Earlier in the year, during one of my sporadic periods of updating this, I proclaimed that I was more interested in AVX than Before Watchmen, and I stand by that, mainly due to my Marvel Zombie-dom and my fetishistic need to complete story arcs. While the Darwyn Cooke crafted Minutement piqued my interest in the store, I have kept to my resolve, for once, and have not given DC my money, yet. During this same brief period of diligence, I made some claims as to what would happen, which I was totally wrong about. This is mainly because I don't think any of us saw what was going to happen, which is a nice twist for a summer event. At the same time though, I, as a reader and consumer, have a slight issue. Not to belabor the point with purple prose, which I am loathe to admit that I do engage in (the most opulent of garrulousness calls to me), I'm kinda bummed out that the they've pretty much combined two of the more recent-ish summer events into one big ass summer event.
Okay, the Phoenix Five, Oceanic Six (I'm working on a Lost porn parody called Oceanic Dicks btw...well I have a treatment written), are fundamentally "The Worthy". You take a group of characters; you jack them up and possess them; this time the twist is that they're feel that trying to save the world instead of destroy it. More plainly stated though is the connection to House of M what with the "No More Avengers" tagline. I find this one far easier to swallow as it is a plain allusion to one of the more "game changing" (I die a little bit every time I type it, or really half of these posts about comic books) events in the previous decade. Anyway, my issue with the book is just that they're aping plot beats from last year's event, which I did not particularly care for, although I do loves me some Immomen and Fraction. I like the talents on AVX, as there is less vitriol here than any comic book blog ever. I'm looking forward to the Copiel art as I don't see enough of it for my tastes, and it makes the House of M connection, beyond the ads, Scarlet Witch, Pax-Whatever, even more salient.
So we'll see I guess. As mentioned above, I'm going to give Marvel my monies until the end of this thing in September. I'm curious to see what happens at the end of it after they kill Cyclops, they kind of have to, as it would in turn mirror the events of Civil War, as the losing general must die. I'm hoping that this Phoenix Five bit is winkingly self-referential. I'm hoping, in all honesty, that this loose bastard amalgamation (Hey, who wants a new issue of JLX? Just me? How's about Generation H for H.E.R.Oor whatever they called it) chimera of previous summer events leads to a legitimately refreshing Re:X:Genesis:Fatal:Blood:Attraction:Cutioner's:Future:X-Tinction:Complex-topia. As I do enjoy comic books, they're a nice light read. Granted they may be infuriating at times due to myriad inconsistencies which are discussed at length throughout the blogosphere. That said, I don't know why Cyclops is wearing red BVDs over his outfit. I am wondering how absolute power will corrupt and how absolutely. Also, let's just hope that everything doesn't get retconned immediately after the event, like last year, I do enjoy Winter Soldier, so it's all good I guess. So that's really it. Overall, everything I said earlier was wrong; it happens. The book overall is okay. Some of the stuff in the AvX: Versus book is pretty fun. Thank God that they didn't create a bunch of 3-4 issue ancillary titles that do not really serve the main book, as has been rampant in the past (Frontline: I'm looking squarely at you). So as far as summer event books go, You've bought way worse imaginary reader. I know it sounds like faint praise, but this is someone writing about comic books on the internet; anything short of excoriation or proclaiming that Creator X be ritually sacrificed/sodomized by the aforementioned chimeras should be considered the most gushing of praise. So that's the verdict, main book pretty good. Some of the tie-ins have been good, although I did think that Avengers #27 jumped around a bit, and I was confused as to how everyone ended up on Hala. Although in fairness, I'm not even sure which Supremor it is or any of that as I thought he got murked (black people talk for killed) by the pan-dimensional, and not dead, Black Bolt with the 5 wives (I enjoy Fantastic Four, yet at times cannot cogently tell you what the hell has happened during Hickman's run. Save the Willie Lumpkin issue (obviousness of twist/odd questions about playing God and morality raised/ illustrates the "why do people have cancer when you have a "God Mitten" thing floating around and routinely punk out a galactic force of nature, have a prison in a sub-dimmension/everything Reed Richards does and you've got cancer running around killing mailmen) it's been a solid read the entire time. Massive digression aside it's fun stupid punching with massive stakes. IT takes me back to my youth when fun stupid punching was the thing and it's got Gambit fighting Captain America (although in my youth I would have said Gambit would win, but everyone loved Gambit then. Many of us still do.) So there you have it. The most longwinded way to say that a comic summer event is pretty all right/ you're already buying it/ you've bought way worse.
