It was a 2 movie Saturday: Evil Dead and GI Joe: Retaliation; I saw them so you don't have to see one of them.

So, on Saturday, one of my compatriots and I were on the way to the cinema, smelly movie theater - it's warm out, near my apartment, The Sanctum Skantorum.  Unnecesary exposition aside, we had originally endeavored to see the GI Joe, but then I had the revelation that we would be walking out of the theater saying, "Man, we should have gone to see Evil Dead."  So, we went to see Evil Dead.  We made the right call.

Buzz's Girlfriend...Woof?

Anyway, Alvarez's Evil Dead, technically the second remake of the first film (as well you've seen Evil Dead 2, right?), got the job done.  Yes, it's largely humorless and does not have that "screwball" *sigh* ethos and manic slapstickery.  What it does have though is a taught 90 minutes of reverent gore.  It truly is a modern version of the source material.  I say this as (I am by no means the first person to posit this theory) the majority of modern horror films and reboots, baring the resplendent Cabin in the Woods, are humorless affairs more concerned with the severing of tendons, grandest of guignols, and are by and large less concerned with the bon mots of burnt up dream hopping murderers.  By and large, that is the zeitgeist of the genre - largely humorless torture porn, although this film escapes being mere torture porn.  However, while the remake, reboot, regenesis, Rerun Berry does not have the manic humor, it is not joyless.  Simply put, this film grabs you before the credits; it makes you wince in that brief time, and you are sold when the hapless, expendable youths make it to the dilapidated cabin.  This is of course assuming that you're a fan of the original or the genre or most importantly a fan of the screen being painted in swatches of blood, carrion, mung.  You should not take this to mean though that the film is beyond reproach.  Yes, you will wonder about the decisions made by the characters.  Yes, some of the characterizations will seem rote; you will see some tropes, but it's a horror movie.  Just go in, turn the brain off, wince, tell your friends, go about your day.  You won't feel that you've wasted $11, and that is the highest praise of all.

The highest praise for GI Joe: Retaliation was that it was the second movie I saw on Saturday.  Okay, a bunch of shit blew up.  Some of the fight scenes were pretty cool.  I like that Flint does parkour now.  The Rock was The Rock; the plot was amazingly convoluted for being so insipid; a bunch of other shit happened; a bunch of people brought their little ass kids to the 10 o'clock; I remembered why I don't go to the movies downtown; I forgot most of the movie, but it was better than the first one... although I miss Scarlet as she was hot.  Lady Jaye is hot too though, I guess.  Much like Wooderson in Dazed and Confused there's just something about redheads.  My predilection towards the fire crotch aside, the movie was resoundingly eh, serviceable but unremarkable in any real quantifiable way. 

May as well I figured. For, you know, science purposes...boner science?

So, wait, what? - No, seriously Angela to Gaurdians of the Galaxy? And Thoughts on Age of Ultron

All of those unnecessary straps and belts are making me wicked nostalgic though.

I mean I'm excited that Neil Gaiman is coming back to comic books.  As he is very good at writing them, this is an established incontrovertible fact.  So that's really neat.  I just for the life of me do not know why I'm supposed to be super excited about a character who is known mainly for legal disputes and pantyless action figures.  That's really it.  Don't get me wrong though I loved the character as a boy, mainly due to the pantyless toys (God, I wish that were more of a joke), and the angels were always really well designed.  At the same time though, does anybody really care about the ancillary characters of the Spawn universe in 2013?  I guess they obviously do as this was a major-ish story last week.  I don't know.  Yet again, really psyched about the Gaiman, even if that is the most seemingly random book to bring him back to comics, but kinda meh on the Angela.

Their plan to distract the Ultrons by recreating the opening to The Lion King did not work.

