Top Nine Least Intimidating Iconic Comic Villains

The beauty of the top whatever list is that it is totally subjective. We read them on the internet and take them as cannon from upon high. Yet you can pretty much base them on a nebulous field of arbitrary metrics. I mean these are fictional characters that are written by a small army of creators for decades in some cases. With that in mind, and my natural proclivities towards the svengali lifestyle, I present you the reader with this definitive list of the least intimidating iconic comic book villains. Although we're going with nine because I'm lazy.

Now the reason that I am saying iconic comic book villains is that it would be entirely too easy to come up with a list of Mandrills and Boomerang themed villains to make a list of just plain old comic book villains. And that's why we'll begin with a semi shocking number 9.

# 9 - The Joker

The Joker, as everyone in most civilized nations knows, is the premier Bat villain. He provides a perfect foil for the cool and calculating Bruce Wayne by fundamentally countering him with a degree of organized chaos. Yet when we think of his main accomplishments, we think of killing Jason Todd and paralyzing Barbara Gordon - Robin 2 and Batgirl respectively. Fundamentally, he's a way more likable Joe Jackson because he's famous for beating kids.

In fairness, Jason Todd does suck pretty hard.

Secondly, there is the infamous boner issue. I think nothing more needs to be said that cannot already be taken from the source material. Having read he issue in its entirety the only thing that is missing is the phrase, "I will literally choke the Batman with all of these delicious boners."

No caption joke will top this. I don't know; think about your favorite Tobias Funke quote and imagine that you're reading that.

The next point is that before there was Harley Quinn there was this guy: Gagsworth A. Gagsworthy.

Break yo'self Pierrot le fou.

He dresses like Pagliocci, and his powerset involves headbutting Robin in the tender vittles. Granted he only appeared once before being dusted off a year ago, but he's a midget dressed like Pagliocci that headbutts Robin in the midsection.

# 8 Venom

When I was a boy, the undisputed niftiest talking Marvel figure was Venom because of his vocal and unabashed devotion to brain eating. (Not in the way Nicki Minaj intends to.) Now while Venom is a beloved character, he's on this list for a few reasons. Number one being that he went from a cannibal to a lunatic anti hero in the 90's. And lunatic anti heroes never work.

He's everywhere you want to be.

The main reason though is that while we think of Venom most people think of Eddie Brock or Mac Gargan, but, in actuality, the symbiote is a bit of a whore. In total there have been seven people that have been taken over by the symbiote without including the brief Venoms such as Franklin Richards. And there is nothing more disturbing in Spider-Man comics than this image.

That's going on my boner jams '11 post.

Finally, Venom is on this list because it's a product of the 90's really. He even went as far as to quote Homey the Clown in the final issue of "Maximum Carnage". Oh, and he's on here for never really getting closer to winning than a hundred year old czarist with a lion vest.



#7 - Magneto

He used to dress like this in the 80's.

We also would have accepted a joke about the aerobics movie "Perfection".

Now aside from rocking a gigantic M on his chest and resembling an extra from "Satan's Alley", Magneto is on this list for a few major reasons. Aside from his sartorial failings, Magneto finds his way onto the list for being not really that evil all things considered. He switches teams more frequently than Lindsay Lohan as he is currently back with the X-men. (the funny book Samantha Ronson it seems)

Granted, he has tried to take over the planet a few times, but he usually fucks up or is revealed to actually be a Chinese guy with a star for a head's evil twin who also has a star for a head. Also...he made a robot nanny for some reason and made out with the Wasp which is more puzzling than anything else.

Retcon: Because dammit I can't leave well enough alone.

He's an eighty year old holocaust survivor that was turned into a baby and then re-aged to his physical peak. He has time and again created an isolated mutant paradise and time and again found a way to totally biff it. Fake star head Magneto was felled in part by a man chicken mutant with a serious learning disability. So that's why Magneto is on here: he's not terribly evil all things considered.

