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it.  I also enjoyed the always angry thing.  Also, the Hulk can fucking talk.  He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced.  There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit.  Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward.  Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie.  I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.

Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something?  I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage.  They'll probably be used fro universe building.  Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe?  I don't know.  Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman?  Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe. 

#4 - So who else are they going to do?
 First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie.  This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision.  As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually?  Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes.  I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America.  As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though.  I've also heard rumblings of  a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon?   Rambling aside, I think we're done here.

So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions.  The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently.   Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note. 

Summer Loathing - Sitting out a Summer Event

This summer is looking up for the nerds as we've got Avengers and Dark Knight Rises, so there are at least two summer blockbusters that won't disappoint (because dammit Nolan could probably make Bat-Mite work honestly even if Bat-Mite was all CG and voiced by Eddie Murphy. Actually, I take that back; that would be fucking amazing...you know. Also, the new GI Joe can't be worse than the first one...right?). So as we've got the tent pole movies of every summer, we've also got 2 summer comic book events of every summer (down from 3 as the X-men and Marvel U general summer events are the same one for once) with AVX...obviously, and we've got the non company wide Before Watchmen. I'm thinking of sitting one out. As a borderline Marvel zombie, I will be following AVX as I really like the new energy that Aaron and Gillen have brought to the books. I read most of the Avengers proper because well they're generally engaging and like most comic book fans (I'm assuming from years as a fan and former comic shop employee that well people go apeshit for tie in books.) I'm a habitual completest. So pretty much, I'm not picking up anything I don't read for the tie ins, and I don't have to deal with the self contained tie in series that vacillate wildly in quality and relevance. So obviously, I'm going to be sitting out Before Watchmen (for the most part) and here's why.

#1 It's not a sacred cow thing.

Shouldn't Pig Pen be Rorschach?

Look, everyone loves Watchmen. I'm also going to put out there that the Watchmen movie was the best adaptation of a movie that never should have been made under any circumstances. What, it was engaging and the performances were pretty spot on. Sure, the ending of the movie was not the best, but I don't want to sit through another hour of movie because you have to add in the Black Freighter to add in the author of it and the island making that Cthulu thing (blah blah Architects of Fear- we all know; we're all clever; it's referenced in the book itself). So tangents aside, (what...dammit Bry) it's pretty much this - I revere the original work as everyone does; it truly is a nearly flawless work of sequential artistry. It deserves the accolades it has gotten. Yet as a nearly flawless, work there is one implicit caveat that must be accepted: it tells a complete story. Even if not labored about, we can see both explicitly and tacitly the character arcs that moved Rorschach from slightly disturbed costumed crime fighter (what you're putting on a costume to fight crime) to um Rorschach. The same can be said of possible homosexual Adrian Viedt and the rest. So off the bat, it's not because you simply shouldn't mess with a classic (even though it usually doesn't work); it's that I personally don't know if there is anything you could really add to the character arcs that would really clarify things or themes that could be expanded on that would provide new insight.

#2 Because prequels are so great?

In fairness, this was the same magazine that proclaimed that The Knack were the "New Beatles"/It's sad that only one of the three tragedies on this cover is still talked about today. (burn...me?)

I don't know if you guys remember Episodes I-III of a little indie franchise called Star Wars (Although Before Star Wars may be a better title). In the case of Star Wars while there may have been a genuine intent to add to the mythos of Star Wars - it kind of ended up a poorly thought out ancillary cash grab that did precious little (for me) than muddy my love of the franchise and waste 20-30 dollars over the span of a few years. Granted, X-Men First Class was awesome, but I'm not even sure that is a prequel to the earlier X-men movies (Although confusing and contradictory continuity in the films is kind of a wink to the comic book franchise). And the Watchmen prequel video game was a failure on literally every level (at least the demo I played). It was an uninspired beat em up that loosely followed a story line that was mentioned in the comics and not flushed out for the valid reason of irrelevance.

