My Suzy weighs a ton son carry it: The Man with the Iron Fists reviewed

So, I heard you liked kung fu movies... memes aside that's really the heart of the film.  You're either in one of two camps when it comes to loving kung fu movies.  A) You've seen Enter the Dragon and think it's neat.  Well, of course you do.  It's Enter the fucking Dragon.  It's got actual production values, John Saxon, Mr. Handy-Man, and a peerless martial artist that can act, in English no less.  Or maybe it's Legend of Drunken Master  or some other kung fu movie from the upper echelon.  If you fall into this camp, well frankly, the camp of The Man with the Iron Fists is not necessarily for you.  As this movie is made squarely for those of us that fall into camp B, which as someone using the sobriquet of B I fall into.  Those of us in camp B have slogged through literally every kung fu movie available.  Our DVD collections are littered with ill advised purchases because person 1 in the movie choreographed or trained someone we loved in another kung fu film.  IT is frankly a slavish devotion to the genre.  It is akin to being frankly a kung fu zombie.  IF you are consumed with an undying fever that can only be cured by jump kicks and terrible dubbing then The Man with the Iron Fists  is your movie.

Because dammit why not?

Not to say that it will not appeal to the casual fan of the genre, it may.  Moreover though, it is made with the hardcore disciple of Shaolin in mind.  The best way to describe it in terms is that it is an amalgam of humor and over the top gore, and that is all it sets out to be.  It is in this simplicity that we find it.  It is part grand guignol with elements of odd comedy and asides.  It is not without flaws, but at the same time, if you are looking for a rollicking tale of violence and archetypes and bloodletting and ribaldry then this is your movie.  Also, Russell Crowe is fat, but I would never say that to his face.  It's a solid matinee choice if you're looking for an homage to this genre that you truly love.  It's not high art, but there is an artistry to it's violence.  It is the essence of the kung fu movie of wildly varying quality but with better production values.  That's it.  It's exactly what you think it'll be.  Also, Silver Lion kinda steals the show, and it's obviously got the best fight scenes you'll see this year. 

Oh no, Promotheus... Prometheus - reviewed (not by Jay Sherman)

As you, imaginary reader, may have noticed there has been a fair amount of controversy surrounding Ridley Scott's summer film Prometheus: based mainly on inanity and decision making.  Yes, while some may argue that the baffling at times idiocy of the film's principles as a wanton betrayal of the franchise (I guess?) I would argue that these forays into dullardry are at the crux of the franchise.  Before addressing that hyperbolic statement though, there must come an actual review of the film based solely on my experience in the theater.

I dug it.  It's an incredibly well shot film with the sort of breathtakingly shot vistas and Gieger-esque set design that you would expect.  However, Guy Pearce does look like a low rent Old Lo Pan in the make up they have him in.  By and large I enjoyed the creature design.  It was as pointedly, terrifyingly vaginal as anything else in the series and kept with the established aesthetic.  The performances were solid with Michael, if this was a regular conversation- you know Magneto? ohhh, Fassbender and Noomi, Swedish Dragon Tattoo... it's in my queue, Rappace being at the forefront of it.  Everyone else in the film brings the convincing acting (they sell those terrible decisions dammit), and Idris Elba talks like Cowboy Curtis but is still cool.  I would also recommend seeing the film in 3D as, for once, it was not an after thought.  While the technical elements, I felt, were all beyond satisfactory, we are left with the actual plot of the movie and it is a whole.  This is, obviously, where the contention arises. Fuckin' Spoilers ahead. 

So pretty much we were created by giant, irritable, space men who drink black shit fell in a river and spawned life.  They hung out on Earth, left a map to a bioweapons planet, and  decided to kill us about 2000 years ago.  I say to this, okay.  You see the thing for me, if you really do think about it is that the Alien films were originally envisioned, we're talking Starbeast here, as really good B-movies.  It just so happened that Alien happened to be an incredibly well done and atmospheric sci-fi monster picture.  Aliens peppered in action movie tropes and engaging characters, especially Bill Paxton.  However, the crux of Aliens is poor decision making: let's go round up the perfect killing machine for crowd control.  Alien 3 is itself just a poorly conceived film, in my opininon: let's say fuck the last movie that everyone liked and put her in spacejail with ROC and a single Alien.  Alien Resurrection, which I feel really gets shat on unnecessarily, is based around the incredibly ill  advised plan of growing mother frenching Xenemorphs for fiscal gain. 