#6 - Lex Luthor

While an iconic arch villain of the highest caliber, Luthor, who is oft lauded for his mental adroitness, has generated his own share of monumental boners. As a super scientist who perennially goes up against what is fundamentally a space god rendered as a man one wold imagine that he would be fairly adept with science. That said, one would imagine that he would know of the effects of wearing a ring made out of radioactive space rock for years. That he would know that he would eventually get cancer from it and then have to fake his death to put his brain in a clone body and that he would then have to pretend to be his own Aussie bastard son and speak in a fake Australian accent. After being trapped inside a self made prison of rapidly decaying clone carrion, Luthor would return to the land of the mobile in traditional comic book fashion: pact with not Satan.

After his brief period of demonic supplication, he would make the move that many real world types who have made a pact with Beelzebub-lite would: He would become president. Now what would an effective villain do in a seat of power to truly destabilize things? Would he say launch a global war under false pretenses? Would he not care about black people? Would he eventually get all juiced up on a steroid/kryptonite mix and rampage in the streets? If you guessed the last one you would be correct.

Had a higher approval rating in the power suit than Bush did.

And to top it off Luthor can currently be seen in the starring role of the frankly fantastic Action Comics...banging a robot Lois Lane. It works in the comic although I'm kind of surprised that nobody has made any "Lars and the Real Girl" jokes. Also, he used to reside on a planet called Lexor. This has nothing to do with diminishing his evil quotient; it's just a tad convenient. Oh and as a fun side note he's appeared in slightly more comic books that our very real current president.

Still slightly less evil than real Sarah Palin

#5 - Apocalypse

He's got a giant A on his belt in case he ever forgets his name. More importantly he has had 5000 years to...constantly get beaten. In the future, he gets beaten by a teen Cable. In the 80's, he got beaten by the old school X-Men who were operating as X-Factor at the time (with the help of Power Pack. For those who don't know Power Pack is comprised entirely of super powered 8 year olds.) He gets beaten by a clone of Cable. He mind hops into the body of Cyclops and gets beaten by Jean Grey and then his astral form gets nut punched by an adult Cable. While constantly losing is the hallmark of most malefactors, it's the manner in which most of these happens that places him on here.

However, C is still very much for cookie.

Mainly, he creates his own antagonists. He empowers old timey geneticist Nathaniel Essex into the subtly sobriqueted Mr. Sinister, who turns on him and creates the Jean Grey clone/brood mare Madelyne Pryor who births his arch nemesis Cable. Apocalypse in turn infects Cable with a techno organic virus that necessitates Cable being sent to the future...where he kills Apocalypse. In this future though Apocalypse attempts to transfer his consciousness into Cable's clone Stryfe. This plan goes tits up when Stryfe goes back in time (Sans a sweat ass Huey Lewis soundtrack) and kills Apocalypse...kinda. Most famously, Apocalypse grafted bad ass robot wings to a wingless Warren Worthington and also put Adamantium back on Wolverine's bones. Currently, the two are in the phenomenal "Uncanny X-Force"...trying to kill a child clone of Apocalypse.

If they really wanted to make him suffer they'd take him out after the last day of middle school.

#4 - Darkseid

Simply put for an ageless embodiment of deistic malfeasance he spends a lot of time doing seemingly pointless things on Earth. His ignoble start came in the insane/brilliant 4th world opus of Jack Kirby where he was first featured in the pages of Jimmy Olsen where he was supplying guns to mobsters. The part of this that I find odd is that here we have a nearly invulnerable space God selling guns to mobsters. (although in fairness the Monitor who...uh monitored the multiverse got his start in the same way.)

And that's really the main theme running throughout this waylaying of the character: for a nearly omnipotent space God he spends a lot of time slumming on Earth. The most recent example is found in the criminally underrated "Final Crisis". In the crossover, Darkseid finally wins when the Anti Life Equation is unleashed on an unsuspecting Earth. Before that though Darkseid and his cadre of dark gods survived the unrepentantly assy "Death of the New Gods" by coming back as kinda dated urban stereotypes. Glorious Godfrey came back as Al Sharpton...again. And Granny Goodness came back as Missy Elliott in the "Ladies Night" video (I had to think of a video from that epoch when she was not wearing a trash bag or dressed as Mega Man.) Darkseid returns as Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction". Now what do you do when you've cheated death after having your heart ripped out by your son? If your answer was make teenagers fight in a nightclub you are on your way to being a space tyrant.

