Instead of getting a real job...I'll post on Lost. Oh, with the massive theories and spoil

Current mood: sleepy

I'm tired so I'll make this quick. But, you get to read this a full three weeks before it'jnjnjns posted elsewhere. By a different person with a Doc in his name. You know who you are. Make the checks payable to Bryan Preston. You guys have my mailing address on file. Also, I am in no way stalking TV's Terry O'Quinn we just happen to go to the same groccery store and Starbucks.

Anyway, onto the theorizing and proable spoilering (I'd put probable in the heading, but then you wouldn't read it. You've already navigated here and it'll take a second to load a new page so you may as well finish. You're already here.)

Why can't people have babies?: Well, as we saw there was a new born, asian baby who would be about thirty by the events of the sohw. I'll get to that. You can figure it out already. Yup. Him. Anyway, why was he the last baby born on the island? Well, when the stray time particles, or whatever, the baby had already been born. Why is that significant? As the energy, as we'll call it, was released the island became disloged from time. Previous events could not be changed. Persons, and dogs, could enter and interact and events could happen. They could leave, but they could not be created on the island. And the reason that women cannot carry children to term on the island is because new life cannot be created on the island. Items can enter and events can happen, but because the island exists independently of time...i think you get where this is going.

That age appropriate Asian baby: Its Spike from X-Men 3. It's fucking Lost. You don't show an asian baby without it coming back.

Where's Jin?: Its Lost. You aren't dead until a body is in the ground. Granted sometimes the body is alive when it goes in, but that can't happen every week. Anyway, Jin probably got fished out of the water...by the crew of the Black Rock. Why? Because it's a fucking awesome idea. And...it's Lost.

Ben and the butcher: The first rule of project mayhem is that you do not talk about project mayhem. I'm just saying. Glad to see what's her name from the Leviathin again though.

Who were those guys Locke Killed?: The rest of Rousseau's team of course. Good to see that they actually went nuts though.

Frogurt: Glad he's taking a permanent vacation in hell. YOU CAN'T ADD NEW CASTAWAYS. IT DOESN'T WORK. GLAD THEY KNOW THAT NOW. SQUIDBRAINS. I DO LOVE THE BOATIES THOUGH. THAT WAS A GOOD CALL.

Farraday's mom: The woman from the ring store/ time matron/ the chalk machine with the time gap. Kind of a gimmie.

Who called Brenda Walsh's dad on Kate?: Probably Sun. She's going to need someone else in on the plan to kill Ben. Also, you'd probably need to know about the island to know that its Claire's baby. So that shortens the list. Unless its Widmore, but he doesn't have as much motivation to get Kate on the run with Ben.

The Compass: Great moment. Makes you wonder if Alpert was testing kid child John Locke, last season, to see if his conciousness had somehow shunted into his child form after Locke's death or due to the time unsticking. Also good call with the pointing north. And the Yemi and the yeah.

Kelvin, the four toed statue and the smoke monster: I have no fucking new ideas. ninja turtles. Time travelling ninja turtles that have statues made of them. I don't know. But I'd like to.

WAAAAAAAALLLTTT!!!!!: Do they write it like that in the scripts? Just curious. I guess he might go back. It explains the three year time jumps repeated inclusion. And who wants to bet that they return to the island right around when they left. On a side note. But, I'd like to see him back.

In closing, I demand more Jeff Fahey. Peace.

Soon to be seen three weeks later on another Lost fan site under someone else’s name

Current mood: apathetic

So, first and foremost: the man on the boat. And I'm not sure why I don't see this posted everywhere, in fairness I don't really look that much, but look Michael is Ben's man on the boat. Think about it logically, they keep talking about it so you know that there has to be some sort of payoff, and frankly, the only logical choice would be Michael. He's the only person that has left the island. When he left the island I'm fairly certain that Ben told him to follow the heading exactly to find rescue. Which is pretty much what Faraday tells Lapides when he took off in the copter two weeks ago. Hence Ben knowing about the boat. I don't know, seems a little obvious/awesome (big on the Perrineau)

And now on to the star attraction, the time issues, so, right. As succinctly as I can put it there has always been some disparity between the island's time stream and the rest of the world. When the fail safe went off this field was left totally unrestrained. This probably exacerbated the disparity between time flows and such. Most of this has to do with that, well, when Desmond turned the key he traveled through, what was it called? Fucking time. That's what. It ain't perfect, but what the hell. And then there's the other thing.

