Yeah...About That...Thoughts On 'Some Like It Hoth'

Well, first I've got some news. I've started a very poorly designed, and kind of sophomoric, blog at www.fanboyloathing.blogspot.com. So, if you enjoy the Lost stuff at...you should click over on it...so I can get a ten dollar check from Google for ad revenue...seriously. But, anyway, it's the exact same stuff and I've moved all of the arrested adolescent fanboy pontificating shit over there instead of posting it here. And now: Some Like It Hoth.

Firstly, they finally said it. That yes, Marvin Candle is Miles' father. It was pretty obvious from the season premiere: as I've been mentioning it in every post for the season. So, yeah.

Hurley and Miles: It's a good dynamic, but at the same time it's another case of Hurley's innate boyish innocence winning over a verbally abusive and jaded individual on the island (I'm not going to insult your intelligence by naming names), and in turn leading said jaded individual to make positive steps to being a better human being. But, at the same time, it also still works. It's entertaining television. And you don't want to change what works...or what the fans want.

The Empire Strikes Back: It was a funny bit. Nothing more to say about it except it related back to the story...which is pretty much what Lost is all about. (Big week for ellipses.)

The Kate/ Roger Workman angle - How is it that Kate even manages to fuck up when she is saving someone's life? I mean if Young Ben was smitten with Kate and that inadvertently led to his demise I'd just think that was Kate being Kate. However, this season has pretty much been a ot of Kate dropping the ball, in my opinion. I guess my real question is: How did she get so dumb in between season? Think about it. Sawyer pretty much gives them one demand: don't fuck up the deal with the Dharma. And pretty much every action of hers, while well intentioned, has been about fucking up the deal with the Dharma. Just saying.

What Stands In the Shadow of The Statue?: They're the remnants of the Dharma Initiative. Last week I said Widmore, but they're obviously not working with him...as you saw the episode. Someone was sending those food drops in Season 2...which don't make a lot of sense in retrospect. So, yeah, Dharma. It makes sense.

Farraday: Well, he was somewhere alright. Granted, I thought he went off with the hostiles or died so I was pretty wrong about it. Can't win them all. I am very curious, given Farraday's field of expertise, experience w/ the time travel and all just what he has been working on for the past three years. I don't know. I'm not really a 100% on what's going to happen with him so I'm going to give it an episode before I propose anything.

The rest of the season: Looks like they're going with the random shootout, nobodies safe arc that they went with at the end of Season 4. Works for me. It's kind of cool when the show goes a little '24' with the gunplay and the torture in the season finales. If anything I'm really just curious to see how everything is going to work out and how all of the disparate threads are brought back together.

What will probably happen: Juliet is going to die because of the V pilot. And it brings back the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle that has delighted and bothered viewers for years. Sayid is probably going to die. He shot a child, he's on his own during some sort of war attrition that's about to go down on the island...I don't know I think he's probably the second most likely cast member to get it. After Juliet. John Locke is finally going to take over...If he can ever find his people. You'd think the Others would be all over the plane landing on the Hydra island. Eh, who knows at this point. The Egyptian connection will finally be fleshed out...I'd hope. Jacob will show up...I mean at this point they've got to bring him out he's been kind of built up a lot over the years so...it's probably going to be a little disappointing if he's some dude, but we'll see. That's about it. Peace.

How 2 Win at Left 4 Dead

In my time of tenuous employment I have taken a fancy to Valve's Left 4 Dead. While it may not be a graphical powerhouse there is a certain magic to the the multiplayer in my opinion. I am seldom called the N word while in a lobby, and I am seldom called the F word mid match. Which is refreshing given my long career ruining afternoons in the Halo franchise. My only problem with Left 4 Dead is simply this: one competent player can never eclipse three shitty team members. With that in mind I have decided to write a brief FAQ on how you can, frankly, not eat a dick, metaphorically, at the game. Seriously, this is how you can not suck at the game...if you're willing to admit that you suck at it. Which is okay. I know I sucked, some, when I started.

Survivors

1) And this is easily most important thing: use your fucking headset. It's there for a reason. It seriously enhances the experience. Far moreso in the typical FPS becuse the point of the game is surival and not kills.

2) Leave the goddamn saferoom. The faster you get out the less time the infected have to prepare. Also, the whole irritate the other team by just staying in the safe room ploy really just irritates everyone involved. Lose gracefully and use the time that you would spend bitching out to play another game, hopefully more successfully.

