I just Assembled in my Pants: The Avengers movie and moving forward.

On Saturday, I had the pleasure of seeing Marvel's The Avengers, yes it should be Kirby and Lee's THe Avengers, but this is Earth- 1, or whatever, so that just isn't going to happen.  And yes, one could make the argument, and many have, that the ritualistic sodomizing of Jack Kirby through contractual chicanery may be grounds for not seeing the movie, but...fuck it.  Yes, cynicism has won, as always, and my movie dollar protest would change nothing is what I tell myself/ EXPLOSIONS/ I have paid to see far, far worse movies #Elektra.  Baby sized diatribe aside, on to the review of the film *spoilers ahead fictional reader*.

So, in a nutshell: The Avengers was, how do I put this, fucking awesome, no hyperbole.  I am more than likely going to see it again, in 3D, as there was a protest levied amongst the group that I went with.  Frankly, it didn't matter as the movie, while it started a touch more slowly than some would have liked, was wall to wall fucking awesomeness.  Seriously, Mark Ruffallo played the fuck out of a less dour, and infinitely more entertaining Hulk.  Jeremy Renner didn't fuck it up as Hawkeye and was actually pretty decent in the film.  While I have enjoyed Hawkeye in the comic books for years, much to the befuddlement of co-workers at Amazing Spiral, I was a touch nervous, but the character worked.  While I don't know if a Hawkeye feature is truly viable, I'd still probably see it.  Pretty much, the disparate character personalities that have always been a part of the legacy in the comic book/ the idea of gelling in the face of adversity really worked and brought much of the film's humor, which was a large part of it.  Even ScarJo worked for me in the movie, and I had my reservations about the character having seen Iron Man 2.  Aside from the more human elements of performance and chemistry, the fight scenes were rather deftly handled.  THere was genuine excitement during them, and they delivered in the categories of bombast and, yet again, surprising humor, to non- Whedonites...(I'm not surprised when he's funny; he's always funny...reference Cabin in the Woods review... calling it a review may be generous). 


*Spoilers*




About the end credits, yeah *Spoiler* I wish that I had not seen the *spoiler* about Thanos beforehand.  THe nice thing though, is that if you say the name in front of the average non fanperson they will have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  Had I not known about this, frankly, I would have freaked the fuck out, as a fan of the "Mad Titan".  Needless to say, my mongrel heart was beating.  So, yeah...go the fuck to the theaters and see the mother fucking movie.  While my enthusiasm is clear and earnest though, I am left with some questions moving forward.

#1 How the fuck do you top that?
Seriously, that's a tall order.  I'm sure that THanos wielding the Infinity Gauntlet (look it up imaginary reader) will make for an epic.  My real question though, is will audiences be satisfied by individual films moving forward?  I ask this because A) while the Iron Man movies have been  great to all right his rouges gallery is for shit.  You've got some scarred up chick he used to bang out, Madame Masque, a bunch of dudes in armor, Crimson Dynamo, Cobalt Man, Titanium Man etc., a Living Laser, Living Laser, natch, and finally the Mandarin.  While he has spent the better part of the last century being a throw back to the delightful and incredibly racist portrayal of Asians from the forties, think Fu-Manchu, but slightly less animal looking, he has been more recently portrayed as a timeless lunatic businessman, which could work.  You could also take the current Fraction arc, which involves a revitalized and enhanced rouges gallery working under the umbrella of the MAndarin.  Which could work because you don't need an entire movie to introduce say the Melter- he melts shit, is evil or Living Laser, he is turned into a laser, lives, is evil.  Just please, one thing: DO NOT DO DEMON IN A BOTTLE

While revered by comic book fans, the Demon in a Bottle story arc is for all intents and purposes...kinda shitty.  It starts off with Tony Stark getting caught up in the machinations of some island hermit protesting, I don't remember.  He catches a bunch of shit for his alcoholism, then he spends an incredibly dour issue dealing with his problems.  More to the point, Alcoholism does not make a compelling super villain for a summer tent pole.  Also, Ultimate Tony Stark is greater than symbol regular Tony Stark because he's a fun loving, poon hounding drunk, also regular Tony Stark's fortunes of late, have mainly revolved around getting shat on repeatedly.  And that's really it - the mildly drunk noble dilettante Stark works.  If I wanted to spend an hour in AA, I would go to AA.