On a side note, so far Age of Ultron is thoroughly not shitty.  It's self contained, ships briskly, looks nice, and doesn't involve me buying an ungodly number of side books.  Ah back to that faint praise that we do here, and that I do every day in real life.  Granted, the one issue that I do have with the book is that you can really kind of tell that it was written two years ago and shelved, as the unceasing tumult of Marvel Now! has made character relationships in the book, costumes seem out of date(Now! has by and large been neat, if you just say fuck it to establishing a concurrent continuity) So, Age of Ultron so far, while incredibly decompressed and after thought-y, has only cost me $4 on books with Bryan Hitch art and a serviceable, "Oh, reality got boned and we've got to fix it storyline", which are quickly becoming the "We got locked in a _______ what about those crazy adventures" of comic books.  However, I don't know if today's youth as fondly remember the clip show, but I am not above a faulty, shitty allusion.  So, in closing, Age of Ultron is okay so far.  It's not reinventing the wheel, and while the main plot point is a well worn trope of the past few years; I can still find some enjoyment in a reality thrown all out of whack due to a time whammy; it's a Bendis book - surprised nobody has said that exact phrase yet.  So there you go, I don't consider it a waste of $4, and it's mercifully self contained.  And my one buddy is all about She Hulk's short hair in it, is weird. I guess we're back everybody, the royal we really. 

So...That just Happened; a Spoiler-Free Review of Amazing Spider-Man #698 - Updated with Spoilers at the bottom

Now, I've read Spider-Man for a while.  I weathered the later parts of the JMS run, yes I am talking about Gwen Stacy/Norman Osbourne's kids.  Hell, one of my fondest comic shop memories was being a boy when the final issue of the Clone Saga and summarily shitting on it for a solid hour with older, cooler customers.  I enjoyed much of the post Brand New Day run.  I stopped reading at about Spider Island because I wanted to lighten my pull.  Anyway, I would say that the revelations made in ASM #698 rival those earlier ones.  Before I get into the vitriol though, I will say that as a writer, fake in my case, I understand where Slott is coming from.  Comic books thrive on new directions.  They're fictional characters, and the big reveal makes sense given events of the book, and the fact that it's a fucking funny books, so rules of what have you are arbitrary.  I mean the twist does make sense given the focus of the last year or two of the book, which I've skimmed.

Yup

However, as a fan of Spider-Man though; I absolutely hate every last fucking thing about it.  I loathe this new direction.  I'm hoping that this was an attempt to break the internet to push sales up for #700.  I do.  As yet again, it seems like another cheap fucking shock tactic that'll be sustainable for maybe 6-12 months of stories, until normalcy has returned.  Now, this may seem harsh as I'm getting mildly irate about the fate of fictional characters, but it's more than that.  I'm bothered that we all know how this is going to work out.  You troll the core fanbase; they get irked, as is happening here; this gains some legitimate "organic" "legitimate" media coverage; you get non fans into the stores; you get a six month bump; the "nerds", myself included come back to the book, and we repeat.  I mean it's really that well it sounds like an abusive relationship really.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  But it's just an irksome, inglorious way to take things.  Who knows, I may be wrong; it happens, constantly; this entire blog is a monument to that.  I don't know; maybe this is the greatest thing ever, but my gut reaction is that it' just another cheap fucking twist to do get people, more popular ones, obviously, to do this very thing that I'm doing.  It's a vicious cycle.  Seems like a cheap, but rational and prefaced but just dirty feeling, twist that we'll go through for like 6 months-year.  Honestly, I think this may be one of the more reasonable responses to this that you'll see come tomorrow. So the verdict: I can respect the bold writing choices made by Slott; as a fan of Spider-Man I fucking hate this. I just hope this is a swerve before the new series.  Please?


UPDATE - SPOILERS BELOW









Yeah - Dock Ock switches bodies with Peter Parker; Parker dies in the feeble Doc Ock body.  Octavius is now Spider-Man; he's going to bang MJ.  Octavius tried to marry/bang Aunt May.  Weird.  Not sure how much juice is there. 

World's Shortest Movie Reviews - Skyfall

It's awesome. 

Even though it's All-New; you've already read it before - All-New X-Men #1

And now it's time to strut.

Inflammatory titling aside, the reason that you've read this all before is that frankly the majority of the content has been repeatedly plastered on far more legitimate comic book blogs.  That's really the main hindrance of enjoyment.  I mean the comic book itself is engaging, but you've seen most of it, save five pages, before, so that's the main detriment to enjoyment.    Aside from this book being light on unrevealed content, it's a pretty decent read and a novel concept.  That's really it without getting into too many specifics.  The art is crisp, and the characters don't, in my estimation, come across as too Bendis-y, (i.e. middle aged New York Seinfeld character).  I mean it's worth your four bucks if you're looking for another X book to get into, and if you read comic books like me and are a compulsive, borderline, hoarder.  So there you really have it.  Not too much to grouse about, and unfortunately, nothing that surprising, kinda like AVX #1. That's really it.  No need to endlessly pontificate. 