# 3 The creative teams will probably make me a liar and hypocrite though

Okay, so I'm probably going to at least flip through the Comedian and Minutemen books. What? Darwyn Cooke on Minutemen is a no brainer for doing the book itself. Azzarello and Jones on the Comedian... I love Jones but if you put Bermejo on it you can bank on people's fond memories of the Luthor and Joker books. At the same time though, I'm dubious of whether I'll actually purchase them or read them in the store (which as an employee for life of a local comic books store I am within my rights to do). So that's really it for that part of it; the creative teams are solid all around and under normal circumstances I would be inclined to read a book by them but unfortunately....

#4 It speaks to an unfortunate trend facing the modern funny book.

The kids don't like words in their comics that much. As is to say, I don't know why you need however many issues to tell the ancillary tales of characters that were well rounded with full well rendered arcs and rich backstories in 12 issues. Look, I do enjoy the decompressed wide screen comic book when done well. While I'm sure the talent assembled will put out top caliber work, it'll be divorced from the source material on the fundamental level that comic book writing has changed drastically since 1985-86. That's really it; the beast has changed in such a way that there has to be a fundamental story telling disconnect between the two. I feel that even though (sight totally unseen) these collected works will be so structurally different that even though they feature the same characters they may feel alien...or not.

As for AVX

The first issue was kind of meh because I had read at least half of it in the form of previews on the internet and other comic books. I mean I think like 4 pages of it were really new content to me. Also, a former comic shop employee pointed out that there was a conflict between #0 and #1 relating to the characters' reactions to the general destruction in NY. It also seemed that Ms. Marvel forgave Wanda really quickly (I will not speak to Children's Crusade...the internet has done that for me...I do enjoy that Jim Cheung though.)

As I've always been good at predicting the ends of summer events (I won a $50 bet on the end of Secret Invasion), I will now give a prediction based on a single issue and a tie in book.

1. Cyclops dies at some point

Like on Fringe! I hear. I liked the show, but my TV dance card is so full.

He's been kind of a dick of late. What? He has. Pretty much in these events someone has to die and logically speaking he's the most likely. Granted, I've been wrong before though. Part of me wanted to say Cable but he's died and gotten better during so many of these summer events. If it was Magneto, who would care really he's tied with Jean Grey on the dying and coming back thing (fact check?). Hope is on there but Phoenix and death and rebirth you know. While Wolverine would be...never happen ever. Oh, unless this new Capt. Marvel thing is an oakey doke and Carol Danvers eats it but why? So process of elimination leaves us with Cyclops.

2. The Phoenix brings with it Death Rebirth and... a soft reboot.

I'm hoping that there isn't a full on line wide New 52 reboot. Granted they did leave the Bat and GL books largely untouched which...just keep some consistency on some of the books I read and we'll see. I mean if anything the New 52 did get me to buy some new titles for 3-6 issues. So good job I guess. I don't know. It'll probably happen. If anything, your average comic book fan is your typical abused partner. We take our lumps. We vent about it (taking up lets say 5% of the internet), but we always come back. Although the numbers are nowhere near where they were 20 years ago, well, people have their limits on things - spider clone/ general shitiness/ 90's comics are great for beating up on- even if I did love many of them at the time and to a point. Anyway, it's probably going to happen, and I don't know if we'll have a Jean Grey School for Higher Learning or Jean Grey at a school for higher learning - although I'd doubt it.

#3 - Deus ex Grey

Commence Slashfic/ ready Boner Jams 12 countdown!

White hot rooms have to have doors right? And it wouldn't be totally surprising for someone to die at the end of an event and then get better (Prof. X - Messiah Complex). I mean he died (again) and came back 3 weeks later to little fanfare with walking legs and psychic powers in tow. Also, it seems to be a recurring trend of late to totally undo the changes made in an event after said event (Fear Itself .1 issues). So, pretty much the end game I predict is this: Cyclops dies stopping, something, that is keeping Hope and the Phoenix from merging. Hope does whatever, whispers "um, more mutants?" Phoenix obliges. Leaves/ is Jean Grey/ is all like, "sorry, bro." I would actually pay extra to see that be the exact dialogue.

# 4 - More Mutants

Because nobody demanded it! Actually, I've put Maggot through enough over the years. He could team up with Whiz Kid?