#2 - The good thing though is that we've proven as a nation that the inherent silliness of the Marvel Universe can work.

We're willing to buy space gods as a culture, which is good.  This will allow for Atlanteans, Titans, Kree/ Skrull, anything to be doable in the films really.  Who knows, maybe one day we'll see Pietro and Wanda being raised by Bova on Wundagore mountain.  Maybe people will buy that a mutant with hex magic can totally love, marry, get knocked up by a robot, realize that the children were  actually the manifestations of said hex powers, watch them get turned into hands, no wait they're alive and the rest...maybe.  I mean they had the Chi...(whatever the Beta Ray Bill aliens) and it worked.  Going forward who knows what other shit that sounds silly when said aloud they could get to work on the screen.

#3 - And now the fan fic where I say what they should do for movies because anyone with an internet connection and a stack of comics and free time is qualified...at least I have semi-relevant degrees?

Captain America 2 - Simple, he fights Hydra in the present.  Done.  You've got A) juxtaposition with the first film that allows the viewer to see that even though the world may change around Captain America that the tenants of heroism do not.  B) Cap is best when doing the espionage thing.  Compare the Brubaker run to when Cap is say turning into a Werewolf or discovering a colony of hate bomb affected isolationists that act like its the 1800's.  Pretty much, Cap is best when he's doing his one man army/ slinking around thing.  Hydra as the foil allows for your Madame Hydra or your Baron Strucker.  You can fold whichever character you want under the umbrella - Taskmaster, Batroc the Leaper (what?), a rejuvenated Red Skull, Winter Soldier (They set it up enough in the first one), Crossbones...whomever.  And you can still do the whole man out of time, ceaseless moralizing while somehow making it bad ass thing that we all love Cap for.

Thor 2 - You do the whole adapt to humanity/ realize that our frailty gives us meaning shit from the first one.  You throw in Enchantress to add some romantic tension between him and Black Swan/ she's one of the viable villains.  The physical threat comes from the Executioner...he's got magic guns.  I'd say you could use Hela but you may want to go with a whole Chick A/ Chick B thing.  One is obviously evil, but the conflict comes from embracing godhood or humanity in bed/ he doesn't have the best rouges either...Radioactive Man...anyone.  He's a glowing Chinese national in a diaper.

Hulk - Do not deviate from the Ruffalo.  While we all love the conflicted dourness of the Bixby Hulk, enough already.  You go with the Ultimate Hulk as written by Millar.  Yes, he is afraid of it, but more of afraid of the fact that he enjoys it.  I also enjoyed the always angry thing.  Also, the Hulk can fucking talk.  He used to speak in complete sentences when first introduced.  There was Professor Hulk and Mr. Fixit.  Look, we all loved the TV show but we have to move forward.  Hulk gets off on it; he talks; we all enjoy the movie.  I don't know let's say he fights THe Leader or some shit...maybe throw in MODOK because I love MODOK, hate playing against him in MARCAP though.

Hawkeye and Black Widow- Fight AIM or something?  I mean either one is going to be a pat action thriller with espionage.  They'll probably be used fro universe building.  Either one could be good, but without the backstory on Widow (we doing infinity formula and similar products?) I mean if she's really a non aging 80 year old that could work maybe?  I don't know.  Hawkeye has the issue of Stark - nobody wants to see him fight Trickshot or whomever, Swordsman?  Sure, the argument could be made that you could put Winter Soldier in a Black Widow film, but that still leaves the questions of the Red Room/the whole being 80 thing that has not been addressed in the films/ may be hard to believe. 

#4 - So who else are they going to do?
 First off, legitimate genre websites have reported that Edgar Wright's long gestating Ant-Man is in production and that allows for the titular fun size wife beater to make an appearance/ probably a sloid movie.  This also allows for the Wasp to probably show up as well as Avengers mainstay villain Ultron/ the Vision.  As for the Vision, just...he's got the brain waves of the deceased Simon Williams, Wonder Man/ is a synthezoid/ can cry/ breed, but not really/ why don't his kids ever look him up actually?  Needless to say, his origins may be a touch convoluted, but you could just introduce Ultron and tease the Vision, who apparently nobody really likes.  I'd also say it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to add an Ultimate Falcon type in as the sidekick in the new Captain America.  As the science type who happens to use a winged harness is far niftier than the guy with the disco collar that talks to a bird, one bird specifically/ Falcon is all right by me though.  I've also heard rumblings of  a Guardians of the Galaxy which would be tits/ really confusing to people I think/ who cares though it's big screen Rocket Raccoon?   Rambling aside, I think we're done here.

