The Trouble with Girls...and Boys...and Children in General...(Look nobody is going to get this reference but dammit that's the story of my life.)

About an hour ago I read this quote from Robert Langridge

I really don’t think Marvel and DC are helping things by having gritty, R-rated versions of their superheroes in their main comics – what they sell as the “real” versions – while simultaneously selling those exact same characters in kids’ comics and plastering them all over lunchboxes and animated cartoons… Casual readership by kids, or by parents for their kids, is effectively impossible the way things are currently structured. And I think the waters are muddied too far now to claw that ground back. I think it’s insane that DC have spent 70 years making Superman as big as Mickey Mouse, and branding him to be understood by parents as being pretty much as kid-friendly as Mickey Mouse, only to piss that brand away in a decade. Nothing wrong with doing mature content in comics – in fact, it should be encouraged as often as possible – but doing it with characters who are on your kids’ lunchboxes is kind of moronic. Take a lesson from Watchmen and come up with new characters for that stuff. And then go back to Superman and Batman and put the same kind of love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve been putting into all those rape scenes and body mutilations into something kids can read, and adults can also be proud to read because of all the love and effort and craft and intelligence you’ve put into it, and make those the “real” versions.

—Roger Langridge, writer of the kid-friendly Thor: Mighty Avenger, which recently fell victim to just the attitude he is decrying. While he is perhaps best known for his work on BOOM! Studios’ Muppet Show comics, Langridge does plenty of more mature comics, too, but he always keeps his brands separate. The whole interview is well worth a read, as it covers Langridge’s career from his early days in New Zealand through his current work, from Knuckles, the Malevolent Nun to a new kid-friendly title for BOOM!

And it got me to thinking. Here are those thoughts...obviously:


I agree that something should be done to propagate a new generation of comic fans. Although frankly I want to say that the bigger issue is really that the direct market spinner racks have gone away. I mean when I started really reading comics as a kid in the late 80's/early 90's I could go get a copy of Punisher or X-Men at 7-11 on the way home from school. (I'm not counting my Star Comics and the old DC books that I'd read/draw on when I was 5. On a side note even as a young child I knew Vibe was terrible somehow.) Both of which actually featured a fair amount of on and off panel rape and mutilation if I'm not mistaken (mutilation typically on and rape typically off). And then when I was in 6th grade Image Comics started up and kids are getting their fingers cut off and glued to pieces of wood and literally every kid that read comics was picking them up and they had the action figures and the Venom figure wanted to eat my brains and nobody really seemed to care (except for the Venom figure. People did make a stink about that one.)

This was fine though. Because for the record the guilty couldn't escape the air kisses his machine gun fired.

But even before that there was one other questionable ass book that I read and that I had stuffed animals of yet still had a fair amount of mutilation and ogling and Cerebus: old school Eastman & Laird Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I mean the Shredder straight up murdered and raped people on panel and got crushed in a fucking trash compactor to wrap things up (like in the movie but gorier). And nobody at the store (the long since gone Geppi's Security or Catonsville maybe location) bated an eye or gave a shit. When I was 8 or 9 I remember going to the store with Grandmother in my Batman T-shirt and my Batman Chuck Taylor's and getting me a Batman comic...where the Joker ruthlessly and repeatedly beats Robin with a crowbar and then proceeds to blow up Robin and his mother. And do you know what happened in the next issue? Death by explosion that's what. And nobody cared.

Tappa-Tappa-Tappa

And do you want to know why? Because nobody wants to take any responsibility for their lax fucking parenting in this country any more. I mean seriously my parents let me watch HBO since I could turn a dial. My mother took me to go see Robocop 2 in theaters. I was 10 and it was awesome. They let me get all of the Mortal Kombat games when I was in middle school. And I had the best sleepover parties as a kid partly because they'd let us rent R-Rated movies. Or we could just watch the HBO. And here's the shocking part of it: I'm not a murderous sociopath. Do you know why? They took the time to instill the simplest of life lessons: you probably shouldn't rape and kill people or cut them up.

Christ I remember going over to a friend's house and listening to Appetite for Destruction on a Fisher Price tape player (we were literally 8) and we all turned out relatively fine all things considered.

