It's the Rick Grimes I've known and love/feared for years - In Defense of Season 3 of Walking Dead mit non-spoil spoiler (for pageviews)

Now that the rancorous presidential election has finally drawn to a close, normalcy has returned, by and large, to social media.  This return to relative normalcy means two things: cat videos and people spoiling/bitching/espousing/making wild claims/etc. about the Walking Dead.  As a stalwart of the comic book and begrudging viewer of the show, I have to say that I actually enjoy the new direction of the show.  Here's why...obviously.

I think we're going to need a new group shot as well most of you are dead now.

1) They say the show was all about character development; most of them were developing into d-bags.

It's true.  Every week I watch Andrea, on the tv show, and I think good god what is your fucking problem lady?  Do you ever say anything that isn't patently retarded?  Wait, now you're siding with Shane?  Just die.  And even now in Season 3 she is still dumb as shit and developing on that trajectory of being a fucking moron.  So, what's the problem?  And hey, you know what?  Now that Merle is back he's more than just a syphilitic white supremacist; he's a syphilitic white supremacist that loves his brother and is part of the group.  Glenn is still very much Glenn, and Darryl continues to develop as the only likable character created for the show; hell, even T-Dog was useful/resonant before he died which is a big step really.  So there you go, the characters are still developing; it's just that things have actually been happening at a speedy click this season, with less wistful staring/hugging and shit.

2) The dialogue is cringe worthy.

Um...it always was.  Seriously, half of the time the show had people trying to spout exposition or make declarations of their feelings.  It's always been that way, and it's always been awkward.  Just think back to the CDC arc, or don't...it's terrible.  I'm really just glad that everyone who died um died.  So that's really it; the show hasn't gotten worse on that front really; you're just aware of it as it's not the show you had been watching, and change is scary.

3) Rick is a huge douchebag now.

That's how I like my Rick Grimes: crazy and willing to do whatever is necessary to help the group.  Sure, his interactions with Lori right before she ate it were a bit terse, but it happens some times in relationships.  Also, she did kinda convince him that murdering people was a-ok and that may have caused some strife.  I mean I've gotten short with women about movie concessions and vice versa.  My petty squabbles aside, that's the Rick Grimes I've love/feared in the comics for years.  He's at heart a good man that does what's necessary, but he's most of all a man.  He's going to react to his wife dying, stupidly, like anyone else-blind rage.  He's going to defend his people with machetes.  He's going to do way more questionable shit than that depending on how long the show runs.  I'd say just sit back and enjoy it; murder crazy Rick is the best and still fairly reasonable.  Just don't test him.  Ever.  He'll fucking kill you and not be all that bothered by it.

4) They just keep killing off characters left and right.

Refer back to 2.  It's the Walking Dead.  It happens in the books and on the show as that's the main thing that would happen in an actual zombpacalypse: people dropping like flies.  And hey, you know what they made me care about T-Dog, a character that I and the internet typically mocked (Rick: Okay, I'm going to need Glenn and Darryl on this one; T-Dog...I don't know go wait with the women or try and find Carl or something.)  But yeah I mean it's going to happen, and they already have a new more bad ass black guy.  I'm also sure there will be a new momish squeezy bun for Darryl.  Hey, maybe he could get with that girl who they keep trying to imply digs Carl but is 27 which makes me feel weird.  Or not.  Anyway, it's the show's m.o to keep the death toll high.

5) The reveals are stupid.

No they're not.  The arena is a pretty integral part of illustrating the ideological differences between survivors.  Pretty much, for television you've got to make it a slightly slower burn with illustrating that yes, the Governor is bat shit crazy.  Granted, we have already seen him straight up murder a group of survivors, but that happens on this show.  We have not seen someone corral his zombie daughter.  I am glad though that on the tv show he does not kiss said zombie daughter on the mouth, like on the comic.  He also doesn't have a bunch of zombie heads in aquariums that he watches in lieu of television.  And frankly, I don't really know if television audiences would be okay with his prolonged and systematic raping of Micchone, like in the comic books (it came out over 5 years ago and I feel spoiler free.)  So yeah, the reveals have less punch, but they're less ham fisted ways of illustrating the core differences between groups of survivors.

And now there be spoilers:

Stop reading

Seriously

Anyway, here we go... It's Lori on the phone.  Rick has gone nanners and talks to his dead wife on the phone for, frankly, way longer than he should. 

So Where are we Going NOW!... Wait did you get that? I don't know...may have been a little subtle... the other idea was Marvel MEOW!

So, as I did to mild fanfare back in the days of Myspace, in my salad days, I'm pretty much going to spoil semi obvious things or make wild speculations about unrevealed things about comic books that have yet to come out.  Now, you may be wondering where my skills of ratiocination come from, mainly Phoenix Wright games and tv mysteries of the 80's.  So without further ado, to spoil the unspoiled, which is difficult in our day and time.  So we'll start with the only one that nobody is going to call.

