I kinda wish his name was Master Chef (was voiced by Raekwon)... My week with Halo 4.

I'll never forget that fateful evening when I set up my X-box live account those many years ago and embarked on the first of many Halo 2 benders.  It was a different time, a simpler one.  It was still a novel concept to lambast a 12 year old boy with an undeniably yokel sounding accent for his imagined sexual transgressions with his sister after he had called you a nigger or faggot for beating him.  And while I'm still occasionally called a nigger or faggot while playing video games on line, it just isn't the same.  Dare I say it the shock of the slurring and engaging in the head to head with grown men and tweens and accusing them of suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome has, sadly, abated.  My fond memories of hate speech in the frontier days of online console multiplayer may also be indicative though of my growing apathy towards the genre of online shooters.  Last year, I purchased Modern Warfare 3 as it was on sale right after Christmas, and as I have a big boy job I figured what the heck.  I played the campaign and enjoyed it's unabashed silliness as I do, but I rankled at the thought of getting into the time suck that is competitive multiplayer.  Then came Halo 4 last week. 

After braving yet another midnight release at my area Gamestop, where I have become famous for drunkenly photobombing their Resident Evil 6 release (I was at an open mic beforehand, drink a lot), I had it in my hands.  Anyway, yadda yadda played the game for a few hours the first night, was impressed by the graphics.  This continued throughout the week and into the weekend.  It was nothing new really, as Halo multiplayer had taken up a fair amount of my time, but then on Saturday it happened.  I stopped caring, far far faster than I thought possible.  Granted, I have not played the campaign yet as... it's a pointless anecdote.  Anyway, by and large it's a better looking Halo with some tweeks and balance things.  It does have the loadout and customization options that are demanded in this day and age, and I'm fine with that honestly.  I like to reload a little quicker and the like, and it's 2012, so it's a must.  It's just as I played it I noticed a few things. 

1) I'm sick of playing the same five maps on slayer.  So fucking sick of them.  Sure, I've tried to mix it up and play some objective based games, but the bulk of my play time is slayer, and it's incredibly repetitive.  Also, the new maps aren't really that memorable in comparison to some of my old favorites like say Lockout or Zealot/midship/etc.  Sure, I enjoy the simplicity/murder of Haven, but it's been 6 days, and I'm getting bored by the levels already.

2) Fuck you in the eyeballs for offering me new levels to buy on day one.  Usually I'm pretty cool about these unfettered cash grabs; this situation is merely exacerbated by how I'm already sick of the new levels.  I don't want to give you another 25 dollars to extend the playtime I'm not 100% sold on, but will continue to play indefinitely as, it's what you do.

3) It looks pretty.  It really does.

4) Still getting used to the balance.  Hope you like getting shot in the face from across the map with the DMR; it's going to happen, a lot. But yeah, still getting used to the balancing of it all.  Sword got nerfed which makes me sad; they brought back the BR, but it's kinda assy.  Needler is still above board.  Snipes feels off.  Some of the new guns are kinda neat.  I don't know my main issue is that I find myself falling in love with a new gun for a little while for a couple of rounds and then go back to stinking with it.  It's up and down really. 

5) THe customization options are pretty neat and I will say that the ordinance system is mercifully not a game breaker like in COD.  What? I mean attack dogs break the fucking game.  A lot of the higher level kill streak rewards in COD games kinda break the game.  At least with the ordinance it's like you get a Shotgun or Overshield; it's handy but not going to ridiculously sway a match. 

6) It's got a playlist for everything, so that's cool. 

7) Spartan Ops is thoroughly okay.  Yeah, it's all right.  Novel idea with the updates to the story.  It's like Spec Ops in COD. 

So, yeah.  Halo 4 is pretty nifty.  I don't know my languid praise may have to do with my waning fascination with competitive shooting people on the internet, or not.  If you like Halo, you've already bought it, and if you don't, well that's justified, and I mean Call of Duty comes out at midnight tonight, so you're good.