And this was on the inside of the tape sleeve. Although in the 80's you couldn't turn around without seeing a woman who had been street raped by tagger robots.

It just seems that everyone wants to blame pop culture run amok for this unruly generation of micro bastards and baby prostitutes. And yes it certainly glamorizes it but at some point you've got to just say "No at my age we french kissed a boy that we liked. I mean we knew what rim jobs were in theory but nobody was brazen enough to be doling out the butt tongue. Certainly not at a 7th grade mixer if they were. I know that much Becky." So that's pretty much point A: comic books have been messed up for a while as far as content that is easily accessible to children. It's just that nobody cared because people took the five minutes to be like "Now Billy you know that you can't actually murder your way out of your problems right? "
"Yeah Dad. Good night."

Hell go read an old time fairy tale (now that I think of it) children have been exposed to murder and rape in fiction for centuries if not millenia with little to no incident.

Now back to specifically why children don't read comics that much these days. As I've already mentioned the spinner rack is now dead and gone which deprives our youth of easy access to funny books which leaves them one alternative: the comic books store.

While you can find them in finer strip malls the comic book store is kind of a mixed proposition for some I'd imagine. How do I put this delicately...a lot of weird mother fuckers hang out at comic book stores in addition to the 99% of the clientele that is perfectly affable. Here are a few of my favorites.

1) The crazy guy who always has rocks in his pockets and writes runes that are either in praise of or in the hopes of warding off Satan. We could never figure that out. He smells kind of funny and I wonder if the sores on his face are from syphilis or the wind. Also he is a real person that exists and not a caricature. Sometimes when he was the only customer and I was working in the old tiny isolated comic book store location (when it was next to the Chinese place) I would keep the axe handle that we used to prop the door open next to me. Simply put I was afraid that this dude was going to murder me; possibly for Satan.

2) The guy who mainly buys larger action figures of women with removable clothes. I have no idea where his many came from. I just knew that he liked to fuck dolls. Somehow. I'm never really figured out the physics of it. Dude liked naked dolls though. And would call about them constantly.

3) Junkies. They've got a bag of late 80's books. The books are loose. The bag has a faint undernote of urine. There is one randomly bagged and boarded book. It's like New Warriors #25. And they're incredulous when you don't hand them all of the cash in the register. Then off they go to go attempt to peddle their wares elsewhere via bus.

4) Casual perverts. Actually the main hentai guy at the shop I used to work at was pretty cool and we talked about the non-rape centered manga that he'd purchase and I think we both read Ultimate Spider-Man or something like that (Although Berserk still features a fair amount of it). The people who get the American porn comics tended to seem ashamed. The people who read Tarot just had bad taste. Haunted vaginas.

This is actually on the tame side for an A.G. cover. Also if you work in a comic book store don't casually flip through everything you find in people's boxes there are things you can't unsee.

I don't mention these individuals to vilify them. It's more so to state that yes they may be scaring off the normals. Although there's one more reason that the kids don't read the comics: They're terrifyingly insular.

Here's a fantastic example: when the first X-Men movie came out one of my friends asked me if I liked it. I said that I did. He then asked me what was technically inaccurate about the movie. This conversation lasted for half an hour. Actually it was a monologue of the most nit picky and inconsequential fun facts about X-men lore. But the thing is that this response is the default response when someone casually asks to have something about comic books explained.

In the comics Jean Grey never seems like Cyclops' sexy aunt

More recently a friend of mine asked me to explain what the deal was with Green Lantern rings. The other person in the room openly chided me for saying ridiculous sounding things for five minutes; he had every right to. Pretty much there typically aren't jumping on points for new readers in a lot of the flagship titles unless the status quo is being revamped. THe only issue with that is that half of the time the new status quo is kinda ass and has a 50/50 chance of getting retconned out of existence.