Avengers

So, who's that guy in the back you may ask?  Well, there's really just one logical choice for it.  First, look at the hair.  It's dreadlocks or something of that nature.  You know what, I don't feel like drawing this out with a bunch of cute little questions and shit of that ilk.  Really no sense in drawing it out.  They're coming our of a portal; he's got dreads; they're trying to add new blood to the line up (i/e Cannonball and Sunspot) and it's obviously Eden Fesi from Secret Warriors, which was written by Avengers author Johnathon Hickman, and also a pretty good read if you haven't picked it up.  IT can get a little dense with all of the insane plot twists, I mean as dense as a cape and tight espionage book gets, but it's a fun read with solid art and characterization that really plays with the universe well and has some pretty neat moments.  So yeah.  There's that.  

All New X-Men

So far it's looking like it's just some new characters in the background.  Probably with some tangential connection with the franchise.  As the girl with the obvious phoenix attire (yes, I'm speculating on a sash on a funny book cover, my former professors and employers are rolling in their respective chairs) is not Rachel Grey,  well who is it?

You've really only got two options then: Hope and also teenage Jean Grey.  First one makes some sense as with the whole summer event book and the phoenix thing, and the sash.  It's a logical-ish call as this is a place for kinda logic.  Teenage Jean Grey though is the more interesting choice as well the leads of the two x-men books are both fascinated with dead gingers, but our nation still mentions Lindsay Lohan, so it's understandable (I'm a time traveler from six months in the future). The other reason that it works, honestly, is based around the potential storyline aspects of it, and by that I mean teenage Jean Grey after learning about her many myriad deaths and being dressed as a dominatrix and marrying a herb who mind bangs a woman behind her back is like nertz to um living through this and jumps ship to probably Uncanny as it's more interesting what with the whole broken up Scott and Emma, so there you have it.  Also, there's really no correlation of thing sin the present of comics on some things (I'm talking about Damion Hellstrom who is a hero and a villain and dead all in the same month).  So the space time doesn't really matter and having them float around in the present indefinitely is kinda neat conceptually.

Update - I'm totally fucking wrong.  It's some girl with a sash and time powers.  Doesn't even have red hair in the thing.  

X-Men Legacy

I'm more excited than I thought I'd be for this one.  I've always liked Legion as much as you can as he only showed up every so often back in the day and would go coma, trying to kill Wolfsbane, unwriting history etc. every so often.  Anyway, the whole multiple personalities, powers, psych prison thing is kinda cool.  And for the new series it should also be cool as, obviously, the gimmick is now changed to be the well received, but cancelled Moon Knight reboot of a couple years ago. In that book, Marc Spector vacillated between the personalities of Wolverine, Spider-Man, and I want to say Cap instead of the given personalities he had established which is a novel twist on it and more compelling to the less well versed fan, as we weren't all in middle school freaking out over Stephen Platt's art on it and glancing at it.  Anyway, 

So, I mean this is pretty obviously going to be dude controlling the many farcical characters in his head by jumping from the personalities of Wolverine, Magneto, Cable, and Beast.  I mean it's kinda right there.  Or not.  I'm just trying to kill time until 5 at this point.


Superior Spider-Man

So the slip on that one is that it's Miguel O'Hara from Spider-Man 2099, which is actually the most palatable option really.    Unless it's 616 Miles Morales, who if you read Spider-Men (which was actually pretty good) does exist.  Although that might be a bit too much.

And on that note I'm done for right now.  Here are a couple of quick ones though.

Iron Man

A lot of people really don't care for Greg Land and are quite vocal about it.  Just saying.  Read issue #1 going to give it an arc before passing judgement.

Deadpool

It's Deadpool all right.  Now the question is to see if it stays fresh or gets grating.  So far though it's got Brian Posehn and Tony Moore, and that's awesome.  Even though the last series lost it's way after a while, Deadpool is either nifty or grating; it's one or the other; there is no middle ground.  So far we're at nifty.

Uncanny X-Force

It's a tall order to fill.  I'll give it a shot, but I don't know if it's going to live up to the last series.  Also, the only real question is if Cluster is a girl clone, as Fantomex does do the cloning, or EVA in a suit.

So there you go.  Comic Book fever.  Catch it.  I guess. It's better than Magic: The Herpening.  Yes, I just made that up.  But seriously, they make you buy new cards every year.  Glad that I've spent this many 0 dollars on it since the late 90's.  I'm a freeloader and will just borrow your deck.  I digress.  #NERDSHIT.

   

I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.

On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen.  And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it.  Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra.  Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.