Fanboy loathing: The ten (maybe) most irksome things (and comic store horror stories)

#1) Look junkies: nobody wants to buy your fucking comic books. It's really that simple. If I have to look at one more piss scented copy of Midnight Sons #1 I'm going to choke somebody. Seriously, people, unless it's from 1975 or earlier or it's a big deal issue i.e. somebody dies, first appearance, is a 1:100 variant nobody is going to want it. Or go sell it on ebay. Put the buy it now price as heroin. (The store is in Baltimore and...it's Baltimore...Heron capitol of the east coast.) Also, to that same end...

#2) Just because you are calling a comic book store I, personally, do not know how much your comic book is worth. If I had a dollar for every person who called in to ask how much X book (sometimes it is an X-book) or books is worth , well, I'd probably be able to go to Morton's or buy a DSi. Go buy a copy of Overstreet. Or pay us money for appraisal. As in I will read Overstreet for you and you will pay me for the service. As well as give an accurate appraisal of the book's condition.

#3) Should have been number one to me...STOP PUTTING BARACK OBAMA ON COVERS. Mainly Wizard. Yes, people will buy anything with Obama on it. Yes, Obama is featured on two pages (he likes Spider-Man and owns a Wii). But goddamn is that a shallow ploy to increase sales on, frankly, a dying publication that is slowly being needled into obselessence. The man's the first black president...not chromium. Stop using the man like chromium. Look, if it's a comic, and it's not a blatant sales ploy (Like that Savage Dragon endorsement issue that eventually turned into a speculation juggernaut) that's fine. If the story isn't hastily thrown together shit that's fine too. If it's a calcualted sales ploy or hastily thrown together shit, well, stop. But you won't. And I'm hard pressed to think of a comic that would really benefit from an Obama crossover. Unless Obama, Rocket Racer and Night Thrasher are doling out skateboard justice. That's a freebie.

#4) How come the shit books are the ones that always come out on time, more or less? Ultimates 2: a full year in between issues. Supergirl: oh, it'll be there like fucking clockwork. Old Man Logan: slight delays. Young X-Men: I swear Mussilini was editing it because it always ran on time. Food for thought. Although plenty of shitty books take their sweet time with it too, and yes, it's all objective. And yes, one man's shitty is another man's less shitty.

#5) Do I need this many spin offs? Yes, some of them are actually pretty decent. And yes, I should have some restraint, but damn there are a lot of spin off minis these days. Remember the 90's.

#6) Stop putting Halo: Uprising #4 in the solicits. I have been doing the numbers for this issue sporadically for about a year now. It just shows up every week for a month or two and then goes back into the ether with the rest of the JMS run on Squadron Supreme (why must I suffer like this? I meant the JMS never coming out. I could really care less about the Halo) I will say though on it's behalf that they did the best they could with the "rich and original" Halo mythos. What? The games were about as generic sci-fi as they get. The fact that the book is even engaging is a triumph. Although, I think they may have missed their window...the game came out almost two years ago.

#7) Way to ruin zombies. It was cool at first. Zombie Hulk eats somebody turns back into Zombie Banner and a guy bursts out because of the size differential. Walking Dead is a solid read. Crossed is a novel approach, and they're not really zombies. But goddamn the glut of zombie books over the last couple of years is just ridiculous. Really the point I'm making is that I don't want zombies to meet the same fate as ninjas, or Chuck Norris. Just because the horse doesn't stay dead dosn't mean you should keep beating it.

#8) Stop making me describe things in Previews to you over the phone. No more need be written.

#9) You shouldn't drastically alter the status quo more then once every two years. Marvel is doing it right. Initiative ran its course and Dark Reign is going fine so far. It's actually kind of more entertaining across the board. Granted, more engaging books were created in it's wake: Dark Avengers > New Warriors. And seeing as most newly minted titles have a 5-10 month (not issue) window before the casual fan drops it (I see it happen literally every wednesday): it's a good idea to go for a bi-annual shake up seeing as the survivors may need to draw fickle fans back in.

#10) Yeah, um, how do I put this delicately...can I get some more words in my books? If I'm paying three to four bucks it should take me more then three to four minutes to read it. Sometimes a quick read is satisfying. If the book has great art or no word is wasted. Sometimes it works with the pacing. Most times it feels like you're actually reading a sixth of a story (because you are). That's all I'm saying. It's definitely not across the board, but damn. You know who you are. Peace.