Let's try a modern example: Hold on the Hulk is red and Wonder Woman wears pants and 2 Hulks...3 Hulks? Wait one of them is his bastard son from his dead space girlfriend/ alien queen and Hulk's space bastard aged super quick because of a combo of gamma jizz/space rays. And the Red Hulk is Hulk's dead ex wife's father in law who faked his own death to avoid suspicion even though he was clearly seen being murdered by the Red Hulk which he is who was in turn murdering a robot duplicate. The technology to make this exact robo duplicate of course being discovered on top of the comatose body of I think history's greatest science bastard Sir Isaac Newton...I think. And no I didn't make any of that up. Also don't get me started on the 4th Hulk or the 3 She Hulks. Oh and apparently those shorts made Wonder Woman chafe or something. Look Wonder Woman will always be kinda lame.

(unless she's fighting an egg/Asian stereotype or in bondage)

So pretty much all I'm saying is this: observing sickening amounts of violence at any age is only going to be detrimental if someone doesn't explain the negative consequences to you or you're slow. Comic book stores are kind of terrifying to non-fans (start selling books and apparently baby clothes. People go ape shit for baby clothes even at a comic book store). The real issue facing the casual comic book reader may be the daunting and voluminous and oft contradictory and frequently silly exposition that leads into issue #578 of whatever a new reader is trying to pick up. And they should bring back spinner racks at finer convenience and food stores. That is all.

Fanboy loathing: The ten (maybe) most irksome things (and comic store horror stories)

#1) Look junkies: nobody wants to buy your fucking comic books. It's really that simple. If I have to look at one more piss scented copy of Midnight Sons #1 I'm going to choke somebody. Seriously, people, unless it's from 1975 or earlier or it's a big deal issue i.e. somebody dies, first appearance, is a 1:100 variant nobody is going to want it. Or go sell it on ebay. Put the buy it now price as heroin. (The store is in Baltimore and...it's Baltimore...Heron capitol of the east coast.) Also, to that same end...

#2) Just because you are calling a comic book store I, personally, do not know how much your comic book is worth. If I had a dollar for every person who called in to ask how much X book (sometimes it is an X-book) or books is worth , well, I'd probably be able to go to Morton's or buy a DSi. Go buy a copy of Overstreet. Or pay us money for appraisal. As in I will read Overstreet for you and you will pay me for the service. As well as give an accurate appraisal of the book's condition.

#3) Should have been number one to me...STOP PUTTING BARACK OBAMA ON COVERS. Mainly Wizard. Yes, people will buy anything with Obama on it. Yes, Obama is featured on two pages (he likes Spider-Man and owns a Wii). But goddamn is that a shallow ploy to increase sales on, frankly, a dying publication that is slowly being needled into obselessence. The man's the first black president...not chromium. Stop using the man like chromium. Look, if it's a comic, and it's not a blatant sales ploy (Like that Savage Dragon endorsement issue that eventually turned into a speculation juggernaut) that's fine. If the story isn't hastily thrown together shit that's fine too. If it's a calcualted sales ploy or hastily thrown together shit, well, stop. But you won't. And I'm hard pressed to think of a comic that would really benefit from an Obama crossover. Unless Obama, Rocket Racer and Night Thrasher are doling out skateboard justice. That's a freebie.

#4) How come the shit books are the ones that always come out on time, more or less? Ultimates 2: a full year in between issues. Supergirl: oh, it'll be there like fucking clockwork. Old Man Logan: slight delays. Young X-Men: I swear Mussilini was editing it because it always ran on time. Food for thought. Although plenty of shitty books take their sweet time with it too, and yes, it's all objective. And yes, one man's shitty is another man's less shitty.

#5) Do I need this many spin offs? Yes, some of them are actually pretty decent. And yes, I should have some restraint, but damn there are a lot of spin off minis these days. Remember the 90's.

#6) Stop putting Halo: Uprising #4 in the solicits. I have been doing the numbers for this issue sporadically for about a year now. It just shows up every week for a month or two and then goes back into the ether with the rest of the JMS run on Squadron Supreme (why must I suffer like this? I meant the JMS never coming out. I could really care less about the Halo) I will say though on it's behalf that they did the best they could with the "rich and original" Halo mythos. What? The games were about as generic sci-fi as they get. The fact that the book is even engaging is a triumph. Although, I think they may have missed their window...the game came out almost two years ago.