So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole.  I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with.  Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness.  Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk.  Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film.  While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked.  While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it.  Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it.  Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2.  Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled.  THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous). 


*Spoilers*




About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand.  THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan".  Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating.  So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie.  While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.

#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order.  I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic.  My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward?  I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been  great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit.  You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin.  While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work.  You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin.  Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil.  Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE

While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty.  It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember.  He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems.  More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole.  Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly.  And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works.  If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.

#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.

We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good.  This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain.  Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were  actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe.  I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked.  Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.

#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?

Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present.  Done.  You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not.  B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing.  Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's.  Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing.  Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker.  You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever.  And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.

Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one.  You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains.  The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns.  I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing.  One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone.  He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.

Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo.  While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already.  You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar.  Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it.  I also enjoyed the always angry thing.  Also, the Hulk can fucking talk.  He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced.  There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit.  Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward.  Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie.  I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.

Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something?  I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage.  They'll probably be used fro universe building.  Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe?  I don't know.  Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman?  Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe. 

#4 - So who else are they going to do?
 First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie.  This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision.  As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually?  Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes.  I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America.  As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though.  I've also heard rumblings of  a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon?   Rambling aside, I think we're done here.

So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions.  The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently.   Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note. 

And Then There Were 3 - Death and the Modern American Funnybook

And we're back after a year and a half hiatus. A few things have happened since last we spoke. Lost went off the air in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Everything changed in DC and Marvel comics. I went to SDCC last year and got to play Marcap 3 and meet some industry types and do some general starfucking. I got a new job which I'm at right this very moment. The comma and period keys broke on my computer, and I have to copy paste in periods. From now on there will be sparse usage of the comma. Bu that's not why you've trundled here via a poorly executed Google search. No no. You've careered into fanboy loathing. We must destroy what we love...I don't think I can actually sound more creepily predatory while talking about comics so...let's have at it then.

It's a well known fact that the concept of death in the comic book is as abused a trope as the coma/ coma fantasy in the soap opera or the tweener (neutral good character not a 12 year old) in professional wrestling. From Jean Grey to Donna Troy we have witnessed characters being expunged and resurrected with a startling rapidity. After a typically heroic death (sacrificing oneself to save the planet yadda yadda) or succumbing to some shockingly pedestrian real world hot button malady (Fight with Magneto?...nope slow battle with cliche AIDS metaphor), we move on to the lugubrious farewell issue only to see the character come back in some such ridiculous fashion.

Yep me and the Chinese government got over on you in a very roundabout fashion

Now that the uninitiated have been familiarized with the basic schemes and tropes, we can move on to the current slow news cycle event going on in Fantastic Four.

So who's going to die?


Invisible Woman -

This was easily the classiest rendering I could find.

Nope. Doesn't really fit into the story that well. And this isn't Lost, so you don't have to kill a woman to bump up the emotional impact for the audience. Most of us grew up with the characters, and they're as large a part of Americana as any other super team, so you don't really have to go with the shock kill. Also, that's a massive downer. Here's how every issue would break down:

Panel 1 - Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Human Torch, a rocked up Sharon Ventura (80's lady Thing), Valeria, and Franklin are in the Fantasticar at the edge of a swirling mass of negative zone particles. They are watching the act of creation as this protoplasmic broth is birthing a new reality. A baby universe is unfolding in front of them; they are looking at something never gazed upon by human eyes.

Reed - Isn't this amazing Franklin? We literally have box seats at an event only thought to be viewed by the Gods of old? We are here at the bleeding edge of reality soaking in events of universal significance. Even an errant fart could cause a cataclysmic ripple through this baby universe. Yes, one misplaced fart could be more devastating then 1,000 Hitlers.

Franklin - That's neat. I really wish my mom wasn't dead.

Human Torch -

I originally thought it was a Fire Island Goku costume.

Probably not. Granted, the argument has been made that he hasn't died before in the book. The fact that this is a viable argument really speaks more to my earlier statements about the meaningless of death in the medium. Also, he'd be the easiest to replace. Grab Firestorm or the other Human Torch if he's still around. Simply put, nobody would care as much. The character hasn't really seen a heightened level of prominence (Fonzie status) since the 60's really.


Mr. Fantastic -

It controls the universe and keeps the pimphand strong.

Very likely. Firstly, most of Hickman's arc has been pretty Reed centric. There was the arc about the league of Reed Richardses. He's featured prominently in other titles as part of the deus ex machina brain trust with Tony Stark and Hank "White Chris Brown" Pym. The death of the character would actually have an impact on the rest of the fictional landscape. And given that there was a story arc with a bunch of other hims; it'd be incredibly easy to bring the character back. Here's how it would go

Panel - Doctor Doom is now knocked unconscious in front of Thing, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and let's say Deadpool (he's everywhere you want to be). The shadowy figure behind him is revealed to be none other than Reed Richards.

