The Trouble with Girls...and Boys...and Children in General...(Look nobody is going to get this reference but dammit that's the story of my life.)

About an hour ago I read this quote from Robert Langridge

I really don’t think Marvel and DC are helping things by having gritty, R-rated versions of their superheroes in their main comics – what they sell as the “real” versions – while simultaneously selling those exact same characters in kids’ comics and plastering them all over lunchboxes and animated cartoons… Casual readership by kids, or by parents for their kids, is effectively impossible the way things are currently structured. And I think the waters are muddied too far now to claw that ground back. I think it’s insane that DC have spent 70 years making Superman as big as Mickey Mouse, and branding him to be understood by parents as being pretty much as kid-friendly as Mickey Mouse, only to piss that brand away in a decade. Nothing wrong with doing mature content in comics – in fact, it should be encouraged as often as possible – but doing it with characters who are on your kids’ lunchboxes is kind of moronic. Take a lesson from Watchmen and come up with new characters for that stuff. And then go back to Superman and Batman and put the same kind of love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve been putting into all those rape scenes and body mutilations into something kids can read, and adults can also be proud to read because of all the love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve put into it, and make those the “real” versions.

—Roger Langridge, writer of the kid-friendly Thor: Mighty Avenger, which recently fell victim to just the attitude he is decrying. While he is perhaps best known for his work on BOOM! Studios’ Muppet Show comics, Langridge does plenty of more mature comics, too, but he always keeps his brands separate. The whole interview is well worth a read, as it covers Langridge’s career from his early days in New Zealand through his current work, from Knuckles, the Malevolent Nun to a new kid-friendly title for BOOM!

And it got me to thinking. Here are those thoughts...obviously:


I agree that something should be done to propagate a new generation of comic fans. Although frankly I want to say that the bigger issue is really that the direct market spinner racks have gone away. I mean when I started really reading comics as a kid in the late 80's/early 90's I could go get a copy of Punisher or X-Men at 7-11 on the way home from school. (I'm not counting my Star Comics and the old DC books that I'd read/draw on when I was 5. On a side note even as a young child I knew Vibe was terrible somehow.) Both of which actually featured a fair amount of on and off panel rape and mutilation if I'm not mistaken (mutilation typically on and rape typically off). And then when I was in 6th grade Image Comics started up and kids are getting their fingers cut off and glued to pieces of wood and literally every kid that read comics was picking them up and they had the action figures and the Venom figure wanted to eat my brains and nobody really seemed to care (except for the Venom figure. People did make a stink about that one.)

This was fine though. Because for the record the guilty couldn't escape the air kisses his machine gun fired.

But even before that there was one other questionable ass book that I read and that I had stuffed animals of yet still had a fair amount of mutilation and ogling and Cerebus: old school Eastman & Laird Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I mean the Shredder straight up murdered and raped people on panel and got crushed in a fucking trash compactor to wrap things up (like in the movie but gorier). And nobody at the store (the long since gone Geppi's Security or Catonsville maybe location) bated an eye or gave a shit. When I was 8 or 9 I remember going to the store with Grandmother in my Batman T-shirt and my Batman Chuck Taylor's and getting me a Batman comic...where the Joker ruthlessly and repeatedly beats Robin with a crowbar and then proceeds to blow up Robin and his mother. And do you know what happened in the next issue? Death by explosion that's what. And nobody cared.

Tappa-Tappa-Tappa

And do you want to know why? Because nobody wants to take any responsibility for their lax fucking parenting in this country any more. I mean seriously my parents let me watch HBO since I could turn a dial. My mother took me to go see Robocop 2 in theaters. I was 10 and it was awesome. They let me get all of the Mortal Kombat games when I was in middle school. And I had the best sleepover parties as a kid partly because they'd let us rent R-Rated movies. Or we could just watch the HBO. And here's the shocking part of it: I'm not a murderous sociopath. Do you know why? They took the time to instill the simplest of life lessons: you probably shouldn't rape and kill people or cut them up.

Christ I remember going over to a friend's house and listening to Appetite for Destruction on a Fisher Price tape player (we were literally 8) and we all turned out relatively fine all things considered.