Quick pics: Cyclops dies. The Blue team, realizing the error of their ways un/schis and reconvene in NY... probably not, Red Hulk dies, one of two things happen: Emma Frost realizes that Cyclops has gone too far militant and ends him 2) she gets in the way, he kills her, remorsefully sacs himself to put things right. More mutants. The Phoenix brings rebirth of...Maggot (A boy can dream)! But yeah, it's looking like the new new may be rooted in 2005 (more mutants). But that's the nature of the medium: what's old is new again. I mean there's only so many times that you can change the status quo in a certain direction, which both companies have had to do in the last two decades (Especially the New 52...which I guess more on that later). Sometimes though, that big new direction is taking things back a couple of years. It allows us older, wistful fans to reminisce while reading a new product, and it provides a jumping on point for the new..I can't say it with a straight face...there are no new readers coming in in droves. Not due to the quality of the work, but kids don't fucking read anything. I teach them; they don't. I mean I guess if you relaunched X-Men as a monetized Twitter account you could get them in... maybe the children kids will get into it, but these helicopter parents and combining that with all of these new found concerns over violence in... it's just look people sometimes get back into the books after a hiatus; some kids are being brought in, but they'd rather watch Teen Mom than Thundercats....it's a rambly pambly Friday... Anyway, a return to an entirely alien yet largely familiar (it's as non paradoxical as anything if you think about it) isn't really that bad of a thing. It's how the medium works. It's how it functions. If anything, AVX is the beast in nature: it's a new, but familiar, story that has fooled you into thinking it's new, but has kept your interest by engaging you through the craft of those involved. Finally, that's about it really.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Oh no, Promotheus... Prometheus - reviewed (not by Jay Sherman)
As you, imaginary reader, may have noticed there has been a fair amount of controversy surrounding Ridley Scott's summer film Prometheus: based mainly on inanity and decision making. Yes, while some may argue that the baffling at times idiocy of the film's principles as a wanton betrayal of the franchise (I guess?) I would argue that these forays into dullardry are at the crux of the franchise. Before addressing that hyperbolic statement though, there must come an actual review of the film based solely on my experience in the theater.
I dug it. It's an incredibly well shot film with the sort of breathtakingly shot vistas and Gieger-esque set design that you would expect. However, Guy Pearce does look like a low rent Old Lo Pan in the make up they have him in. By and large I enjoyed the creature design. It was as pointedly, terrifyingly vaginal as anything else in the series and kept with the established aesthetic. The performances were solid with Michael, if this was a regular conversation- you know Magneto? ohhh, Fassbender and Noomi, Swedish Dragon Tattoo... it's in my queue, Rappace being at the forefront of it. Everyone else in the film brings the convincing acting (they sell those terrible decisions dammit), and Idris Elba talks like Cowboy Curtis but is still cool. I would also recommend seeing the film in 3D as, for once, it was not an after thought. While the technical elements, I felt, were all beyond satisfactory, we are left with the actual plot of the movie and it is a whole. This is, obviously, where the contention arises. Fuckin' Spoilers ahead.
So pretty much we were created by giant, irritable, space men who drink black shit fell in a river and spawned life. They hung out on Earth, left a map to a bioweapons planet, and decided to kill us about 2000 years ago. I say to this, okay. You see the thing for me, if you really do think about it is that the Alien films were originally envisioned, we're talking Starbeast here, as really good B-movies. It just so happened that Alien happened to be an incredibly well done and atmospheric sci-fi monster picture. Aliens peppered in action movie tropes and engaging characters, especially Bill Paxton. However, the crux of Aliens is poor decision making: let's go round up the perfect killing machine for crowd control. Alien 3 is itself just a poorly conceived film, in my opininon: let's say fuck the last movie that everyone liked and put her in spacejail with ROC and a single Alien. Alien Resurrection, which I feel really gets shat on unnecessarily, is based around the incredibly ill advised plan of growing mother frenching Xenemorphs for fiscal gain.