"You and me are straight but you've lost your New Atlantis privileges Aqualad."

The final reason that Darkseid is on the list at the number four spot is that when he did murder his son with a backward firing time bullet he did it somewhere where Batman could find it which eventually lead to his circuitous downfall. (Don't worry the real villain was an entropic pan dimensional vampire.) In concert with that, his final final plan that also hinged on outwitting Batman (in an entertaining fashion that would be even more convoluted sounding frankly.) Nobody outwits the Batman...even Rainbow Batman.

In the Golden Age he used to say that criminals were a fearful and color blind lot.

#3 - Sabretooth

Precious few like the character Sabretooth as much as I do. Every time I meet a blond I stand in front of her, snap my fingers, and yell out "Birdy!" If she does not proceed to pull out an excessively cumbersome machine gun that shoots out three slow moving square bullets, I move on with my day. Ridiculously outdated in-jokes aside; Sabretooth is on this list for one reason: he's a fucking Highlander and he once lost to Power Pack. Yes the litmus test for super villains is whether or not they are bested by a group of juiced up 8 year olds. If you can think of better criteria, I'd like to hear them. (Also never do a google search for images of Power Pack. Just trust me on that one.)

The worst part in all of this is that the only thing on this cover you'll never see again in a Marvel comic book is the lit cigarette.

Now onto the Highlander portion of this - It's been revealed that Wolverine and Sabretooth belong to some subset of wolf people. They're not mutants, and they can only be killed by getting decapitated by a magic sword that's forged from a shard of Wolverine's soul. Now if that sounds like the premise to some sort of Highlander themed Kingdom Hearts then you and I are on the same page as sad as that is.

It doesn't help that he also started dressing like an extra from "Hair" at the end of it all.

The other reason that Sabretooth is on here is that well he's kind of a bitch. He's been a lackey for Mister Sinister for much of his career and in his solo efforts he's often getting taken out by everyone from Ms. Marvel to Iron Fist. He was represented as being borderline exceptional (read the R word) in the first X-men film. And his Ultimate incarnation was adroitly referred to as a budget Wolverine. Also, he's mainly famous for killing regular ass people on the side while doing some super villainy. And when he was unceremoniously decapitated was when he was seeing a bit of a revitalization in Mike Carey's run on X-men adjectiveless.

#2 - Mephisto

Now while a lot of the uninitiated may be scratching their heads as to why a villain they've never heard of is on here; let me make this simple: He's Satan...kinda. And they don't get more iconic than that. Besides, all the fanboys know why he's on here: One More Day.

It is actually sillier than this. I shit you not.

In One More Day, Satan pretty much erases Spider Man's marriage because comic book fans could relate to a man with Spider powers but not one with a banging ginger wife. So he saves Aunt May's life and totally change the status quo in exchange for the love shared between Peter and MJ, and he's Satan. If anything you'd think that if he was trying to create true suffering in the world he'd prolong marriages indefinitely. (Snare drum and comment about the pepper steak to follow)

"Fine." - Spider-Man as played by 1 out of 2 married Americans.

Aside from that, it's the standard case of creating his own enemies (Ghost Rider), being fairly ineffectual at Satan-ing (See above), and possibly being an evil cave mutant that mutated into the concept of Satan as some sort of inborn mutation that is triggered by man's natural place in the universe guarding the asexually reproduced fetus of a race of space Gods that take eons to gestate and mature. (It's totally out of continuity..maybe)



#1 - Dr. Doom

While he may lay down the sickest rhymes, he still tops this list due to myriad reasons. For the sake of brevity only the key ones shall be discussed. First among them: he's the biggest "mama's boy" in all of comics. In fact, without his near zealot levels of mommy need he wouldn't even be Dr. Doom in the first place because he never would have constructed the Hell viewing machine to communicate with his dead mom. He has also gone as far to travel to the realm in attempts to rectify the situation.

Just because it's awesome dammit.

When he isn't engaging in sense shattering oedipal action, he's busy saving Christmas. Long story short Doom shoots down Santa and is then tasked with completing his rounds of gift giving and cookie thieving. Which is actually the antithesis of evil. For an encore, he and the Black Panther examined the true meaning of Kwanzaa.

Fought Hannukah Harry to a standstill though.

