What the shit: Thoughts on Lost "The Incident". Also, internet...that's not Anubis it's Sobek. Read a book.

So, yep, called the deaths. Going to pat myself on the back for that one. Locke doesn't count, he was already dead. And while Sayid may live...he's pretty close. So, yep. Also, Juliet I think had the worst, as in pain, death of anyone on the show: dragged down a hole, crushed by debris and blown up by a nuke. They just shot Friendly. Think about it. And now make with the massive spoils and the bitching.

Miles: Seems to be the only person on the island with some common fucking sense. Part of me thinks that he's right and that blowing the nuke core is going to cause the incident. Minly because ALL OF THIS ALREADY HAPPENED. Ellie already knew she was going to shoot her son in the present and Ricardus knew about Jack and the rest in the present.

Rose and Bernard: I was right about that one too. They were, as I said, "off somewhere doing something". Certainly not the most inelegant solution they could have come up with to explain where the characters were. I was just glad that they showed up, as anyone who reads my postings knows I hate the loose ends.

Jacob: Is kind of like a white Bagger Vance. He's winkingly prescient and says things that seem vague to the characters. At the same time having him show up as another immortal with nebulous powers that just shows up and buys NKOTB lunch boxes and chocolate is a tad weak in my mind. It was cute to see that he had always been affecting the characters lives. At the same time it seems like they tacked this on. And for an immortal he kind of went out like a bit of a bitch. For the record, that is not how you convince someone to, um, not stab you to death. But, that wasn't the most troubling thing by far...

The Bad Twin: The second they opened that box I knew that it was going to be Locke's dead body. Because, well, what the fuck wlse could it be? It's a bunch of Drive Shaft Cds? Me thinks not. So, yeah, there's an evil John Locke who is that guy from the first five minutes of the episode. Okay. Honestly, the thing kind of smacks of poor writing. Yes, I get that there have been broad strokes of duality metaphors throughout the show. From the pretty on the nose black and white references made in season one to the many role reversals on the show. I get that thematically you can pull this sort of thing. My problem is that it is a cheap trick. Yes, they prefaced the whole "it's impossible that Locke got resurrected" angle on the show. But...the show's already fantastical with its immortals, smoke monsters and reappearing dead cast members. And it's a cheap trick because it's some dude that has probably been mentioned on the show in passing who is now integral to the plot, but has just been introduced out of left field. And that's my problem. And yes it's because I didn't see it coming. Reason being, nobody could have seen it coming because it is so left field. It also states that the shows whole man of science v. man of faith debate is everybody wins. The peanut butter is in the chocolate, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. Oh, and he too is also, probably the smoke monster. Think about it take a second. He set Locke up to die so he could assume his form as he can come back as the dead on the island. Smokey told Ben to listen to Locke. Locke was certainly not in the room with Ben. That nameless dude hated interlopers on the island. Smokey kills interlopers on the island. He's security for the island because he kills all of the people coming to taint it. Bong (imagine Jason Mewes saying it. The word bong not the rest of it.) Fun Side note: people on the interwebs have been callin him the dark man so, new guess, the smoke monster is none other then Randall Flagg...or Liam Neeson (go rent the movie).

The Incident: Miles is probably right. That's how time travel works. The 77 characters remember them happening. In 07 it had already happened. Farraday is probably playing the castaways from beyond the grave. Or he realized that the only way to course correct was to have this happen becuse it always happened that way. Think about it. Take a second.

Season Six Predictions: I can't predict with 100% certainty if I'm right about the plane crashing anyway. If it doesn't crash they'll still be on the island because as any sci-fi fan knows: when you change the past you actually create an alternate earth. Because what happened in your reality to get you back into time to change it had to have happened lest you create a reality crashing paradox. Also, the island exists outside of the Earth's space time (read my baby theory in an old post it explains it well, and I already wrote it). Um, what else, good John Locke will come back...somehow. Ben never saw Jacob because his resurrection in the temple was done with the evil juju. The band will get back together. And, they'll probably spend the rest of their days there. If the plane doesn't crash they'll have no world to go back to as there will be, um, themselves living their lives in their stead. If the plane doesn't crash my big prediction for the end of the show is thus: adult Aaron and Ji Yeon and a crew of explorers, scientists and the like show back up to the isalnd and the game begins again. This time the Dark Man is Ben and Jacob has been replaced by John Locke (cue sound effect and fade to black). I may be the only person I know that still watches the show...probably not.