Moreover, yes, the characters in Prometheus get into unbelievably dumb situations, like getting lost in a thoroughly mapped cave or trying to touch an unknown life form for shits and giggles and not knowing how to strafe and the rest. And sure, it annoys me to know end when characters blithely talk about their faith in Christ in the face of resounding evidence to the counter. And yes, the ham fisted inclusion of the debate reminded me that I was watching a big budget summer film (as you must repeat the thematic elements these days) However, these movies, and countless other genre films, are based around allegedly educated people doing the fucktardingest things imaginable. I mean when you think Alien franchise you should be thinking A) vaginal imagery which belies concerns over fertility/ procreation (check) B) Horrible deaths (Check) C) Rock solid production values (Check) D) Protagonist succeeding in spite of the terrible decisions of everyone involved in the proceedings (check). The thing is though, it's a movie made for today's all inclusive big budget explosion summer, which I enjoy the explosions of. As such, it must blatantly reiterate any higher concept beyond explosions, America, and valor/comradery/ whatever the end of Con-Air was about. And I think that may be part of the issue. The other part being that back in olden times we had to get our spoilers from our dickish friends that are incapable of not discussing a movie's ending in front of you because they feel that whatever pithy observation they feel they are making is more important than human decency. As is to say, you can have a negative reaction to the film's content without seeing it in execution, which is a detriment to Prometheus as it beautifully tells a story that's kinda dumb at times.
I dug it. It's an incredibly well shot film with the sort of breathtakingly shot vistas and Gieger-esque set design that you would expect. However, Guy Pearce does look like a low rent Old Lo Pan in the make up they have him in. By and large I enjoyed the creature design. It was as pointedly, terrifyingly vaginal as anything else in the series and kept with the established aesthetic. The performances were solid with Michael, if this was a regular conversation- you know Magneto? ohhh, Fassbender and Noomi, Swedish Dragon Tattoo... it's in my queue, Rappace being at the forefront of it. Everyone else in the film brings the convincing acting (they sell those terrible decisions dammit), and Idris Elba talks like Cowboy Curtis but is still cool. I would also recommend seeing the film in 3D as, for once, it was not an after thought. While the technical elements, I felt, were all beyond satisfactory, we are left with the actual plot of the movie and it is a whole. This is, obviously, where the contention arises. Fuckin' Spoilers ahead.
So pretty much we were created by giant, irritable, space men who drink black shit fell in a river and spawned life. They hung out on Earth, left a map to a bioweapons planet, and decided to kill us about 2000 years ago. I say to this, okay. You see the thing for me, if you really do think about it is that the Alien films were originally envisioned, we're talking Starbeast here, as really good B-movies. It just so happened that Alien happened to be an incredibly well done and atmospheric sci-fi monster picture. Aliens peppered in action movie tropes and engaging characters, especially Bill Paxton. However, the crux of Aliens is poor decision making: let's go round up the perfect killing machine for crowd control. Alien 3 is itself just a poorly conceived film, in my opininon: let's say fuck the last movie that everyone liked and put her in spacejail with ROC and a single Alien. Alien Resurrection, which I feel really gets shat on unnecessarily, is based around the incredibly ill advised plan of growing mother frenching Xenemorphs for fiscal gain.
Moreover, yes, the characters in Prometheus get into unbelievably dumb situations, like getting lost in a thoroughly mapped cave or trying to touch an unknown life form for shits and giggles and not knowing how to strafe and the rest. And sure, it annoys me to know end when characters blithely talk about their faith in Christ in the face of resounding evidence to the counter. And yes, the ham fisted inclusion of the debate reminded me that I was watching a big budget summer film (as you must repeat the thematic elements these days) However, these movies, and countless other genre films, are based around allegedly educated people doing the fucktardingest things imaginable. I mean when you think Alien franchise you should be thinking A) vaginal imagery which belies concerns over fertility/ procreation (check) B) Horrible deaths (Check) C) Rock solid production values (Check) D) Protagonist succeeding in spite of the terrible decisions of everyone involved in the proceedings (check). The thing is though, it's a movie made for today's all inclusive big budget explosion summer, which I enjoy the explosions of. As such, it must blatantly reiterate any higher concept beyond explosions, America, and valor/comradery/ whatever the end of Con-Air was about. And I think that may be part of the issue. The other part being that back in olden times we had to get our spoilers from our dickish friends that are incapable of not discussing a movie's ending in front of you because they feel that whatever pithy observation they feel they are making is more important than human decency. As is to say, you can have a negative reaction to the film's content without seeing it in execution, which is a detriment to Prometheus as it beautifully tells a story that's kinda dumb at times.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.