So, what did we learn Charlie Brown?
The Avengers was a pretty tits action movie with a lot of laughs/ giant explosions.  The bar is set higher for the rest of the films coming after it/ I waste a lot of time at work and in general, and nobody likes the Vision, apparently.   Also, I still don't know if I liked X-Men First Class better...just as a side note. 

Werewolf Beyonce

Well here is me doing the whole joke telling thing

I think it's pretty rad so did all of these fine people. Granted I'm biased. Like super biased. Anyway enjoy your weekend which this will hopefully facilitate and if it doesn't keep it to yourself as really self aggrandizement is what the internet is all about. And I'll be back with my reviews of Think Like a Man and the Lucky... I'm not even buying that and I'm writing it. Yeah.

The World Ends with Cruise - The quickest movie review ever- Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

I enjoyed it. Tom Cruise runs a lot. He's pretty fast for a little fellow. The action scenes were inventive and well put together. I also enjoy Simon Pegg; Paula Patton is very attractive; Jeremy Renner doesn't get on my nerves. He gets on some people's nerves apparently.

So that happened - Cabin in the Woods Review.

It was awesome. That's really about it. If you're looking for an enjoyable and incredibly meta rumination on genre fare that is both all encompassing with clever dialogue and that is rather funny, go see it.

Granted, it was not traditionally scary really, but I did get some decent jumps in. Pretty much, a cogent review analyzing the greater over arching themes of the film would greatly diminish your enjoyment imaginary reader. So with that in mind, I feel that keeping it terse would really be appropriate. Pretty much, every review I've read of it has been accurate. It is fundamentally what would happen if you took the self aware snark of the original Scream and applied it to the entirety of the horror genre: the entirety. You take that and then you frame it with an interesting and logical (as much as can exist in horror films) overall narrative. To get into any more detail would spoil some of the more amusing moments in the film. To do this would rob you of the overall enjoyment of the film hence the intentional vagueness.

However, the film has some very minor faults which are as follows. 1) Yes, apparently you do have to spell everything out for the modern American film audience: nature of the beast. Judging by comments made by other theater goers outside of the Sunday late show...some people do need everything explicitly stated to them at the movies. 2) The ad campaign for it really does do the film a disservice: yet again nature of the beast. Pretty much, you have to illustrate the hook in the ads to separate it from the common horror movie. Fortunately it ends there. Problematically though, the campaign, as always, revealed some things to me, too many really. It happens.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I feel remiss saying this about a horror movie, but it really was delightful. Yes, I would use the word delightful to describe it. If you love horror movies as I do go see it. Anything else said would diminish the viewing experience. Just try and avoid reading about it on the internet. Try and avoid the rampant spoilers that are around. Go see the movie with an open mind and with reasonable expectations and enjoy it. That's really it; it's really just fun genre eschewing fare that is beyond meta which fits our troubling, disconnected times and has titties in it.

Summer Loathing - Sitting out a Summer Event

This summer is looking up for the nerds as we've got Avengers and Dark Knight Rises, so there are at least two summer blockbusters that won't disappoint (because dammit Nolan could probably make Bat-Mite work honestly even if Bat-Mite was all CG and voiced by Eddie Murphy. Actually, I take that back; that would be fucking amazing...you know. Also, the new GI Joe can't be worse than the first one...right?). So as we've got the tent pole movies of every summer, we've also got 2 summer comic book events of every summer (down from 3 as the X-men and Marvel U general summer events are the same one for once) with AVX...obviously, and we've got the non company wide Before Watchmen. I'm thinking of sitting one out. As a borderline Marvel zombie, I will be following AVX as I really like the new energy that Aaron and Gillen have brought to the books. I read most of the Avengers proper because well they're generally engaging and like most comic book fans (I'm assuming from years as a fan and former comic shop employee that well people go apeshit for tie in books.) I'm a habitual completest. So pretty much, I'm not picking up anything I don't read for the tie ins, and I don't have to deal with the self contained tie in series that vacillate wildly in quality and relevance. So obviously, I'm going to be sitting out Before Watchmen (for the most part) and here's why.

