So...That just Happened; a Spoiler-Free Review of Amazing Spider-Man #698 - Updated with Spoilers at the bottom

Now, I've read Spider-Man for a while.  I weathered the later parts of the JMS run, yes I am talking about Gwen Stacy/Norman Osbourne's kids.  Hell, one of my fondest comic shop memories was being a boy when the final issue of the Clone Saga and summarily shitting on it for a solid hour with older, cooler customers.  I enjoyed much of the post Brand New Day run.  I stopped reading at about Spider Island because I wanted to lighten my pull.  Anyway, I would say that the revelations made in ASM #698 rival those earlier ones.  Before I get into the vitriol though, I will say that as a writer, fake in my case, I understand where Slott is coming from.  Comic books thrive on new directions.  They're fictional characters, and the big reveal makes sense given events of the book, and the fact that it's a fucking funny books, so rules of what have you are arbitrary.  I mean the twist does make sense given the focus of the last year or two of the book, which I've skimmed.

Yup

However, as a fan of Spider-Man though; I absolutely hate every last fucking thing about it.  I loathe this new direction.  I'm hoping that this was an attempt to break the internet to push sales up for #700.  I do.  As yet again, it seems like another cheap fucking shock tactic that'll be sustainable for maybe 6-12 months of stories, until normalcy has returned.  Now, this may seem harsh as I'm getting mildly irate about the fate of fictional characters, but it's more than that.  I'm bothered that we all know how this is going to work out.  You troll the core fanbase; they get irked, as is happening here; this gains some legitimate "organic" "legitimate" media coverage; you get non fans into the stores; you get a six month bump; the "nerds", myself included come back to the book, and we repeat.  I mean it's really that well it sounds like an abusive relationship really.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  But it's just an irksome, inglorious way to take things.  Who knows, I may be wrong; it happens, constantly; this entire blog is a monument to that.  I don't know; maybe this is the greatest thing ever, but my gut reaction is that it' just another cheap fucking twist to do get people, more popular ones, obviously, to do this very thing that I'm doing.  It's a vicious cycle.  Seems like a cheap, but rational and prefaced but just dirty feeling, twist that we'll go through for like 6 months-year.  Honestly, I think this may be one of the more reasonable responses to this that you'll see come tomorrow. So the verdict: I can respect the bold writing choices made by Slott; as a fan of Spider-Man I fucking hate this. I just hope this is a swerve before the new series.  Please?


UPDATE - SPOILERS BELOW









Yeah - Dock Ock switches bodies with Peter Parker; Parker dies in the feeble Doc Ock body.  Octavius is now Spider-Man; he's going to bang MJ.  Octavius tried to marry/bang Aunt May.  Weird.  Not sure how much juice is there. 

World's Shortest Movie Reviews - Skyfall

It's awesome. 

Even though it's All-New; you've already read it before - All-New X-Men #1

And now it's time to strut.

Inflammatory titling aside, the reason that you've read this all before is that frankly the majority of the content has been repeatedly plastered on far more legitimate comic book blogs.  That's really the main hindrance of enjoyment.  I mean the comic book itself is engaging, but you've seen most of it, save five pages, before, so that's the main detriment to enjoyment.    Aside from this book being light on unrevealed content, it's a pretty decent read and a novel concept.  That's really it without getting into too many specifics.  The art is crisp, and the characters don't, in my estimation, come across as too Bendis-y, (i.e. middle aged New York Seinfeld character).  I mean it's worth your four bucks if you're looking for another X book to get into, and if you read comic books like me and are a compulsive, borderline, hoarder.  So there you really have it.  Not too much to grouse about, and unfortunately, nothing that surprising, kinda like AVX #1. That's really it.  No need to endlessly pontificate. 

It's the Rick Grimes I've known and love/feared for years - In Defense of Season 3 of Walking Dead mit non-spoil spoiler (for pageviews)

Now that the rancorous presidential election has finally drawn to a close, normalcy has returned, by and large, to social media.  This return to relative normalcy means two things: cat videos and people spoiling/bitching/espousing/making wild claims/etc. about the Walking Dead.  As a stalwart of the comic book and begrudging viewer of the show, I have to say that I actually enjoy the new direction of the show.  Here's why...obviously.

I think we're going to need a new group shot as well most of you are dead now.

1) They say the show was all about character development; most of them were developing into d-bags.

It's true.  Every week I watch Andrea, on the tv show, and I think good god what is your fucking problem lady?  Do you ever say anything that isn't patently retarded?  Wait, now you're siding with Shane?  Just die.  And even now in Season 3 she is still dumb as shit and developing on that trajectory of being a fucking moron.  So, what's the problem?  And hey, you know what?  Now that Merle is back he's more than just a syphilitic white supremacist; he's a syphilitic white supremacist that loves his brother and is part of the group.  Glenn is still very much Glenn, and Darryl continues to develop as the only likable character created for the show; hell, even T-Dog was useful/resonant before he died which is a big step really.  So there you go, the characters are still developing; it's just that things have actually been happening at a speedy click this season, with less wistful staring/hugging and shit.

2) The dialogue is cringe worthy.

Um...it always was.  Seriously, half of the time the show had people trying to spout exposition or make declarations of their feelings.  It's always been that way, and it's always been awkward.  Just think back to the CDC arc, or don't...it's terrible.  I'm really just glad that everyone who died um died.  So that's really it; the show hasn't gotten worse on that front really; you're just aware of it as it's not the show you had been watching, and change is scary.

3) Rick is a huge douchebag now.

That's how I like my Rick Grimes: crazy and willing to do whatever is necessary to help the group.  Sure, his interactions with Lori right before she ate it were a bit terse, but it happens some times in relationships.  Also, she did kinda convince him that murdering people was a-ok and that may have caused some strife.  I mean I've gotten short with women about movie concessions and vice versa.  My petty squabbles aside, that's the Rick Grimes I've love/feared in the comics for years.  He's at heart a good man that does what's necessary, but he's most of all a man.  He's going to react to his wife dying, stupidly, like anyone else-blind rage.  He's going to defend his people with machetes.  He's going to do way more questionable shit than that depending on how long the show runs.  I'd say just sit back and enjoy it; murder crazy Rick is the best and still fairly reasonable.  Just don't test him.  Ever.  He'll fucking kill you and not be all that bothered by it.

4) They just keep killing off characters left and right.

Refer back to 2.  It's the Walking Dead.  It happens in the books and on the show as that's the main thing that would happen in an actual zombpacalypse: people dropping like flies.  And hey, you know what they made me care about T-Dog, a character that I and the internet typically mocked (Rick: Okay, I'm going to need Glenn and Darryl on this one; T-Dog...I don't know go wait with the women or try and find Carl or something.)  But yeah I mean it's going to happen, and they already have a new more bad ass black guy.  I'm also sure there will be a new momish squeezy bun for Darryl.  Hey, maybe he could get with that girl who they keep trying to imply digs Carl but is 27 which makes me feel weird.  Or not.  Anyway, it's the show's m.o to keep the death toll high.