On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen. And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it. Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra. Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.
So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole. I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with. Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness. Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk. Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film. While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked. While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it. Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it. Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2. Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled. THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous).
*Spoilers*
About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand. THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan". Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating. So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie. While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.
#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order. I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic. My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward? I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit. You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin. While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work. You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin. Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil. Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE
While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty. It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember. He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems. More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole. Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly. And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works. If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.
#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.
We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good. This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really. Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain. Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe. I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked. Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.
#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?
Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present. Done. You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not. B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing. Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's. Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing. Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker. You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever. And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.
Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one. You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains. The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns. I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing. One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone. He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.
Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo. While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already. You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar. Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it. I also enjoyed the always angry thing. Also, the Hulk can fucking talk. He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced. There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit. Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward. Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie. I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.
Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something? I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage. They'll probably be used fro universe building. Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe? I don't know. Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman? Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe.
#4 - So who else are they going to do?
First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie. This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision. As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually? Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes. I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America. As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though. I've also heard rumblings of a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon? Rambling aside, I think we're done here.
So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions. The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently. Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note.
So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole. I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with. Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness. Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk. Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film. While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked. While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it. Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it. Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2. Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled. THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous).
*Spoilers*
About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand. THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about. Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan". Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating. So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie. While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.
#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order. I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic. My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward? I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit. You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin. While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work. You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin. Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil. Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE
While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty. It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember. He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems. More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole. Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly. And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works. If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.
#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.
We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good. This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really. Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain. Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe. I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked. Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.
#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?
Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present. Done. You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not. B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing. Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's. Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing. Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker. You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever. And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.
Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one. You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains. The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns. I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing. One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone. He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.
Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo. While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already. You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar. Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it. I also enjoyed the always angry thing. Also, the Hulk can fucking talk. He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced. There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit. Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward. Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie. I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.
Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something? I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage. They'll probably be used fro universe building. Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe? I don't know. Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman? Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe.
#4 - So who else are they going to do?
First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie. This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision. As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually? Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes. I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America. As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though. I've also heard rumblings of a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon? Rambling aside, I think we're done here.
So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions. The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently. Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Werewolf Beyonce
Well here is me doing the whole joke telling thing
I think it's pretty rad so did all of these fine people. Granted I'm biased. Like super biased. Anyway enjoy your weekend which this will hopefully facilitate and if it doesn't keep it to yourself as really self aggrandizement is what the internet is all about. And I'll be back with my reviews of Think Like a Man and the Lucky... I'm not even buying that and I'm writing it. Yeah.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
The World Ends with Cruise - The quickest movie review ever- Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
I enjoyed it. Tom Cruise runs a lot. He's pretty fast for a little fellow. The action scenes were inventive and well put together. I also enjoy Simon Pegg; Paula Patton is very attractive; Jeremy Renner doesn't get on my nerves. He gets on some people's nerves apparently.
Monday, April 16, 2012
So that happened - Cabin in the Woods Review.
It was awesome. That's really about it. If you're looking for an enjoyable and incredibly meta rumination on genre fare that is both all encompassing with clever dialogue and that is rather funny, go see it.
Granted, it was not traditionally scary really, but I did get some decent jumps in. Pretty much, a cogent review analyzing the greater over arching themes of the film would greatly diminish your enjoyment imaginary reader. So with that in mind, I feel that keeping it terse would really be appropriate. Pretty much, every review I've read of it has been accurate. It is fundamentally what would happen if you took the self aware snark of the original Scream and applied it to the entirety of the horror genre: the entirety. You take that and then you frame it with an interesting and logical (as much as can exist in horror films) overall narrative. To get into any more detail would spoil some of the more amusing moments in the film. To do this would rob you of the overall enjoyment of the film hence the intentional vagueness.