Why not? They're still pretty popular. And if anything there is a certain cyclical nature to the beast. It's also the only way to have one of these senses shattering everything changes events where, um, anything changes, aside from shit going all Days of Future Past. It makes sense on a storytelling level and just a logical level. Pretty much an Avengers win a battle/lose a war. Wolverine probably has a last second or mid event change of heart. Cyclops' heroic actions make Cap think twice about what have you. Everyone saves face/ characters are redeemed. Although, ideally the book ends with Storm, T'Challa, Luke Cage, Moses Magnum, and Misty Knight forming a secret black cabal called the Cluminati secretly ruling the Marvel U. And they call the period afterwards Darker reign or Candy Reign, I fucking love that song. Yes, that was my prediction for after Siege. Yes, I made that joke years ago on I want to say Myspace. Still waiting.

Actual Loathing- The Shortlist of Things that are irksome

As this is an apparently annually updated blog with loathing in the title, I feel the need to kvetch about something or other. In fact, that's the other key part of fandom: listen to sports radio, read a message board anywhere, you're on the internet; you know the drill. As this is relating to fanboy-ism, they will mainly related to the topic. They will be ordered arbitrarily, yet all will be filled with overlong invectives that downplay the unabashed triviality of these matters. Commence bitching.

Oh, Jesus, I hope this isn't the start of Gang Bang Theory

1 - Stop asking me if I watch Big Bang Theory



I find the show to be exploitative of "nerd culture" (itself a corporate synergy painted as some sort of warm and fuzzy collectivism). I don't think that many Americans really get the jokes about physics (I've watched maybe 3 episodes in my life, never by choice). More to the point...stop saying Ba-zinga at me when I make a funny. I'm half joking on that one. My main issue with the show is that in those 3 episodes the show, set in a world with only DC exclusive comic book stores, gets things so very wrong about comic books. That's it. It's that the show, and countless other products of its ilk, attempts to look at a sub culture in a way that is presented as warm and humanizing, yet at the same time, is obviously nothing more than a thrown together hodge podge of sub culture tropes. Much like a say Napoleon Dynamite the concept is about embracing the differences and quirks of the characters, while deriving much of the laughs at the character's expense for these same quirks that they are allegedly embracing.


The other main issue that I have is that they get everything so very wrong. Granted, much of my knowledge of these issues comes from my friend who's wife enjoys the show he brought one issue to light that we both took umbrage with: NO SANE COMIC BOOK FAN WOULD EVER ASSUME THAT JASON TODD WOULD BE THE NEW BATMAN. I really just don't know how you could get this so wrong; unless of course you had no prior knowledge of the situation. While I would not demand that anyone slavishly go through the extended Bat Family bible, I would expect someone to take five minutes to do a google search and maybe read a fan poll.

Look awkwardly at the ground if you haven't killed someone...really? Jesus that's messed up

2- Stop telling me about how much you love AMC's The Walking Dead

Yes, the performances are solid and the production values are good. My issues with the show are as follows: The pace is maddening; if you're a new character not played by Norman Reedus, I hate you; they tried to explain where the zombies came from; I preferred a lot of the characters from the book, and the ones on the television seem to make even more questionable decisions.






Mainly though, my issue is that The Walking Dead is a slow burn as a comic book. In the course of its decade long run, certain character arcs and plot lines recycle. Chief amongst these are 1) Hey we're safe here...oh wait we're really not. 2) Maybe we can trust these people..oh wait we really can't. 3) Don't ever fuck with Rick...ever. But the ting about the comic book is that it comes in a shorter dose time wise, as in you can read an entire arc in about the same time as you'd watch an episode. There are also far crazier plot twists, and I shudder to think how The Governor will be "Nerfed" due to standards and practices as his repugnance is integral to his character. At the heart of the issue though is that part of what makes the comic book compelling is watching these characters lose their humanity while also dealing with extremely graphic plot twists (face shootings and bun bun murdering). Frankly, I don't think TV audiences are interested in that, or May-December relationships. Also, I want Shane to just die already.



My work computer is not made for moving around pictures it seems

3 - It's a business... Why is that so hard to fathom?