Thing - Oh my God. We thought you'd died. We were so broken up over things and...things happened. Pretty much you, me, and Suzie needs to talk because once you go orange rock penis you never go back. Look, nothing rhymes with orange stretch-o. But, how'd you get here elastic slacks?

Mr. Fantastic - Another Reed Richards put me in a giant hamster ball made out of I don't know unobtainum or some such bullshit. Also, I knew about you and my whore wife because I made a magic divorce pact with Satan to become more relatable to our socially undesirable readers. I'm totally banging Dazzler now... tesseract.

The Thing -

Finally, a Big Ben that won't get accused of rape.

Regrettably, that's probably a bingo. Actually, it's just bingo. Now granted from a story based perspective Reed Richards makes the most sense. The book has become more Reed-centric than usual of late, but here's the thing: comics are about giving you a puppy and then murdering it in front of you and then bringing the puppy back right before your eyes. They're like apocryphal child Jesus in that respect. And let's face it, The Thing is most people's favorite member of the FF, and he's the one that is mentioned most frequently in other mediums given his beloved catchphrase. (Although I personally prefer, "It's the smashing hour.") Now aside from that, the other reason that you kill off Ben Grimm is that he's featured in New Avengers. That way you can get the tribute issue in FF, and you can get the tribute in New Avengers. The other reason, as first pointed out by the incomparable Rich Johnston, is that he's the only character featured in artwork for upcoming Marvel books and there are two Thing related collections coming out in March. So that's really it. The Thing is probably going to die because who'd care about anyone else dying who isn't already going to put up their comic dollar to read FF? Although it saddens me to see the world down another Jewish super hero. Now all we've got is Kitty Pryde and Sabra in the Marvel U, and Sabra don't roll on Shabbos.

And in closing: Flash Thompson is obviously the new Venom

Black Lanterns Revealed...The No-Brainers.

First let's go with whom we know will be there: Earth 2 Superman, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter and I think Connor Kent (don't know if he's official yet, but come on.)

And now onto the other incredibly likely ones.

Ted Kord - It's going to happen. If there's a "Booster Gold" tie-in it's going to have, at the very least, a zombified Ted Kord in it. It makes so much sense that it hurts...in the pants. i mean you get the automatic reaction from the character of Booster Gold, and I mean come on. The guy's been dead for a couple of years and has shown up in a number of issues of the book.

Terra (#1) - Yet again it's a huge gimmie. There is a Titans mini and you're going to need more then just Connor to make it happen if there's going to be an entire mini based on the characters. I really have little more to add on it.

A Batman - As we know, Bruce Wayne kind of died this year. And there's bound to be a Batman mini going on. Although it's kind of for the best that Bruce is dead so as we don't have to deal with zombie Thomas and Martha Wayne. They'd totally do that. I mean I would. The reason that I say A Batman is that there's going to be an Earth-2 Superman involved, I think he was burried on Earth, but Earth-2 Batman is wicked dead as well...and it'd be a cute twist.

Pa Kent - It'd be a pretty big dick move, and Johns killed him. Johns is the man running Blackest. And you don't need super powers to break someone's heart.

A Flash - Barry Allen was supposed to lead them originally. Four speedsters is just too many. Bart's back...so he's out. Barry's back...and it might be too soon to kill him. Wally is fair game, but unlikely. And Jay Garrick...really? But, at the same time there are an entire littany of dead speedsters out there so we'll see.

The New Gods - Why not? They're dead. They managed to move a pretty sub par miniseries before "Final Crisis" on name recognition alone. And they'd give the big guns some formidible enemies to hit...if they can get them out of the source wall some how. Although two Super-men may be a fairly tall order to handle independently of the New Gods. It's a thought though.

Ralph and Sue - I'd hope not actually, but it would certainly get a fan reaction. I am in the camp that they'd let them stay dead. Bwa-ha-BRAINS indeed. In all honesty they seem like almost sacred cow characters and people may react negatively to see the two all zombied up.