Season Five reflections: Much like Final Crisis I feel that they were doing something incredibly interesting and thought provoking, for the respective mediums of big 2 in continuity super hero books and network television, and then totally dropped the ball at the end. Mainly because in both cases they brought gigantic plot elements, that fit thematically but are not explicitly mentioned or aluded to, in at the end in a manner that is totally unsatisfying. I mean both the comic and the season had last second all encompassing evil characters. And my reaction to both has been a slight cringe. I've gone back and reread Final Crisis and enjoyed most of it. And I'm sure when I get my Season Five Blu-ray I'll enjoy ninety percent of it too, but damn. That's all really.

I can easily say I didn't see that one coming: Lost "Follow the Leader".

Well, firstly, now my girlfriend is running into Terry O'Quinn at Wegman's. He answers her questions. It's understandable though. And she really does love "The Stepfather", almost too much, so there you go. Apparently he was buying mouthwash and spinach. God that sounded like some stalker shit with the mouthwash and spinach. Anyway, onto the show.

Um, well, Farraday's dead. Jack is talking like Locke about destiny. Dr. Chang knows his time travelling son. Sawyer is probably going to find a way out of the sub to kill Phil for hitting Juliet...trust me...when Sawyer says he's going to kill someone...they usually get killed. Kate actually didn't fuck things up entirely. Sayid was in the jungle doing Sayid stuff. And John Locke talks to the island and is going to kill Jacob. Which. I. Kind of have a problem with that. I mean the moment on the show was awesome, but....

You see, the real problem with the character of Jacob is that they've been building him up since late season three. And the fact that he may in fact be a corporeal human being just seems like a let down to me. Although I guess that's the problem with the show...all the fantastical conjecture. (cue the sound effect.)

As for the episode it was pretty darn awesome. I'm curious about Locke's endgame with the killing Jacob angle. Part of me wonders if that what Jacob meant all of those years ago when he asked Locke to help him. I also wonder if there are going to be more attempts on John Locke's life? Probably. Are they going to blow up the bomb and prevent the plane from crashing? I'm going to want to say no. If Elloise is willing to make sure her own son dies, and Dharmaville is still standing in the 2000s I'm going to want to say that Elloise learns some sort of horrible lesson about tampering with time. It makes sense. As for everyone getting back to their proper time? Probably. Rose and Bernard are on Vulcan or something. I know I keep bringing them up when they aren't on the show, but I hate loose ends. As for who dies, at this point you've got me. Pragmatism would lead you to think of Juliet. Sayid is my number two choice. My number three pick is big Ben Linus. Four is Jack. Five John Locke. And then everyone else is catch as catch can. That's really it. This post is brough to you by my new neighbors and they're total lack of internet security. Peace.

Quickest movie review ever: Star Trek

It's fucking awesome. That's really about it. Seriously, people were clapping, fanboys were jacking each other off and for a moment everything seemed right with the world. I don't want to spoil anything and can literally find fault with nothing. Go, enjoy yourself and be prepared to see "J.J Abrams is my master now" T-shirts. The bar is set for the summer, and it's rather high. I had to miss Lost to go to the screening, but it'll be up later tonight or early tomorrow. Peace.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine...is a movie.

It's like this. The plot is a tad muddled. The comic book backstory of Wolverine is more than a bit muddled. And frankly, quite ridiculous. Be glad the movie has no Elsyee Dee, or Shiva, or any character related to Wolverine/ Weapon X protocol from the early '90's (Pre Weapon Plus...if you really care enough pick up the Grant Morisson run or google it). So, yeah to that end it works...I mean at it's core most of the Wolverine origin is really fucking silly in the comics. There's robots, clones, a 10 year old James Howlett in a night dress, contradictions galore, retreads and maddening retcons. So, given that I was willing to cut them some slack on the plot.