3) Run fast, but not so fast that you lose your team. Yes, you can die in that safe room by yourself if someone has the sense to wait in there for you. And more survivors always beats more distance run. It should be a no-brainer really, but you'd be aghast at the number of times I see this happen. Either someone is too far behind to get saved or vice versa, with being too far ahead. And the game isn't called Left 3 Dead, now is it?

4) Don't lollygag. You're going to give the enemy too much time to spawn, and you're just going to irritate the hell out of me, frankly. Yes, searching for items is helpful. But those items are usually in a fairly set number of locations. Memorize those locations. And besides, you can't use those pain pills if you're downed.

5) The best way to survive the horde: corners and melee. If you're getting overwhelemd back into a corner and melee for your life. It actually is that simple. It also works on hunters...the melee I mean, and it demoralizes the infected player too. But, in seriousness, melee will work ninety percent of the time.

6) Also, remember those hiding spots for the Tank (behind the elevator, up on that debris in the hospital, anywhere with a chaingun...), and set him on fire before you do anything else, it will make everything easier. And for the love of god: don't go by the gas pumps. I have seen so many games fall apart from people either A) taking on the Tank in a small space or B) running by those fucking gas pumps. They explode, you die, I live and get annoyed for the thirty seconds before I get jumped and die as well. Follow those basics, learn your routes, learn the shortcuts (which I really don't feel like listing...just if you notice someone doesn't suck and is taking lead follow them and learn their route) and you'll be fine.

Hunters
1) Jump from heights. It does more damage, they don't see it coming and it looks cool if someone else sees it. And it's a good way to earn the respect of your teammates and peers.

2) When in doubt claw. If you're getting slapped around with the melee go for the claw. They will beat you to death if you go for the pounce. And the claw does more damage...inexplicably

3) If they are melee heavy players: land on their backs. You can either try a wall bounce or just run away and regroup. You'd think this would not need to be stated, but I've seen it happen a number of times.

4) And this goes for all classes of infected: just like with the survivors everything works better if you're all together. And secondly: always, always, always gor the stragglers. Everone should know that though.

Boomers
1) Don't forget the claw. You've got it and you can usually get in a hit or two if someone's back is turned.

2) Remember to play blocker. If someone is on top of a survivor block their teammates. The worst that will happen is that you get bile on the injured party and expidite the dying process. And you'll by your teammate a couple more hits.

3) Start with the downed. You would think that would go without saying, but it needs to be repeated. Pretty simple, right.

4) There's nothing wrong with suicide bombing if you can make it work...and if you can't you'll respawn in thirty anyway, and it's a video game.

Smokers

1) Go for ledges: stand over them. And you're harder to hit. Pull the survivors off of them and they take more damage. I could get into more detail, but really the key to smoking effectively is angles. You want to get the most hits possible and the best way to do it is to find a good angle.

2) Don't get over excited: you're not going to outrun the survivors, you don't really get that much damage on a one or two hitter. So, you're really better off laying low and waiting for your team to respawn. That's really it: be patient and pick a good line of sight and you'll be fine.

Tank
1) Most importantly see red. If you hit a survivor with a car that's an instant down. Forklifts, support beams, it's as effective as throwing a chunk of ground and way faster.

2)Seriously, focus on colors. Go for the wounded first...they're slower and one downed is going to make everything far easier.

3) Be patient. Nothing is worse then watching a Tank freak out and just chase whoever is closest and die without getting anyone downed or dead. Seriously, there is little worse then watching a Tank squander their shot without seeing results.

4)Avoid fire and go for the ledges. You take more damage when you're on fire, obviously. You hit someone off a building or ledge and they die. This is pretty simple sit, no. And if you follow all of these incredibly simple tips you'll do slightly better.

Black Lanterns Revealed...The No-Brainers.

First let's go with whom we know will be there: Earth 2 Superman, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter and I think Connor Kent (don't know if he's official yet, but come on.)

And now onto the other incredibly likely ones.

Ted Kord - It's going to happen. If there's a "Booster Gold" tie-in it's going to have, at the very least, a zombified Ted Kord in it. It makes so much sense that it hurts...in the pants. i mean you get the automatic reaction from the character of Booster Gold, and I mean come on. The guy's been dead for a couple of years and has shown up in a number of issues of the book.

Terra (#1) - Yet again it's a huge gimmie. There is a Titans mini and you're going to need more then just Connor to make it happen if there's going to be an entire mini based on the characters. I really have little more to add on it.

A Batman - As we know, Bruce Wayne kind of died this year. And there's bound to be a Batman mini going on. Although it's kind of for the best that Bruce is dead so as we don't have to deal with zombie Thomas and Martha Wayne. They'd totally do that. I mean I would. The reason that I say A Batman is that there's going to be an Earth-2 Superman involved, I think he was burried on Earth, but Earth-2 Batman is wicked dead as well...and it'd be a cute twist.