Max Lord, Jade, Vibe, Gypsy, Osiris, Hawk and Dove, The Girl From The Fridge, Infinity Inc. (3?), Vigilante and a myriad list of characters to long to list- Jade's a pretty obvious one. Max Lord is a probable. Vibe is a definite in my book. Gypsy is a why not. Osiris...sure. I'd imagine there's going to be a fair amount of Black Adam throughout. Hawk and Dove...falls into the sure category. Fridge Girl from Green Lantern would be an interesting...she's dead, she fits into a fridge easily...it's going to happen. The rest...probably not the recent Infinity Inc. from 52 because they just don't have that much juice to be honest with you, but you never know. Look, there's a lot out there. I'm pretty positive about the ones I've listed up top so we'll see. Hopefully it's as good as Sinestro Corps. That is all

Here we are again: Thoughts on Lost "Dead is Dead"

So, here we are again. All in all I would say that the episode was a success...except for one little thing. That little thing was, yes, the special effect with Ben and the whole "Lion King" flashback inside the smoke. It was, dare I say it, a Heroes level special effect, but it served it's purpose and I can look past it. And a lot of other business went down. Firstly Ceasar bit it. I guess he wasn't working for Widmore, but what's her name obviously is, the had a freaking code...la le lu li lo. And I think we're about to, at some point, see one of them finally get shot by Juliet...eventually. And the smoke monster showed up as Alex this time. Who is a dead person on the island. And it was trying to protect the island and...Christian Shepard is the smoke monster I can't harp on this enough. And, hey, Ben did the right thing for once by not offing Penny, and getting his ass beat by Desmond. Who I guess isn't going back to the island. Can't win them all. We got to see Ben steal Alex. Which was actually kind of easy really. And we got to see that Charles Widmore looked like with hair. And that he very well may be the bad guy. Although the fact that it took them so long to realize this seems a little suspect. What also seems suspect: Ben's total lack of knowledge that James Le Fluer was Sawyer. It's probably some sltered reality time travel shit that they do in comics, but...I don't want to explain this as it is both time consuming and any conclusion I come to will be unsatisfying. And I'm also more curious to see how the writers explain it...it will be more elegant then the explination I would give...hopefully. So what have we learned this week? Precious little really. Ben didn't kill Penny, which was a fifty fifty proposition anyway. It did show that Ben has a soft spot for the kinder, which would be obvious given his own less then pleasant childhood. Ben feels guilty over Alex's death...which he sould. That maybe he didn't plan for Locke's ressurection. But he kind of said he did in 316 so... He's a hard character to read what with the lying and the quality of acting. Oh, slight side note: the hair only adds so much to making Ben look younger. And Ethan looked kind of rough for being 27. He was born in 77 and died in 2004. It's small, but I'm just saying. As for next week. Looks to be a lot of Miles working with Marvin Candle (I forget his actual name and...you know who I'm talking aobut) Could we finally see that Miles is Marvin Candle's son? I'm going to say yes. And, maybe, just maybe, we'll see Farraday again...someday. He may be one of the dead people Miles talks with. I just don't know. And the future: Well, apparently the theme for this season finale is the fork in the outlet as last year was the frozen donkey wheel. So, I guess the time travel is going to come from the 70's and someone is probably going to short out the time travel pod in the Orchid. (You know people were freaked out by the polar bear at one point. How quaint.) Although Locke may set some wheels in motion in the present as well. I assume that he's going to have to do something with that wheel. Or at this point I don't even know really. It just poils down to that. They could discover just about anything on the island that would meet the purpose of time travel thus and such. So, yep that's about it. Good episode all told. They seem to be hitting the late season stride that happens just about every year. On a Matthew Fox side note: I saw Speed Racer the other day on Cinemax. I, honestly, don't understand why it was universally panned for one major reason: It's a movie based on the Speed Racer TV show. Have you ever watched a full episode of Speed Racer? It isn't exactly King Lear. It's actually kind of silly and nonsensical. And the movie was intentionally silly in the same vein so I thought it worked. That's about it really. And granted, they could have gone after the traditional Speed Racer viewers of old, but unless the movie came with free weed I think a lot of the older fans of the original show would wonder why they watched it in the first place. That is all.

Fanboy loathing: The ten (maybe) most irksome things (and comic store horror stories)

#1) Look junkies: nobody wants to buy your fucking comic books. It's really that simple. If I have to look at one more piss scented copy of Midnight Sons #1 I'm going to choke somebody. Seriously, people, unless it's from 1975 or earlier or it's a big deal issue i.e. somebody dies, first appearance, is a 1:100 variant nobody is going to want it. Or go sell it on ebay. Put the buy it now price as heroin. (The store is in Baltimore and...it's Baltimore...Heron capitol of the east coast.) Also, to that same end...

#2) Just because you are calling a comic book store I, personally, do not know how much your comic book is worth. If I had a dollar for every person who called in to ask how much X book (sometimes it is an X-book) or books is worth , well, I'd probably be able to go to Morton's or buy a DSi. Go buy a copy of Overstreet. Or pay us money for appraisal. As in I will read Overstreet for you and you will pay me for the service. As well as give an accurate appraisal of the book's condition.