However, the film has some very minor faults which are as follows. 1) Yes, apparently you do have to spell everything out for the modern American film audience: nature of the beast. Judging by comments made by other theater goers outside of the Sunday late show...some people do need everything explicitly stated to them at the movies. 2) The ad campaign for it really does do the film a disservice: yet again nature of the beast. Pretty much, you have to illustrate the hook in the ads to separate it from the common horror movie. Fortunately it ends there. Problematically though, the campaign, as always, revealed some things to me, too many really. It happens.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I feel remiss saying this about a horror movie, but it really was delightful. Yes, I would use the word delightful to describe it. If you love horror movies as I do go see it. Anything else said would diminish the viewing experience. Just try and avoid reading about it on the internet. Try and avoid the rampant spoilers that are around. Go see the movie with an open mind and with reasonable expectations and enjoy it. That's really it; it's really just fun genre eschewing fare that is beyond meta which fits our troubling, disconnected times and has titties in it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Summer Loathing - Sitting out a Summer Event
This summer is looking up for the nerds as we've got Avengers and Dark Knight Rises, so there are at least two summer blockbusters that won't disappoint (because dammit Nolan could probably make Bat-Mite work honestly even if Bat-Mite was all CG and voiced by Eddie Murphy. Actually, I take that back; that would be fucking amazing...you know. Also, the new GI Joe can't be worse than the first one...right?). So as we've got the tent pole movies of every summer, we've also got 2 summer comic book events of every summer (down from 3 as the X-men and Marvel U general summer events are the same one for once) with AVX...obviously, and we've got the non company wide Before Watchmen. I'm thinking of sitting one out. As a borderline Marvel zombie, I will be following AVX as I really like the new energy that Aaron and Gillen have brought to the books. I read most of the Avengers proper because well they're generally engaging and like most comic book fans (I'm assuming from years as a fan and former comic shop employee that well people go apeshit for tie in books.) I'm a habitual completest. So pretty much, I'm not picking up anything I don't read for the tie ins, and I don't have to deal with the self contained tie in series that vacillate wildly in quality and relevance. So obviously, I'm going to be sitting out Before Watchmen (for the most part) and here's why.
Look, everyone loves Watchmen. I'm also going to put out there that the Watchmen movie was the best adaptation of a movie that never should have been made under any circumstances. What, it was engaging and the performances were pretty spot on. Sure, the ending of the movie was not the best, but I don't want to sit through another hour of movie because you have to add in the Black Freighter to add in the author of it and the island making that Cthulu thing (blah blah Architects of Fear- we all know; we're all clever; it's referenced in the book itself). So tangents aside, (what...dammit Bry) it's pretty much this - I revere the original work as everyone does; it truly is a nearly flawless work of sequential artistry. It deserves the accolades it has gotten. Yet as a nearly flawless, work there is one implicit caveat that must be accepted: it tells a complete story. Even if not labored about, we can see both explicitly and tacitly the character arcs that moved Rorschach from slightly disturbed costumed crime fighter (what you're putting on a costume to fight crime) to um Rorschach. The same can be said of possible homosexual Adrian Viedt and the rest. So off the bat, it's not because you simply shouldn't mess with a classic (even though it usually doesn't work); it's that I personally don't know if there is anything you could really add to the character arcs that would really clarify things or themes that could be expanded on that would provide new insight.
White hot rooms have to have doors right? And it wouldn't be totally surprising for someone to die at the end of an event and then get better (Prof. X - Messiah Complex). I mean he died (again) and came back 3 weeks later to little fanfare with walking legs and psychic powers in tow. Also, it seems to be a recurring trend of late to totally undo the changes made in an event after said event (Fear Itself .1 issues). So, pretty much the end game I predict is this: Cyclops dies stopping, something, that is keeping Hope and the Phoenix from merging. Hope does whatever, whispers "um, more mutants?" Phoenix obliges. Leaves/ is Jean Grey/ is all like, "sorry, bro." I would actually pay extra to see that be the exact dialogue.