Nothing irks me more than when people complain about their favorite pirated comic book title. At the same time, I am also bothered when people complain to no end about X book that they buy religiously being crap. Here's the thing: If you want to keep reading say...Captain Britain and MI 13 (still bitter), pony up the three dollars. If you hate everything Bendis, stop buying everything Bendis (unless the message boards have moved on to someone new...it's been a while..in which case don't buy that.) While the Watchmen prequels seem like a terrible idea, it's a smart business move for a summer non-event. The casual fan will see the trademark cover layout and go "ooohhh", and the cynical fanboy is at heart a habitual completionist who literally cannot stop buying comic books. Personally, I'm disinterested in Before Watchmen, but at the same time, it beats a summer event that ties into the New 52 books that I'm reading. It has fantastic creative teams though, so that counts for something. While Watchmen is the sacredest of cape and tight cows, it's not the end of the world. Sure, poeple can lament that they would prefer something new with these teams or possibly an experiment like Watchmen done with different discarded characters. At the same time though, the industry is in decline sales wise and the teeth gnashing and vitriol of fanboys also speak to an inherrent fascination with the product. It leads to trending on social networks and search engines which leads to hightened visibility of the product. The point that I am again belabordly making is this: if you ond't like something, ignore it. If you enjoy something, pay for it. Yes, I just wrote a whiny diabtribe about not going on whiny diatribes, but it's the internet, so I'm right.

4- Enough with the teasers for trailers

Yes, I watched the 10 second Avengers trailer teaser. Just like last year's Captain America trailer, it is the main reason that I'm watching the Super Bowl, as the Ravens are not playing in it (in which case I would be ungodly drunk on Patron by half time). Yes, I encouraged it by clicking, but there is something to be said for surprises.

5 - Having horrible things happen to your characters is not the only way to write a compelling comic book for adults.

Right off the bat, I am a fan of Mark Millar and Garth Ennis. I named one of the characters in my still in progress book The Skull Base Doom Cock for chrissake. I would honestly say that Preacher is my favorite comic book of all time. I also enjoyed The Ultimates and the first Kick Ass (and movie) and the list goes on for quite a while. At the same time though, half of Kick Ass 2 seems like character development through guignol. We've got to see children shot, and gang rapes, and the rest to get across the point. It's not that these things don't have a place in the medium. It is not a call for censorship. It's that can we get some sort of greater meaning frmo it? I understand that The Mother Fucker is evil, and it doesn't really get more evil than gang rape and shooting children. It's just that in a lot of cases it really seems that shock value is taking the place of compelling dialogue or characters. In the case of the Mother Fucker, his father was killed. In the first series, the Mother fucker nee Red Mist was a sycophantic nebbish, to a degree, that was seeking his father's approval. Dastardly, sure. Evil, fucking right. Gang raping child murderer, not so much. It's really that nothing in his initial character arc indicated this turn to, specifically, a child murdering gang rapist. I mean I would be fine with it if the character was occasionally, "This thrust duiring this gang rape is for you dad" or "I shoot these children for the glory of the (Italian Name)". Frankly, if I want to engage in fetishistic sexual violence and general non normative abohrance, I have the internet (and how!).


The same is doubly true of The Boys, due to the length of the series. At first, it was a novel concept: you take analogues for the majority of the "big 2's" and show them as unrepentant deviants. You take your team of chemically empowered regulators and violence ensues. THe only issue I had with it was after 50 something issues it was still the same thing. While the characters themselves that make up the titular group were interesting, it really just seemed that too much of the book was taken up by people getting pissed on. Which is fine, but it just gets old after a while. Pretty much, my issue is that, personally, I pick up the books for character development and snappy writing, which both authors have shown in spades throughout their decades long careers. If I want to see a Mary Marvel analogue get pissed on by the rest of the JSA, I will type that into google and then click on images. That's it. It's a chicken and the egg. For the record though, I thought that Young Liars did the whole constant jaw dropping deviance right, and the first Crossed was at least novel in showing the gimmick. Call me old fashioned, but demonically possessed pregnant 10 year olds get tiresome after a while. Unless they move the story forward.

Time killing: comic reviews for 3/18/09. With my frequently accurate predictions.