Moreover, yes, the characters in Prometheus get into unbelievably dumb situations, like getting lost in a thoroughly mapped cave or trying to touch an unknown life form for shits and giggles and not knowing how to strafe and the rest.  And sure, it annoys me to know end when characters blithely talk about their faith in Christ in the face of resounding evidence to the counter.  And yes, the ham fisted inclusion of the debate reminded me that I was watching a big budget summer film (as you must repeat the thematic elements these days) However, these movies, and countless other genre films, are based around allegedly educated people doing the fucktardingest things imaginable.  I mean when you think Alien franchise you should be thinking A) vaginal imagery which belies concerns over fertility/ procreation (check) B) Horrible deaths (Check) C) Rock solid production values (Check) D) Protagonist succeeding in spite of the terrible decisions of everyone involved in the proceedings (check).  The thing is though, it's a movie made for today's all inclusive big budget explosion summer, which I enjoy the explosions of. As such, it must blatantly reiterate any higher concept beyond explosions, America, and valor/comradery/ whatever the end of Con-Air was about.  And I think that may be part of the issue.  The other part being that back in olden times we had to get our spoilers from our dickish friends that are incapable of not discussing a movie's ending in front of you because they feel that whatever pithy observation they feel they are making is more important than human decency.  As is to say, you can have a negative reaction to the film's content without seeing it in execution, which is a detriment to Prometheus as it beautifully tells a story that's kinda dumb at times.

I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.

On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen.  And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it.  Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra.  Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.

So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole.  I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with.  Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness.  Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk.  Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film.  While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked.  While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it.  Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it.  Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2.  Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled.  THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous). 


*Spoilers*




About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand.  THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan".  Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating.  So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie.  While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.

#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order.  I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic.  My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward?  I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been  great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit.  You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin.  While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work.  You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin.  Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil.  Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE

While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty.  It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember.  He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems.  More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole.  Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly.  And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works.  If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.

#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.

We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good.  This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain.  Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were  actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe.  I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked.  Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.

#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?

Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present.  Done.  You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not.  B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing.  Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's.  Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing.  Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker.  You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever.  And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.

Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one.  You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains.  The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns.  I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing.  One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone.  He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.

Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo.  While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already.  You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar.  Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it.  I also enjoyed the always angry thing.  Also, the Hulk can fucking talk.  He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced.  There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit.  Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward.  Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie.  I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.

Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something?  I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage.  They'll probably be used fro universe building.  Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe?  I don't know.  Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman?  Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe. 

#4 - So who else are they going to do?
 First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie.  This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision.  As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually?  Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes.  I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America.  As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though.  I've also heard rumblings of  a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon?   Rambling aside, I think we're done here.

So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions.  The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently.   Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note. 

Everything Old is new Again...Incredibly Late Gaming Reviews Aimed at Nobody in Particular

Pretty much, due to delays in the production of The Skull Base and a particularly strong case of writers block on Currently Untitled Novel, I find myself back here writing for the single digits worth of people who have come here from a google search gone terrifyingly right. As such, I feel it is my right, nay duty, to opine on the latest in video games...that have been out for over a month and in some cases set the internet on fire with divisive rhetoric not seen since probably yesterday. There will be mild to heavy spoilers. You will see the most succinct review of a video game ever. We will all learn something. Mild twitters may effortlessly escape the larynx. Key word is may. Without further obfuscation of intent, we shall begin.

Mass Effect 3

It would be overly facile to excoriate Bioware on the conclusion of this game. That being said though, it was ungodly irksome. Rgardless of this well worn conclusion, overall, I would say that Mass Effect 3 was a fitting conclusion to the series. Past characters returned and there was a true sense of grandeur that can only be found in galactic carnage. Former decisions did matter throughout the game's narrative in instances like when the Rachni Queen that I let live for reasons that currently escape me, 2010 blizzard drinking. My earlier decisions in regards to the fate of the Krogan popped back up. There were legitimately resonant character beats and moments, especially with Garrus, everyone's favorite character. Then, much like my favorite whipping boy (not the book) Lost, everything fell to shit in the last act.