Pa Kent - It'd be a pretty big dick move, and Johns killed him. Johns is the man running Blackest. And you don't need super powers to break someone's heart.

A Flash - Barry Allen was supposed to lead them originally. Four speedsters is just too many. Bart's back...so he's out. Barry's back...and it might be too soon to kill him. Wally is fair game, but unlikely. And Jay Garrick...really? But, at the same time there are an entire littany of dead speedsters out there so we'll see.

The New Gods - Why not? They're dead. They managed to move a pretty sub par miniseries before "Final Crisis" on name recognition alone. And they'd give the big guns some formidible enemies to hit...if they can get them out of the source wall some how. Although two Super-men may be a fairly tall order to handle independently of the New Gods. It's a thought though.

Ralph and Sue - I'd hope not actually, but it would certainly get a fan reaction. I am in the camp that they'd let them stay dead. Bwa-ha-BRAINS indeed. In all honesty they seem like almost sacred cow characters and people may react negatively to see the two all zombied up.

Max Lord, Jade, Vibe, Gypsy, Osiris, Hawk and Dove, The Girl From The Fridge, Infinity Inc. (3?), Vigilante and a myriad list of characters to long to list- Jade's a pretty obvious one. Max Lord is a probable. Vibe is a definite in my book. Gypsy is a why not. Osiris...sure. I'd imagine there's going to be a fair amount of Black Adam throughout. Hawk and Dove...falls into the sure category. Fridge Girl from Green Lantern would be an interesting...she's dead, she fits into a fridge easily...it's going to happen. The rest...probably not the recent Infinity Inc. from 52 because they just don't have that much juice to be honest with you, but you never know. Look, there's a lot out there. I'm pretty positive about the ones I've listed up top so we'll see. Hopefully it's as good as Sinestro Corps. That is all

The Hardest Review I've Ever Written: Parks and Recreations.

I desperately want to like this show. I would go as far as to say that I, my friends and girlfriend all love Amy Poehler. I would giver my bone marrow. I think the guy from Human Giant, who's name I don't want to butcher, is fucking hilarious. I already miss him on "Scrubs". Rashida Jones is also quite funny, and I always liked Karen better then Pam...which I know is blasphemy. So, why am I writing a less then glowing review?

Simply enough: Entertainment Weekly. They wrote a four page article about how the show isn't incredibly similar to "The Office", and well, it is. It has the same faux-documentary format. It derives most of it's humor from awkwardness. And the main character is very similar to Michael Scott in a lot of ways. Now, I'm not going to write the show off after one episode. God knows I watched most of the season of "Kath and Kim" due to apathy and remote control loss, and this show is handily way funnier. And actually, I'd put "Parks" on the B-/ C+ bubble which is hardly a failing grade. It's just that I assumed that I would like it more. So, there you have it. It's an alright TV program, and may mature with time to be a solid member of the NBC Thursday lineup. Yet again, "Kath and Kim". That show was cloying and dated. And god knows that it will be better then American "AbFab". Which is a terrible idea.

Here we are again: Thoughts on Lost "Dead is Dead"