#1 It's not a sacred cow thing.

Shouldn't Pig Pen be Rorschach?

Look, everyone loves Watchmen. I'm also going to put out there that the Watchmen movie was the best adaptation of a movie that never should have been made under any circumstances. What, it was engaging and the performances were pretty spot on. Sure, the ending of the movie was not the best, but I don't want to sit through another hour of movie because you have to add in the Black Freighter to add in the author of it and the island making that Cthulu thing (blah blah Architects of Fear- we all know; we're all clever; it's referenced in the book itself). So tangents aside, (what...dammit Bry) it's pretty much this - I revere the original work as everyone does; it truly is a nearly flawless work of sequential artistry. It deserves the accolades it has gotten. Yet as a nearly flawless, work there is one implicit caveat that must be accepted: it tells a complete story. Even if not labored about, we can see both explicitly and tacitly the character arcs that moved Rorschach from slightly disturbed costumed crime fighter (what you're putting on a costume to fight crime) to um Rorschach. The same can be said of possible homosexual Adrian Viedt and the rest. So off the bat, it's not because you simply shouldn't mess with a classic (even though it usually doesn't work); it's that I personally don't know if there is anything you could really add to the character arcs that would really clarify things or themes that could be expanded on that would provide new insight.

#2 Because prequels are so great?

In fairness, this was the same magazine that proclaimed that The Knack were the "New Beatles"/It's sad that only one of the three tragedies on this cover is still talked about today. (burn...me?)

I don't know if you guys remember Episodes I-III of a little indie franchise called Star Wars (Although Before Star Wars may be a better title). In the case of Star Wars while there may have been a genuine intent to add to the mythos of Star Wars - it kind of ended up a poorly thought out ancillary cash grab that did precious little (for me) than muddy my love of the franchise and waste 20-30 dollars over the span of a few years. Granted, X-Men First Class was awesome, but I'm not even sure that is a prequel to the earlier X-men movies (Although confusing and contradictory continuity in the films is kind of a wink to the comic book franchise). And the Watchmen prequel video game was a failure on literally every level (at least the demo I played). It was an uninspired beat em up that loosely followed a story line that was mentioned in the comics and not flushed out for the valid reason of irrelevance.

# 3 The creative teams will probably make me a liar and hypocrite though

Okay, so I'm probably going to at least flip through the Comedian and Minutemen books. What? Darwyn Cooke on Minutemen is a no brainer for doing the book itself. Azzarello and Jones on the Comedian... I love Jones but if you put Bermejo on it you can bank on people's fond memories of the Luthor and Joker books. At the same time though, I'm dubious of whether I'll actually purchase them or read them in the store (which as an employee for life of a local comic books store I am within my rights to do). So that's really it for that part of it; the creative teams are solid all around and under normal circumstances I would be inclined to read a book by them but unfortunately....

#4 It speaks to an unfortunate trend facing the modern funny book.

The kids don't like words in their comics that much. As is to say, I don't know why you need however many issues to tell the ancillary tales of characters that were well rounded with full well rendered arcs and rich backstories in 12 issues. Look, I do enjoy the decompressed wide screen comic book when done well. While I'm sure the talent assembled will put out top caliber work, it'll be divorced from the source material on the fundamental level that comic book writing has changed drastically since 1985-86. That's really it; the beast has changed in such a way that there has to be a fundamental story telling disconnect between the two. I feel that even though (sight totally unseen) these collected works will be so structurally different that even though they feature the same characters they may feel alien...or not.

As for AVX

The first issue was kind of meh because I had read at least half of it in the form of previews on the internet and other comic books. I mean I think like 4 pages of it were really new content to me. Also, a former comic shop employee pointed out that there was a conflict between #0 and #1 relating to the characters' reactions to the general destruction in NY. It also seemed that Ms. Marvel forgave Wanda really quickly (I will not speak to Children's Crusade...the internet has done that for me...I do enjoy that Jim Cheung though.)