Why not? They're still pretty popular. And if anything there is a certain cyclical nature to the beast. It's also the only way to have one of these senses shattering everything changes events where, um, anything changes, aside from shit going all Days of Future Past. It makes sense on a storytelling level and just a logical level. Pretty much an Avengers win a battle/lose a war. Wolverine probably has a last second or mid event change of heart. Cyclops' heroic actions make Cap think twice about what have you. Everyone saves face/ characters are redeemed. Although, ideally the book ends with Storm, T'Challa, Luke Cage, Moses Magnum, and Misty Knight forming a secret black cabal called the Cluminati secretly ruling the Marvel U. And they call the period afterwards Darker reign or Candy Reign, I fucking love that song. Yes, that was my prediction for after Siege. Yes, I made that joke years ago on I want to say Myspace. Still waiting.
#1 It's not a sacred cow thing.
Shouldn't Pig Pen be Rorschach?
Look, everyone loves Watchmen. I'm also going to put out there that the Watchmen movie was the best adaptation of a movie that never should have been made under any circumstances. What, it was engaging and the performances were pretty spot on. Sure, the ending of the movie was not the best, but I don't want to sit through another hour of movie because you have to add in the Black Freighter to add in the author of it and the island making that Cthulu thing (blah blah Architects of Fear- we all know; we're all clever; it's referenced in the book itself). So tangents aside, (what...dammit Bry) it's pretty much this - I revere the original work as everyone does; it truly is a nearly flawless work of sequential artistry. It deserves the accolades it has gotten. Yet as a nearly flawless, work there is one implicit caveat that must be accepted: it tells a complete story. Even if not labored about, we can see both explicitly and tacitly the character arcs that moved Rorschach from slightly disturbed costumed crime fighter (what you're putting on a costume to fight crime) to um Rorschach. The same can be said of possible homosexual Adrian Viedt and the rest. So off the bat, it's not because you simply shouldn't mess with a classic (even though it usually doesn't work); it's that I personally don't know if there is anything you could really add to the character arcs that would really clarify things or themes that could be expanded on that would provide new insight.
#2 Because prequels are so great?
In fairness, this was the same magazine that proclaimed that The Knack were the "New Beatles"/It's sad that only one of the three tragedies on this cover is still talked about today. (burn...me?)
I don't know if you guys remember Episodes I-III of a little indie franchise called Star Wars (Although Before Star Wars may be a better title). In the case of Star Wars while there may have been a genuine intent to add to the mythos of Star Wars - it kind of ended up a poorly thought out ancillary cash grab that did precious little (for me) than muddy my love of the franchise and waste 20-30 dollars over the span of a few years. Granted, X-Men First Class was awesome, but I'm not even sure that is a prequel to the earlier X-men movies (Although confusing and contradictory continuity in the films is kind of a wink to the comic book franchise). And the Watchmen prequel video game was a failure on literally every level (at least the demo I played). It was an uninspired beat em up that loosely followed a story line that was mentioned in the comics and not flushed out for the valid reason of irrelevance.
# 3 The creative teams will probably make me a liar and hypocrite though
Okay, so I'm probably going to at least flip through the Comedian and Minutemen books. What? Darwyn Cooke on Minutemen is a no brainer for doing the book itself. Azzarello and Jones on the Comedian... I love Jones but if you put Bermejo on it you can bank on people's fond memories of the Luthor and Joker books. At the same time though, I'm dubious of whether I'll actually purchase them or read them in the store (which as an employee for life of a local comic books store I am within my rights to do). So that's really it for that part of it; the creative teams are solid all around and under normal circumstances I would be inclined to read a book by them but unfortunately....
#4 It speaks to an unfortunate trend facing the modern funny book.