5) The reveals are stupid.

No they're not.  The arena is a pretty integral part of illustrating the ideological differences between survivors.  Pretty much, for television you've got to make it a slightly slower burn with illustrating that yes, the Governor is bat shit crazy.  Granted, we have already seen him straight up murder a group of survivors, but that happens on this show.  We have not seen someone corral his zombie daughter.  I am glad though that on the tv show he does not kiss said zombie daughter on the mouth, like on the comic.  He also doesn't have a bunch of zombie heads in aquariums that he watches in lieu of television.  And frankly, I don't really know if television audiences would be okay with his prolonged and systematic raping of Micchone, like in the comic books (it came out over 5 years ago and I feel spoiler free.)  So yeah, the reveals have less punch, but they're less ham fisted ways of illustrating the core differences between groups of survivors.

And now there be spoilers:

Stop reading

Seriously

Anyway, here we go... It's Lori on the phone.  Rick has gone nanners and talks to his dead wife on the phone for, frankly, way longer than he should. 

I kinda wish his name was Master Chef (was voiced by Raekwon)... My week with Halo 4.

I'll never forget that fateful evening when I set up my X-box live account those many years ago and embarked on the first of many Halo 2 benders.  It was a different time, a simpler one.  It was still a novel concept to lambast a 12 year old boy with an undeniably yokel sounding accent for his imagined sexual transgressions with his sister after he had called you a nigger or faggot for beating him.  And while I'm still occasionally called a nigger or faggot while playing video games on line, it just isn't the same.  Dare I say it the shock of the slurring and engaging in the head to head with grown men and tweens and accusing them of suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome has, sadly, abated.  My fond memories of hate speech in the frontier days of online console multiplayer may also be indicative though of my growing apathy towards the genre of online shooters.  Last year, I purchased Modern Warfare 3 as it was on sale right after Christmas, and as I have a big boy job I figured what the heck.  I played the campaign and enjoyed it's unabashed silliness as I do, but I rankled at the thought of getting into the time suck that is competitive multiplayer.  Then came Halo 4 last week. 

After braving yet another midnight release at my area Gamestop, where I have become famous for drunkenly photobombing their Resident Evil 6 release (I was at an open mic beforehand, drink a lot), I had it in my hands.  Anyway, yadda yadda played the game for a few hours the first night, was impressed by the graphics.  This continued throughout the week and into the weekend.  It was nothing new really, as Halo multiplayer had taken up a fair amount of my time, but then on Saturday it happened.  I stopped caring, far far faster than I thought possible.  Granted, I have not played the campaign yet as... it's a pointless anecdote.  Anyway, by and large it's a better looking Halo with some tweeks and balance things.  It does have the loadout and customization options that are demanded in this day and age, and I'm fine with that honestly.  I like to reload a little quicker and the like, and it's 2012, so it's a must.  It's just as I played it I noticed a few things. 

1) I'm sick of playing the same five maps on slayer.  So fucking sick of them.  Sure, I've tried to mix it up and play some objective based games, but the bulk of my play time is slayer, and it's incredibly repetitive.  Also, the new maps aren't really that memorable in comparison to some of my old favorites like say Lockout or Zealot/midship/etc.  Sure, I enjoy the simplicity/murder of Haven, but it's been 6 days, and I'm getting bored by the levels already.

2) Fuck you in the eyeballs for offering me new levels to buy on day one.  Usually I'm pretty cool about these unfettered cash grabs; this situation is merely exacerbated by how I'm already sick of the new levels.  I don't want to give you another 25 dollars to extend the playtime I'm not 100% sold on, but will continue to play indefinitely as, it's what you do.

3) It looks pretty.  It really does.

4) Still getting used to the balance.  Hope you like getting shot in the face from across the map with the DMR; it's going to happen, a lot. But yeah, still getting used to the balancing of it all.  Sword got nerfed which makes me sad; they brought back the BR, but it's kinda assy.  Needler is still above board.  Snipes feels off.  Some of the new guns are kinda neat.  I don't know my main issue is that I find myself falling in love with a new gun for a little while for a couple of rounds and then go back to stinking with it.  It's up and down really. 

5) THe customization options are pretty neat and I will say that the ordinance system is mercifully not a game breaker like in COD.  What? I mean attack dogs break the fucking game.  A lot of the higher level kill streak rewards in COD games kinda break the game.  At least with the ordinance it's like you get a Shotgun or Overshield; it's handy but not going to ridiculously sway a match. 

6) It's got a playlist for everything, so that's cool. 

7) Spartan Ops is thoroughly okay.  Yeah, it's all right.  Novel idea with the updates to the story.  It's like Spec Ops in COD. 

So, yeah.  Halo 4 is pretty nifty.  I don't know my languid praise may have to do with my waning fascination with competitive shooting people on the internet, or not.  If you like Halo, you've already bought it, and if you don't, well that's justified, and I mean Call of Duty comes out at midnight tonight, so you're good.

So Where are we Going NOW!... Wait did you get that? I don't know...may have been a little subtle... the other idea was Marvel MEOW!

So, as I did to mild fanfare back in the days of Myspace, in my salad days, I'm pretty much going to spoil semi obvious things or make wild speculations about unrevealed things about comic books that have yet to come out.  Now, you may be wondering where my skills of ratiocination come from, mainly Phoenix Wright games and tv mysteries of the 80's.  So without further ado, to spoil the unspoiled, which is difficult in our day and time.  So we'll start with the only one that nobody is going to call.

Avengers

So, who's that guy in the back you may ask?  Well, there's really just one logical choice for it.  First, look at the hair.  It's dreadlocks or something of that nature.  You know what, I don't feel like drawing this out with a bunch of cute little questions and shit of that ilk.  Really no sense in drawing it out.  They're coming our of a portal; he's got dreads; they're trying to add new blood to the line up (i/e Cannonball and Sunspot) and it's obviously Eden Fesi from Secret Warriors, which was written by Avengers author Johnathon Hickman, and also a pretty good read if you haven't picked it up.  IT can get a little dense with all of the insane plot twists, I mean as dense as a cape and tight espionage book gets, but it's a fun read with solid art and characterization that really plays with the universe well and has some pretty neat moments.  So yeah.  There's that.  

All New X-Men

So far it's looking like it's just some new characters in the background.  Probably with some tangential connection with the franchise.  As the girl with the obvious phoenix attire (yes, I'm speculating on a sash on a funny book cover, my former professors and employers are rolling in their respective chairs) is not Rachel Grey,  well who is it?