As I've always been good at predicting the ends of summer events (I won a $50 bet on the end of Secret Invasion), I will now give a prediction based on a single issue and a tie in book.

1. Cyclops dies at some point

Like on Fringe! I hear. I liked the show, but my TV dance card is so full.

He's been kind of a dick of late. What? He has. Pretty much in these events someone has to die and logically speaking he's the most likely. Granted, I've been wrong before though. Part of me wanted to say Cable but he's died and gotten better during so many of these summer events. If it was Magneto, who would care really he's tied with Jean Grey on the dying and coming back thing (fact check?). Hope is on there but Phoenix and death and rebirth you know. While Wolverine would be...never happen ever. Oh, unless this new Capt. Marvel thing is an oakey doke and Carol Danvers eats it but why? So process of elimination leaves us with Cyclops.

2. The Phoenix brings with it Death Rebirth and... a soft reboot.

I'm hoping that there isn't a full on line wide New 52 reboot. Granted they did leave the Bat and GL books largely untouched which...just keep some consistency on some of the books I read and we'll see. I mean if anything the New 52 did get me to buy some new titles for 3-6 issues. So good job I guess. I don't know. It'll probably happen. If anything, your average comic book fan is your typical abused partner. We take our lumps. We vent about it (taking up lets say 5% of the internet), but we always come back. Although the numbers are nowhere near where they were 20 years ago, well, people have their limits on things - spider clone/ general shitiness/ 90's comics are great for beating up on- even if I did love many of them at the time and to a point. Anyway, it's probably going to happen, and I don't know if we'll have a Jean Grey School for Higher Learning or Jean Grey at a school for higher learning - although I'd doubt it.

#3 - Deus ex Grey

Commence Slashfic/ ready Boner Jams 12 countdown!

White hot rooms have to have doors right? And it wouldn't be totally surprising for someone to die at the end of an event and then get better (Prof. X - Messiah Complex). I mean he died (again) and came back 3 weeks later to little fanfare with walking legs and psychic powers in tow. Also, it seems to be a recurring trend of late to totally undo the changes made in an event after said event (Fear Itself .1 issues). So, pretty much the end game I predict is this: Cyclops dies stopping, something, that is keeping Hope and the Phoenix from merging. Hope does whatever, whispers "um, more mutants?" Phoenix obliges. Leaves/ is Jean Grey/ is all like, "sorry, bro." I would actually pay extra to see that be the exact dialogue.

# 4 - More Mutants

Because nobody demanded it! Actually, I've put Maggot through enough over the years. He could team up with Whiz Kid?

Why not? They're still pretty popular. And if anything there is a certain cyclical nature to the beast. It's also the only way to have one of these senses shattering everything changes events where, um, anything changes, aside from shit going all Days of Future Past. It makes sense on a storytelling level and just a logical level. Pretty much an Avengers win a battle/lose a war. Wolverine probably has a last second or mid event change of heart. Cyclops' heroic actions make Cap think twice about what have you. Everyone saves face/ characters are redeemed. Although, ideally the book ends with Storm, T'Challa, Luke Cage, Moses Magnum, and Misty Knight forming a secret black cabal called the Cluminati secretly ruling the Marvel U. And they call the period afterwards Darker reign or Candy Reign, I fucking love that song. Yes, that was my prediction for after Siege. Yes, I made that joke years ago on I want to say Myspace. Still waiting.

Hey, something way less angry/ fever dream-ish: nerd parody song of the week

In my spare time when I'm not getting overly verbose and bitchy about things, I like to write terribly bad\nerdy parody songs in my car or at my desk. Long I have not shared them with the world. Today, though, everything changes (also: not a fantasy issue a real story, EVERYONE DIES!). Now, in an attempt to share my gifts with more than my cat and my friends when I'm drunk at bar, I give you this...Shipping off to Baron. A parody song that fully marries the spirit of Final Fantasy IV's Kain with the Dropcick Murphys and IRish people, I guess.

Shipping off to Baron
(To the Tune of Shipping off to Boston)

I'm a Dragoon peg
And I lost my head
Runnin' round with Golbez
I lost my head
I'm shipping up to Baron
(Lali-ho)
x3
I'm shipping off
To find my missing head
I'm a Redwing peg
And I lost my head
I hung around with Golbez
I lost my lehead
I'm shipping up to Baron
(Lali-ho)
x3
I'm shipping off
To find my missing head

See cause he lost his mind briefly what with the jealousy/magics. The more you know! Hopefully, this post results in hot and cold running ass. Because if it's one things the ladies love, its attempting to be like Weird Al and FFIV.