I know nobody reads this, but I find it enjoyable. Frankly, I don't blame you. Much like the cigarette the comic book in and of itself is an addiction of sorts. Not, the casual reading of a trade papaerback, or giving a comic book a chance. No, I speak of something far more sinister: the almost slavish and compulsie act of new comic book day. That's all I got.

Dark Avengers#3 - It's refreshing to know that there is someone out there that shares my almost fanatical love of "Five Guys Burgers and Fries". That said, I have never gotten an onion ring or shake there. May be regional. I just don't know. Anyway, the book itself is a fun quick read. Good interactions between Osbourn and Sentry, and Sentry's wife, and her fear coma. I don't know, it's fun. A lot more fun the former Mighty Avengers, but not as enjoyable mean spirited as Ellis' Thunderbolts. Solid title. Oh, and the $4 comics may bring upon the comics crash of 2011-2012. (Call it a hunch.)

Ultimatum #3 - It's an improvment, I guess. The pace is moving briskly. I'll give it that. Jeph Loeb books always have pretty neat fight scenes? My main problem with the whole Ultimatum thing is that 1) Wildstorm did the exact same, totally destroy our universe beyond reasonable expectations, thing, more or less, a year ago. If anything, it got me to drop the Wildstorm books I was reading. And the Image "what-have-you-verse" may have just done the same thing. Maybe. I read Invincible in trade so...I flipped through and things seem to have gotten a bit out of hand.2) All the rampant killing may be short sighted, but it's comis. Granted Ultimate Longshot may have run out of juice, or could have been the biggest thing since chromium. We'll never know, but we've eaten plenty of more ridiculous retcons so it's not a big deal. 3) On the whole sale slaughter of characters: it gets old faster than anyone ever thinks. After issue 1 I was surprised by the amount of carnage. By 2 I was at least surprised by the cannibalism. Now, it's pretty much whatever. I do like the whole "nobody's safe" element though. Although, all but 1-2, have been pretty safe choices. (As the vast majority has really been house cleaning.) Eh, it's the best issue yet? Maybe? You shouldn't be able to read a $4 book this quickly, but the art's pretty sort of debate.

Deadpool: Games of Death - It's things like this that made the character less visible in previous years. I think that's the most diplomatic way of putting it. Van Damme and Walker Texas Ranger jokes...says it all...and there's actually a rapper named 8ball...been around for years...like 15-20...had some hits...you know 8ball and MJG? No? You think someone would check that out. Moving on.

Wolverine #71 - Thoroughly enjoyable. It's Millar and McNiven. It's entertaining as ever, and the delays are far more reasonable then Ultimates. I would consider that to be a positive. And it sells well too. Except that one with the moloids. Moloids have a very low Q rating. Scary thing is that it probably reads even better in a trade. Eh, I'm helping the economy.

Uncany X-Men #507 - Also, thoroughly enjoyable. I know the internet is rather torn on the book, but I think it's tits. Solid pace and quality artwork. And it's got a good sense of humor. And with probably one of the least shocking shocking reveals of all time. But at least it's organic with the book. As opposed to...

X-Force #13 - Man, that last page. I keep giving you chances and you keep burning me. Now, I'm not talking about who takes said, semi-permanent, vacation in hell (comics). Wait. I am. Firstly, the character that leads to it all is acting more than slightly out of character. Second, we did this whole long beloved fixture in the storied X-Books (I'm half sarcastic here...) makes subsequent dick moves that they think is justified for the greater good, but makes them a pariah thing like once or twice a year. Oh, and it always comes back to bite them in the ass independently of the whole alienation thing. Aside from that the dialogue is fairly snappy, the art has the Megadeath concept album about the X-Men sensibility that the consumer has fallen in love with. It's not the crafting of issues on a quality of art/dialogue/action basis that I have issue with, but the overall plot points really. And some of the characterization. Oh, and why do they keep killing off characters after someone comes in and makes them viable again...or for the first time...depending on our opinion of the character in question.

X-Men Legacy #222 - For the serious fanboys really. As one, I enjoy it. It sells reasonably well given the inaccesability to the casual comic fan. That's about it. Solid 7-8 range on a monthly basis.

