Top Nine Least Intimidating Iconic Comic Villains

The beauty of the top whatever list is that it is totally subjective. We read them on the internet and take them as cannon from upon high. Yet you can pretty much base them on a nebulous field of arbitrary metrics. I mean these are fictional characters that are written by a small army of creators for decades in some cases. With that in mind, and my natural proclivities towards the svengali lifestyle, I present you the reader with this definitive list of the least intimidating iconic comic book villains. Although we're going with nine because I'm lazy.

Now the reason that I am saying iconic comic book villains is that it would be entirely too easy to come up with a list of Mandrills and Boomerang themed villains to make a list of just plain old comic book villains. And that's why we'll begin with a semi shocking number 9.

# 9 - The Joker

The Joker, as everyone in most civilized nations knows, is the premier Bat villain. He provides a perfect foil for the cool and calculating Bruce Wayne by fundamentally countering him with a degree of organized chaos. Yet when we think of his main accomplishments, we think of killing Jason Todd and paralyzing Barbara Gordon - Robin 2 and Batgirl respectively. Fundamentally, he's a way more likable Joe Jackson because he's famous for beating kids.

In fairness, Jason Todd does suck pretty hard.

Secondly, there is the infamous boner issue. I think nothing more needs to be said that cannot already be taken from the source material. Having read he issue in its entirety the only thing that is missing is the phrase, "I will literally choke the Batman with all of these delicious boners."

No caption joke will top this. I don't know; think about your favorite Tobias Funke quote and imagine that you're reading that.

The next point is that before there was Harley Quinn there was this guy: Gagsworth A. Gagsworthy.

Break yo'self Pierrot le fou.

He dresses like Pagliocci, and his powerset involves headbutting Robin in the tender vittles. Granted he only appeared once before being dusted off a year ago, but he's a midget dressed like Pagliocci that headbutts Robin in the midsection.

# 8 Venom

When I was a boy, the undisputed niftiest talking Marvel figure was Venom because of his vocal and unabashed devotion to brain eating. (Not in the way Nicki Minaj intends to.) Now while Venom is a beloved character, he's on this list for a few reasons. Number one being that he went from a cannibal to a lunatic anti hero in the 90's. And lunatic anti heroes never work.

He's everywhere you want to be.

The main reason though is that while we think of Venom most people think of Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan, but, in actuality, the symbiote is a bit of a whore. In total there have been seven people that have been taken over by the symbiote without including the brief Venoms such as Franklin Richards. And there is nothing more disturbing in Spider-Man comics than this image.

That's going on my boner jams '11 post.

Finally, Venom is on this list because it's a product of the 90's really. He even went as far as to quote Homey the Clown in the final issue of "Maximum Carnage". Oh, and he's on here for never really getting closer to winning than a hundred year old czarist with a lion vest.



#7 - Magneto

He used to dress like this in the 80's.

We also would have accepted a joke about the aerobics movie "Perfection".

Now aside from rocking a gigantic M on his chest and resembling an extra from "Satan's Alley", Magneto is on this list for a few major reasons. Aside from his sartorial failings, Magneto finds his way onto the list for being not really that evil all things considered. He switches teams more frequently than Lindsay Lohan as he is currently back with the X-men. (the funny book Samantha Ronson it seems)

Granted, he has tried to take over the planet a few times, but he usually fucks up or is revealed to actually be a Chinese guy with a star for a head's evil twin who also has a star for a head. Also...he made a robot nanny for some reason and made out with the Wasp which is more puzzling than anything else.

Retcon: Because dammit I can't leave well enough alone.

He's an eighty year old holocaust survivor that was turned into a baby and then re-aged to his physical peak. He has time and again created an isolated mutant paradise and time and again found a way to totally biff it. Fake star head Magneto was felled in part by a man chicken mutant with a serious learning disability. So that's why Magneto is on here: he's not terribly evil all things considered.

#6 - Lex Luthor

While an iconic arch villain of the highest caliber, Luthor, who is oft lauded for his mental adroitness, has generated his own share of monumental boners. As a super scientist who perennially goes up against what is fundamentally a space god rendered as a man one wold imagine that he would be fairly adept with science. That said, one would imagine that he would know of the effects of wearing a ring made out of radioactive space rock for years. That he would know that he would eventually get cancer from it and then have to fake his death to put his brain in a clone body and that he would then have to pretend to be his own Aussie bastard son and speak in a fake Australian accent. After being trapped inside a self made prison of rapidly decaying clone carrion, Luthor would return to the land of the mobile in traditional comic book fashion: pact with not Satan.

After his brief period of demonic supplication, he would make the move that many real world types who have made a pact with Beelzebub-lite would: He would become president. Now what would an effective villain do in a seat of power to truly destabilize things? Would he say launch a global war under false pretenses? Would he not care about black people? Would he eventually get all juiced up on a steroid/kryptonite mix and rampage in the streets? If you guessed the last one you would be correct.