#7) Way to ruin zombies. It was cool at first. Zombie Hulk eats somebody turns back into Zombie Banner and a guy bursts out because of the size differential. Walking Dead is a solid read. Crossed is a novel approach, and they're not really zombies. But goddamn the glut of zombie books over the last couple of years is just ridiculous. Really the point I'm making is that I don't want zombies to meet the same fate as ninjas, or Chuck Norris. Just because the horse doesn't stay dead dosn't mean you should keep beating it.

#8) Stop making me describe things in Previews to you over the phone. No more need be written.

#9) You shouldn't drastically alter the status quo more then once every two years. Marvel is doing it right. Initiative ran its course and Dark Reign is going fine so far. It's actually kind of more entertaining across the board. Granted, more engaging books were created in it's wake: Dark Avengers > New Warriors. And seeing as most newly minted titles have a 5-10 month (not issue) window before the casual fan drops it (I see it happen literally every wednesday): it's a good idea to go for a bi-annual shake up seeing as the survivors may need to draw fickle fans back in.

#10) Yeah, um, how do I put this delicately...can I get some more words in my books? If I'm paying three to four bucks it should take me more then three to four minutes to read it. Sometimes a quick read is satisfying. If the book has great art or no word is wasted. Sometimes it works with the pacing. Most times it feels like you're actually reading a sixth of a story (because you are). That's all I'm saying. It's definitely not across the board, but damn. You know who you are. Peace.

A day late, and probably short. comic reviews and predictions for 3/25/09

Wednesday is easily my favorite day of the week. Sundays are a lot better now because of the High Tops shows. And that one Friday a month for Bar Bacon is also a favorite. But Wednesdays always bring me the big satisfaction of new comics, to bitch about, and a new Lost, to bitch about...and make excited sound effects during. I sound like a fucking geisha when I watch that show. What with my high pitched squeals and shrieks. It must be frustrating.

New Avengers #51 - It's cute. It's real cute. From the Coma Girl to the Wiccan/Strange moments the book bubbles up with the cute. I actually mean that as a compliment. Long story short, good character moments and a smooth transtition from arc to arc is what's in the book. And it's a good thing. I still don't care for Billy Tan's pencils, but Immomen (SP?) is coming. Look you could have a ten year old with a learning disability, or me (I'd be worse...I draw for shit), on pencils and it would still be a top seller.

Mighty Avengers #23 - The last page reveal is almost worth the price of admission. That said, this is the most Avengers-y book you will read. It's got the old school villians, wierd line-up and Jarvis that the old school fans want. I was more of an X book kid, but who wasn't, so some of the charm is slightly lost on me. That said my more recent turns towards obsessive fanning have allowed me to gain more of an appreciation. I like Dan Slott, but I'm going to give it another arc before assing judgment on it's continued reading.

Avengers the Initiative: Reptil: Nothing that wrong with the book as far as art or writing, but I could care less. It's just that simple. I have literally nothing more to say. It's servicable, but may be solely for completists. That's really it.

ASM #589 - A pretty good one and done. And those don't really pop up that much in the era of writing for trades. The art is solid. The humor works as well as it ever does. And...yeah. Perfectly good one and done. Not going to change the world, but you could do a lot worse.

Iron Fist #24 - Another damn fine one and done. Granted, I always hate when they break up the arcs like this, but I get two Iron Fists in a month so it works. Sadly, the book is done after #27 so.... I will say, yet again, the guy who writes this book (I am not goint to try and spell that name) did a damn fine job doing what looked to be the impossible and keep the quality up. Good stuff. You will be missed.

Crossed #4 - A solid twist on the zombie concept. And also, a book that would probably gross out the vast majority of people. What with all of the ass rape and cannibalism. Yep. They're kind of zombies, but way more twisted. That's it. Ennis at his Ennisiest. Says it all. Good pacing and tension as well. Just throwing that in there. It's not all about people eating and forced soddomy here.

Squadron Supreme # 9 - Yup. This book has been on kind of a down turn since the start of the reboot. I get the whole "Let's throw in the Marvel analogues" thing, but the point of the book was moreso "DC analogues dealing with slightly more realistic geo-politics." Not straight up cape and tightery. That said, I prefer the original direction and tone. And, Gary Frank is a tough act to follow. Supreme is on borrowed time with the pull list.