This one may be kind of a low blow given that he is a fictional character and as such occasionally serves in a misguided metaphorical capacity, but this bears examination due to the inanity of the proposed rhetorical impact: He cried at Ground Zero. Now, it's certainly the most resonant moment in modern American history, but he's a cartoon murderer/ terrorist. He spends much of his time attempting to destabilize regions with little care for collateral damage. Pretty much, it's yet another attempt to ham fist current real world events into a stylized and fictional world. When handled in such an awkward fashion, it trivializes these very real events because it renders them within a realm of very unreal consequences; as this is a universe in which death is merely a hiccup. From a character standpoint it makes the sovereign of Latveria kind of look like a bitch all things considered because as Kanye West would put it "HE'S FUCKING EVIL." If taken as in continuity, I feel that his interactions with Norman Osborn in their cabal would have read as such:

Dr. Doom - Norman given our position of unparalleled power I feel that this vendetta you're carrying out against Spider-Man is little more than a schoolyard skirmish or bathroom wiener measurement contest.

Norman Osborn - Of course you'd say that. you were after all featured on CNN crying like a bitch. Would you care for Ms. Hand ordering you a wahburger and french cries from Five Guys? Or would you prefer that instead of taking out Spider-Man we take out Dr. McDreamy for toying with Meredith's emotions for the past few seasons?

It gets me every time. She remembers who she is for just a second after they read that notebook. Be strong Doom. Be strong...

And in closing there's the fact of Dr. Doom's most embarrassing losses. The first one is the case of Doom stiffing Hero for Hire Luke Cage out of about $800. Granted this was the 1970's and Cage may have needed tiara polish. Anyway, the plot of the issue is that Luke Cage borrows the Fantasticar, raises hell through the sleepy fake nation of Latveria, and gets his money without choking nary a bitch and fighting Doom to a relative standstill. The reason that I mention this is that he could also use the money to pay his nanny Squirrel Girl...who also bested Doom once. And is like Aquaman, but she talks to squirrels. She's an ideal foil to the dogs from "Up" I guess and has a tail and gigantic teeth. That is all.

Quake with fear!

And Then There Were 3 - Death and the Modern American Funnybook

And we're back after a year and a half hiatus. A few things have happened since last we spoke. Lost went off the air in the most ridiculous fashion possible. Everything changed in DC and Marvel comics. I went to SDCC last year and got to play Marcap 3 and meet some industry types and do some general starfucking. I got a new job which I'm at right this very moment. The comma and period keys broke on my computer, and I have to copy paste in periods. From now on there will be sparse usage of the comma. Bu that's not why you've trundled here via a poorly executed Google search. No no. You've careered into fanboy loathing. We must destroy what we love...I don't think I can actually sound more creepily predatory while talking about comics so...let's have at it then.

It's a well known fact that the concept of death in the comic book is as abused a trope as the coma/ coma fantasy in the soap opera or the tweener (neutral good character not a 12 year old) in professional wrestling. From Jean Grey to Donna Troy we have witnessed characters being expunged and resurrected with a startling rapidity. After a typically heroic death (sacrificing oneself to save the planet yadda yadda) or succumbing to some shockingly pedestrian real world hot button malady (Fight with Magneto?...nope slow battle with cliche AIDS metaphor), we move on to the lugubrious farewell issue only to see the character come back in some such ridiculous fashion.

Yep me and the Chinese government got over on you in a very roundabout fashion

Now that the uninitiated have been familiarized with the basic schemes and tropes, we can move on to the current slow news cycle event going on in Fantastic Four.

So who's going to die?


Invisible Woman -

This was easily the classiest rendering I could find.

Nope. Doesn't really fit into the story that well. And this isn't Lost, so you don't have to kill a woman to bump up the emotional impact for the audience. Most of us grew up with the characters, and they're as large a part of Americana as any other super team, so you don't really have to go with the shock kill. Also, that's a massive downer. Here's how every issue would break down:

Panel 1 - Mr. Fantastic, Thing, Human Torch, a rocked up Sharon Ventura (80's lady Thing), Valeria, and Franklin are in the Fantasticar at the edge of a swirling mass of negative zone particles. They are watching the act of creation as this protoplasmic broth is birthing a new reality. A baby universe is unfolding in front of them; they are looking at something never gazed upon by human eyes.