Commence the mild spoil/fanboy bitching

Zero's a goddamn teleporting android. Just had to say that that guy should have just been Garisson Kane before getting robot arms, just saying. Okay, As a whole the movies alright. I went in with very very low expectations, (as my one friend hated the shit out of it) and I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't total ass. Also, I...well...yeah...I engaged in my pre movie ritual to a great extent. It makes every movie better. With a movie like this you really have to do that to enjoy it. So, yeah, the ways they try to fit this movie into the rest of the X-men franchise is just silly. And they don't address how Sabretooth is a giant borderline retarded fellow in the first movie. Which is odd. I mean that's the troubling one really. So, that's a little inelegant. What else. Half of the visual effects work and half of them really, really don't: Cyclops eye beams yes, Emma Frost diamonding up no, John Wraith teleort yes, Wade Wilson's repeated butterfly move not so much. Which is another thing: I just don't agree with some of the choices that they made visually. Pretty much half of the effects work in the movie and half don't. It's like the trailers for the movie half of it looks awesome and half of it looks silly, and that's the movie.

Aside from that it could use some more Deadpool and some more Gambit and some more time spent with Team X (even if they're never referred to as that). And it could also use some Fantomex...I'm a big fan of Fantomex who is not in the movie. And Hugh Jackman brings the same Wolverine that you've probably enjoyed in the other X-men movies. Pretty much, there are a lot of quips, some ridiculous plot points (I feel that the ridiculous plot points speak to the nature of the character's comic origins, as mentioned), some action scenes that work, and some that really don't.

Look, it's the fucking Wolverine movie it's a summer popcorn flick it's not supposed to be Bergman. It's silly and bombastic and loud. Some people like that, I like that, if you like that you'll like the movie. It's not the Dark Knight, but it's not supposed to be. So my final review is s'okay. Watch a trailer and gauge your opinion based on that. Because it's one of those cases where the movie is pretty accurately represented by the trailers.

Lost, Makes with the awesome: "The Variable" heavy spoils abound

Lost, Makes with the awesome: "The Variable" heavy spoils abound

This would have been up sooner but I've been moving for the past week or so. Anyway, damn fine episode this past week, damn fine. I'm actually going to go ahead and say it was the best of the season so far. But that's usually the case with Lost, as in the last five six episodes of the season are typically much faster paced and make with some payoff. All that said I'm curious to see where things go from here. And, while I'll miss Farraday quite a bit I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he probably had the coolest death of any character on the show, even Alan Seward...(FINISH IT). But, yeah kind of a mindfuck with Farraday, his mom, his half sister Penny and his dad Charles Widmore. That one got shouted out quite heavily by the internet. And I also love that Farraday used the exact same argument that I did on Dr. Chang being Miles' father. And also that little Charlotte said that whole chocolate thing to Farraday, even if it kind of fucks the time table. (I'm supposed to believe she's like 3-5 years older than Ethan?) I will say, though, that while I'm excited for this season's endgame I am a tad leary of what that would mean for season six.

As in, if the plane never lands on the island what then? We've already done a return to the island plotline this season. We've already seen them interact off island for the past two seasons in the flash fowards/ Oceanic six plotine. But my real question is: why would any of them want to prevent the plane from landing? I mean the ones that aren't dead, obviously. Kate would be in lady's prison, Jack would be living a purposeless solitary life, Sawyer would be a douche/ con man, Boone would still be alive to suck at everything and not bang his stepsister, Nikki and Paolo would be back on the show. It just doesn't work for me. Even if everyone still has questions about Libby it just doesn't work for the plane to not crash. That's my opinion, but I could be proven wrong. It's happened...a lot. And now, the rest of the season 5 predictions

Who's going to die: Well, I checked IMDB to se who had the most in development projects going on. And after doing that it does kind of look like Juliet is the most likely to die due to the V remake probably getting picked up. Aside from that my other two guesses are Sayid and Jack. Sayid because he shot a freaking kid. And Jack because that would certainly stir things up. And he's kind of run his race if you follow. Although, on the other hand Jack may somehow redeem himself and be returned to the leader position when they return to their time. Or maybe Ben.

How they get out of it '77: Miles is oing to tell his father the truth. It's a no-brainer really. You get closure on the Miles angle and it moves the plot ahead and facilitates some events. Makes too much sense to not happen.

How they get out of it '07: A bunch of faceless new school Dharma people, and what's her name the bounty hunter, are probably going to eat it at the hands of the "hostiles" yet again. Locke is going to either use the wheel or some such time dongle. Ben may have to sacrifice himself to do it. That might be an interesting one that nobody would see coming. It's a thought.