You've really only got two options then: Hope and also teenage Jean Grey.  First one makes some sense as with the whole summer event book and the phoenix thing, and the sash.  It's a logical-ish call as this is a place for kinda logic.  Teenage Jean Grey though is the more interesting choice as well the leads of the two x-men books are both fascinated with dead gingers, but our nation still mentions Lindsay Lohan, so it's understandable (I'm a time traveler from six months in the future). The other reason that it works, honestly, is based around the potential storyline aspects of it, and by that I mean teenage Jean Grey after learning about her many myriad deaths and being dressed as a dominatrix and marrying a herb who mind bangs a woman behind her back is like nertz to um living through this and jumps ship to probably Uncanny as it's more interesting what with the whole broken up Scott and Emma, so there you have it.  Also, there's really no correlation of thing sin the present of comics on some things (I'm talking about Damion Hellstrom who is a hero and a villain and dead all in the same month).  So the space time doesn't really matter and having them float around in the present indefinitely is kinda neat conceptually.

Update - I'm totally fucking wrong.  It's some girl with a sash and time powers.  Doesn't even have red hair in the thing.  

X-Men Legacy

I'm more excited than I thought I'd be for this one.  I've always liked Legion as much as you can as he only showed up every so often back in the day and would go coma, trying to kill Wolfsbane, unwriting history etc. every so often.  Anyway, the whole multiple personalities, powers, psych prison thing is kinda cool.  And for the new series it should also be cool as, obviously, the gimmick is now changed to be the well received, but cancelled Moon Knight reboot of a couple years ago. In that book, Marc Spector vacillated between the personalities of Wolverine, Spider-Man, and I want to say Cap instead of the given personalities he had established which is a novel twist on it and more compelling to the less well versed fan, as we weren't all in middle school freaking out over Stephen Platt's art on it and glancing at it.  Anyway, 

So, I mean this is pretty obviously going to be dude controlling the many farcical characters in his head by jumping from the personalities of Wolverine, Magneto, Cable, and Beast.  I mean it's kinda right there.  Or not.  I'm just trying to kill time until 5 at this point.


Superior Spider-Man

So the slip on that one is that it's Miguel O'Hara from Spider-Man 2099, which is actually the most palatable option really.    Unless it's 616 Miles Morales, who if you read Spider-Men (which was actually pretty good) does exist.  Although that might be a bit too much.

And on that note I'm done for right now.  Here are a couple of quick ones though.

Iron Man

A lot of people really don't care for Greg Land and are quite vocal about it.  Just saying.  Read issue #1 going to give it an arc before passing judgement.

Deadpool

It's Deadpool all right.  Now the question is to see if it stays fresh or gets grating.  So far though it's got Brian Posehn and Tony Moore, and that's awesome.  Even though the last series lost it's way after a while, Deadpool is either nifty or grating; it's one or the other; there is no middle ground.  So far we're at nifty.

Uncanny X-Force

It's a tall order to fill.  I'll give it a shot, but I don't know if it's going to live up to the last series.  Also, the only real question is if Cluster is a girl clone, as Fantomex does do the cloning, or EVA in a suit.

So there you go.  Comic Book fever.  Catch it.  I guess. It's better than Magic: The Herpening.  Yes, I just made that up.  But seriously, they make you buy new cards every year.  Glad that I've spent this many 0 dollars on it since the late 90's.  I'm a freeloader and will just borrow your deck.  I digress.  #NERDSHIT.

   

My Suzy weighs a ton son carry it: The Man with the Iron Fists reviewed

So, I heard you liked kung fu movies... memes aside that's really the heart of the film.  You're either in one of two camps when it comes to loving kung fu movies.  A) You've seen Enter the Dragon and think it's neat.  Well, of course you do.  It's Enter the fucking Dragon.  It's got actual production values, John Saxon, Mr. Handy-Man, and a peerless martial artist that can act, in English no less.  Or maybe it's Legend of Drunken Master  or some other kung fu movie from the upper echelon.  If you fall into this camp, well frankly, the camp of The Man with the Iron Fists is not necessarily for you.  As this movie is made squarely for those of us that fall into camp B, which as someone using the sobriquet of B I fall into.  Those of us in camp B have slogged through literally every kung fu movie available.  Our DVD collections are littered with ill advised purchases because person 1 in the movie choreographed or trained someone we loved in another kung fu film.  IT is frankly a slavish devotion to the genre.  It is akin to being frankly a kung fu zombie.  IF you are consumed with an undying fever that can only be cured by jump kicks and terrible dubbing then The Man with the Iron Fists  is your movie.

Because dammit why not?

Not to say that it will not appeal to the casual fan of the genre, it may.  Moreover though, it is made with the hardcore disciple of Shaolin in mind.  The best way to describe it in terms is that it is an amalgam of humor and over the top gore, and that is all it sets out to be.  It is in this simplicity that we find it.  It is part grand guignol with elements of odd comedy and asides.  It is not without flaws, but at the same time, if you are looking for a rollicking tale of violence and archetypes and bloodletting and ribaldry then this is your movie.  Also, Russell Crowe is fat, but I would never say that to his face.  It's a solid matinee choice if you're looking for an homage to this genre that you truly love.  It's not high art, but there is an artistry to it's violence.  It is the essence of the kung fu movie of wildly varying quality but with better production values.  That's it.  It's exactly what you think it'll be.  Also, Silver Lion kinda steals the show, and it's obviously got the best fight scenes you'll see this year. 

Fine, More Star Wars - What's so Funny about Apathy, Your Childhood, and Cash Grabs?

When I was a wee lad, I loved a certain trilogy of films.  I also had contemporaries with a predilection for paste in those days too.  I mean while I was a clever child I was still, at heart, dumb as shit.  Now, while I'm not going to say that the Star Wars franchise of films at the time were dumb as shit, I will argue that the combined opus of six films is, as continually groused about on the internet since restarted in 1999, kinda assy.  Look, let's cut it to brass tacks here: the prequels are shitty movies.  Now, I have never been accused of a lack of sentimentality. Hell, this sentimentality, or hoarding as it's called by some, almost got me on Comic Book Men (I may have overestimated my efficiency at keeping accessories when I talked to central casting, pointless story for another day.).  THe point that I'm laconically making is this: George Lucas already fucked our childhoods.  The mythos of Star Wars, while engaging in it's original form, could not stand without our warm fuzzy feelings.  While some of the ancillary properties that it has spawned since it's inception have actually been pretty solid in my estimation: Knights of the Old Republic, the Rouge Squadron series, the Gendy Tartikovsky Clone Wars films etc, they work mainly because of the talents involved.  This point is backed up, frankly, by the number of times that it has not worked: KOTOR 2, the prequels, a lot of the ancillary material, every other Star Wars book, Masters of Teras Kasi, etc.