The kids don't like words in their comics that much. As is to say, I don't know why you need however many issues to tell the ancillary tales of characters that were well rounded with full well rendered arcs and rich backstories in 12 issues. Look, I do enjoy the decompressed wide screen comic book when done well. While I'm sure the talent assembled will put out top caliber work, it'll be divorced from the source material on the fundamental level that comic book writing has changed drastically since 1985-86. That's really it; the beast has changed in such a way that there has to be a fundamental story telling disconnect between the two. I feel that even though (sight totally unseen) these collected works will be so structurally different that even though they feature the same characters they may feel alien...or not.
As for AVX
The first issue was kind of meh because I had read at least half of it in the form of previews on the internet and other comic books. I mean I think like 4 pages of it were really new content to me. Also, a former comic shop employee pointed out that there was a conflict between #0 and #1 relating to the characters' reactions to the general destruction in NY. It also seemed that Ms. Marvel forgave Wanda really quickly (I will not speak to Children's Crusade...the internet has done that for me...I do enjoy that Jim Cheung though.)
As I've always been good at predicting the ends of summer events (I won a $50 bet on the end of Secret Invasion), I will now give a prediction based on a single issue and a tie in book.
1. Cyclops dies at some point
Like on Fringe! I hear. I liked the show, but my TV dance card is so full.
He's been kind of a dick of late. What? He has. Pretty much in these events someone has to die and logically speaking he's the most likely. Granted, I've been wrong before though. Part of me wanted to say Cable but he's died and gotten better during so many of these summer events. If it was Magneto, who would care really he's tied with Jean Grey on the dying and coming back thing (fact check?). Hope is on there but Phoenix and death and rebirth you know. While Wolverine would be...never happen ever. Oh, unless this new Capt. Marvel thing is an oakey doke and Carol Danvers eats it but why? So process of elimination leaves us with Cyclops.
2. The Phoenix brings with it Death Rebirth and... a soft reboot.
I'm hoping that there isn't a full on line wide New 52 reboot. Granted they did leave the Bat and GL books largely untouched which...just keep some consistency on some of the books I read and we'll see. I mean if anything the New 52 did get me to buy some new titles for 3-6 issues. So good job I guess. I don't know. It'll probably happen. If anything, your average comic book fan is your typical abused partner. We take our lumps. We vent about it (taking up lets say 5% of the internet), but we always come back. Although the numbers are nowhere near where they were 20 years ago, well, people have their limits on things - spider clone/ general shitiness/ 90's comics are great for beating up on- even if I did love many of them at the time and to a point. Anyway, it's probably going to happen, and I don't know if we'll have a Jean Grey School for Higher Learning or Jean Grey at a school for higher learning - although I'd doubt it.
#3 - Deus ex Grey
Commence Slashfic/ ready Boner Jams 12 countdown!
White hot rooms have to have doors right? And it wouldn't be totally surprising for someone to die at the end of an event and then get better (Prof. X - Messiah Complex). I mean he died (again) and came back 3 weeks later to little fanfare with walking legs and psychic powers in tow. Also, it seems to be a recurring trend of late to totally undo the changes made in an event after said event (Fear Itself .1 issues). So, pretty much the end game I predict is this: Cyclops dies stopping, something, that is keeping Hope and the Phoenix from merging. Hope does whatever, whispers "um, more mutants?" Phoenix obliges. Leaves/ is Jean Grey/ is all like, "sorry, bro." I would actually pay extra to see that be the exact dialogue.
# 4 - More Mutants
Because nobody demanded it! Actually, I've put Maggot through enough over the years. He could team up with Whiz Kid?
Why not? They're still pretty popular. And if anything there is a certain cyclical nature to the beast. It's also the only way to have one of these senses shattering everything changes events where, um, anything changes, aside from shit going all Days of Future Past. It makes sense on a storytelling level and just a logical level. Pretty much an Avengers win a battle/lose a war. Wolverine probably has a last second or mid event change of heart. Cyclops' heroic actions make Cap think twice about what have you. Everyone saves face/ characters are redeemed. Although, ideally the book ends with Storm, T'Challa, Luke Cage, Moses Magnum, and Misty Knight forming a secret black cabal called the Cluminati secretly ruling the Marvel U. And they call the period afterwards Darker reign or Candy Reign, I fucking love that song. Yes, that was my prediction for after Siege. Yes, I made that joke years ago on I want to say Myspace. Still waiting.
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