And this was on the inside of the tape sleeve. Although in the 80's you couldn't turn around without seeing a woman who had been street raped by tagger robots.

It just seems that everyone wants to blame pop culture run amok for this unruly generation of micro bastards and baby prostitutes. And yes it certainly glamorizes it but at some point you've got to just say "No at my age we french kissed a boy that we liked. I mean we knew what rim jobs were in theory but nobody was brazen enough to be doling out the butt tongue. Certainly not at a 7th grade mixer if they were. I know that much Becky." So that's pretty much point A: comic books have been messed up for a while as far as content that is easily accessible to children. It's just that nobody cared because people took the five minutes to be like "Now Billy you know that you can't actually murder your way out of your problems right? "
"Yeah Dad. Good night."

Hell go read an old time fairy tale (now that I think of it) children have been exposed to murder and rape in fiction for centuries if not millenia with little to no incident.

Now back to specifically why children don't read comics that much these days. As I've already mentioned the spinner rack is now dead and gone which deprives our youth of easy access to funny books which leaves them one alternative: the comic books store.

While you can find them in finer strip malls the comic book store is kind of a mixed proposition for some I'd imagine. How do I put this delicately...a lot of weird mother fuckers hang out at comic book stores in addition to the 99% of the clientele that is perfectly affable. Here are a few of my favorites.

1) The crazy guy who always has rocks in his pockets and writes runes that are either in praise of or in the hopes of warding off Satan. We could never figure that out. He smells kind of funny and I wonder if the sores on his face are from syphilis or the wind. Also he is a real person that exists and not a caricature. Sometimes when he was the only customer and I was working in the old tiny isolated comic book store location (when it was next to the Chinese place) I would keep the axe handle that we used to prop the door open next to me. Simply put I was afraid that this dude was going to murder me; possibly for Satan.

2) The guy who mainly buys larger action figures of women with removable clothes. I have no idea where his many came from. I just knew that he liked to fuck dolls. Somehow. I'm never really figured out the physics of it. Dude liked naked dolls though. And would call about them constantly.

3) Junkies. They've got a bag of late 80's books. The books are loose. The bag has a faint undernote of urine. There is one randomly bagged and boarded book. It's like New Warriors #25. And they're incredulous when you don't hand them all of the cash in the register. Then off they go to go attempt to peddle their wares elsewhere via bus.

4) Casual perverts. Actually the main hentai guy at the shop I used to work at was pretty cool and we talked about the non-rape centered manga that he'd purchase and I think we both read Ultimate Spider-Man or something like that (Although Berserk still features a fair amount of it). The people who get the American porn comics tended to seem ashamed. The people who read Tarot just had bad taste. Haunted vaginas.

This is actually on the tame side for an A.G. cover. Also if you work in a comic book store don't casually flip through everything you find in people's boxes there are things you can't unsee.

I don't mention these individuals to vilify them. It's more so to state that yes they may be scaring off the normals. Although there's one more reason that the kids don't read the comics: They're terrifyingly insular.

Here's a fantastic example: when the first X-Men movie came out one of my friends asked me if I liked it. I said that I did. He then asked me what was technically inaccurate about the movie. This conversation lasted for half an hour. Actually it was a monologue of the most nit picky and inconsequential fun facts about X-men lore. But the thing is that this response is the default response when someone casually asks to have something about comic books explained.

In the comics Jean Grey never seems like Cyclops' sexy aunt

More recently a friend of mine asked me to explain what the deal was with Green Lantern rings. The other person in the room openly chided me for saying ridiculous sounding things for five minutes; he had every right to. Pretty much there typically aren't jumping on points for new readers in a lot of the flagship titles unless the status quo is being revamped. THe only issue with that is that half of the time the new status quo is kinda ass and has a 50/50 chance of getting retconned out of existence.

Let's try a modern example: Hold on the Hulk is red and Wonder Woman wears pants and 2 Hulks...3 Hulks? Wait one of them is his bastard son from his dead space girlfriend/ alien queen and Hulk's space bastard aged super quick because of a combo of gamma jizz/space rays. And the Red Hulk is Hulk's dead ex wife's father in law who faked his own death to avoid suspicion even though he was clearly seen being murdered by the Red Hulk which he is who was in turn murdering a robot duplicate. The technology to make this exact robo duplicate of course being discovered on top of the comatose body of I think history's greatest science bastard Sir Isaac Newton...I think. And no I didn't make any of that up. Also don't get me started on the 4th Hulk or the 3 She Hulks. Oh and apparently those shorts made Wonder Woman chafe or something. Look Wonder Woman will always be kinda lame.