If you throw in a keyblade, I'll have kittens.



Moreover, at their heart, the original trilogy of films worked because they captivated our imaginations by combining the tropes of samurai films with the sensibilities and settings of classic serials of Lucas' youth.  Moreover, it is not the story that made Star Wars iconic; it was how it was told and how it makes you feel.  IT is comfort food on celluloid, frankly, and comfort food always has gelatin in it.  I'm not trying to marginalize the tale or the characters, as your connection to them is what fuels this and they are vividly rendered on the screen; it's that the story and themes are some of the most well worn in history.  But it is a tribute to the filmmakers that this tale in particular of the force and gay robots revolutionized popular film and became an iconic part of the last fifty years of Americana.  Pretty much, the original trilogy should be lauded, but somebody already took a big messy dump on your childhood and continually whipped and milked a dead horse for much of the last fifteen years.  So why worry?  Who really cares?  No matter how many times they futz with the original trilogy you'll know that Han shot first; Jabba is only in Jedi, and the Max Rebo band is not fronted by a fraggle or whatever.


So look, the well has been dry for a while.  I mean while compelling for three movies that's all the juice Lucas could get out of them, before forcing me to spend thirty dollars watching inert tech demos on opening weekend during the late 90's/00's.  At the same time there is hope.  And that hope has been mentioned as when in the hands of competent talents there is a life and vibrance within this universe, but this ain't the fucking be all end all.  It's a universe with like 8-12 well realized characters that are at their heart still archetypes following a logical heroic arc, but they're our archetypes that we grew up with.  While the intricacies of the Jedi, the tech, and the geoplitics of it were compelling, um fucking midochlorians are a thing that happened.  I mean the reason that we keep coming back to Star Wars as individuals and a culture is that we loved Star Wars.  Lucas knew that, and Disney knows that, and there are still stories to tell within that universe, but we will always go anyway no matter what, but maybe they'll get someone who can wring some life out of it.  We've seen it done before, and we've seen it bungled on every level, but who cares?  We'll always have the Star Wars that we loved no matter when Greedo shoots or how many ancillary and contradictory scenes of mobile Jabba that they edit in but not on Blu-Ray, but you can't win them all.  So don't worry; your childhood has already been vigorously sodomized for the purpose of fattening the coffers of Kenner and Taco Bell.  We survived because it's a series of movies that you loved when you were 8 or 18 or 38 or legally dead and nothing more, and some pretty good video games and some cartoons of wildly varying quality.  And who knows, maybe these movies will be competently directed or actually have a plotline that can justify the creation of a new trilogy or not feature so much walking and talking and terrible decision making and filler, so much filler, and old timey racism and characters doing neat fight scenes that in a sense invalidate the fight scenes of the original given that Obi Wan is seen flipping around in the prequels and then has an awkward ass sword fight in A New Hope and sure he's old but Count Dooku was old and doing flips in the second and third prequels, and Vader building C-3po, and Obi Wan knowing R2-D2, and Yoda knowing Chewbacca which none of them ever bring up because this was obviously not planned out in advance.

And that's it really.  I don't care that they're making new Star Wars; I've seen good and bad ones.  Just cherish the good times.  And who knows, maybe they'll be good.  If not, they're fucking movies, and you've got real problems, probably. God knows I do.  So that's it.  Your childhood got banged; we're all going to give up the cash, and who cares really?  Also, Disney pretty much let's Marvel do their thing, so I mean you don't buy a company to savage it. 

"Do the Charlie Brown"

                In film, the wayward, stodgy protagonist finds his pragmatic, joyless existence upended by some sort of free spirited member of the opposite sex.  Typically, one learns from another; there is some sort of spat where one’s free spiritedness leads to let’s say a blown meeting for the other, or someone is entirely too doggedly dry for some sort of hot yoga convention, or a soufflé is horribly burned when a work associate is coming over, or Dharma gets AIDS, somehow.  Maybe Dharma gets AIDS from Greg’s stationary, somehow.  I don’t write television, but it could happen?  McWorld?  It’s a bit bleak, but people tend to enjoy that sort of relatable impact, a digestible form of current strife.  The horror of this befuddling modern world through the lens that is situational comedy is a fairly well-worn trope. Anyway, this is bullshit, utter rubbish as our compatriots across the pond would call it. 

                For my own tale, as convention would dictate, it was a mildly dreary afternoon, and I was feeling the intolerable weight of my, predictably, drab existence.  I had left the sterile confines of my one bedroom apartment with institutional décor of white walls and nothing and ventured into the hazy, confounding, pointless miasma of another work day.  The only fundamental shift really was from the white walls and institutional décor, nothing, of my one bedroom apartment to the white walls and institutional décor, nothing, of my office space.  Actually that’s inaccurate; there was also the ideological shift from being on the giving end to the receiving end of petulant phone calls.  Fortunately though, most of my telecom abusers are believers in the theory of word economy, which I am not.  When they limit it to merely, “Die cunt”, I imagine that they’re talking about radishes, exceptional radishes, the most marvelous radishes ever, the kind of radishes that a grown, vocally porcine man would scream about. 

              
          Needless to say, it was an excellent day for radishes. As my horticultural experience wound down, I made my way out of the building and on to the streets of my illusory and nebulously defined city.  Past the bank, the marijuana dispensary, and the animal clinic there is a small bar that I frequent.  It is a nice shift from the institutional décor of a sanitarium to the institutional décor of a small dive bar.  There are a jukebox and some pictures.  Normally, I slink in, think hellos to the patrons, and slump in a booth near the back.  As such, today was appropriately normal.  I sat with my tumbler of rail rye and my pint of domestic lager and watched a judge show, shown silently, and imagined what was being litigated.  It was usually, “Shuckie Duckie, Quack, Quack.” I would only do this for white plaintiffs though, as to free my inner monologue from accusations of racism from my superego. 

                As I was sitting, mired in deep thoughts of punitive damages and freedom, I was aurally accosted by a young woman.  This was not normal.  I have now surmised that she had mistaken my deliberate Old Hollywood style stoicism for crippling depression which she oddly reacted to with sympathy, women.  Visually, she was not unattractive.  There was a certain reddish discoloration to her skin that connoted girlishness to a modern person and bawdiness to 13^th century British authors.  Her facial features were those of a catalogue model for something practical like parkas or possibly dinettes, nothing gaudy, but pleasing on a Rockwell level or like the more restrained Playboy cartoons of the 70’s.  She stated that her name was Apple, and noting her severe lack of a British accent, I postulated that her parents had merely hated her due to some sort of prenatal transgression. 