It's the Rick Grimes I've known and love/feared for years - In Defense of Season 3 of Walking Dead mit non-spoil spoiler (for pageviews)

Now that the rancorous presidential election has finally drawn to a close, normalcy has returned, by and large, to social media.  This return to relative normalcy means two things: cat videos and people spoiling/bitching/espousing/making wild claims/etc. about the Walking Dead.  As a stalwart of the comic book and begrudging viewer of the show, I have to say that I actually enjoy the new direction of the show.  Here's why...obviously.

I think we're going to need a new group shot as well most of you are dead now.

1) They say the show was all about character development; most of them were developing into d-bags.

It's true.  Every week I watch Andrea, on the tv show, and I think good god what is your fucking problem lady?  Do you ever say anything that isn't patently retarded?  Wait, now you're siding with Shane?  Just die.  And even now in Season 3 she is still dumb as shit and developing on that trajectory of being a fucking moron.  So, what's the problem?  And hey, you know what?  Now that Merle is back he's more than just a syphilitic white supremacist; he's a syphilitic white supremacist that loves his brother and is part of the group.  Glenn is still very much Glenn, and Darryl continues to develop as the only likable character created for the show; hell, even T-Dog was useful/resonant before he died which is a big step really.  So there you go, the characters are still developing; it's just that things have actually been happening at a speedy click this season, with less wistful staring/hugging and shit.

2) The dialogue is cringe worthy.

Um...it always was.  Seriously, half of the time the show had people trying to spout exposition or make declarations of their feelings.  It's always been that way, and it's always been awkward.  Just think back to the CDC arc, or don't...it's terrible.  I'm really just glad that everyone who died um died.  So that's really it; the show hasn't gotten worse on that front really; you're just aware of it as it's not the show you had been watching, and change is scary.

3) Rick is a huge douchebag now.

That's how I like my Rick Grimes: crazy and willing to do whatever is necessary to help the group.  Sure, his interactions with Lori right before she ate it were a bit terse, but it happens some times in relationships.  Also, she did kinda convince him that murdering people was a-ok and that may have caused some strife.  I mean I've gotten short with women about movie concessions and vice versa.  My petty squabbles aside, that's the Rick Grimes I've love/feared in the comics for years.  He's at heart a good man that does what's necessary, but he's most of all a man.  He's going to react to his wife dying, stupidly, like anyone else-blind rage.  He's going to defend his people with machetes.  He's going to do way more questionable shit than that depending on how long the show runs.  I'd say just sit back and enjoy it; murder crazy Rick is the best and still fairly reasonable.  Just don't test him.  Ever.  He'll fucking kill you and not be all that bothered by it.

4) They just keep killing off characters left and right.

Refer back to 2.  It's the Walking Dead.  It happens in the books and on the show as that's the main thing that would happen in an actual zombpacalypse: people dropping like flies.  And hey, you know what they made me care about T-Dog, a character that I and the internet typically mocked (Rick: Okay, I'm going to need Glenn and Darryl on this one; T-Dog...I don't know go wait with the women or try and find Carl or something.)  But yeah I mean it's going to happen, and they already have a new more bad ass black guy.  I'm also sure there will be a new momish squeezy bun for Darryl.  Hey, maybe he could get with that girl who they keep trying to imply digs Carl but is 27 which makes me feel weird.  Or not.  Anyway, it's the show's m.o to keep the death toll high.

5) The reveals are stupid.

No they're not.  The arena is a pretty integral part of illustrating the ideological differences between survivors.  Pretty much, for television you've got to make it a slightly slower burn with illustrating that yes, the Governor is bat shit crazy.  Granted, we have already seen him straight up murder a group of survivors, but that happens on this show.  We have not seen someone corral his zombie daughter.  I am glad though that on the tv show he does not kiss said zombie daughter on the mouth, like on the comic.  He also doesn't have a bunch of zombie heads in aquariums that he watches in lieu of television.  And frankly, I don't really know if television audiences would be okay with his prolonged and systematic raping of Micchone, like in the comic books (it came out over 5 years ago and I feel spoiler free.)  So yeah, the reveals have less punch, but they're less ham fisted ways of illustrating the core differences between groups of survivors.