So, here we are again. All in all I would say that the episode was a success...except for one little thing. That little thing was, yes, the special effect with Ben and the whole "Lion King" flashback inside the smoke. It was, dare I say it, a Heroes level special effect, but it served it's purpose and I can look past it. And a lot of other business went down. Firstly Ceasar bit it. I guess he wasn't working for Widmore, but what's her name obviously is, the had a freaking code...la le lu li lo. And I think we're about to, at some point, see one of them finally get shot by Juliet...eventually. And the smoke monster showed up as Alex this time. Who is a dead person on the island. And it was trying to protect the island and...Christian Shepard is the smoke monster I can't harp on this enough. And, hey, Ben did the right thing for once by not offing Penny, and getting his ass beat by Desmond. Who I guess isn't going back to the island. Can't win them all. We got to see Ben steal Alex. Which was actually kind of easy really. And we got to see that Charles Widmore looked like with hair. And that he very well may be the bad guy. Although the fact that it took them so long to realize this seems a little suspect. What also seems suspect: Ben's total lack of knowledge that James Le Fluer was Sawyer. It's probably some sltered reality time travel shit that they do in comics, but...I don't want to explain this as it is both time consuming and any conclusion I come to will be unsatisfying. And I'm also more curious to see how the writers explain it...it will be more elegant then the explination I would give...hopefully. So what have we learned this week? Precious little really. Ben didn't kill Penny, which was a fifty fifty proposition anyway. It did show that Ben has a soft spot for the kinder, which would be obvious given his own less then pleasant childhood. Ben feels guilty over Alex's death...which he sould. That maybe he didn't plan for Locke's ressurection. But he kind of said he did in 316 so... He's a hard character to read what with the lying and the quality of acting. Oh, slight side note: the hair only adds so much to making Ben look younger. And Ethan looked kind of rough for being 27. He was born in 77 and died in 2004. It's small, but I'm just saying. As for next week. Looks to be a lot of Miles working with Marvin Candle (I forget his actual name and...you know who I'm talking aobut) Could we finally see that Miles is Marvin Candle's son? I'm going to say yes. And, maybe, just maybe, we'll see Farraday again...someday. He may be one of the dead people Miles talks with. I just don't know. And the future: Well, apparently the theme for this season finale is the fork in the outlet as last year was the frozen donkey wheel. So, I guess the time travel is going to come from the 70's and someone is probably going to short out the time travel pod in the Orchid. (You know people were freaked out by the polar bear at one point. How quaint.) Although Locke may set some wheels in motion in the present as well. I assume that he's going to have to do something with that wheel. Or at this point I don't even know really. It just poils down to that. They could discover just about anything on the island that would meet the purpose of time travel thus and such. So, yep that's about it. Good episode all told. They seem to be hitting the late season stride that happens just about every year. On a Matthew Fox side note: I saw Speed Racer the other day on Cinemax. I, honestly, don't understand why it was universally panned for one major reason: It's a movie based on the Speed Racer TV show. Have you ever watched a full episode of Speed Racer? It isn't exactly King Lear. It's actually kind of silly and nonsensical. And the movie was intentionally silly in the same vein so I thought it worked. That's about it really. And granted, they could have gone after the traditional Speed Racer viewers of old, but unless the movie came with free weed I think a lot of the older fans of the original show would wonder why they watched it in the first place. That is all.

Fanboy loathing: The ten (maybe) most irksome things (and comic store horror stories)

#1) Look junkies: nobody wants to buy your fucking comic books. It's really that simple. If I have to look at one more piss scented copy of Midnight Sons #1 I'm going to choke somebody. Seriously, people, unless it's from 1975 or earlier or it's a big deal issue i.e. somebody dies, first appearance, is a 1:100 variant nobody is going to want it. Or go sell it on ebay. Put the buy it now price as heroin. (The store is in Baltimore and...it's Baltimore...Heron capitol of the east coast.) Also, to that same end...

#2) Just because you are calling a comic book store I, personally, do not know how much your comic book is worth. If I had a dollar for every person who called in to ask how much X book (sometimes it is an X-book) or books is worth , well, I'd probably be able to go to Morton's or buy a DSi. Go buy a copy of Overstreet. Or pay us money for appraisal. As in I will read Overstreet for you and you will pay me for the service. As well as give an accurate appraisal of the book's condition.

#3) Should have been number one to me...STOP PUTTING BARACK OBAMA ON COVERS. Mainly Wizard. Yes, people will buy anything with Obama on it. Yes, Obama is featured on two pages (he likes Spider-Man and owns a Wii). But goddamn is that a shallow ploy to increase sales on, frankly, a dying publication that is slowly being needled into obselessence. The man's the first black president...not chromium. Stop using the man like chromium. Look, if it's a comic, and it's not a blatant sales ploy (Like that Savage Dragon endorsement issue that eventually turned into a speculation juggernaut) that's fine. If the story isn't hastily thrown together shit that's fine too. If it's a calcualted sales ploy or hastily thrown together shit, well, stop. But you won't. And I'm hard pressed to think of a comic that would really benefit from an Obama crossover. Unless Obama, Rocket Racer and Night Thrasher are doling out skateboard justice. That's a freebie.

#4) How come the shit books are the ones that always come out on time, more or less? Ultimates 2: a full year in between issues. Supergirl: oh, it'll be there like fucking clockwork. Old Man Logan: slight delays. Young X-Men: I swear Mussilini was editing it because it always ran on time. Food for thought. Although plenty of shitty books take their sweet time with it too, and yes, it's all objective. And yes, one man's shitty is another man's less shitty.

#5) Do I need this many spin offs? Yes, some of them are actually pretty decent. And yes, I should have some restraint, but damn there are a lot of spin off minis these days. Remember the 90's.