So, Christian Shepard is in the cabin and a dead Alan Seward show up in seasons 4 and 3 respectively. This would lend some credence to the alternating time fields or my super bitching conscious island/lost boys theory. As in Jack and Locke's character defining daddy issues serving as the catalyst for some sort of bastard resurrection. But, I don't feel the need to be redundant so I'll drop this tangent now.

In other side news, part of me wonders if the island/Jacob/Falcor is playing John Locke for a fool and that in the end the innocence of that shamanic manchild/grenade for breakfast lunatic will provide the entity that is the island with it's salvation. Just a thought. But of course what posting about Lost, or any beloved cult TV show would be complete without a little good natured bitching.

Firstly, can we get some fucking answers with all this crazy? I don't need all the big shit at once, but damn could we find out what the fucking smoke monster is, with his silly face. Or the four toed statue. Or why in the name of all that is holy would the Others would go through the trouble of putting on fake beards and living in a fake society. (Because in the season 3 premiere Ben didn't go, "and while you're at it everyone put on your fake beards and go live in our make believe shanty town in case there are survivors." ) And it's not like it would fool Ben's pursuers as Miles pointed out in last week's episode with his don't talk to me line (which did kick some ass). Are we ever going to hear anymore mention of Kelvin (of the all important and super irrelevant dharma map, and wouldn't someone have put a stop to the psych experiment after 15 years if that's the reason that none of the hostiles investigated the whatever station, but at the same time would you leave a space time continuum threatening cataclysm up to chance for a psych experiment that was being executed by the very people that you purged off of the island)? What exactly were Roussaeu's team doing on the island if Ben had already purged the island, that may be a time line issue or maybe I've just forgotten (which is totally plausible.)

Anyway, in closing I still love the show. I mean anyone that spends an hour writing about a TV show obviously must feel some sort of affinity for it. And, part of me does secretly wish that when I watched porno that the end of the episode sound effect would play during the money shot. (Just think about it for a second...If you don't think it's funny then you're fucking repressed.) Oh, and I bet that either this season or whenever the oceanic six do get off of the island that they show up 2-7 episodes later all fucked up like in their respective flash forwards (except Kate shockingly enough. Baby stealer that she is. I mean I guess it probably means that Claire's dead, but it'd be interesting character growth if Kate stole a baby. ) I'll stop it there.

Man, Heores is fucking up.