(unless she's fighting an egg/Asian stereotype or in bondage)

So pretty much all I'm saying is this: observing sickening amounts of violence at any age is only going to be detrimental if someone doesn't explain the negative consequences to you or you're slow. Comic book stores are kind of terrifying to non-fans (start selling books and apparently baby clothes. People go ape shit for baby clothes even at a comic book store). The real issue facing the casual comic book reader may be the daunting and voluminous and oft contradictory and frequently silly exposition that leads into issue #578 of whatever a new reader is trying to pick up. And they should bring back spinner racks at finer convenience and food stores. That is all.

Top Nine Least Intimidating Iconic Comic Villains

The beauty of the top whatever list is that it is totally subjective. We read them on the internet and take them as cannon from upon high. Yet you can pretty much base them on a nebulous field of arbitrary metrics. I mean these are fictional characters that are written by a small army of creators for decades in some cases. With that in mind, and my natural proclivities towards the svengali lifestyle, I present you the reader with this definitive list of the least intimidating iconic comic book villains. Although we're going with nine because I'm lazy.

Now the reason that I am saying iconic comic book villains is that it would be entirely too easy to come up with a list of Mandrills and Boomerang themed villains to make a list of just plain old comic book villains. And that's why we'll begin with a semi shocking number 9.

# 9 - The Joker

The Joker, as everyone in most civilized nations knows, is the premier Bat villain. He provides a perfect foil for the cool and calculating Bruce Wayne by fundamentally countering him with a degree of organized chaos. Yet when we think of his main accomplishments, we think of killing Jason Todd and paralyzing Barbara Gordon - Robin 2 and Batgirl respectively. Fundamentally, he's a way more likable Joe Jackson because he's famous for beating kids.

In fairness, Jason Todd does suck pretty hard.

Secondly, there is the infamous boner issue. I think nothing more needs to be said that cannot already be taken from the source material. Having read he issue in its entirety the only thing that is missing is the phrase, "I will literally choke the Batman with all of these delicious boners."

No caption joke will top this. I don't know; think about your favorite Tobias Funke quote and imagine that you're reading that.

The next point is that before there was Harley Quinn there was this guy: Gagsworth A. Gagsworthy.

Break yo'self Pierrot le fou.

He dresses like Pagliocci, and his powerset involves headbutting Robin in the tender vittles. Granted he only appeared once before being dusted off a year ago, but he's a midget dressed like Pagliocci that headbutts Robin in the midsection.

# 8 Venom

When I was a boy, the undisputed niftiest talking Marvel figure was Venom because of his vocal and unabashed devotion to brain eating. (Not in the way Nicki Minaj intends to.) Now while Venom is a beloved character, he's on this list for a few reasons. Number one being that he went from a cannibal to a lunatic anti hero in the 90's. And lunatic anti heroes never work.

He's everywhere you want to be.

The main reason though is that while we think of Venom most people think of Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan, but, in actuality, the symbiote is a bit of a whore. In total there have been seven people that have been taken over by the symbiote without including the brief Venoms such as Franklin Richards. And there is nothing more disturbing in Spider-Man comics than this image.

That's going on my boner jams '11 post.

Finally, Venom is on this list because it's a product of the 90's really. He even went as far as to quote Homey the Clown in the final issue of "Maximum Carnage". Oh, and he's on here for never really getting closer to winning than a hundred year old czarist with a lion vest.



#7 - Magneto

He used to dress like this in the 80's.

We also would have accepted a joke about the aerobics movie "Perfection".

Now aside from rocking a gigantic M on his chest and resembling an extra from "Satan's Alley", Magneto is on this list for a few major reasons. Aside from his sartorial failings, Magneto finds his way onto the list for being not really that evil all things considered. He switches teams more frequently than Lindsay Lohan as he is currently back with the X-men. (the funny book Samantha Ronson it seems)

Granted, he has tried to take over the planet a few times, but he usually fucks up or is revealed to actually be a Chinese guy with a star for a head's evil twin who also has a star for a head. Also...he made a robot nanny for some reason and made out with the Wasp which is more puzzling than anything else.