#6) Stop putting Halo: Uprising #4 in the solicits. I have been doing the numbers for this issue sporadically for about a year now. It just shows up every week for a month or two and then goes back into the ether with the rest of the JMS run on Squadron Supreme (why must I suffer like this? I meant the JMS never coming out. I could really care less about the Halo) I will say though on it's behalf that they did the best they could with the "rich and original" Halo mythos. What? The games were about as generic sci-fi as they get. The fact that the book is even engaging is a triumph. Although, I think they may have missed their window...the game came out almost two years ago.

#7) Way to ruin zombies. It was cool at first. Zombie Hulk eats somebody turns back into Zombie Banner and a guy bursts out because of the size differential. Walking Dead is a solid read. Crossed is a novel approach, and they're not really zombies. But goddamn the glut of zombie books over the last couple of years is just ridiculous. Really the point I'm making is that I don't want zombies to meet the same fate as ninjas, or Chuck Norris. Just because the horse doesn't stay dead dosn't mean you should keep beating it.

#8) Stop making me describe things in Previews to you over the phone. No more need be written.

#9) You shouldn't drastically alter the status quo more then once every two years. Marvel is doing it right. Initiative ran its course and Dark Reign is going fine so far. It's actually kind of more entertaining across the board. Granted, more engaging books were created in it's wake: Dark Avengers > New Warriors. And seeing as most newly minted titles have a 5-10 month (not issue) window before the casual fan drops it (I see it happen literally every wednesday): it's a good idea to go for a bi-annual shake up seeing as the survivors may need to draw fickle fans back in.

#10) Yeah, um, how do I put this delicately...can I get some more words in my books? If I'm paying three to four bucks it should take me more then three to four minutes to read it. Sometimes a quick read is satisfying. If the book has great art or no word is wasted. Sometimes it works with the pacing. Most times it feels like you're actually reading a sixth of a story (because you are). That's all I'm saying. It's definitely not across the board, but damn. You know who you are. Peace.

Portraits in Douchebaggery: Reflections on Lost's "Whatever Happened, Happened"

Well, now we know what Jack came back to do. And that was not save kid Ben. Simply enough, that's really it. And it's pretty funny too to see that the two characters who were in the top three castaways for getting fucked over by Ben Linus were two of the three people that made him into the utterly entertaining douche bag that he is. Those two people being Sayid and Jack. Had Sayid never shot him he never would have needed to be saved. Had Jack saved him he would never have needed whatever psuedo mystical life saving soul sucking technique that the others use to stave off mortality. It's kind of funny really.

Also, I do have to admit that I am in fact loving Jack's fall from the messianic alpha male douche to the pill popping desperate douche that he has become this season.

Aside from that not a whole hell of a lot happened this week for my dollar. Hurley and Miles addressed the time continuity issues that we've all been asking since they went down this road to amusing results.

Kate showed just how bad she is at keeping secrets. And mothering. I mean it's kind of a mind fuck for a three year old for their mother to take off in the middle of the night and then some, I'm sure nice, Australian lady wakes up up telling you that she's your grandmother and that your mom will be back soon. It just seems that the right thing to do would be to simply tell Aaron what is going on...I mean he's going to know something's up.

Sayid is...somewhere. Doing something. He seems to be up shit creek really. Hope he doesn't get killed, but at this point....It's hard to shoot a child and be a sympathetic character on a TV show.

Charles and Ellie running the show for the others...Makes sense. I still wonder why Richard is always the number 2, but I'd like to think that the question will finally be answered next week, or not. Whatever.

Best moment on the show: definitely when Locke said welcome back to the land of the living at the end of the episode. Part of me wants to say that Ben was nt necessarily 100% certain that Locke would come back...given his facial expression. But given the 316 episode it did kind of seem like that Ben was well aware of the coming ressurection.

So, I think that really covers the main thrust of the episode. As for next week, Ben is going to be judged by...Christian Shepard (The Smoke Monster)...or maybe Jacob will actually show up but...at this point I think they may have built up the mysteriousness of Jacob a bit too much. I mean, if he's just some guy it's going to be a bit of a let down. Even if he's Alovar Hanso or one of the many mentioned, but never seen members of the Lost mythos it's going to be a letdown after all of this time. Even if it's a time displaced John Locke. Which is actually kind of likely. Granted I'm basing this only on my theory that A) It'd be pretty cool B) Who the fuck else could it be at this point? C) I got nothing else. There you go. Jacob is John Locke. Why not. I'm not putting a lot of faith in this, but you heard it here first...possibly.

Yep, that's about it really. Excited for next week's episode with the John Locke and the Ben Linus and Juliet shooting someone else on the other boat...maybe...probably. It'll be fun. Peace.