                After a brief intermission of platitudes and exposition, she had a suggestion for me and improving my mood.  She said plainly, “You need to do the Charlie Brown.”  My first reaction was a slight, yet palpable, turgidity in my swimsuit area.  As it had only led me wrong a slim percentage of the time, I went with it.  The first step on this adventure was to get into my Ford Fiesta, which had been sold to me under the pretense that it was a Quince on wheels, without the transition into Hispanic womanhood.  As we entered the car, my heart sank slightly as I realized that “Charlie Brown” was not a euphemism for heterosexual sodomy or heroin.  No, the first step of the “Charlie Brown” was to drive forty five minutes into a pastoral hamlet outside of the city.  The second step was to meander through our bucolic confines to find a small hill. 

                It was with the third step that things grew odder.  As we sat and waited on this hill exchanging pleasantries and belying our trepidation related to accompanying a stranger to a small town on a whim on a Wednesday, I saw it.  I saw why she had brought me here. It was a Klan rally.  While I thought the synergy between unassuming attractive women leading strangers to kKan rallies was odd, it had worked in this case.  Noticing my obvious confusion, Apple reassured me that, no she was not a headhunter for the klan which was a mild relief.  What came next was slightly less relieving. 

                Apple, to this point an archetype  of improbable male fantasies related to the crushing skull drudgery of American male adulthood for the middle class non meth addicted segment of the country borne into reality, picked up a surprisingly large, softball size, rock.  She made the international sign for being quiet and then led me closer to the congregation of white supremacists.  Fortunately, our innate whiteness allowed us to blend in.  As we stood in the back of this mass of irked Caucasians, Apple began to motion.  She began to spin the rock as a softball pitcher would.  As her centrifuge of descent whirred, I was mildly distracted by licentious Sapphic thoughts that have mired the perception of women’s sports in this country.  As that second transitioned to the next, I was startled by the striking rapidity the rock had now taken when released.  I marveled at the wet damp thud that it made on the back of that Klansman’s head.  As the crowd noticed the crumpling of the Klansman, all eyes shifted back to us.  Apple then yelled out, “All I got was a rock!” We started running, really fucking fast.  My only thoughts at the time were that Apple had done this frequently enough to have a term for it and Sweet Jesus; I do not want to die. 

Party like it's 2005...kinda - AVX Retrospective.

As the leaves change, so to does the landscape of comic bookery.  It is inevitable.  Every year, every thing changes.  It is the mutability of the beast.  Before us, it transmutes into a chimera.  This sloughing beast has many names: New 52, Dark Reign, and now...um Marvel Now.  But6 how did we get here?  What was the impetus for this monumental return to a prior status quo?  Punching space gods in both the face and genitals; that's how.  But how does all of this interstellar nard punching make us feel?  Well, to answer that you can start your own blog I guess, and I'll read it fair, illusory reader.  Now though we will deal with how I feel.

It was okay I guess

I mean it didn't leave the typical flavor of carrion, from pummeled equine, that a lot of events give me.  Part of this was just due to the fact that it didn't really up my pull, as I was reading most of the books anyway.  The other part was that there was less truly ancillary filler. Granted, there was a lot of expounding on the meteoric crackle of fists between say The Thing and Namor, but there was less of say, Jackpot, fighting a Skrull that was a hodgepodge of B-list Spider Villains.  So, yes, that's a plus I guess.  Pretty much, these comic super events are typically a bloated mass of vestigial tales, bloat, and laconic droning.  This event at least stayed on topic for the most part with the tie-ins.  Sure, some of it was kind of filler, but it was competent filler usually, and it all dealt with the main conflict, more or less.  As for the plot, they probably could have tightened the thing up a scooch, as the most interesting concept, beloved X-men making the slow burn from magnanimous cyphers of an ill defined space god to fascistic, man thonged, tyrants was left on the side for more punching.  THe reason for this is that well after the X-Men made that full, inevitable, heel turn you knew where this was going.

 

  Sisqo saw all of this coming

 As for the events within, there have been some decent moments and interactions sure.  I do look forward to some of the new books coming out of this, but yeah pretty much this:  Charles Xavier died way more convincingly, given ephemerally, in Messiah Complex; the Phoenix lost way more meaningfully in um The Dark Phoenix Saga; The Thing punched Namor way harder in the 60's when men were men, and women knew their place.  I mean, yes, characters come from literally out of left field in the last issue, and I mean I almost called the resolution to it Spoiler it's just that they didn't say "Fine, More Mutants" but "More Mutants" and "No More Phoenix" as it's good to be the Deus Ex Machina.

We all would have preferred it ending with "Fine, More Maggot"...No?

You Should buy AVX Versus #6

It's got Squirrel Girl and Pixie, and Domino beats up Rulk.



So...

In summation, AVX was who we thought it was.  It was Avengers and X-men punching each other and eventually coming together to fight a common enemy, some of the X-men.  Wakanda got leveled; Hope knows Kung-Fu; Spider-Man can take a punch to the face; fine, More Mutants; Cyclops' arc has made him both more interesting over the years/ kind of a dick;  I guess as the heavy handed allegories for civil rights go, that makes Wolverine MLK Jr?   I don't even know any more.  So, in closing, it was better than last year's events, as Fear Itself was instantly retconned after publication/ inconsistent and Flahpoint, seriously what the fuck just happened?  Wait?  What?  Sot that's what you missed in AVX.   

No, Seriously, what the fuck?  I still don't, what?

Flute Loop-er - Movies Rock the Nation.

And we're back again with gloriously bare film critiques.  This past weekend, there was Looper.  It was a movie.  People really seem to enjoy it.  Personally though, the one thing I noted when the film was discussed was the parallels with the film Drive  that were being made.  Yes, both films shared a similar release schedule, both were pot boilers, as my grandmother may have called the, and most strikingly, neither film is the one advertised to you.

As Drive was advertised, and notably litigated against, it was to be a taught, um driving centric, action film.  That movie though, should have been given the far more accurate sobriquet of CurbStomp or Elevator Beatings or Ryan Gosling is Beat Takeshi in etc.  The same is true of Looper.  It is not so much a time faring action thriller in the form of a literal battle of one's self, but a well crafted meditation on causality, with time travel.  Unfortunately though, it is impossible really to discuss some of the movie's finer points without totally excavating the movies twists and finer points.  So, in brief, I cannot in good conscience tell you not to see the movie.  It's worth the movie dollar.  It has an interesting presence, solid performances, and it does some terribly nifty things with time travel in the first half.  However, here is what I can say negatively.  The second half features a plodding, languid pacing to it that I found to be wholly disengaging, as the eventual reveals (relating to the well everyt6hing is spoiler redacted) are ungodly predictable.  I mean I can't say who is doing what and how and why but you will know how it plays out when that starts.  One would not need to ruminate on narrative structure to figure out the whys and hows; it just is.  That's really it.  So, pretty much in summation: totally worth the money, has a great taut introduction, then proceeds to not simmer during the second half, nor boil over; it just is.  Then it ends, and you're like that was pretty cool I guess.  Not the movie I thought I was paying to see, but still a solid flick.  Also, you get used to the Joseph Gordon Levitt prosthetics, and they didn't really take me out of things.  So, yes, Looper pretty good; fire bad. 