Retcon: Because dammit I can't leave well enough alone.

He's an eighty year old holocaust survivor that was turned into a baby and then re-aged to his physical peak. He has time and again created an isolated mutant paradise and time and again found a way to totally biff it. Fake star head Magneto was felled in part by a man chicken mutant with a serious learning disability. So that's why Magneto is on here: he's not terribly evil all things considered.

#6 - Lex Luthor

While an iconic arch villain of the highest caliber, Luthor, who is oft lauded for his mental adroitness, has generated his own share of monumental boners. As a super scientist who perennially goes up against what is fundamentally a space god rendered as a man one wold imagine that he would be fairly adept with science. That said, one would imagine that he would know of the effects of wearing a ring made out of radioactive space rock for years. That he would know that he would eventually get cancer from it and then have to fake his death to put his brain in a clone body and that he would then have to pretend to be his own Aussie bastard son and speak in a fake Australian accent. After being trapped inside a self made prison of rapidly decaying clone carrion, Luthor would return to the land of the mobile in traditional comic book fashion: pact with not Satan.

After his brief period of demonic supplication, he would make the move that many real world types who have made a pact with Beelzebub-lite would: He would become president. Now what would an effective villain do in a seat of power to truly destabilize things? Would he say launch a global war under false pretenses? Would he not care about black people? Would he eventually get all juiced up on a steroid/kryptonite mix and rampage in the streets? If you guessed the last one you would be correct.

Had a higher approval rating in the power suit than Bush did.

And to top it off Luthor can currently be seen in the starring role of the frankly fantastic Action Comics...banging a robot Lois Lane. It works in the comic although I'm kind of surprised that nobody has made any "Lars and the Real Girl" jokes. Also, he used to reside on a planet called Lexor. This has nothing to do with diminishing his evil quotient; it's just a tad convenient. Oh and as a fun side note he's appeared in slightly more comic books that our very real current president.

Still slightly less evil than real Sarah Palin

#5 - Apocalypse

He's got a giant A on his belt in case he ever forgets his name. More importantly he has had 5000 years to...constantly get beaten. In the future, he gets beaten by a teen Cable. In the 80's, he got beaten by the old school X-Men who were operating as X-Factor at the time (with the help of Power Pack. For those who don't know Power Pack is comprised entirely of super powered 8 year olds.) He gets beaten by a clone of Cable. He mind hops into the body of Cyclops and gets beaten by Jean Grey and then his astral form gets nut punched by an adult Cable. While constantly losing is the hallmark of most malefactors, it's the manner in which most of these happens that places him on here.

However, C is still very much for cookie.

Mainly, he creates his own antagonists. He empowers old timey geneticist Nathaniel Essex into the subtly sobriqueted Mr. Sinister, who turns on him and creates the Jean Grey clone/brood mare Madelyne Pryor who births his arch nemesis Cable. Apocalypse in turn infects Cable with a techno organic virus that necessitates Cable being sent to the future...where he kills Apocalypse. In this future though Apocalypse attempts to transfer his consciousness into Cable's clone Stryfe. This plan goes tits up when Stryfe goes back in time (Sans a sweat ass Huey Lewis soundtrack) and kills Apocalypse...kinda. Most famously, Apocalypse grafted bad ass robot wings to a wingless Warren Worthington and also put Adamantium back on Wolverine's bones. Currently, the two are in the phenomenal "Uncanny X-Force"...trying to kill a child clone of Apocalypse.

If they really wanted to make him suffer they'd take him out after the last day of middle school.

#4 - Darkseid

Simply put for an ageless embodiment of deistic malfeasance he spends a lot of time doing seemingly pointless things on Earth. His ignoble start came in the insane/brilliant 4th world opus of Jack Kirby where he was first featured in the pages of Jimmy Olsen where he was supplying guns to mobsters. The part of this that I find odd is that here we have a nearly invulnerable space God selling guns to mobsters. (although in fairness the Monitor who...uh monitored the multiverse got his start in the same way.)