FF # 565 - It took me literally three minutes to read this from cover to cover. It's not dreadful. And the Cthulu-esque thing looks neat, but it's kind of a forgettable little story thrown in as a palete cleanser between arcs. Quaint looking villagers with a horrifying secret plotline with jet packs and the Thing. As far as those stories go it's a decent one because of the team, but it isn't on the same level as the rest of the run.

Messiah War 1 shot - Thus continues my love/hate relationship with X-Force. I love that they bring back obscure characters that the casual fan has to ask me about at the store (because I'm petty). At the same time, a lot of those characters are forgotten for a very good reason. I love the overall mean spiritdness of the whole Marvel line post Ellis on Thunderbolts. But, I hate the fact that certain characters are only written that way in this book. I love the interactions with Vanisher, but I still think he looks silly. Anyway, um, right. They are certainly going places with this one. Actually this whole Messiah mishegasse (SP.)/ revisionist history thing started out as a cool idea. But...Stryfe. He's been dead since I was in middle school, and with good reason. People hated him then. Apocolypse? He fought Dracula for fucksake. He was originally going to be The Owl for fucksake. He's a really vaguely defined character who hails from the school of generic 80's design. He's got a giant A on his belt in case he looses it. And that's it, really. The problem that I have with this book is on a plotting level. And that my main concern is that I don't think that the creators behind it haven't been able to seperate nostalgia and quality creations from each other. If Whiz Kid shows up with his magic wheelchair to save the day I'm done.

Guardians of the Galaxy # 12 - Still a damn fine book. I didn't have a problem with the C story that other outlets did. It's a solid read.

Captain America #48 - It is the most consistently engaging book published since it's relaunch. It's got a great continuing narrative. IT consistently has great, fitting, art. And it's got characterization to spare. If you read cape and tight books you should read this one. And it's actually gotten better with Bucky at the helm.

Thunderbolts #130 - Deadpool is the new Wolverine. Plain and simple. I just had to throw that out there. Um, it's alright. I prefer Paco Medina's art in the Deadpool monthly, but the art here is fine. Thunderbolts B is still pretty good. No, it's not as good as the Ellis/Deadoto book, but it's still a fairly entertaining read every month. The bar was pretty high going in and I think they're doing a pretty good job keeping things up there as far as quality. It's middle of the road. Fun, and still getting pulled.

X-Infernus #4 - This could have been done in 2 issues or a 5 dollar one shot. That's the problem. There just wasn't enough story here to justify four issues. Pixie and Magick want their souls back. Witchfire wants them to bring back Elder Gods. Good triumphs, but Pixie looses another piece of her soul. Magick is back, but sans soul. There you go. (I don't consider it a spoiler because of the...she's on the New Mutants cover. They spoiled it three weeks before this.)

Life and Times of ucas Bishop - Revisionist history with questionable art and a four dollar price point. It's unnecessary, and frankly, if you wanted to get into the Bishop back story they should have done it seventeen years ago when people were really interested in the whole X-traitor thing. all this book has done is make many years of past stories either not make sense or incredibly creepy (he went on a date with his grandma dude.)

Where's the DC? I read JLA 30 in the store. It was pretty good. I could care less about the Battle for the Cowl one shots. I'm sure it's a lot of staring and wondering if Gotham can survive without Batman. Which is what all of the titles post RIP have been anyway. Also, DC doesn't put out a whole lot of books these days.

Predictions - It's between Doom, Hood and Wiccan for the Sorccerer Supreme. It's probably going to be Wiccan, though, eventually. The good guys have to win one. Pretty much, if it goes Doom or Hood there's too much of a disparity between sides and relative power.

So, is Ms. Marvel 1 dead? She seems to be on covers for New Avengers for the next little bit. Although, time tables never synch properly in comics.

That's about it.

Time killing: comic reviews for 3/18/09. With my frequently accurate predictions.