Everything Old is new Again...Incredibly Late Gaming Reviews Aimed at Nobody in Particular

Pretty much, due to delays in the production of The Skull Base and a particularly strong case of writers block on Currently Untitled Novel, I find myself back here writing for the single digits worth of people who have come here from a google search gone terrifyingly right. As such, I feel it is my right, nay duty, to opine on the latest in video games...that have been out for over a month and in some cases set the internet on fire with divisive rhetoric not seen since probably yesterday. There will be mild to heavy spoilers. You will see the most succinct review of a video game ever. We will all learn something. Mild twitters may effortlessly escape the larynx. Key word is may. Without further obfuscation of intent, we shall begin.

Mass Effect 3

It would be overly facile to excoriate Bioware on the conclusion of this game. That being said though, it was ungodly irksome. Rgardless of this well worn conclusion, overall, I would say that Mass Effect 3 was a fitting conclusion to the series. Past characters returned and there was a true sense of grandeur that can only be found in galactic carnage. Former decisions did matter throughout the game's narrative in instances like when the Rachni Queen that I let live for reasons that currently escape me, 2010 blizzard drinking. My earlier decisions in regards to the fate of the Krogan popped back up. There were legitimately resonant character beats and moments, especially with Garrus, everyone's favorite character. Then, much like my favorite whipping boy (not the book) Lost, everything fell to shit in the last act.

The reason for this being that ,like in the third Matrix film another favorite butt of nerd rage, something totally out of left field comes which crushes the narrative under its imperceptible weight. The main reason that this was so infuriating is, of course, that Mass Effect, like other Bioware titles, lives and dies by the illusion of choice and significance that the player's decisions are weighted by. Massive left turn aside though for 95% of the game these decisions do seem resonant. In the final act, all of these choices and galactic skulldrugery are all decanted into a differing space battle cinema and one of three choices. In the end, it does not matter that I chose to be a dick for three games because my friend Happy had the same options after three games of paragon play. While the ending cinematic was scant and the conclusion left me hollow, the game itself was still engaging. However, as the terminal game in the series it left me wanting on the most fundamental of levels as I had become invested in the characters over the last half decade. If anything though, the vitriolic excoriation of the developers by their ardent fanbase is just a testament to how wildly invested we all are in their creation. Also, Multiplayer was kinda meh. I mean I enjoyed it, but I didn't enjoy being forced into it to get the best ending. Also the maps were scant as far as number but that has been remedied. Also, people use your fucking medi-gel. Why are you hoarding it?

While this may seem like nothing more than base recriminations of shoddy work, it is not. The game actually made me feel bad about things I did (even though I just kept clicking the trigger for the renegade action/ I wish Tali was like, "Stop it, stop it; he's already dead.") which has not happened since KOTOR (when I made the wookie kill his Twi'lek companion at the end). It is not glorified rock, paper, scissors and fake sounding Asian accents like Jade Empire. The DLC while partially on disc was as enjoyable as any other Mass Effect DLC and worth my ten bucks. The fact that my levels carried over from 2 made Vicious Shepard a force of destruction from the start (if you go vanguard level biotic charge all the way first you get 100% shields with every charge. It perfectly compliments my reckless play style.) I mean look, Bioware made an amazing franchise which unfortunately falls the fuck off the wheels in the last half hour. And while the RPG elements get diminished with each iteration, they mainly got rid of the most annoying elements of it (scanning planets for hours/ broken inventory system/ THIS IS NOT A SPACE TANK SIM). I was truly engaged and excited for everything but the end which after years of disapointment from games (Yeah Zanarkand is a dream/ you just played 5 hours of blitzball for a character's final weapon, a character you don't use/ Everybody not named Zell or Laguna in FF VIII/ This is getting off topic/ Grand motherfucking Pulse/ Maybe I don't like Final fantasy anymore? That's a bummer. I enjoyed the half of XIII I played, to a point/ Wait I maxed the game clock on FF-X 2...Marijuana is a hell of a drug.)