Where's Sayid: I have no idea. He might be with the hostiles. But he's probably on the beach. He's somewhere doing Sayid stuff.

What's Next '77: Someone's going to fuck up and the Swan is going to get built anyway. Some of them are going to make it off on the sub...I don't know things are getting hard to predict with this whole time trael business. Plot elements are malleable due to time muddling being the theme of the season. So we'll see. I'll probably be able to get a fairly accurate prediction after this week's episode. Peace.

Yeah...About That...Thoughts On 'Some Like It Hoth'

Well, first I've got some news. I've started a very poorly designed, and kind of sophomoric, blog at www.fanboyloathing.blogspot.com. So, if you enjoy the Lost stuff at...you should click over on it...so I can get a ten dollar check from Google for ad revenue...seriously. But, anyway, it's the exact same stuff and I've moved all of the arrested adolescent fanboy pontificating shit over there instead of posting it here. And now: Some Like It Hoth.

Firstly, they finally said it. That yes, Marvin Candle is Miles' father. It was pretty obvious from the season premiere: as I've been mentioning it in every post for the season. So, yeah.

Hurley and Miles: It's a good dynamic, but at the same time it's another case of Hurley's innate boyish innocence winning over a verbally abusive and jaded individual on the island (I'm not going to insult your intelligence by naming names), and in turn leading said jaded individual to make positive steps to being a better human being. But, at the same time, it also still works. It's entertaining television. And you don't want to change what works...or what the fans want.

The Empire Strikes Back: It was a funny bit. Nothing more to say about it except it related back to the story...which is pretty much what Lost is all about. (Big week for ellipses.)

The Kate/ Roger Workman angle - How is it that Kate even manages to fuck up when she is saving someone's life? I mean if Young Ben was smitten with Kate and that inadvertently led to his demise I'd just think that was Kate being Kate. However, this season has pretty much been a ot of Kate dropping the ball, in my opinion. I guess my real question is: How did she get so dumb in between season? Think about it. Sawyer pretty much gives them one demand: don't fuck up the deal with the Dharma. And pretty much every action of hers, while well intentioned, has been about fucking up the deal with the Dharma. Just saying.

What Stands In the Shadow of The Statue?: They're the remnants of the Dharma Initiative. Last week I said Widmore, but they're obviously not working with him...as you saw the episode. Someone was sending those food drops in Season 2...which don't make a lot of sense in retrospect. So, yeah, Dharma. It makes sense.

Farraday: Well, he was somewhere alright. Granted, I thought he went off with the hostiles or died so I was pretty wrong about it. Can't win them all. I am very curious, given Farraday's field of expertise, experience w/ the time travel and all just what he has been working on for the past three years. I don't know. I'm not really a 100% on what's going to happen with him so I'm going to give it an episode before I propose anything.

The rest of the season: Looks like they're going with the random shootout, nobodies safe arc that they went with at the end of Season 4. Works for me. It's kind of cool when the show goes a little '24' with the gunplay and the torture in the season finales. If anything I'm really just curious to see how everything is going to work out and how all of the disparate threads are brought back together.

What will probably happen: Juliet is going to die because of the V pilot. And it brings back the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle that has delighted and bothered viewers for years. Sayid is probably going to die. He shot a child, he's on his own during some sort of war attrition that's about to go down on the island...I don't know I think he's probably the second most likely cast member to get it. After Juliet. John Locke is finally going to take over...If he can ever find his people. You'd think the Others would be all over the plane landing on the Hydra island. Eh, who knows at this point. The Egyptian connection will finally be fleshed out...I'd hope. Jacob will show up...I mean at this point they've got to bring him out he's been kind of built up a lot over the years so...it's probably going to be a little disappointing if he's some dude, but we'll see. That's about it. Peace.

How 2 Win at Left 4 Dead

In my time of tenuous employment I have taken a fancy to Valve's Left 4 Dead. While it may not be a graphical powerhouse there is a certain magic to the the multiplayer in my opinion. I am seldom called the N word while in a lobby, and I am seldom called the F word mid match. Which is refreshing given my long career ruining afternoons in the Halo franchise. My only problem with Left 4 Dead is simply this: one competent player can never eclipse three shitty team members. With that in mind I have decided to write a brief FAQ on how you can, frankly, not eat a dick, metaphorically, at the game. Seriously, this is how you can not suck at the game...if you're willing to admit that you suck at it. Which is okay. I know I sucked, some, when I started.