I know nobody reads this, but I find it enjoyable. Frankly, I don't blame you. Much like the cigarette the comic book in and of itself is an addiction of sorts. Not, the casual reading of a trade papaerback, or giving a comic book a chance. No, I speak of something far more sinister: the almost slavish and compulsie act of new comic book day. That's all I got.

Dark Avengers#3 - It's refreshing to know that there is someone out there that shares my almost fanatical love of "Five Guys Burgers and Fries". That said, I have never gotten an onion ring or shake there. May be regional. I just don't know. Anyway, the book itself is a fun quick read. Good interactions between Osbourn and Sentry, and Sentry's wife, and her fear coma. I don't know, it's fun. A lot more fun the former Mighty Avengers, but not as enjoyable mean spirited as Ellis' Thunderbolts. Solid title. Oh, and the $4 comics may bring upon the comics crash of 2011-2012. (Call it a hunch.)

Ultimatum #3 - It's an improvment, I guess. The pace is moving briskly. I'll give it that. Jeph Loeb books always have pretty neat fight scenes? My main problem with the whole Ultimatum thing is that 1) Wildstorm did the exact same, totally destroy our universe beyond reasonable expectations, thing, more or less, a year ago. If anything, it got me to drop the Wildstorm books I was reading. And the Image "what-have-you-verse" may have just done the same thing. Maybe. I read Invincible in trade so...I flipped through and things seem to have gotten a bit out of hand.2) All the rampant killing may be short sighted, but it's comis. Granted Ultimate Longshot may have run out of juice, or could have been the biggest thing since chromium. We'll never know, but we've eaten plenty of more ridiculous retcons so it's not a big deal. 3) On the whole sale slaughter of characters: it gets old faster than anyone ever thinks. After issue 1 I was surprised by the amount of carnage. By 2 I was at least surprised by the cannibalism. Now, it's pretty much whatever. I do like the whole "nobody's safe" element though. Although, all but 1-2, have been pretty safe choices. (As the vast majority has really been house cleaning.) Eh, it's the best issue yet? Maybe? You shouldn't be able to read a $4 book this quickly, but the art's pretty sort of debate.

Deadpool: Games of Death - It's things like this that made the character less visible in previous years. I think that's the most diplomatic way of putting it. Van Damme and Walker Texas Ranger jokes...says it all...and there's actually a rapper named 8ball...been around for years...like 15-20...had some hits...you know 8ball and MJG? No? You think someone would check that out. Moving on.

Wolverine #71 - Thoroughly enjoyable. It's Millar and McNiven. It's entertaining as ever, and the delays are far more reasonable then Ultimates. I would consider that to be a positive. And it sells well too. Except that one with the moloids. Moloids have a very low Q rating. Scary thing is that it probably reads even better in a trade. Eh, I'm helping the economy.

Uncany X-Men #507 - Also, thoroughly enjoyable. I know the internet is rather torn on the book, but I think it's tits. Solid pace and quality artwork. And it's got a good sense of humor. And with probably one of the least shocking shocking reveals of all time. But at least it's organic with the book. As opposed to...

X-Force #13 - Man, that last page. I keep giving you chances and you keep burning me. Now, I'm not talking about who takes said, semi-permanent, vacation in hell (comics). Wait. I am. Firstly, the character that leads to it all is acting more than slightly out of character. Second, we did this whole long beloved fixture in the storied X-Books (I'm half sarcastic here...) makes subsequent dick moves that they think is justified for the greater good, but makes them a pariah thing like once or twice a year. Oh, and it always comes back to bite them in the ass independently of the whole alienation thing. Aside from that the dialogue is fairly snappy, the art has the Megadeath concept album about the X-Men sensibility that the consumer has fallen in love with. It's not the crafting of issues on a quality of art/dialogue/action basis that I have issue with, but the overall plot points really. And some of the characterization. Oh, and why do they keep killing off characters after someone comes in and makes them viable again...or for the first time...depending on our opinion of the character in question.

X-Men Legacy #222 - For the serious fanboys really. As one, I enjoy it. It sells reasonably well given the inaccesability to the casual comic fan. That's about it. Solid 7-8 range on a monthly basis.