#3) Should have been number one to me...STOP PUTTING BARACK OBAMA ON COVERS. Mainly Wizard. Yes, people will buy anything with Obama on it. Yes, Obama is featured on two pages (he likes Spider-Man and owns a Wii). But goddamn is that a shallow ploy to increase sales on, frankly, a dying publication that is slowly being needled into obselessence. The man's the first black president...not chromium. Stop using the man like chromium. Look, if it's a comic, and it's not a blatant sales ploy (Like that Savage Dragon endorsement issue that eventually turned into a speculation juggernaut) that's fine. If the story isn't hastily thrown together shit that's fine too. If it's a calcualted sales ploy or hastily thrown together shit, well, stop. But you won't. And I'm hard pressed to think of a comic that would really benefit from an Obama crossover. Unless Obama, Rocket Racer and Night Thrasher are doling out skateboard justice. That's a freebie.

#4) How come the shit books are the ones that always come out on time, more or less? Ultimates 2: a full year in between issues. Supergirl: oh, it'll be there like fucking clockwork. Old Man Logan: slight delays. Young X-Men: I swear Mussilini was editing it because it always ran on time. Food for thought. Although plenty of shitty books take their sweet time with it too, and yes, it's all objective. And yes, one man's shitty is another man's less shitty.

#5) Do I need this many spin offs? Yes, some of them are actually pretty decent. And yes, I should have some restraint, but damn there are a lot of spin off minis these days. Remember the 90's.

#6) Stop putting Halo: Uprising #4 in the solicits. I have been doing the numbers for this issue sporadically for about a year now. It just shows up every week for a month or two and then goes back into the ether with the rest of the JMS run on Squadron Supreme (why must I suffer like this? I meant the JMS never coming out. I could really care less about the Halo) I will say though on it's behalf that they did the best they could with the "rich and original" Halo mythos. What? The games were about as generic sci-fi as they get. The fact that the book is even engaging is a triumph. Although, I think they may have missed their window...the game came out almost two years ago.

#7) Way to ruin zombies. It was cool at first. Zombie Hulk eats somebody turns back into Zombie Banner and a guy bursts out because of the size differential. Walking Dead is a solid read. Crossed is a novel approach, and they're not really zombies. But goddamn the glut of zombie books over the last couple of years is just ridiculous. Really the point I'm making is that I don't want zombies to meet the same fate as ninjas, or Chuck Norris. Just because the horse doesn't stay dead dosn't mean you should keep beating it.

#8) Stop making me describe things in Previews to you over the phone. No more need be written.

#9) You shouldn't drastically alter the status quo more then once every two years. Marvel is doing it right. Initiative ran its course and Dark Reign is going fine so far. It's actually kind of more entertaining across the board. Granted, more engaging books were created in it's wake: Dark Avengers > New Warriors. And seeing as most newly minted titles have a 5-10 month (not issue) window before the casual fan drops it (I see it happen literally every wednesday): it's a good idea to go for a bi-annual shake up seeing as the survivors may need to draw fickle fans back in.

#10) Yeah, um, how do I put this delicately...can I get some more words in my books? If I'm paying three to four bucks it should take me more then three to four minutes to read it. Sometimes a quick read is satisfying. If the book has great art or no word is wasted. Sometimes it works with the pacing. Most times it feels like you're actually reading a sixth of a story (because you are). That's all I'm saying. It's definitely not across the board, but damn. You know who you are. Peace.

Portraits in Douchebaggery: Reflections on Lost's "Whatever Happened, Happened"

Well, now we know what Jack came back to do. And that was not save kid Ben. Simply enough, that's really it. And it's pretty funny too to see that the two characters who were in the top three castaways for getting fucked over by Ben Linus were two of the three people that made him into the utterly entertaining douche bag that he is. Those two people being Sayid and Jack. Had Sayid never shot him he never would have needed to be saved. Had Jack saved him he would never have needed whatever psuedo mystical life saving soul sucking technique that the others use to stave off mortality. It's kind of funny really.

Also, I do have to admit that I am in fact loving Jack's fall from the messianic alpha male douche to the pill popping desperate douche that he has become this season.

Aside from that not a whole hell of a lot happened this week for my dollar. Hurley and Miles addressed the time continuity issues that we've all been asking since they went down this road to amusing results.

Kate showed just how bad she is at keeping secrets. And mothering. I mean it's kind of a mind fuck for a three year old for their mother to take off in the middle of the night and then some, I'm sure nice, Australian lady wakes up up telling you that she's your grandmother and that your mom will be back soon. It just seems that the right thing to do would be to simply tell Aaron what is going on...I mean he's going to know something's up.

Sayid is...somewhere. Doing something. He seems to be up shit creek really. Hope he doesn't get killed, but at this point....It's hard to shoot a child and be a sympathetic character on a TV show.

Charles and Ellie running the show for the others...Makes sense. I still wonder why Richard is always the number 2, but I'd like to think that the question will finally be answered next week, or not. Whatever.