And we're back... I guess. Short ass Movie Reviews.

After an interminable hiatus fueled by apathy, malaise, booze, outdoor activities, templar conspiracy, duck sauce, etc. I have returned to mildly amuse the majority Russian, odd, readership of this blog.  As such, on to the briefest movie reviews imaginable, but not really, of films in current release and those relegated to bargain theaters, due to my reticence to post. 

The Expendables 2
  It's a bunch of old dudes walking with guns.  I mean it's what you expect it is to the tee.  Whether it is winking satire of action genre tropes or not is entirely subjective.  But yes, every traditional action movie note is hit.  Not to give too much away, but the cues for plot development are all there.  When a character says he's two days from retirement, well you know what's coming next etc.  With that said though, the affability of the characters is there based on them playing to these archetypes, but they are archetypes that the actors themselves originated in some cases.  With that said though, the movie felt a touch rote at times.  However, that is not to dismiss the performance of one cast member in particular: Jean Claude "Mother Fucking Van Damage" Van Damme.  In my opinion, he steals the thing in every way imaginable.  But, I'm wildly biased as a fan of Van Damme.  Wildly I say. 

Dredd 3D
  First, I would like to thank the marketing genius behind the synergistic cross promotion of Dredd 3D and Les Miserables.  I know, personally, that before I watch an hour and change of 3D rendered testosterone I want to hear about how singing live on set freed up Wolverine to really get into the character of Jean Valjean.  Also, when we're recasting the X-Men franchise can we get a Wolverine that does slightly less musical theater?  While I like Hugh Jackman as an actor, sometimes dammit I don't want to think that "I'm the best there is at what I do...which is high kicks and harmonizing." 

Anyway, go see Dredd 3D.  It's pretty much The Raid: Redemption with Judge Dredd.  Which if you haven't seen The Raid, um you should, is a compliment.  But yeah, it's true to the characters, visually interesting, other movie poster platitudes, violent as hell, enjoyable popcorn cinema.  Dude keeps his helmet on as well.  Also, there is no Rob Schneider as comic relief.  It is not a patently ridiculous affair.  It's just a Judge Dredd movie.  That's a good thing.  Also, Karl Urban brings the detached, robotic, wry fury.  Olivia Thrilby works as Judge Anderson and could get it.  So, that's good.  All in all worth your movie dollar.  The 3D was totally worth the extra 4 dollars for all of the flying blood, sparkles. 

So, I saw a bunch of movies of dramatically varrying quality- Here we go (in Mario voice) mid summer wrap up is what we'll call it.

As the above overly literal title, if we can call it that, suggests I have seen a metric fuck ton of summer movies.  This due in part to the fact that it's something to do on Saturday in the early afternoon, for the most part.  Aside form having my Saturday morning's free typically, I blame the wildly vacillating quality of cartoons...fuck that's sad; I do consider myself a bit of a cinephile with far more pedestrian leaning  tastes which seem to grow more prosaic as I spiral aimlessly through the miasma of malaise that is adulthood.   With that little bit of good old fashioned fanboy self loathing, which is what I should probably call the site, covered let's get on to the talkies (in an approximation of chronological viewing order)

The Amazing Spider- Man

I had rather low expectations for this film when.  It seemed, as gleaned from trailers, to be a joyless reboot of the Spider-Man franchise.  I did not have much faith in the dude from Social Network.  I was leery of the Lizard as a movie carrying villain.  I did not know if the tonal shift would really work as there was something fitting about the anachronistic aw shucks-ery that seemed to permeate the pop art cum action franchise of Raimi.  I was mostly wrong though.  As you've already made your decision to see this movie, you oh fictional, illusory reader, I feel that my purple opining may be more irrelevant than usual.  By that same token, irrelevance is the crux of the genre fare vanity blog... back to the movie

It by and large worked.  Yes, you're watching a fair approximation of the first film.  Yes, Garfield is actually likable in the film and brings the snippy prankster Spider-Man that Maguire's rendition did not embody.  And that is at the heart, so to speak, of this mandated reboot, due to issues of rights.  The film is not the same pop art pastiche that Raimi provided.  IT does embody the slightly grittier space of Super Hero film making of a post Nolan Batman summer super hero blockbuster.  And it works, by and large.

THe reason that it works, frankly, is that there is simply a stronger supporting cast in it, and a more likable, in my opinion, Spider-Man.  Martin Sheen steals every scene he is in, and Sally Field reminds me that Smokey and the Bandit movies existed.  Emma Stone is a better Mary Jane as Gwen Stacy, she's sassier, than Kirsten Dunst.  (In doing so, she adds a much needed level of personality to the sainted and sullied comic psuedo heroine...all she ever really did was die and be perfect/ have bastards with Jack disease/ powers in an oft maligned story arc, rightly so).  Anyway, the film is geared toward the slightly more modern film goer, as the last franchise closed up shop not that long ago.  It is not "total ass".  The Lizard looks less silly in the film after a while.  His motivations in this modern world, and world of suspended disbelief does make his motivations shoddier.  He never seems fully justified in his motivations, and his plans are scurrilous at best.  He is merely the needed villain... He's serviceable I guess you'd say.  So the review is that it was a decent reboot of the franchise, and that's about it really.

Savages

I went to see this at the behest of a female associate.  I am not trying to absolve myself of seeing this film, merely providing contest.  Needless to say though, we did have something to talk about after the film.  On the one hand, you have Oliver Stone's return to the realm of madcap violence/ escapism.  On the other hand, you have a patently ridiculous affair, not an insult, that does not go far enough, insult.  In our desensitized times, I wonder if the film went far enough really, as per ultra violence.  Yes, there are some grizzly things unfolding on screen, but for a movie that was touted to me as a return to Natural Born Killers form, I felt that it did not go far enough with its frenetic descent into the blood letting.  Also, the dialogue is a bit corny in spots #wargasms. And that's really the issue with the film.  It is again serviceable.  The cast fully inhabits their scene devouring archetypes.  Taylor Kitsch is not immediately repellent to my, the target demographic.  Everyone is okay.  There was a bit much as per dude ass in the film.  Bottom line: enjoy it on the television.  While there are moments of mad spectacle, there are not adult theater prices worth.