Reed - Isn't this amazing Franklin? We literally have box seats at an event only thought to be viewed by the Gods of old? We are here at the bleeding edge of reality soaking in events of universal significance. Even an errant fart could cause a cataclysmic ripple through this baby universe. Yes, one misplaced fart could be more devastating then 1,000 Hitlers.

Franklin - That's neat. I really wish my mom wasn't dead.

Human Torch -

I originally thought it was a Fire Island Goku costume.

Probably not. Granted, the argument has been made that he hasn't died before in the book. The fact that this is a viable argument really speaks more to my earlier statements about the meaningless of death in the medium. Also, he'd be the easiest to replace. Grab Firestorm or the other Human Torch if he's still around. Simply put, nobody would care as much. The character hasn't really seen a heightened level of prominence (Fonzie status) since the 60's really.


Mr. Fantastic -

It controls the universe and keeps the pimphand strong.

Very likely. Firstly, most of Hickman's arc has been pretty Reed centric. There was the arc about the league of Reed Richardses. He's featured prominently in other titles as part of the deus ex machina brain trust with Tony Stark and Hank "White Chris Brown" Pym. The death of the character would actually have an impact on the rest of the fictional landscape. And given that there was a story arc with a bunch of other hims; it'd be incredibly easy to bring the character back. Here's how it would go

Panel - Doctor Doom is now knocked unconscious in front of Thing, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and let's say Deadpool (he's everywhere you want to be). The shadowy figure behind him is revealed to be none other than Reed Richards.

Thing - Oh my God. We thought you'd died. We were so broken up over things and...things happened. Pretty much you, me, and Suzie needs to talk because once you go orange rock penis you never go back. Look, nothing rhymes with orange stretch-o. But, how'd you get here elastic slacks?

Mr. Fantastic - Another Reed Richards put me in a giant hamster ball made out of I don't know unobtainum or some such bullshit. Also, I knew about you and my whore wife because I made a magic divorce pact with Satan to become more relatable to our socially undesirable readers. I'm totally banging Dazzler now... tesseract.

The Thing -

Finally, a Big Ben that won't get accused of rape.

Regrettably, that's probably a bingo. Actually, it's just bingo. Now granted from a story based perspective Reed Richards makes the most sense. The book has become more Reed-centric than usual of late, but here's the thing: comics are about giving you a puppy and then murdering it in front of you and then bringing the puppy back right before your eyes. They're like apocryphal child Jesus in that respect. And let's face it, The Thing is most people's favorite member of the FF, and he's the one that is mentioned most frequently in other mediums given his beloved catchphrase. (Although I personally prefer, "It's the smashing hour.") Now aside from that, the other reason that you kill off Ben Grimm is that he's featured in New Avengers. That way you can get the tribute issue in FF, and you can get the tribute in New Avengers. The other reason, as first pointed out by the incomparable Rich Johnston, is that he's the only character featured in artwork for upcoming Marvel books and there are two Thing related collections coming out in March. So that's really it. The Thing is probably going to die because who'd care about anyone else dying who isn't already going to put up their comic dollar to read FF? Although it saddens me to see the world down another Jewish super hero. Now all we've got is Kitty Pryde and Sabra in the Marvel U, and Sabra don't roll on Shabbos.

And in closing: Flash Thompson is obviously the new Venom

What the shit: Thoughts on Lost "The Incident". Also, internet...that's not Anubis it's Sobek. Read a book.

So, yep, called the deaths. Going to pat myself on the back for that one. Locke doesn't count, he was already dead. And while Sayid may live...he's pretty close. So, yep. Also, Juliet I think had the worst, as in pain, death of anyone on the show: dragged down a hole, crushed by debris and blown up by a nuke. They just shot Friendly. Think about it. And now make with the massive spoils and the bitching.

Miles: Seems to be the only person on the island with some common fucking sense. Part of me thinks that he's right and that blowing the nuke core is going to cause the incident. Minly because ALL OF THIS ALREADY HAPPENED. Ellie already knew she was going to shoot her son in the present and Ricardus knew about Jack and the rest in the present.