And that's really the main theme running throughout this waylaying of the character: for a nearly omnipotent space God he spends a lot of time slumming on Earth. The most recent example is found in the criminally underrated "Final Crisis". In the crossover, Darkseid finally wins when the Anti Life Equation is unleashed on an unsuspecting Earth. Before that though Darkseid and his cadre of dark gods survived the unrepentantly assy "Death of the New Gods" by coming back as kinda dated urban stereotypes. Glorious Godfrey came back as Al Sharpton...again. And Granny Goodness came back as Missy Elliott in the "Ladies Night" video (I had to think of a video from that epoch when she was not wearing a trash bag or dressed as Mega Man.) Darkseid returns as Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction". Now what do you do when you've cheated death after having your heart ripped out by your son? If your answer was make teenagers fight in a nightclub you are on your way to being a space tyrant.

"You and me are straight but you've lost your New Atlantis privileges Aqualad."

The final reason that Darkseid is on the list at the number four spot is that when he did murder his son with a backward firing time bullet he did it somewhere where Batman could find it which eventually lead to his circuitous downfall. (Don't worry the real villain was an entropic pan dimensional vampire.) In concert with that, his final final plan that also hinged on outwitting Batman (in an entertaining fashion that would be even more convoluted sounding frankly.) Nobody outwits the Batman...even Rainbow Batman.

In the Golden Age he used to say that criminals were a fearful and color blind lot.

#3 - Sabretooth

Precious few like the character Sabretooth as much as I do. Every time I meet a blond I stand in front of her, snap my fingers, and yell out "Birdy!" If she does not proceed to pull out an excessively cumbersome machine gun that shoots out three slow moving square bullets, I move on with my day. Ridiculously outdated in-jokes aside; Sabretooth is on this list for one reason: he's a fucking Highlander and he once lost to Power Pack. Yes the litmus test for super villains is whether or not they are bested by a group of juiced up 8 year olds. If you can think of better criteria, I'd like to hear them. (Also never do a google search for images of Power Pack. Just trust me on that one.)

The worst part in all of this is that the only thing on this cover you'll never see again in a Marvel comic book is the lit cigarette.

Now onto the Highlander portion of this - It's been revealed that Wolverine and Sabretooth belong to some subset of wolf people. They're not mutants, and they can only be killed by getting decapitated by a magic sword that's forged from a shard of Wolverine's soul. Now if that sounds like the premise to some sort of Highlander themed Kingdom Hearts then you and I are on the same page as sad as that is.

It doesn't help that he also started dressing like an extra from "Hair" at the end of it all.

The other reason that Sabretooth is on here is that well he's kind of a bitch. He's been a lackey for Mister Sinister for much of his career and in his solo efforts he's often getting taken out by everyone from Ms. Marvel to Iron Fist. He was represented as being borderline exceptional (read the R word) in the first X-men film. And his Ultimate incarnation was adroitly referred to as a budget Wolverine. Also, he's mainly famous for killing regular ass people on the side while doing some super villainy. And when he was unceremoniously decapitated was when he was seeing a bit of a revitalization in Mike Carey's run on X-men adjectiveless.

#2 - Mephisto

Now while a lot of the uninitiated may be scratching their heads as to why a villain they've never heard of is on here; let me make this simple: He's Satan...kinda. And they don't get more iconic than that. Besides, all the fanboys know why he's on here: One More Day.

It is actually sillier than this. I shit you not.

In One More Day, Satan pretty much erases Spider Man's marriage because comic book fans could relate to a man with Spider powers but not one with a banging ginger wife. So he saves Aunt May's life and totally change the status quo in exchange for the love shared between Peter and MJ, and he's Satan. If anything you'd think that if he was trying to create true suffering in the world he'd prolong marriages indefinitely. (Snare drum and comment about the pepper steak to follow)

"Fine." - Spider-Man as played by 1 out of 2 married Americans.