The Dark Knight Rises

It's really good.  Sure, the myriad twists and turns are predictable to fans of the Bat.  No, nobody is going to top Heath Ledger for captivating menace.  THe set pieces may not be as crazy as DKR, but they're still at the top for the summer.  Anne Hathaway steals scenes.  Bale's Batman voice is still goofy.  Tom Hardy's Bane voice is also kinda goofy, think Bronson.  But at the end of the day it fits into the pre established franchise, obviously.  It's a fitting conclusion to the trilogy.  If you don't see it, the terrorists win (back in my day we called white people terrorists).  Personally, I found it to be less thematically ham fisted than Batman Begins, yet not as engaging as The Dark Knight, although much of that is attributable to Ledger, obviously.  The movie works; I did not think the first hour dragged, and some of the plot holes in the film will bother me, um, forever is the word.  Overall though, it's winning summer entertainment really.  Hence the shortness of the review; your mind is made up on the issue of being entertained.  Seriously though, go to the movies and see it.  It's worth the adult admission for the sheer spectacle of it all.

The Watch

As a fan of "The IT Crowd", and amateur Richard Ayoade impersonator, I was willing to forgo my initial apprehensions about the quality of this film.  Then, I read the myriad negative reviews of the film and tempered my expectations, as I have done with many a thing in life.  Then, I saw the movie.  It is a movie.  It has a beginning and ending and actors and a soundtrack, and I'm sure at some point a script.  At the same time though, it's kinda shitty really.  IT seems like everyone is on board for the proceedings, but at the same time it's just that the film isn't really doing anything new.  IT has some good moments, and they are all more or less in the trailer.  To that end, it is predictable to a fault, and it squanders a good cast.  Everyone is operating form a comfort zone of sorts, and things don't gel as well as you would expect them to.  It's not utterly humorless, but it is nothing that you haven't seen everyone else do better in another film really.  And that's about it really.  

You Gotta be Fresh - AVX so far

Earlier in the year, during one of my sporadic periods of updating this, I proclaimed that I was more interested in AVX than Before Watchmen, and I stand by that, mainly due to my Marvel Zombie-dom and my fetishistic need to complete story arcs.  While the Darwyn Cooke crafted Minutement piqued my interest in the store, I have kept to my resolve, for once, and have not given DC my money, yet.  During this same brief period of diligence, I made some claims as to what would happen, which I was totally wrong about.  This is mainly because I don't think any of us saw what was going to happen, which is a nice twist for a summer event.  At the same time though, I, as a reader and consumer, have a slight issue.  Not to belabor the point with purple prose, which I am loathe to admit that I do engage in (the most opulent of garrulousness calls to me), I'm kinda bummed out that the they've pretty much combined two of the more recent-ish summer events into one big ass summer event.

Okay, the Phoenix Five, Oceanic Six (I'm working on a Lost porn parody called Oceanic Dicks btw...well I have a treatment written), are fundamentally "The Worthy".  You take a group of characters; you jack them up and possess them; this time the twist is that they're feel that trying to save the world instead of destroy it.  More plainly stated though is the connection to House of M what with the "No More Avengers" tagline.  I find this one far easier to swallow as it is a plain allusion to one of the more "game changing" (I die a little bit every time I type it, or really half of these posts about comic books) events in the previous decade.   Anyway, my issue with the book is just that they're aping plot beats from last year's event, which I did not particularly care for, although I do loves me some Immomen and Fraction.  I like the talents on AVX, as there is less vitriol here than any comic book blog ever.  I'm looking forward to the Copiel art as I don't see enough of it for my tastes, and it makes the House of M connection, beyond the ads, Scarlet Witch, Pax-Whatever, even more salient.

So we'll see I guess.  As mentioned above, I'm going to give Marvel my monies until the end of this thing in September.  I'm curious to see what happens at the end of it after they kill Cyclops, they kind of have to, as it would in turn mirror the events of Civil War, as the losing general must die.  I'm hoping that this Phoenix Five bit is winkingly self-referential.  I'm hoping, in all honesty, that this loose bastard amalgamation (Hey, who wants a new issue of JLX?  Just me?  How's about Generation H for H.E.R.Oor whatever they called it) chimera of previous summer events leads to a legitimately refreshing Re:X:Genesis:Fatal:Blood:Attraction:Cutioner's:Future:X-Tinction:Complex-topia.  As I do enjoy comic books, they're a nice light read.  Granted they may be infuriating at times due to myriad inconsistencies which are discussed at length throughout the blogosphere.  That said, I don't know why Cyclops is wearing red BVDs over his outfit.  I am wondering how absolute power will corrupt and how absolutely.  Also, let's just hope that everything doesn't get retconned immediately after the event, like last year, I do enjoy Winter Soldier, so it's all good I guess.  So that's really it.  Overall, everything I said earlier was wrong; it happens.  The book overall is okay.  Some of the stuff in the AvX: Versus book is pretty fun.  Thank God that they didn't create a bunch of 3-4 issue ancillary titles that do not really serve the main book, as has been rampant in the past (Frontline: I'm looking squarely at you).  So as far as summer event books go, You've bought way worse imaginary reader.  I know it sounds like faint praise, but this is someone writing about comic books on the internet; anything short of excoriation or proclaiming that Creator X be ritually sacrificed/sodomized by the aforementioned chimeras should be considered the most gushing of praise.  So that's the verdict, main book pretty good.  Some of the tie-ins have been good, although I did think that Avengers #27 jumped around a bit, and I was confused as to how everyone ended up on Hala.  Although in fairness, I'm not even sure which Supremor it is or any of that as I thought he got murked (black people talk for killed) by the pan-dimensional, and not dead, Black Bolt with the 5 wives (I enjoy Fantastic Four, yet at times cannot cogently tell you what the hell has happened during Hickman's run.  Save the Willie Lumpkin issue (obviousness of twist/odd questions about playing God and morality raised/ illustrates the "why do people have cancer when you have a "God Mitten" thing floating around and routinely punk out a galactic force of nature, have a prison in a sub-dimmension/everything Reed Richards does and you've got cancer running around killing mailmen) it's been a solid read the entire time.  Massive digression aside it's fun stupid punching with massive stakes.  IT takes me back to my youth when fun stupid punching was the thing and it's got Gambit fighting Captain America (although in my youth I would have said Gambit would win, but everyone loved Gambit then.  Many of us still do.)  So there you have it. The most longwinded way to say that a comic summer event is pretty all right/ you're already buying it/ you've bought way worse. 