Current mood: quixotic
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Okay, so unfortunately my arch nemesis at a certain entertainment magazine that is released every seven days, but shall remain nameless may have already beaten me to the punch. Anyway though, I felt that it was my duty as a churlish layabout to comment on the sad state of affairs at NBC's once entertaining story of costumeless supertypes. And, so I'm just going to lay it out there. First problem I have with the show: they seriously have like six powers on the show. Seriously, it's season two and we're already seeing new people that can fly, a new regenerater, a different telepath and Veronica Mars with lightning powers when Peter can already shoot lightning; albeit unconvincingly. My point is this: is the well already dry? Seriously, even the semi-new powers have already been done before: we've got a girl who can remember everything and a chick who can do anything she sees on television. It just seems a little bit convenient is all I'm saying.
The next area of concern is of course: the dumbfuck plot lines this season. Oh, Hiro's in ancient Japan and he's about to come back to the present until...wait for it...continue waiting...an ad for Medium... oh, right Hiro...so he could come back to the present, but he changes his mind. Peter has a box that they keep advertising that contains his past. He then gets the box and then...wait for it...you get the drill...this joke wasn't funny 30 seconds ago...right, then he decides to not open the box for two episodes so he can make out with some chick with a high school production of My Fair Lady caliber accent. And don't even get me started on Nikki and Paolo and their journey to America. Oh, and that brilliant bit of casting where they replaced the kinda hot, but with a definite tranny vibe from Stick It with some red headed woman because she left to do reaper and explained it that she had a new identity. I'm not even going to get into the silliness of that. Fine I lied. THERE WOULD BE NO LOGICAL REASON FOR HER TO BE USING SOME DIFFERENT PERSONA WHEN SHE'S IN A FUCKING HUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAINFOREST OR WHEREVER. AND WHY DIDN'T SHE REVERT TO A FATTY WHEN THEY KNOCKED HER OUT IN THE SEASON 1 FINALE. Fuck, Blerg, Fuck.
And then, my god there's the actual use of the powers on the show. So lame. Especially the new flying bits with Hayden, I'm not even going to bother trying to spell her last name, and the funny looking emo kid. Actually, look at her facial expression during the first flying scene and try not to laugh. If you don't laugh, I don't know, you probably think David Caruso is under-acting. Anyway, there's that...um the 619 (but no West Coast Pop or dropping the dime, oh there goes my credibility, but if you get that joke doesn't that make you just as guilty of...nevermind?) Let me think there's the awesome shapeshifting by way of Jason Wyngarde and the fart noise that accompanies it. Um, there's the super awesome blurry cam speed beating of Mother Petrelli and so on. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that if it looks stupid don't do it. Or find a way to show less of it and imply more of it. And it's not like all of the effects are bad...just like 45-50 percent plus of them.
But wait there's more. My other gripe would of course be how they got rid of all of the ancillary characters in between seasons. And while none of them were particularly interesting, with the exception of DL, it's just a bit abrupt is all. Like the end of this paragraph.
Anyway, what they need to do is maybe find some compelling storylines (I mean you're already using The Legacy Virus why not another mid 90's favorite from the house of ideas?). Rip off cooler uses of the powers (I'm not going to do the lifting and spell those out here...Also my nemesis waits and watches and reads.) Oh, and more Ando. In closing, I'm going to say this now: Yes, I do think that I could do better. Not like anyone cares or who matters will read this, but sometimes you've just got to say it. So, yup Heroes is fucking up. And, yeah it's way worse than if that Lost mini-season had a baby with Nikki and Paolo (He just finds the hatch and leaves some jewels in the toilet...blerg) Later.

Youthful derilect theorizes about the TV show Lost in lieu of actual productivity