Survivors

1) And this is easily most important thing: use your fucking headset. It's there for a reason. It seriously enhances the experience. Far moreso in the typical FPS becuse the point of the game is surival and not kills.

2) Leave the goddamn saferoom. The faster you get out the less time the infected have to prepare. Also, the whole irritate the other team by just staying in the safe room ploy really just irritates everyone involved. Lose gracefully and use the time that you would spend bitching out to play another game, hopefully more successfully.

3) Run fast, but not so fast that you lose your team. Yes, you can die in that safe room by yourself if someone has the sense to wait in there for you. And more survivors always beats more distance run. It should be a no-brainer really, but you'd be aghast at the number of times I see this happen. Either someone is too far behind to get saved or vice versa, with being too far ahead. And the game isn't called Left 3 Dead, now is it?

4) Don't lollygag. You're going to give the enemy too much time to spawn, and you're just going to irritate the hell out of me, frankly. Yes, searching for items is helpful. But those items are usually in a fairly set number of locations. Memorize those locations. And besides, you can't use those pain pills if you're downed.

5) The best way to survive the horde: corners and melee. If you're getting overwhelemd back into a corner and melee for your life. It actually is that simple. It also works on hunters...the melee I mean, and it demoralizes the infected player too. But, in seriousness, melee will work ninety percent of the time.

6) Also, remember those hiding spots for the Tank (behind the elevator, up on that debris in the hospital, anywhere with a chaingun...), and set him on fire before you do anything else, it will make everything easier. And for the love of god: don't go by the gas pumps. I have seen so many games fall apart from people either A) taking on the Tank in a small space or B) running by those fucking gas pumps. They explode, you die, I live and get annoyed for the thirty seconds before I get jumped and die as well. Follow those basics, learn your routes, learn the shortcuts (which I really don't feel like listing...just if you notice someone doesn't suck and is taking lead follow them and learn their route) and you'll be fine.

Hunters
1) Jump from heights. It does more damage, they don't see it coming and it looks cool if someone else sees it. And it's a good way to earn the respect of your teammates and peers.

2) When in doubt claw. If you're getting slapped around with the melee go for the claw. They will beat you to death if you go for the pounce. And the claw does more damage...inexplicably

3) If they are melee heavy players: land on their backs. You can either try a wall bounce or just run away and regroup. You'd think this would not need to be stated, but I've seen it happen a number of times.

4) And this goes for all classes of infected: just like with the survivors everything works better if you're all together. And secondly: always, always, always gor the stragglers. Everone should know that though.

Boomers
1) Don't forget the claw. You've got it and you can usually get in a hit or two if someone's back is turned.

2) Remember to play blocker. If someone is on top of a survivor block their teammates. The worst that will happen is that you get bile on the injured party and expidite the dying process. And you'll by your teammate a couple more hits.

3) Start with the downed. You would think that would go without saying, but it needs to be repeated. Pretty simple, right.

4) There's nothing wrong with suicide bombing if you can make it work...and if you can't you'll respawn in thirty anyway, and it's a video game.

Smokers

1) Go for ledges: stand over them. And you're harder to hit. Pull the survivors off of them and they take more damage. I could get into more detail, but really the key to smoking effectively is angles. You want to get the most hits possible and the best way to do it is to find a good angle.

2) Don't get over excited: you're not going to outrun the survivors, you don't really get that much damage on a one or two hitter. So, you're really better off laying low and waiting for your team to respawn. That's really it: be patient and pick a good line of sight and you'll be fine.

Tank
1) Most importantly see red. If you hit a survivor with a car that's an instant down. Forklifts, support beams, it's as effective as throwing a chunk of ground and way faster.

2)Seriously, focus on colors. Go for the wounded first...they're slower and one downed is going to make everything far easier.

3) Be patient. Nothing is worse then watching a Tank freak out and just chase whoever is closest and die without getting anyone downed or dead. Seriously, there is little worse then watching a Tank squander their shot without seeing results.

4)Avoid fire and go for the ledges. You take more damage when you're on fire, obviously. You hit someone off a building or ledge and they die. This is pretty simple sit, no. And if you follow all of these incredibly simple tips you'll do slightly better.