Quick pics: Cyclops dies.  The Blue team, realizing the error of their ways un/schis and reconvene in NY... probably not, Red Hulk dies, one of two things happen: Emma Frost realizes that Cyclops has gone too far militant and ends him 2) she gets in the way, he kills her, remorsefully sacs himself to put things right.  More mutants.  The Phoenix brings rebirth of...Maggot (A boy can dream)! But yeah, it's looking like the new new may be rooted in 2005 (more mutants).  But that's the nature of the medium: what's old is new again.  I mean there's only so many times that you can change the status quo in a certain direction, which both companies have had to do in the last two decades (Especially the New 52...which I guess more on that later).  Sometimes though, that big new direction is taking things back a couple of years.  It allows us older, wistful fans to reminisce while reading a new product, and it provides a jumping on point for the new..I can't say it with a straight face...there are no new readers coming in in droves.  Not due to the quality of the work, but kids don't fucking read anything.  I teach them; they don't.  I mean I guess if you relaunched X-Men as a monetized Twitter account you could get them in... maybe the children kids will get into it, but these helicopter parents and combining that with all of these new found concerns over violence in... it's just look people sometimes get back into the books after a hiatus; some kids are being brought in, but they'd rather watch Teen Mom  than Thundercats....it's a rambly pambly Friday... Anyway, a return to an entirely alien yet largely familiar (it's as non paradoxical as anything if you think about it) isn't really that bad of a thing.  It's how the medium works.  It's how it functions.  If anything, AVX is the beast in nature: it's a new, but familiar, story that has fooled you into thinking it's new, but has kept your interest by engaging you through the craft of those involved.  Finally, that's about it really. 

Oh no, Promotheus... Prometheus - reviewed (not by Jay Sherman)

As you, imaginary reader, may have noticed there has been a fair amount of controversy surrounding Ridley Scott's summer film Prometheus: based mainly on inanity and decision making.  Yes, while some may argue that the baffling at times idiocy of the film's principles as a wanton betrayal of the franchise (I guess?) I would argue that these forays into dullardry are at the crux of the franchise.  Before addressing that hyperbolic statement though, there must come an actual review of the film based solely on my experience in the theater.

I dug it.  It's an incredibly well shot film with the sort of breathtakingly shot vistas and Gieger-esque set design that you would expect.  However, Guy Pearce does look like a low rent Old Lo Pan in the make up they have him in.  By and large I enjoyed the creature design.  It was as pointedly, terrifyingly vaginal as anything else in the series and kept with the established aesthetic.  The performances were solid with Michael, if this was a regular conversation- you know Magneto? ohhh, Fassbender and Noomi, Swedish Dragon Tattoo... it's in my queue, Rappace being at the forefront of it.  Everyone else in the film brings the convincing acting (they sell those terrible decisions dammit), and Idris Elba talks like Cowboy Curtis but is still cool.  I would also recommend seeing the film in 3D as, for once, it was not an after thought.  While the technical elements, I felt, were all beyond satisfactory, we are left with the actual plot of the movie and it is a whole.  This is, obviously, where the contention arises. Fuckin' Spoilers ahead. 

So pretty much we were created by giant, irritable, space men who drink black shit fell in a river and spawned life.  They hung out on Earth, left a map to a bioweapons planet, and  decided to kill us about 2000 years ago.  I say to this, okay.  You see the thing for me, if you really do think about it is that the Alien films were originally envisioned, we're talking Starbeast here, as really good B-movies.  It just so happened that Alien happened to be an incredibly well done and atmospheric sci-fi monster picture.  Aliens peppered in action movie tropes and engaging characters, especially Bill Paxton.  However, the crux of Aliens is poor decision making: let's go round up the perfect killing machine for crowd control.  Alien 3 is itself just a poorly conceived film, in my opininon: let's say fuck the last movie that everyone liked and put her in spacejail with ROC and a single Alien.  Alien Resurrection, which I feel really gets shat on unnecessarily, is based around the incredibly ill  advised plan of growing mother frenching Xenemorphs for fiscal gain. 

Moreover, yes, the characters in Prometheus get into unbelievably dumb situations, like getting lost in a thoroughly mapped cave or trying to touch an unknown life form for shits and giggles and not knowing how to strafe and the rest.  And sure, it annoys me to know end when characters blithely talk about their faith in Christ in the face of resounding evidence to the counter.  And yes, the ham fisted inclusion of the debate reminded me that I was watching a big budget summer film (as you must repeat the thematic elements these days) However, these movies, and countless other genre films, are based around allegedly educated people doing the fucktardingest things imaginable.  I mean when you think Alien franchise you should be thinking A) vaginal imagery which belies concerns over fertility/ procreation (check) B) Horrible deaths (Check) C) Rock solid production values (Check) D) Protagonist succeeding in spite of the terrible decisions of everyone involved in the proceedings (check).  The thing is though, it's a movie made for today's all inclusive big budget explosion summer, which I enjoy the explosions of. As such, it must blatantly reiterate any higher concept beyond explosions, America, and valor/comradery/ whatever the end of Con-Air was about.  And I think that may be part of the issue.  The other part being that back in olden times we had to get our spoilers from our dickish friends that are incapable of not discussing a movie's ending in front of you because they feel that whatever pithy observation they feel they are making is more important than human decency.  As is to say, you can have a negative reaction to the film's content without seeing it in execution, which is a detriment to Prometheus as it beautifully tells a story that's kinda dumb at times.

I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.

On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen.  And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it.  Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra.  Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.

So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole.  I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with.  Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness.  Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk.  Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film.  While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked.  While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it.  Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it.  Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2.  Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled.  THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous). 


*Spoilers*




About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand.  THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan".  Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating.  So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie.  While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.

#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order.  I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic.  My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward?  I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been  great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit.  You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin.  While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work.  You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin.  Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil.  Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE

While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty.  It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember.  He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems.  More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole.  Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly.  And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works.  If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.

#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.

We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good.  This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain.  Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were  actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe.  I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked.  Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.

#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?

Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present.  Done.  You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not.  B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing.  Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's.  Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing.  Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker.  You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever.  And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.

Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one.  You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains.  The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns.  I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing.  One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone.  He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.

Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo.  While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already.  You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar.  Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it.  I also enjoyed the always angry thing.  Also, the Hulk can fucking talk.  He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced.  There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit.  Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward.  Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie.  I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.

Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something?  I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage.  They'll probably be used fro universe building.  Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe?  I don't know.  Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman?  Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe. 

#4 - So who else are they going to do?
 First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie.  This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision.  As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually?  Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes.  I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America.  As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though.  I've also heard rumblings of  a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon?   Rambling aside, I think we're done here.

So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions.  The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently.   Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note.