Best moment on the show: definitely when Locke said welcome back to the land of the living at the end of the episode. Part of me wants to say that Ben was nt necessarily 100% certain that Locke would come back...given his facial expression. But given the 316 episode it did kind of seem like that Ben was well aware of the coming ressurection.

So, I think that really covers the main thrust of the episode. As for next week, Ben is going to be judged by...Christian Shepard (The Smoke Monster)...or maybe Jacob will actually show up but...at this point I think they may have built up the mysteriousness of Jacob a bit too much. I mean, if he's just some guy it's going to be a bit of a let down. Even if he's Alovar Hanso or one of the many mentioned, but never seen members of the Lost mythos it's going to be a letdown after all of this time. Even if it's a time displaced John Locke. Which is actually kind of likely. Granted I'm basing this only on my theory that A) It'd be pretty cool B) Who the fuck else could it be at this point? C) I got nothing else. There you go. Jacob is John Locke. Why not. I'm not putting a lot of faith in this, but you heard it here first...possibly.

Yep, that's about it really. Excited for next week's episode with the John Locke and the Ben Linus and Juliet shooting someone else on the other boat...maybe...probably. It'll be fun. Peace.

Time killing: comic reviews for 3/18/09. With my frequently accurate predictions.

I know nobody reads this, but I find it enjoyable. Frankly, I don't blame you. Much like the cigarette the comic book in and of itself is an addiction of sorts. Not, the casual reading of a trade papaerback, or giving a comic book a chance. No, I speak of something far more sinister: the almost slavish and compulsie act of new comic book day. That's all I got.

Dark Avengers#3 - It's refreshing to know that there is someone out there that shares my almost fanatical love of "Five Guys Burgers and Fries". That said, I have never gotten an onion ring or shake there. May be regional. I just don't know. Anyway, the book itself is a fun quick read. Good interactions between Osbourn and Sentry, and Sentry's wife, and her fear coma. I don't know, it's fun. A lot more fun the former Mighty Avengers, but not as enjoyable mean spirited as Ellis' Thunderbolts. Solid title. Oh, and the $4 comics may bring upon the comics crash of 2011-2012. (Call it a hunch.)

Ultimatum #3 - It's an improvment, I guess. The pace is moving briskly. I'll give it that. Jeph Loeb books always have pretty neat fight scenes? My main problem with the whole Ultimatum thing is that 1) Wildstorm did the exact same, totally destroy our universe beyond reasonable expectations, thing, more or less, a year ago. If anything, it got me to drop the Wildstorm books I was reading. And the Image "what-have-you-verse" may have just done the same thing. Maybe. I read Invincible in trade so...I flipped through and things seem to have gotten a bit out of hand.2) All the rampant killing may be short sighted, but it's comis. Granted Ultimate Longshot may have run out of juice, or could have been the biggest thing since chromium. We'll never know, but we've eaten plenty of more ridiculous retcons so it's not a big deal. 3) On the whole sale slaughter of characters: it gets old faster than anyone ever thinks. After issue 1 I was surprised by the amount of carnage. By 2 I was at least surprised by the cannibalism. Now, it's pretty much whatever. I do like the whole "nobody's safe" element though. Although, all but 1-2, have been pretty safe choices. (As the vast majority has really been house cleaning.) Eh, it's the best issue yet? Maybe? You shouldn't be able to read a $4 book this quickly, but the art's pretty sort of debate.

Deadpool: Games of Death - It's things like this that made the character less visible in previous years. I think that's the most diplomatic way of putting it. Van Damme and Walker Texas Ranger jokes...says it all...and there's actually a rapper named 8ball...been around for years...like 15-20...had some hits...you know 8ball and MJG? No? You think someone would check that out. Moving on.

Wolverine #71 - Thoroughly enjoyable. It's Millar and McNiven. It's entertaining as ever, and the delays are far more reasonable then Ultimates. I would consider that to be a positive. And it sells well too. Except that one with the moloids. Moloids have a very low Q rating. Scary thing is that it probably reads even better in a trade. Eh, I'm helping the economy.

Uncany X-Men #507 - Also, thoroughly enjoyable. I know the internet is rather torn on the book, but I think it's tits. Solid pace and quality artwork. And it's got a good sense of humor. And with probably one of the least shocking shocking reveals of all time. But at least it's organic with the book. As opposed to...

X-Force #13 - Man, that last page. I keep giving you chances and you keep burning me. Now, I'm not talking about who takes said, semi-permanent, vacation in hell (comics). Wait. I am. Firstly, the character that leads to it all is acting more than slightly out of character. Second, we did this whole long beloved fixture in the storied X-Books (I'm half sarcastic here...) makes subsequent dick moves that they think is justified for the greater good, but makes them a pariah thing like once or twice a year. Oh, and it always comes back to bite them in the ass independently of the whole alienation thing. Aside from that the dialogue is fairly snappy, the art has the Megadeath concept album about the X-Men sensibility that the consumer has fallen in love with. It's not the crafting of issues on a quality of art/dialogue/action basis that I have issue with, but the overall plot points really. And some of the characterization. Oh, and why do they keep killing off characters after someone comes in and makes them viable again...or for the first time...depending on our opinion of the character in question.