Rose and Bernard: I was right about that one too. They were, as I said, "off somewhere doing something". Certainly not the most inelegant solution they could have come up with to explain where the characters were. I was just glad that they showed up, as anyone who reads my postings knows I hate the loose ends.

Jacob: Is kind of like a white Bagger Vance. He's winkingly prescient and says things that seem vague to the characters. At the same time having him show up as another immortal with nebulous powers that just shows up and buys NKOTB lunch boxes and chocolate is a tad weak in my mind. It was cute to see that he had always been affecting the characters lives. At the same time it seems like they tacked this on. And for an immortal he kind of went out like a bit of a bitch. For the record, that is not how you convince someone to, um, not stab you to death. But, that wasn't the most troubling thing by far...

The Bad Twin: The second they opened that box I knew that it was going to be Locke's dead body. Because, well, what the fuck wlse could it be? It's a bunch of Drive Shaft Cds? Me thinks not. So, yeah, there's an evil John Locke who is that guy from the first five minutes of the episode. Okay. Honestly, the thing kind of smacks of poor writing. Yes, I get that there have been broad strokes of duality metaphors throughout the show. From the pretty on the nose black and white references made in season one to the many role reversals on the show. I get that thematically you can pull this sort of thing. My problem is that it is a cheap trick. Yes, they prefaced the whole "it's impossible that Locke got resurrected" angle on the show. But...the show's already fantastical with its immortals, smoke monsters and reappearing dead cast members. And it's a cheap trick because it's some dude that has probably been mentioned on the show in passing who is now integral to the plot, but has just been introduced out of left field. And that's my problem. And yes it's because I didn't see it coming. Reason being, nobody could have seen it coming because it is so left field. It also states that the shows whole man of science v. man of faith debate is everybody wins. The peanut butter is in the chocolate, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. Oh, and he too is also, probably the smoke monster. Think about it take a second. He set Locke up to die so he could assume his form as he can come back as the dead on the island. Smokey told Ben to listen to Locke. Locke was certainly not in the room with Ben. That nameless dude hated interlopers on the island. Smokey kills interlopers on the island. He's security for the island because he kills all of the people coming to taint it. Bong (imagine Jason Mewes saying it. The word bong not the rest of it.) Fun Side note: people on the interwebs have been callin him the dark man so, new guess, the smoke monster is none other then Randall Flagg...or Liam Neeson (go rent the movie).

The Incident: Miles is probably right. That's how time travel works. The 77 characters remember them happening. In 07 it had already happened. Farraday is probably playing the castaways from beyond the grave. Or he realized that the only way to course correct was to have this happen becuse it always happened that way. Think about it. Take a second.

Season Six Predictions: I can't predict with 100% certainty if I'm right about the plane crashing anyway. If it doesn't crash they'll still be on the island because as any sci-fi fan knows: when you change the past you actually create an alternate earth. Because what happened in your reality to get you back into time to change it had to have happened lest you create a reality crashing paradox. Also, the island exists outside of the Earth's space time (read my baby theory in an old post it explains it well, and I already wrote it). Um, what else, good John Locke will come back...somehow. Ben never saw Jacob because his resurrection in the temple was done with the evil juju. The band will get back together. And, they'll probably spend the rest of their days there. If the plane doesn't crash they'll have no world to go back to as there will be, um, themselves living their lives in their stead. If the plane doesn't crash my big prediction for the end of the show is thus: adult Aaron and Ji Yeon and a crew of explorers, scientists and the like show back up to the isalnd and the game begins again. This time the Dark Man is Ben and Jacob has been replaced by John Locke (cue sound effect and fade to black). I may be the only person I know that still watches the show...probably not.

Season Five reflections: Much like Final Crisis I feel that they were doing something incredibly interesting and thought provoking, for the respective mediums of big 2 in continuity super hero books and network television, and then totally dropped the ball at the end. Mainly because in both cases they brought gigantic plot elements, that fit thematically but are not explicitly mentioned or aluded to, in at the end in a manner that is totally unsatisfying. I mean both the comic and the season had last second all encompassing evil characters. And my reaction to both has been a slight cringe. I've gone back and reread Final Crisis and enjoyed most of it. And I'm sure when I get my Season Five Blu-ray I'll enjoy ninety percent of it too, but damn. That's all really.