Had a higher approval rating in the power suit than Bush did.

And to top it off Luthor can currently be seen in the starring role of the frankly fantastic Action Comics...banging a robot Lois Lane. It works in the comic although I'm kind of surprised that nobody has made any "Lars and the Real Girl" jokes. Also, he used to reside on a planet called Lexor. This has nothing to do with diminishing his evil quotient; it's just a tad convenient. Oh and as a fun side note he's appeared in slightly more comic books that our very real current president.

Still slightly less evil than real Sarah Palin

#5 - Apocalypse

He's got a giant A on his belt in case he ever forgets his name. More importantly he has had 5000 years to...constantly get beaten. In the future, he gets beaten by a teen Cable. In the 80's, he got beaten by the old school X-Men who were operating as X-Factor at the time (with the help of Power Pack. For those who don't know Power Pack is comprised entirely of super powered 8 year olds.) He gets beaten by a clone of Cable. He mind hops into the body of Cyclops and gets beaten by Jean Grey and then his astral form gets nut punched by an adult Cable. While constantly losing is the hallmark of most malefactors, it's the manner in which most of these happens that places him on here.

However, C is still very much for cookie.

Mainly, he creates his own antagonists. He empowers old timey geneticist Nathaniel Essex into the subtly sobriqueted Mr. Sinister, who turns on him and creates the Jean Grey clone/brood mare Madelyne Pryor who births his arch nemesis Cable. Apocalypse in turn infects Cable with a techno organic virus that necessitates Cable being sent to the future...where he kills Apocalypse. In this future though Apocalypse attempts to transfer his consciousness into Cable's clone Stryfe. This plan goes tits up when Stryfe goes back in time (Sans a sweat ass Huey Lewis soundtrack) and kills Apocalypse...kinda. Most famously, Apocalypse grafted bad ass robot wings to a wingless Warren Worthington and also put Adamantium back on Wolverine's bones. Currently, the two are in the phenomenal "Uncanny X-Force"...trying to kill a child clone of Apocalypse.

If they really wanted to make him suffer they'd take him out after the last day of middle school.

#4 - Darkseid

Simply put for an ageless embodiment of deistic malfeasance he spends a lot of time doing seemingly pointless things on Earth. His ignoble start came in the insane/brilliant 4th world opus of Jack Kirby where he was first featured in the pages of Jimmy Olsen where he was supplying guns to mobsters. The part of this that I find odd is that here we have a nearly invulnerable space God selling guns to mobsters. (although in fairness the Monitor who...uh monitored the multiverse got his start in the same way.)

And that's really the main theme running throughout this waylaying of the character: for a nearly omnipotent space God he spends a lot of time slumming on Earth. The most recent example is found in the criminally underrated "Final Crisis". In the crossover, Darkseid finally wins when the Anti Life Equation is unleashed on an unsuspecting Earth. Before that though Darkseid and his cadre of dark gods survived the unrepentantly assy "Death of the New Gods" by coming back as kinda dated urban stereotypes. Glorious Godfrey came back as Al Sharpton...again. And Granny Goodness came back as Missy Elliott in the "Ladies Night" video (I had to think of a video from that epoch when she was not wearing a trash bag or dressed as Mega Man.) Darkseid returns as Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction". Now what do you do when you've cheated death after having your heart ripped out by your son? If your answer was make teenagers fight in a nightclub you are on your way to being a space tyrant.

"You and me are straight but you've lost your New Atlantis privileges Aqualad."

The final reason that Darkseid is on the list at the number four spot is that when he did murder his son with a backward firing time bullet he did it somewhere where Batman could find it which eventually lead to his circuitous downfall. (Don't worry the real villain was an entropic pan dimensional vampire.) In concert with that, his final final plan that also hinged on outwitting Batman (in an entertaining fashion that would be even more convoluted sounding frankly.) Nobody outwits the Batman...even Rainbow Batman.

In the Golden Age he used to say that criminals were a fearful and color blind lot.

#3 - Sabretooth

Precious few like the character Sabretooth as much as I do. Every time I meet a blond I stand in front of her, snap my fingers, and yell out "Birdy!" If she does not proceed to pull out an excessively cumbersome machine gun that shoots out three slow moving square bullets, I move on with my day. Ridiculously outdated in-jokes aside; Sabretooth is on this list for one reason: he's a fucking Highlander and he once lost to Power Pack. Yes the litmus test for super villains is whether or not they are bested by a group of juiced up 8 year olds. If you can think of better criteria, I'd like to hear them. (Also never do a google search for images of Power Pack. Just trust me on that one.)

The worst part in all of this is that the only thing on this cover you'll never see again in a Marvel comic book is the lit cigarette.