X-Factor #41 - The book is back to the caliber it was before whichever crossover messed up it's flow. Honestly I have a hard time remembering. I think it was Messiah CompleX. I think that's right. Anyway, it has been on poin for the past few issues. So, go with your money.

Punisher #3 - Dark Reign gave the character some new juice. As much as I enjoy Fraction: War Journal had lost some of it's steam towards the end. Entertaining read. Granted, the overarching interconnectedness of comics in general makes me wonder if anything will stick to the greater Reign business, but...I've got to ween myself off of all of this obsessive fanboy shit...look it's a fun read...I really say that a lot, but it's super hero comics. If you're not enjoying it, then, you shouldn't be reading it. If only I could take my own advice...

Ultimate X-Men #100 - Big week for the letter X. The book has been a lot more readable since Aaron Coleite took over, but there was never a chance that it would get back to the original runs on the book. Part of that is that the property just started getting a bit silly a few years ago. And, much like the 616 books it got bogged down by ancillary characters. The issue as it stands is an enjoyable one, comparatively, if you can look past an entertaining, and frankly rick-diculous, retcon that pushes much of it. Ultimate Lorelei may have the shortest career of any character in comics...ever.

Amazing Spider-Man #588- Jury's out. On the merits of the issue iteslf: JRJR is consistent as...you get JRJR on a book and you know how it will look. The guy is as consistent as your Mark Balgey and almost as prolific in regard to output. The writing is...Spider-Man is an irritating character 50% of te time. Nature of the beast. You get a character that's supposed to be funny, and well like anything comedy you gel with it or you don't. I didn't. No Stacey/Osborn babies, though, or face eating. That's a plus.

Predictions for the rest of the year: Hank McCoy ends up running the X-ship once the current regieme is found to be unfit. As in, you can't have the two characters in the book teetering around shoe dropping territory on a monthly basis without...shoes dropping. X-Force is slowly being revealed, and we've got a Dark Reign crossover coming later in the year so. Logic dictates that something will give eventually.

That whole, Osborn kills someone publicly thing: Ms. Marvel I. Or one of the Avengerbolts does the deed, publicly.

Messaih War will...Stryfe...really? Look you bring back the Magus and I'm fine. You bring back Douglock...again...probably in New Mutants. Ink shows up as Vibe '08. Whatever Cuz. But Stryfe? He's the representation of everything that went wrong in the '90's. I mean he's a clone for god's sake. Clones are what got us all in this mess in the first place. Cable sells pretty well so I don't expect him to die. Unless Hope gets sent farther into the future and coes back as some bad ass lady Cable type. Actually, that's not a terrible idea. I don't know, as long as they don't kill Warpath. They'll probably kill Warpath. Or maybe Elixir. Not Vanisher though. Kind of curious to see how they tie in Deadpool.

Blackest Night will probably not suck. Sinestro's Daughter is secretly Kyle Rayner's girlfriend...I forget her name. Triumphant moment ends up with Sinestro and Jordan back to back against ring zombies. Superboy Prime kills Connor, again, for all the right reasons this time. This whole redeem Prime thing is hopefully just a red herring. Henshaw finally dies...to come back as a black lantern...maybe. And it's really Earh-2 Batman all along. Oh, and Bart is probably back. And Jade. And I'd wager there will be a fair amount of Black Adam. He kills a lot of people.

Ultimate Spidey lives. I mean there's the whole nobody is safe thing, and then there's a terrible idea. If you ask me that's a terrible idea.

The Sentry will remain in a fight from the begining of it until the end of it. Maybe.

Oh, and Dick Grayson is Batman. Has been since Secret Six #2. Or maybe they made Tim Drake taller somehow. Barbra Gordon, fairly obviously, walks again this year. (Always wonder how they justify paralysis in a world with interstellar travel. Granted, it was a way to revolutionize the character in means of visibility and Killing Joke does deserve the hype it's always gotten. But, they've got living robots and spaceships and you've got someone in a wheelchair from a gunshot, and nobody should worry this much about these things. But thousands do. Oh well.) And Damian is Robin 4. And Tim Drake is Red Robin...probably.

And that's about it.