Current mood: okay
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Well, here we go. To begin this semi coherent rambling I will first start with my theories on the clandestine Dahrma initiative. My theory is that the island has more to it than a few spots that contained electromagnetic anomalies. But, much like the show I'll leave that tangent dangling infuriatingly out of reach until you are calculatedly close to your breaking point (which from a writer's perspective I happen to find quite satisfying on some level.)
Anyway, the main theory is that the others are actually on the island to create some sort of messiah. They are doing this using two of the natural resources on the island that have seemingly fallen out of the sky and into their laps. The first are the children who I have theorized are being utilized for the hightened plasticity found in a child's brain. The reason for this is so the Dharma people can manipulate their thinking in a manner that would allow for some sort of psychic manifestation. This end is facilitated by using Walt's mind as a template as well as whichever other creepy ass psychic kids they may have already amassed over the years through in vitro tampering or whatever else implements of manipulation are at their disposal.
The second resource now in abundance on the island would have to be fully grown adults that fall all along the moral spectrum that are living together on the island. With a fairly well rounded representation of humanity now on the island the shadowy men in white coats (and the amazing disappearing Ms. Klue aka the black woman who met with Michael and was fairly prominent in season 2 yet is now all vapor and shit) have a perfect opportunity to observe and fully document the human mind so they can, of course, modify the behavior and mind of whatever tabula rasa they're making this godhead out of.
Now I'm sure you're wondering how they're doing all of this, and that would be by utilizing whichever sort of freaky ass energy is being produced on this island. Said non-descript energy, obviously, eminates from some sort of deus-ex-machina (oh the sweet irony) that will be discovered on the island in the last season. As to what that thing actually is could be some sort of Supreme Intelligence style giant all knowing alien brain that they are trying to create some sort of messianic clone of, with full mental programming, and then impregnate a woman with (hence the seemingly odd selection of fertilization doc Juliet). Or it could be that they are doing the exact opposite of this with whatever to better humanity a la Watchmen or that Architects of Fear episode that they got the idea for the ending about(I'm not trying to kill Santa. It is one of if not the greatest comic book ever, and I learned this from an Alan Moore interview). Oh, or it could be a half angel/half devil hybrid for all I know. But anyway, that's how they're doing it. Now, I know this seems half assed on my part, but I can't posit a guess as to what it actually is that's powering all this because it could be anything, and frankly it would marginalize the rest of the theory if it was the giant alien brain theory (which is what I used to call it). Back in the land of long windedness and awkward segues, I was getting to the proof that there was some force on the island that would allow humans to influence the physical world, and that proof is found with our beloved castaways.
The most straightforward way I can say this is as follows: When not being harnessed for whatever savior/no life king the others are concocting and empowering, the psychic charge of the island is being used unwittingly by the castaways in the form of wish fulfillment. Think about it: Locke's an outdoorsy hero type, Sayid found love again briefly (Oh, but of course the island can't counteract a bullet this ain't comics...TV folks won't go for that shit.)), Hurley has friends, Jack feels needed, Kate no longer feels the need to run and has found a home(and nowhere to run), Rose isn't dead (yet again I know about the electromagnetic spots provide healing and rose will die theory, but hey I assume most kids in make a wish...you know we've all seen the countless shows that have already made the joke) oh, right, Charlie's found dignity? maybe? I hope he finds a bullet in him? you can admit it. Walt found that polar bear from that comic that he wanted to read (that is a joke). Anyway, the castaways get to live out their fantasies and all that so it helps back up the whole earlier elements. So now we find ourselves with the weak parts of the theory.
Pretty much, hey power of imagination and wish fulfillment garbage.
v
"Hey, who do you think the writers all wish they could be Bryan?"

"Well, all I know is that they couldn't stop talking aobut Damon Lindelof showing up in a Star Wars T-shirt at the first meeting on the show in the Season 1 extras, oh and Sawyer did say something vabout the Chewbacca technique working in this weeks episode so I'd say Han Solo dun dun dun."

"Hey, Bryan if you take off the lo part you get Hanso...that's either a neat little clue or totally fucking arbitrary"
"Isn't everything in life, though. Next question."

"So, what about the tittle B?"

"Well, all children wish they could fly right? And what of the one's that could on that fantastically farcical fictional isle known as never never land...Yes, I mean the lost boys."

"You really are grabbing for anything, you hack bastard."

"You're just figuring that out now?"

"So what about the smoke monster?"

"While I don't know what it's actually composed of I will say that mayhap it's the greatest watchdog of them all...the boogeyman."

"You fucking serious? I'm not being cute here, but you drag it on and on and you say the boogeyman."

"Let me finish you non existent douche bag. The idea being that when the others were trying to craft this monster one of them thought, 'hey what's scarier than the boogeyman is to children, and so it's just a cloud of darkness being that said boogeyman comes from the dark and is thusly represented as darkness given occasional human form...yes, I'm aware that it's one hell of a stretch, but so is life. And there you go. If you're wondering where they got the kids from to make it before the Oceanic crash, well Ben did say he grew up on the island so maybe that wasn't a lie. And that's it, I'm sure there's other crap I didn't address, but oh yeah people were probably born on the island it would explain why seemingly useless types like the guy from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" being there because, you know, he's a groundbreaking security specialist that they must get on their side. And that's it TV fans or the no people who will be reading this."