I can easily say I didn't see that one coming: Lost "Follow the Leader".

Well, firstly, now my girlfriend is running into Terry O'Quinn at Wegman's. He answers her questions. It's understandable though. And she really does love "The Stepfather", almost too much, so there you go. Apparently he was buying mouthwash and spinach. God that sounded like some stalker shit with the mouthwash and spinach. Anyway, onto the show.

Um, well, Farraday's dead. Jack is talking like Locke about destiny. Dr. Chang knows his time travelling son. Sawyer is probably going to find a way out of the sub to kill Phil for hitting Juliet...trust me...when Sawyer says he's going to kill someone...they usually get killed. Kate actually didn't fuck things up entirely. Sayid was in the jungle doing Sayid stuff. And John Locke talks to the island and is going to kill Jacob. Which. I. Kind of have a problem with that. I mean the moment on the show was awesome, but....

You see, the real problem with the character of Jacob is that they've been building him up since late season three. And the fact that he may in fact be a corporeal human being just seems like a let down to me. Although I guess that's the problem with the show...all the fantastical conjecture. (cue the sound effect.)

As for the episode it was pretty darn awesome. I'm curious about Locke's endgame with the killing Jacob angle. Part of me wonders if that what Jacob meant all of those years ago when he asked Locke to help him. I also wonder if there are going to be more attempts on John Locke's life? Probably. Are they going to blow up the bomb and prevent the plane from crashing? I'm going to want to say no. If Elloise is willing to make sure her own son dies, and Dharmaville is still standing in the 2000s I'm going to want to say that Elloise learns some sort of horrible lesson about tampering with time. It makes sense. As for everyone getting back to their proper time? Probably. Rose and Bernard are on Vulcan or something. I know I keep bringing them up when they aren't on the show, but I hate loose ends. As for who dies, at this point you've got me. Pragmatism would lead you to think of Juliet. Sayid is my number two choice. My number three pick is big Ben Linus. Four is Jack. Five John Locke. And then everyone else is catch as catch can. That's really it. This post is brough to you by my new neighbors and they're total lack of internet security. Peace.

Quickest movie review ever: Star Trek

It's fucking awesome. That's really about it. Seriously, people were clapping, fanboys were jacking each other off and for a moment everything seemed right with the world. I don't want to spoil anything and can literally find fault with nothing. Go, enjoy yourself and be prepared to see "J.J Abrams is my master now" T-shirts. The bar is set for the summer, and it's rather high. I had to miss Lost to go to the screening, but it'll be up later tonight or early tomorrow. Peace.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine...is a movie.

It's like this. The plot is a tad muddled. The comic book backstory of Wolverine is more than a bit muddled. And frankly, quite ridiculous. Be glad the movie has no Elsyee Dee, or Shiva, or any character related to Wolverine/ Weapon X protocol from the early '90's (Pre Weapon Plus...if you really care enough pick up the Grant Morisson run or google it). So, yeah to that end it works...I mean at it's core most of the Wolverine origin is really fucking silly in the comics. There's robots, clones, a 10 year old James Howlett in a night dress, contradictions galore, retreads and maddening retcons. So, given that I was willing to cut them some slack on the plot.

Commence the mild spoil/fanboy bitching

Zero's a goddamn teleporting android. Just had to say that that guy should have just been Garisson Kane before getting robot arms, just saying. Okay, As a whole the movies alright. I went in with very very low expectations, (as my one friend hated the shit out of it) and I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't total ass. Also, I...well...yeah...I engaged in my pre movie ritual to a great extent. It makes every movie better. With a movie like this you really have to do that to enjoy it. So, yeah, the ways they try to fit this movie into the rest of the X-men franchise is just silly. And they don't address how Sabretooth is a giant borderline retarded fellow in the first movie. Which is odd. I mean that's the troubling one really. So, that's a little inelegant. What else. Half of the visual effects work and half of them really, really don't: Cyclops eye beams yes, Emma Frost diamonding up no, John Wraith teleort yes, Wade Wilson's repeated butterfly move not so much. Which is another thing: I just don't agree with some of the choices that they made visually. Pretty much half of the effects work in the movie and half don't. It's like the trailers for the movie half of it looks awesome and half of it looks silly, and that's the movie.