Anyway you've already purchased this game if you were going to. If you haven't played the others first, you should you're really missing out if you haven't (mainly on blind rage/ fluid shooting/ fully realized characters/ FUCK KILL HATE!/ one of the most engaging IPs in the last decade regardless of medium.)

On the DLC - Yeah Day 1 DLC is kinda shitty, but you don't have to buy it. From the download size it seems that it wasn't completed when the game went gold (this assumption, like many things relating to video game discussion, is based on errant speculation). I felt that it was worth it. I mean I can understand why people are cheesed about spending an additional ten bucks at release. I also understand how used games are diminishing funds available for necessary and ever ballooning production costs which make things like this semi-essential. For the record, if you're that concerned about said ten dollars you have things you should be focusing on instead of Mass Effect DLC. On to the next one then.

SSX

It's a new SSX game that does not have skiing. I don't know if I'm as up on it as I was SSX 3. You either enjoy SSX, or you don't. That's all.

On the DLC - If you want to pay to not play the game so be it.

Street Fighter x Tekken

On the one hand, I thoroughly enjoy this game. I find the art style works well to encompass the feel of both franchises even if it is squarelf routed in SSF4AC-etc. I find that the combo system has found a nice place between the comparative rigidity of non MarCap Capcom fighters and the more intuitive timing based combo system of Tekken games. Due to this though, I don't know if it will be a hit on the competitive scene which is fine for people like myself who do not have the free time or inclination to get to that level. While some people may lament the inclusion of the gem system and its changing of game mechanics, I would say this: calm the fuck down.

If anything, crushing online play is probably the greatest detriment to the fighting game industry; more to the point though my argument is such: people don't like to know that they're shitty at video games. If anything, many of us use them as a brief respite for the overwhelmingly shitty way we lead our lives. More to the point, I will now recount my first online fighting experience. Years ago, I thought I was awesome at DOA. It started with heated bouts on the Dreamcast in college. It culminated with me getting a perfect on my old roommate while having a phone conversation and smoking a cigarette. I then took these purported, and illusory it seems skills onto DOA Online on the original Xbox where I was repeatedly juggled to death by the most cutthroat middle schoolers in Japan. This trend has continued. I constantly got metaphorically sodomized on MarCap 2 online. While I could actually beat people in MarCap 3 online (Ultimate or vanilla), I fear that my skills have regressed since that one weekend in March 2011 when I was on fire. The point being is that some people get rather put off by getting continually brutalized online, and fighting games are no longer at the acme of genre dominance as they were in my youth. I feel that making a popular and mechanically inclusive game is probably the best thing that could be done. (This is the internet; my opinions are lar. If you don't like it, *gay slur* *challenge fandom*)

However, this does not mean the game is without fault. Offline modes are a little bare bones, but it is a fighting game, to the point that it doesn't even have traditional standards like survival mode and the mission mode only clocks in at 20 challenges. I'm not entirely enamored of having to use set teams in Arcade mode, but I certainly understand the issues involving the generation of cinemas and such given the large cast. While this may seem like a cursory and shallow list of grievances, well, it is. The core game is fantastic...aside from one glaring and monumental issue. The severity of said issue is grand and a threat to the core beliefs that I as an American consumer hold dear. This is no mere hyperbole. I must shout it from the rooftops, "I am super pissed about the on disc DLC."

On the DLC - It is infinitely more difficult to defend a third of the content being locked on disc due to wanting added content for the handheld release on the PS Vita. It is not the ungodly expensive and occasionally nifty bonus costumes: it's all the characters. There is no feasible way to justify this. Certainly, Capcom have taken the tact that this virtual partition has saved the consumer the inevitable and always necessary turbo hyper or championship edition of the game. At the same time though, what? I can't believe I'm saying this, but I would actually prefer the dreaded online pass in this situation even though the main reason that I bought the game when I did was because it was used and slightly cheaper and saved ten whole dollars. I don't know it's maddening. What is even more maddening though is the fact that I know I will give Capcom their 20 American dollars to play as Bryan Fury and the rest. Nothing else really on the topic aside from it being a vicious cycle. Much like with everything else, the combined passion of a million enraged fanboys will amount to a wet fart, blind submission, and the rest.