Now onto the Highlander portion of this - It's been revealed that Wolverine and Sabretooth belong to some subset of wolf people. They're not mutants, and they can only be killed by getting decapitated by a magic sword that's forged from a shard of Wolverine's soul. Now if that sounds like the premise to some sort of Highlander themed Kingdom Hearts then you and I are on the same page as sad as that is.

It doesn't help that he also started dressing like an extra from "Hair" at the end of it all.

The other reason that Sabretooth is on here is that well he's kind of a bitch. He's been a lackey for Mister Sinister for much of his career and in his solo efforts he's often getting taken out by everyone from Ms. Marvel to Iron Fist. He was represented as being borderline exceptional (read the R word) in the first X-men film. And his Ultimate incarnation was adroitly referred to as a budget Wolverine. Also, he's mainly famous for killing regular ass people on the side while doing some super villainy. And when he was unceremoniously decapitated was when he was seeing a bit of a revitalization in Mike Carey's run on X-men adjectiveless.

#2 - Mephisto

Now while a lot of the uninitiated may be scratching their heads as to why a villain they've never heard of is on here; let me make this simple: He's Satan...kinda. And they don't get more iconic than that. Besides, all the fanboys know why he's on here: One More Day.

It is actually sillier than this. I shit you not.

In One More Day, Satan pretty much erases Spider Man's marriage because comic book fans could relate to a man with Spider powers but not one with a banging ginger wife. So he saves Aunt May's life and totally change the status quo in exchange for the love shared between Peter and MJ, and he's Satan. If anything you'd think that if he was trying to create true suffering in the world he'd prolong marriages indefinitely. (Snare drum and comment about the pepper steak to follow)

"Fine." - Spider-Man as played by 1 out of 2 married Americans.

Aside from that, it's the standard case of creating his own enemies (Ghost Rider), being fairly ineffectual at Satan-ing (See above), and possibly being an evil cave mutant that mutated into the concept of Satan as some sort of inborn mutation that is triggered by man's natural place in the universe guarding the asexually reproduced fetus of a race of space Gods that take eons to gestate and mature. (It's totally out of continuity..maybe)



#1 - Dr. Doom

While he may lay down the sickest rhymes, he still tops this list due to myriad reasons. For the sake of brevity only the key ones shall be discussed. First among them: he's the biggest "mama's boy" in all of comics. In fact, without his near zealot levels of mommy need he wouldn't even be Dr. Doom in the first place because he never would have constructed the Hell viewing machine to communicate with his dead mom. He has also gone as far to travel to the realm in attempts to rectify the situation.

Just because it's awesome dammit.

When he isn't engaging in sense shattering oedipal action, he's busy saving Christmas. Long story short Doom shoots down Santa and is then tasked with completing his rounds of gift giving and cookie thieving. Which is actually the antithesis of evil. For an encore, he and the Black Panther examined the true meaning of Kwanzaa.

Fought Hannukah Harry to a standstill though.

This one may be kind of a low blow given that he is a fictional character and as such occasionally serves in a misguided metaphorical capacity, but this bears examination due to the inanity of the proposed rhetorical impact: He cried at Ground Zero. Now, it's certainly the most resonant moment in modern American history, but he's a cartoon murderer/ terrorist. He spends much of his time attempting to destabilize regions with little care for collateral damage. Pretty much, it's yet another attempt to ham fist current real world events into a stylized and fictional world. When handled in such an awkward fashion, it trivializes these very real events because it renders them within a realm of very unreal consequences; as this is a universe in which death is merely a hiccup. From a character standpoint it makes the sovereign of Latveria kind of look like a bitch all things considered because as Kanye West would put it "HE'S FUCKING EVIL." If taken as in continuity, I feel that his interactions with Norman Osborn in their cabal would have read as such:

Dr. Doom - Norman given our position of unparalleled power I feel that this vendetta you're carrying out against Spider-Man is little more than a schoolyard skirmish or bathroom wiener measurement contest.

Norman Osborn - Of course you'd say that. you were after all featured on CNN crying like a bitch. Would you care for Ms. Hand ordering you a wahburger and french cries from Five Guys? Or would you prefer that instead of taking out Spider-Man we take out Dr. McDreamy for toying with Meredith's emotions for the past few seasons?

It gets me every time. She remembers who she is for just a second after they read that notebook. Be strong Doom. Be strong...

And in closing there's the fact of Dr. Doom's most embarrassing losses. The first one is the case of Doom stiffing Hero for Hire Luke Cage out of about $800. Granted this was the 1970's and Cage may have needed tiara polish. Anyway, the plot of the issue is that Luke Cage borrows the Fantasticar, raises hell through the sleepy fake nation of Latveria, and gets his money without choking nary a bitch and fighting Doom to a relative standstill. The reason that I mention this is that he could also use the money to pay his nanny Squirrel Girl...who also bested Doom once. And is like Aquaman, but she talks to squirrels. She's an ideal foil to the dogs from "Up" I guess and has a tail and gigantic teeth. That is all.

Quake with fear!