The reason for this being that ,like in the third Matrix film another favorite butt of nerd rage, something totally out of left field comes which crushes the narrative under its imperceptible weight. The main reason that this was so infuriating is, of course, that Mass Effect, like other Bioware titles, lives and dies by the illusion of choice and significance that the player's decisions are weighted by. Massive left turn aside though for 95% of the game these decisions do seem resonant. In the final act, all of these choices and galactic skulldrugery are all decanted into a differing space battle cinema and one of three choices. In the end, it does not matter that I chose to be a dick for three games because my friend Happy had the same options after three games of paragon play. While the ending cinematic was scant and the conclusion left me hollow, the game itself was still engaging. However, as the terminal game in the series it left me wanting on the most fundamental of levels as I had become invested in the characters over the last half decade. If anything though, the vitriolic excoriation of the developers by their ardent fanbase is just a testament to how wildly invested we all are in their creation. Also, Multiplayer was kinda meh. I mean I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy being forced into it to get the best ending. Also the maps were scant as far as number but that has been remedied. Also, people use your fucking medi-gel. Why are you hoarding it?

While this may seem like nothing more than base recriminations of shoddy work, it is not. The game actually made me feel bad about things I did (even though I just kept clicking the trigger for the renegade action/ I wish Tali was like, "Stop it, stop it; he's already dead.") which has not happened since KOTOR (when I made the wookie kill his Twi'lek companion at the end). It is not glorified rock, paper, scissors and fake sounding Asian accents like Jade Empire. The DLC while partially on disc was as enjoyable as any other Mass Effect DLC and worth my ten bucks. The fact that my levels carried over from 2 made Vicious Shepard a force of destruction from the start (if you go vanguard level biotic charge all the way first you get 100% shields with every charge. It perfectly compliments my reckless play style.) I mean look, Bioware made an amazing franchise which unfortunately falls the fuck off the wheels in the last half hour. And while the RPG elements get diminished with each iteration, they mainly got rid of the most annoying elements of it (scanning planets for hours/ broken inventory system/ THIS IS NOT A SPACE TANK SIM). I was truly engaged and excited for everything but the end which after years of disapointment from games (Yeah Zanarkand is a dream/ you just played 5 hours of blitzball for a character's final weapon, a character you don't use/ Everybody not named Zell or Laguna in FF VIII/ This is getting off topic/ Grand motherfucking Pulse/ Maybe I don't like Final fantasy anymore? That's a bummer. I enjoyed the half of XIII I played, to a point/ Wait I maxed the game clock on FF-X 2...Marijuana is a hell of a drug.)

Anyway you've already purchased this game if you were going to. If you haven't played the others first, you should you're really missing out if you haven't (mainly on blind rage/ fluid shooting/ fully realized characters/ FUCK KILL HATE!/ one of the most engaging IPs in the last decade regardless of medium.)

On the DLC - Yeah Day 1 DLC is kinda shitty, but you don't have to buy it. From the download size it seems that it wasn't completed when the game went gold (this assumption, like many things relating to video game discussion, is based on errant speculation). I felt that it was worth it. I mean I can understand why people are cheesed about spending an additional ten bucks at release. I also understand how used games are diminishing funds available for necessary and ever ballooning production costs which make things like this semi-essential. For the record, if you're that concerned about said ten dollars you have things you should be focusing on instead of Mass Effect DLC. On to the next one then.

SSX

It's a new SSX game that does not have skiing. I don't know if I'm as up on it as I was SSX 3. You either enjoy SSX, or you don't. That's all.

On the DLC - If you want to pay to not play the game so be it.