X-Factor #41 - The book is back to the caliber it was before whichever crossover messed up it's flow. Honestly I have a hard time remembering. I think it was Messiah CompleX. I think that's right. Anyway, it has been on poin for the past few issues. So, go with your money.

Punisher #3 - Dark Reign gave the character some new juice. As much as I enjoy Fraction: War Journal had lost some of it's steam towards the end. Entertaining read. Granted, the overarching interconnectedness of comics in general makes me wonder if anything will stick to the greater Reign business, but...I've got to ween myself off of all of this obsessive fanboy shit...look it's a fun read...I really say that a lot, but it's super hero comics. If you're not enjoying it, then, you shouldn't be reading it. If only I could take my own advice...

Ultimate X-Men #100 - Big week for the letter X. The book has been a lot more readable since Aaron Coleite took over, but there was never a chance that it would get back to the original runs on the book. Part of that is that the property just started getting a bit silly a few years ago. And, much like the 616 books it got bogged down by ancillary characters. The issue as it stands is an enjoyable one, comparatively, if you can look past an entertaining, and frankly rick-diculous, retcon that pushes much of it. Ultimate Lorelei may have the shortest career of any character in comics...ever.

Amazing Spider-Man #588- Jury's out. On the merits of the issue iteslf: JRJR is consistent as...you get JRJR on a book and you know how it will look. The guy is as consistent as your Mark Balgey and almost as prolific in regard to output. The writing is...Spider-Man is an irritating character 50% of te time. Nature of the beast. You get a character that's supposed to be funny, and well like anything comedy you gel with it or you don't. I didn't. No Stacey/Osborn babies, though, or face eating. That's a plus.

Predictions for the rest of the year: Hank McCoy ends up running the X-ship once the current regieme is found to be unfit. As in, you can't have the two characters in the book teetering around shoe dropping territory on a monthly basis without...shoes dropping. X-Force is slowly being revealed, and we've got a Dark Reign crossover coming later in the year so. Logic dictates that something will give eventually.

That whole, Osborn kills someone publicly thing: Ms. Marvel I. Or one of the Avengerbolts does the deed, publicly.

Messaih War will...Stryfe...really? Look you bring back the Magus and I'm fine. You bring back Douglock...again...probably in New Mutants. Ink shows up as Vibe '08. Whatever Cuz. But Stryfe? He's the representation of everything that went wrong in the '90's. I mean he's a clone for god's sake. Clones are what got us all in this mess in the first place. Cable sells pretty well so I don't expect him to die. Unless Hope gets sent farther into the future and coes back as some bad ass lady Cable type. Actually, that's not a terrible idea. I don't know, as long as they don't kill Warpath. They'll probably kill Warpath. Or maybe Elixir. Not Vanisher though. Kind of curious to see how they tie in Deadpool.

Blackest Night will probably not suck. Sinestro's Daughter is secretly Kyle Rayner's girlfriend...I forget her name. Triumphant moment ends up with Sinestro and Jordan back to back against ring zombies. Superboy Prime kills Connor, again, for all the right reasons this time. This whole redeem Prime thing is hopefully just a red herring. Henshaw finally dies...to come back as a black lantern...maybe. And it's really Earh-2 Batman all along. Oh, and Bart is probably back. And Jade. And I'd wager there will be a fair amount of Black Adam. He kills a lot of people.

Ultimate Spidey lives. I mean there's the whole nobody is safe thing, and then there's a terrible idea. If you ask me that's a terrible idea.

The Sentry will remain in a fight from the begining of it until the end of it. Maybe.

Oh, and Dick Grayson is Batman. Has been since Secret Six #2. Or maybe they made Tim Drake taller somehow. Barbra Gordon, fairly obviously, walks again this year. (Always wonder how they justify paralysis in a world with interstellar travel. Granted, it was a way to revolutionize the character in means of visibility and Killing Joke does deserve the hype it's always gotten. But, they've got living robots and spaceships and you've got someone in a wheelchair from a gunshot, and nobody should worry this much about these things. But thousands do. Oh well.) And Damian is Robin 4. And Tim Drake is Red Robin...probably.

And that's about it.