Aside from that, it's the standard case of creating his own enemies (Ghost Rider), being fairly ineffectual at Satan-ing (See above), and possibly being an evil cave mutant that mutated into the concept of Satan as some sort of inborn mutation that is triggered by man's natural place in the universe guarding the asexually reproduced fetus of a race of space Gods that take eons to gestate and mature. (It's totally out of continuity..maybe)



#1 - Dr. Doom

While he may lay down the sickest rhymes, he still tops this list due to myriad reasons. For the sake of brevity only the key ones shall be discussed. First among them: he's the biggest "mama's boy" in all of comics. In fact, without his near zealot levels of mommy need he wouldn't even be Dr. Doom in the first place because he never would have constructed the Hell viewing machine to communicate with his dead mom. He has also gone as far to travel to the realm in attempts to rectify the situation.

Just because it's awesome dammit.

When he isn't engaging in sense shattering oedipal action, he's busy saving Christmas. Long story short Doom shoots down Santa and is then tasked with completing his rounds of gift giving and cookie thieving. Which is actually the antithesis of evil. For an encore, he and the Black Panther examined the true meaning of Kwanzaa.

Fought Hannukah Harry to a standstill though.

This one may be kind of a low blow given that he is a fictional character and as such occasionally serves in a misguided metaphorical capacity, but this bears examination due to the inanity of the proposed rhetorical impact: He cried at Ground Zero. Now, it's certainly the most resonant moment in modern American history, but he's a cartoon murderer/ terrorist. He spends much of his time attempting to destabilize regions with little care for collateral damage. Pretty much, it's yet another attempt to ham fist current real world events into a stylized and fictional world. When handled in such an awkward fashion, it trivializes these very real events because it renders them within a realm of very unreal consequences; as this is a universe in which death is merely a hiccup. From a character standpoint it makes the sovereign of Latveria kind of look like a bitch all things considered because as Kanye West would put it "HE'S FUCKING EVIL." If taken as in continuity, I feel that his interactions with Norman Osborn in their cabal would have read as such:

Dr. Doom - Norman given our position of unparalleled power I feel that this vendetta you're carrying out against Spider-Man is little more than a schoolyard skirmish or bathroom wiener measurement contest.

Norman Osborn - Of course you'd say that. you were after all featured on CNN crying like a bitch. Would you care for Ms. Hand ordering you a wahburger and french cries from Five Guys? Or would you prefer that instead of taking out Spider-Man we take out Dr. McDreamy for toying with Meredith's emotions for the past few seasons?

It gets me every time. She remembers who she is for just a second after they read that notebook. Be strong Doom. Be strong...

And in closing there's the fact of Dr. Doom's most embarrassing losses. The first one is the case of Doom stiffing Hero for Hire Luke Cage out of about $800. Granted this was the 1970's and Cage may have needed tiara polish. Anyway, the plot of the issue is that Luke Cage borrows the Fantasticar, raises hell through the sleepy fake nation of Latveria, and gets his money without choking nary a bitch and fighting Doom to a relative standstill. The reason that I mention this is that he could also use the money to pay his nanny Squirrel Girl...who also bested Doom once. And is like Aquaman, but she talks to squirrels. She's an ideal foil to the dogs from "Up" I guess and has a tail and gigantic teeth. That is all.

Quake with fear!

And Then There Were 3 - Death and the Modern American Funnybook

And we're back after a year and a half hiatus. A few things have happened since last we spoke. Lost went off the air in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Everything changed in DC and Marvel comics. I went to SDCC last year and got to play Marcap 3 and meet some industry types and do some general starfucking. I got a new job which I'm at right this very moment. The comma and period keys broke on my computer, and I have to copy paste in periods. From now on there will be sparse usage of the comma. Bu that's not why you've trundled here via a poorly executed Google search. No no. You've careered into fanboy loathing. We must destroy what we love...I don't think I can actually sound more creepily predatory while talking about comics so...let's have at it then.

It's a well known fact that the concept of death in the comic book is as abused a trope as the coma/ coma fantasy in the soap opera or the tweener (neutral good character not a 12 year old) in professional wrestling. From Jean Grey to Donna Troy we have witnessed characters being expunged and resurrected with a startling rapidity. After a typically heroic death (sacrificing oneself to save the planet yadda yadda) or succumbing to some shockingly pedestrian real world hot button malady (Fight with Magneto?...nope slow battle with cliche AIDS metaphor), we move on to the lugubrious farewell issue only to see the character come back in some such ridiculous fashion.