Street Fighter x Tekken

On the one hand, I thoroughly enjoy this game. I find the art style works well to encompass the feel of both franchises even if it is squarelf routed in SSF4AC-etc. I find that the combo system has found a nice place between the comparative rigidity of non MarCap Capcom fighters and the more intuitive timing based combo system of Tekken games. Due to this though, I don't know if it will be a hit on the competitive scene which is fine for people like myself who do not have the free time or inclination to get to that level. While some people may lament the inclusion of the gem system and its changing of game mechanics, I would say this: calm the fuck down.

If anything, crushing online play is probably the greatest detriment to the fighting game industry; more to the point though my argument is such: people don't like to know that they're shitty at video games. If anything, many of us use them as a brief respite for the overwhelmingly shitty way we lead our lives. More to the point, I will now recount my first online fighting experience. Years ago, I thought I was awesome at DOA. It started with heated bouts on the Dreamcast in college. It culminated with me getting a perfect on my old roommate while having a phone conversation and smoking a cigarette. I then took these purported, and illusory it seems skills onto DOA Online on the original Xbox where I was repeatedly juggled to death by the most cutthroat middle schoolers in Japan. This trend has continued. I constantly got metaphorically sodomized on MarCap 2 online. While I could actually beat people in MarCap 3 online (Ultimate or vanilla), I fear that my skills have regressed since that one weekend in March 2011 when I was on fire. The point being is that some people get rather put off by getting continually brutalized online, and fighting games are no longer at the acme of genre dominance as they were in my youth. I feel that making a popular and mechanically inclusive game is probably the best thing that could be done. (This is the internet; my opinions are lar. If you don't like it, *gay slur* *challenge fandom*)

However, this does not mean the game is without fault. Offline modes are a little bare bones, but it is a fighting game, to the point that it doesn't even have traditional standards like survival mode and the mission mode only clocks in at 20 challenges. I'm not entirely enamored of having to use set teams in Arcade mode, but I certainly understand the issues involving the generation of cinemas and such given the large cast. While this may seem like a cursory and shallow list of grievances, well, it is. The core game is fantastic...aside from one glaring and monumental issue. The severity of said issue is grand and a threat to the core beliefs that I as an American consumer hold dear. This is no mere hyperbole. I must shout it from the rooftops, "I am super pissed about the on disc DLC."

On the DLC - It is infinitely more difficult to defend a third of the content being locked on disc due to wanting added content for the handheld release on the PS Vita. It is not the ungodly expensive and occasionally nifty bonus costumes: it's all the characters. There is no feasible way to justify this. Certainly, Capcom have taken the tact that this virtual partition has saved the consumer the inevitable and always necessary turbo hyper or championship edition of the game. At the same time though, what? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would actually prefer the dreaded online pass in this situation even though the main reason that I bought the game when I did was because it was used and slightly cheaper and saved ten whole dollars. I don't know it's maddening. What is even more maddening though is the fact that I know I will give Capcom their 20 American dollars to play as Bryan Fury and the rest. Nothing else really on the topic aside from it being a vicious cycle. Much like with everything else, the combined passion of a million enraged fanboys will amount to a wet fart, blind submission, and the rest.

The Hardest Review I've Ever Written: Parks and Recreations.

I desperately want to like this show. I would go as far as to say that I, my friends and girlfriend all love Amy Poehler. I would giver my bone marrow. I think the guy from Human Giant, who's name I don't want to butcher, is fucking hilarious. I already miss him on "Scrubs". Rashida Jones is also quite funny, and I always liked Karen better then Pam...which I know is blasphemy. So, why am I writing a less then glowing review?

Simply enough: Entertainment Weekly. They wrote a four page article about how the show isn't incredibly similar to "The Office", and well, it is. It has the same faux-documentary format. It derives most of it's humor from awkwardness. And the main character is very similar to Michael Scott in a lot of ways. Now, I'm not going to write the show off after one episode. God knows I watched most of the season of "Kath and Kim" due to apathy and remote control loss, and this show is handily way funnier. And actually, I'd put "Parks" on the B-/ C+ bubble which is hardly a failing grade. It's just that I assumed that I would like it more. So, there you have it. It's an alright TV program, and may mature with time to be a solid member of the NBC Thursday lineup. Yet again, "Kath and Kim". That show was cloying and dated. And god knows that it will be better then American "AbFab". Which is a terrible idea.