X-Men Legacy #222 - For the serious fanboys really. As one, I enjoy it. It sells reasonably well given the inaccesability to the casual comic fan. That's about it. Solid 7-8 range on a monthly basis.

X-Factor #41 - The book is back to the caliber it was before whichever crossover messed up it's flow. Honestly I have a hard time remembering. I think it was Messiah CompleX. I think that's right. Anyway, it has been on poin for the past few issues. So, go with your money.

Punisher #3 - Dark Reign gave the character some new juice. As much as I enjoy Fraction: War Journal had lost some of it's steam towards the end. Entertaining read. Granted, the overarching interconnectedness of comics in general makes me wonder if anything will stick to the greater Reign business, but...I've got to ween myself off of all of this obsessive fanboy shit...look it's a fun read...I really say that a lot, but it's super hero comics. If you're not enjoying it, then, you shouldn't be reading it. If only I could take my own advice...

Ultimate X-Men #100 - Big week for the letter X. The book has been a lot more readable since Aaron Coleite took over, but there was never a chance that it would get back to the original runs on the book. Part of that is that the property just started getting a bit silly a few years ago. And, much like the 616 books it got bogged down by ancillary characters. The issue as it stands is an enjoyable one, comparatively, if you can look past an entertaining, and frankly rick-diculous, retcon that pushes much of it. Ultimate Lorelei may have the shortest career of any character in comics...ever.

Amazing Spider-Man #588- Jury's out. On the merits of the issue iteslf: JRJR is consistent as...you get JRJR on a book and you know how it will look. The guy is as consistent as your Mark Balgey and almost as prolific in regard to output. The writing is...Spider-Man is an irritating character 50% of te time. Nature of the beast. You get a character that's supposed to be funny, and well like anything comedy you gel with it or you don't. I didn't. No Stacey/Osborn babies, though, or face eating. That's a plus.

Predictions for the rest of the year: Hank McCoy ends up running the X-ship once the current regieme is found to be unfit. As in, you can't have the two characters in the book teetering around shoe dropping territory on a monthly basis without...shoes dropping. X-Force is slowly being revealed, and we've got a Dark Reign crossover coming later in the year so. Logic dictates that something will give eventually.

That whole, Osborn kills someone publicly thing: Ms. Marvel I. Or one of the Avengerbolts does the deed, publicly.

Messaih War will...Stryfe...really? Look you bring back the Magus and I'm fine. You bring back Douglock...again...probably in New Mutants. Ink shows up as Vibe '08. Whatever Cuz. But Stryfe? He's the representation of everything that went wrong in the '90's. I mean he's a clone for god's sake. Clones are what got us all in this mess in the first place. Cable sells pretty well so I don't expect him to die. Unless Hope gets sent farther into the future and coes back as some bad ass lady Cable type. Actually, that's not a terrible idea. I don't know, as long as they don't kill Warpath. They'll probably kill Warpath. Or maybe Elixir. Not Vanisher though. Kind of curious to see how they tie in Deadpool.

Blackest Night will probably not suck. Sinestro's Daughter is secretly Kyle Rayner's girlfriend...I forget her name. Triumphant moment ends up with Sinestro and Jordan back to back against ring zombies. Superboy Prime kills Connor, again, for all the right reasons this time. This whole redeem Prime thing is hopefully just a red herring. Henshaw finally dies...to come back as a black lantern...maybe. And it's really Earh-2 Batman all along. Oh, and Bart is probably back. And Jade. And I'd wager there will be a fair amount of Black Adam. He kills a lot of people.

Ultimate Spidey lives. I mean there's the whole nobody is safe thing, and then there's a terrible idea. If you ask me that's a terrible idea.

The Sentry will remain in a fight from the begining of it until the end of it. Maybe.

Oh, and Dick Grayson is Batman. Has been since Secret Six #2. Or maybe they made Tim Drake taller somehow. Barbra Gordon, fairly obviously, walks again this year. (Always wonder how they justify paralysis in a world with interstellar travel. Granted, it was a way to revolutionize the character in means of visibility and Killing Joke does deserve the hype it's always gotten. But, they've got living robots and spaceships and you've got someone in a wheelchair from a gunshot, and nobody should worry this much about these things. But thousands do. Oh well.) And Damian is Robin 4. And Tim Drake is Red Robin...probably.

And that's about it.