Oh no, Promotheus... Prometheus - reviewed (not by Jay Sherman)

As you, imaginary reader, may have noticed there has been a fair amount of controversy surrounding Ridley Scott's summer film Prometheus: based mainly on inanity and decision making.  Yes, while some may argue that the baffling at times idiocy of the film's principles as a wanton betrayal of the franchise (I guess?) I would argue that these forays into dullardry are at the crux of the franchise.  Before addressing that hyperbolic statement though, there must come an actual review of the film based solely on my experience in the theater.

I dug it.  It's an incredibly well shot film with the sort of breathtakingly shot vistas and Gieger-esque set design that you would expect.  However, Guy Pearce does look like a low rent Old Lo Pan in the make up they have him in.  By and large I enjoyed the creature design.  It was as pointedly, terrifyingly vaginal as anything else in the series and kept with the established aesthetic.  The performances were solid with Michael, if this was a regular conversation- you know Magneto? ohhh, Fassbender and Noomi, Swedish Dragon Tattoo... it's in my queue, Rappace being at the forefront of it.  Everyone else in the film brings the convincing acting (they sell those terrible decisions dammit), and Idris Elba talks like Cowboy Curtis but is still cool.  I would also recommend seeing the film in 3D as, for once, it was not an after thought.  While the technical elements, I felt, were all beyond satisfactory, we are left with the actual plot of the movie and it is a whole.  This is, obviously, where the contention arises. Fuckin' Spoilers ahead. 

So pretty much we were created by giant, irritable, space men who drink black shit fell in a river and spawned life.  They hung out on Earth, left a map to a bioweapons planet, and  decided to kill us about 2000 years ago.  I say to this, okay.  You see the thing for me, if you really do think about it is that the Alien films were originally envisioned, we're talking Starbeast here, as really good B-movies.  It just so happened that Alien happened to be an incredibly well done and atmospheric sci-fi monster picture.  Aliens peppered in action movie tropes and engaging characters, especially Bill Paxton.  However, the crux of Aliens is poor decision making: let's go round up the perfect killing machine for crowd control.  Alien 3 is itself just a poorly conceived film, in my opininon: let's say fuck the last movie that everyone liked and put her in spacejail with ROC and a single Alien.  Alien Resurrection, which I feel really gets shat on unnecessarily, is based around the incredibly ill  advised plan of growing mother frenching Xenemorphs for fiscal gain. 

Moreover, yes, the characters in Prometheus get into unbelievably dumb situations, like getting lost in a thoroughly mapped cave or trying to touch an unknown life form for shits and giggles and not knowing how to strafe and the rest.  And sure, it annoys me to know end when characters blithely talk about their faith in Christ in the face of resounding evidence to the counter.  And yes, the ham fisted inclusion of the debate reminded me that I was watching a big budget summer film (as you must repeat the thematic elements these days) However, these movies, and countless other genre films, are based around allegedly educated people doing the fucktardingest things imaginable.  I mean when you think Alien franchise you should be thinking A) vaginal imagery which belies concerns over fertility/ procreation (check) B) Horrible deaths (Check) C) Rock solid production values (Check) D) Protagonist succeeding in spite of the terrible decisions of everyone involved in the proceedings (check).  The thing is though, it's a movie made for today's all inclusive big budget explosion summer, which I enjoy the explosions of. As such, it must blatantly reiterate any higher concept beyond explosions, America, and valor/comradery/ whatever the end of Con-Air was about.  And I think that may be part of the issue.  The other part being that back in olden times we had to get our spoilers from our dickish friends that are incapable of not discussing a movie's ending in front of you because they feel that whatever pithy observation they feel they are making is more important than human decency.  As is to say, you can have a negative reaction to the film's content without seeing it in execution, which is a detriment to Prometheus as it beautifully tells a story that's kinda dumb at times.