And now there be spoilers:

Stop reading

Seriously

Anyway, here we go... It's Lori on the phone.  Rick has gone nanners and talks to his dead wife on the phone for, frankly, way longer than he should. 

I kinda wish his name was Master Chef (was voiced by Raekwon)... My week with Halo 4.

I'll never forget that fateful evening when I set up my X-box live account those many years ago and embarked on the first of many Halo 2 benders.  It was a different time, a simpler one.  It was still a novel concept to lambast a 12 year old boy with an undeniably yokel sounding accent for his imagined sexual transgressions with his sister after he had called you a nigger or faggot for beating him.  And while I'm still occasionally called a nigger or faggot while playing video games on line, it just isn't the same.  Dare I say it the shock of the slurring and engaging in the head to head with grown men and tweens and accusing them of suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome has, sadly, abated.  My fond memories of hate speech in the frontier days of online console multiplayer may also be indicative though of my growing apathy towards the genre of online shooters.  Last year, I purchased Modern Warfare 3 as it was on sale right after Christmas, and as I have a big boy job I figured what the heck.  I played the campaign and enjoyed it's unabashed silliness as I do, but I rankled at the thought of getting into the time suck that is competitive multiplayer.  Then came Halo 4 last week. 

After braving yet another midnight release at my area Gamestop, where I have become famous for drunkenly photobombing their Resident Evil 6 release (I was at an open mic beforehand, drink a lot), I had it in my hands.  Anyway, yadda yadda played the game for a few hours the first night, was impressed by the graphics.  This continued throughout the week and into the weekend.  It was nothing new really, as Halo multiplayer had taken up a fair amount of my time, but then on Saturday it happened.  I stopped caring, far far faster than I thought possible.  Granted, I have not played the campaign yet as... it's a pointless anecdote.  Anyway, by and large it's a better looking Halo with some tweeks and balance things.  It does have the loadout and customization options that are demanded in this day and age, and I'm fine with that honestly.  I like to reload a little quicker and the like, and it's 2012, so it's a must.  It's just as I played it I noticed a few things. 

1) I'm sick of playing the same five maps on slayer.  So fucking sick of them.  Sure, I've tried to mix it up and play some objective based games, but the bulk of my play time is slayer, and it's incredibly repetitive.  Also, the new maps aren't really that memorable in comparison to some of my old favorites like say Lockout or Zealot/midship/etc.  Sure, I enjoy the simplicity/murder of Haven, but it's been 6 days, and I'm getting bored by the levels already.

2) Fuck you in the eyeballs for offering me new levels to buy on day one.  Usually I'm pretty cool about these unfettered cash grabs; this situation is merely exacerbated by how I'm already sick of the new levels.  I don't want to give you another 25 dollars to extend the playtime I'm not 100% sold on, but will continue to play indefinitely as, it's what you do.

3) It looks pretty.  It really does.

4) Still getting used to the balance.  Hope you like getting shot in the face from across the map with the DMR; it's going to happen, a lot. But yeah, still getting used to the balancing of it all.  Sword got nerfed which makes me sad; they brought back the BR, but it's kinda assy.  Needler is still above board.  Snipes feels off.  Some of the new guns are kinda neat.  I don't know my main issue is that I find myself falling in love with a new gun for a little while for a couple of rounds and then go back to stinking with it.  It's up and down really. 

5) THe customization options are pretty neat and I will say that the ordinance system is mercifully not a game breaker like in COD.  What? I mean attack dogs break the fucking game.  A lot of the higher level kill streak rewards in COD games kinda break the game.  At least with the ordinance it's like you get a Shotgun or Overshield; it's handy but not going to ridiculously sway a match. 

6) It's got a playlist for everything, so that's cool. 

7) Spartan Ops is thoroughly okay.  Yeah, it's all right.  Novel idea with the updates to the story.  It's like Spec Ops in COD. 

So, yeah.  Halo 4 is pretty nifty.  I don't know my languid praise may have to do with my waning fascination with competitive shooting people on the internet, or not.  If you like Halo, you've already bought it, and if you don't, well that's justified, and I mean Call of Duty comes out at midnight tonight, so you're good.