Aside from that it could use some more Deadpool and some more Gambit and some more time spent with Team X (even if they're never referred to as that). And it could also use some Fantomex...I'm a big fan of Fantomex who is not in the movie. And Hugh Jackman brings the same Wolverine that you've probably enjoyed in the other X-men movies. Pretty much, there are a lot of quips, some ridiculous plot points (I feel that the ridiculous plot points speak to the nature of the character's comic origins, as mentioned), some action scenes that work, and some that really don't.

Look, it's the fucking Wolverine movie it's a summer popcorn flick it's not supposed to be Bergman. It's silly and bombastic and loud. Some people like that, I like that, if you like that you'll like the movie. It's not the Dark Knight, but it's not supposed to be. So my final review is s'okay. Watch a trailer and gauge your opinion based on that. Because it's one of those cases where the movie is pretty accurately represented by the trailers.

Lost, Makes with the awesome: "The Variable" heavy spoils abound

Lost, Makes with the awesome: "The Variable" heavy spoils abound

This would have been up sooner but I've been moving for the past week or so. Anyway, damn fine episode this past week, damn fine. I'm actually going to go ahead and say it was the best of the season so far. But that's usually the case with Lost, as in the last five six episodes of the season are typically much faster paced and make with some payoff. All that said I'm curious to see where things go from here. And, while I'll miss Farraday quite a bit I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he probably had the coolest death of any character on the show, even Alan Seward...(FINISH IT). But, yeah kind of a mindfuck with Farraday, his mom, his half sister Penny and his dad Charles Widmore. That one got shouted out quite heavily by the internet. And I also love that Farraday used the exact same argument that I did on Dr. Chang being Miles' father. And also that little Charlotte said that whole chocolate thing to Farraday, even if it kind of fucks the time table. (I'm supposed to believe she's like 3-5 years older than Ethan?) I will say, though, that while I'm excited for this season's endgame I am a tad leary of what that would mean for season six.

As in, if the plane never lands on the island what then? We've already done a return to the island plotline this season. We've already seen them interact off island for the past two seasons in the flash fowards/ Oceanic six plotine. But my real question is: why would any of them want to prevent the plane from landing? I mean the ones that aren't dead, obviously. Kate would be in lady's prison, Jack would be living a purposeless solitary life, Sawyer would be a douche/ con man, Boone would still be alive to suck at everything and not bang his stepsister, Nikki and Paolo would be back on the show. It just doesn't work for me. Even if everyone still has questions about Libby it just doesn't work for the plane to not crash. That's my opinion, but I could be proven wrong. It's happened...a lot. And now, the rest of the season 5 predictions

Who's going to die: Well, I checked IMDB to se who had the most in development projects going on. And after doing that it does kind of look like Juliet is the most likely to die due to the V remake probably getting picked up. Aside from that my other two guesses are Sayid and Jack. Sayid because he shot a freaking kid. And Jack because that would certainly stir things up. And he's kind of run his race if you follow. Although, on the other hand Jack may somehow redeem himself and be returned to the leader position when they return to their time. Or maybe Ben.

How they get out of it '77: Miles is oing to tell his father the truth. It's a no-brainer really. You get closure on the Miles angle and it moves the plot ahead and facilitates some events. Makes too much sense to not happen.

How they get out of it '07: A bunch of faceless new school Dharma people, and what's her name the bounty hunter, are probably going to eat it at the hands of the "hostiles" yet again. Locke is going to either use the wheel or some such time dongle. Ben may have to sacrifice himself to do it. That might be an interesting one that nobody would see coming. It's a thought.

Where's Sayid: I have no idea. He might be with the hostiles. But he's probably on the beach. He's somewhere doing Sayid stuff.

What's Next '77: Someone's going to fuck up and the Swan is going to get built anyway. Some of them are going to make it off on the sub...I don't know things are getting hard to predict with this whole time trael business. Plot elements are malleable due to time muddling being the theme of the season. So we'll see. I'll probably be able to get a fairly accurate prediction after this week's episode. Peace.