Yep me and the Chinese government got over on you in a very roundabout fashion

Now that the uninitiated have been familiarized with the basic schemes and tropes, we can move on to the current slow news cycle event going on in Fantastic Four.

So who's going to die?


Invisible Woman -

This was easily the classiest rendering I could find.

Nope. Doesn't really fit into the story that well. And this isn't Lost, so you don't have to kill a woman to bump up the emotional impact for the audience. Most of us grew up with the characters, and they're as large a part of Americana as any other super team, so you don't really have to go with the shock kill. Also, that's a massive downer. Here's how every issue would break down:

Panel 1 - Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Human Torch, a rocked up Sharon Ventura (80's lady Thing), Valeria, and Franklin are in the Fantasticar at the edge of a swirling mass of negative zone particles. They are watching the act of creation as this protoplasmic broth is birthing a new reality. A baby universe is unfolding in front of them; they are looking at something never gazed upon by human eyes.

Reed - Isn't this amazing Franklin? We literally have box seats at an event only thought to be viewed by the Gods of old? We are here at the bleeding edge of reality soaking in events of universal significance. Even an errant fart could cause a cataclysmic ripple through this baby universe. Yes, one misplaced fart could be more devastating then 1,000 Hitlers.

Franklin - That's neat. I really wish my mom wasn't dead.

Human Torch -

I originally thought it was a Fire Island Goku costume.

Probably not. Granted, the argument has been made that he hasn't died before in the book. The fact that this is a viable argument really speaks more to my earlier statements about the meaningless of death in the medium. Also, he'd be the easiest to replace. Grab Firestorm or the other Human Torch if he's still around. Simply put, nobody would care as much. The character hasn't really seen a heightened level of prominence (Fonzie status) since the 60's really.


Mr. Fantastic -

It controls the universe and keeps the pimphand strong.

Very likely. Firstly, most of Hickman's arc has been pretty Reed centric. There was the arc about the league of Reed Richardses. He's featured prominently in other titles as part of the deus ex machina brain trust with Tony Stark and Hank "White Chris Brown" Pym. The death of the character would actually have an impact on the rest of the fictional landscape. And given that there was a story arc with a bunch of other hims; it'd be incredibly easy to bring the character back. Here's how it would go

Panel - Doctor Doom is now knocked unconscious in front of Thing, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and let's say Deadpool (he's everywhere you want to be). The shadowy figure behind him is revealed to be none other than Reed Richards.

Thing - Oh my God. We thought you'd died. We were so broken up over things and...things happened. Pretty much you, me, and Suzie needs to talk because once you go orange rock penis you never go back. Look, nothing rhymes with orange stretch-o. But, how'd you get here elastic slacks?

Mr. Fantastic - Another Reed Richards put me in a giant hamster ball made out of I don't know unobtainum or some such bullshit. Also, I knew about you and my whore wife because I made a magic divorce pact with Satan to become more relatable to our socially undesirable readers. I'm totally banging Dazzler now... tesseract.

The Thing -

Finally, a Big Ben that won't get accused of rape.

Regrettably, that's probably a bingo. Actually, it's just bingo. Now granted from a story based perspective Reed Richards makes the most sense. The book has become more Reed-centric than usual of late, but here's the thing: comics are about giving you a puppy and then murdering it in front of you and then bringing the puppy back right before your eyes. They're like apocryphal child Jesus in that respect. And let's face it, The Thing is most people's favorite member of the FF, and he's the one that is mentioned most frequently in other mediums given his beloved catchphrase. (Although I personally prefer, "It's the smashing hour.") Now aside from that, the other reason that you kill off Ben Grimm is that he's featured in New Avengers. That way you can get the tribute issue in FF, and you can get the tribute in New Avengers. The other reason, as first pointed out by the incomparable Rich Johnston, is that he's the only character featured in artwork for upcoming Marvel books and there are two Thing related collections coming out in March. So that's really it. The Thing is probably going to die because who'd care about anyone else dying who isn't already going to put up their comic dollar to read FF? Although it saddens me to see the world down another Jewish super hero. Now all we've got is Kitty Pryde and Sabra in the Marvel U, and Sabra don't roll on Shabbos.

And in closing: Flash Thompson is obviously the new Venom